Olivia Benson, lieutenant of Manhattans Special Victims Unit at the 1-6, walked purposefully into her, at the moment very cluttered, office and quickly shut the door behind her while trying to control her rigid breathing. She brought a shaky, manicured hand to her head and ran her long fingers through her delicate, wavy, milk chocolate brown locks and sighed when more than a couple of strands came out clinging onto her fingers.
Walking over to her desk, her eyes filled with tears for the victim of their latest case, Mary Winters, a forty-seven year old woman whose only joys in her life consisted of her two children and her job. Although Olivia didn't know Mary and would never have the chance to, she felt like they would have gotten along great. Olivia could relate to her, possibly more than anyone else in the world. She had no family, like Olivia. She adopted her kids, like Olivia. She had married the job, like Olivia.
The team caught the case two nights ago, they worked well through the night and took turns sleeping a few hours in the cribs. When it was Olivia's turn to catch some shut eye, she walked into the cribs and her eyes quickly fell on the one in the far corner, the one that was somewhat hidden by the other bunks. The one that was theirs.
She walked slowly over to it, ran her hands over the cold metal of the frame and touched the rough blanket. She knew that if she brought it to her face, there was a chance it would still smell like him. And she knew if she picked it up and turned it over, their would be a red stain from the time she was drinking cranberry juice and he made her laugh so hard it came pouring out of her nose and she spilled what was left in the bottle laying on her lap. She knew if she laid down, there would be an indent of his body on the left side of the small mattress and an indent of hers on the right side.
Olivia also knew that if she stayed in this room — by this bed that was bringing her back to a place from her past, that she wasn't quite yet ready to remember — for even one more minute, she would have a breakdown. And, right now, on top of everything, she didn't need a breakdown, she needed sleep. Olivia let her fingers linger on the cold steel for another second before turning on her heel and walking out of the room as her eyes filled with tears. The couch in her office would have to due for the night.
Last night, she walked in through her apartment door way past midnight, too late to tuck Noah into bed so she sat in his room and watched him sleep, planted light kisses on his face, ran her fingers through his hair. She woke up five hours later as the first hint of sunlight was starting to stream though his bedroom window. Her whole body ached as she stood up from the carpeted floor, but she'd never felt more rested. She placed a kiss on her sons still sleeping cheek and quietly closed his door behind her.
Lucy was already in the living room when Olivia emerged from her bedroom half an hour later after taking a shower and blow drying her hair, not bothering to put much makeup on. Just a dab of concealer under her eyes, to hide the dark bags that had been forming since her first day at SVU, and some mascara.
"Lucy, thank you for being here on your day off," Olivia thanked the young girl.
"It's no problem, Liv. There's no place I'd rather be," Lucy said, giving her a small smile.
"I'll try to be home as early as I can tonight, thank you again," and with that, Olivia was out the door, and into the cold winter air of New York.
"Fuck," Olivia muttered to herself, her head in her hands, as she closed the interrogation room door behind her. Three hours. Three hours she had been questioning him and he didn't slip once. She knew this guy was guilty. She could feel it in her bones, but he was too smart, he wouldn't budge. Mary's therapist. They found his address in her belongings and she had been seeing him every Tuesday for the last eight years, never missed an appointment, so why hadn't he called to check on her when she missed yesterdays session?
"What are you doing?" Carisi asked.
"We have nothing solid to hold him on, we have to let him go," Olivia said regretfully.
"Sure thing, Lieu," he called after her, but she was already gone, disappeared into her office. As soon as the door latched, she fell against it, letting it hold her up. A tear fell down her cheek but she quickly swiped it away.
As a distraction, Olivia buried herself in unfinished paperwork that she'd been putting off for as long as she could. She glanced at her clock, 1:45 am, shit, another night she missed tucking Noah in.
Olivia finished up her paperwork and decided it was time to go home, there was nothing left to do tonight, and they all needed sleep. They all needed a few hours alone or with their families. They all needed to remember there was still good in the world. She told the team to go home and they'd pick back up in the morning.
Olivia took a cab home, not trusting herself to drive the short distance with how worn out she was. Her bones ached, her body ached, it was like the exhaustion she felt was worse than anything she had ever experienced.
It was well after two in the morning when she stepped off her elevator and unlocked her apartment door. The noise of the door opening woke Lucy who was asleep on the couch.
"Liv," she greeted sleepily, "you're home," smiled the girl.
"Finally," Olivia said, returning her smile. "Thank you again, Lucy. Go get some sleep, I'll see you in the morning," Olivia told her, shutting the door behind Lucy and locking it.
Olivia was just walking out of Noah's room, after putting an extra blanket on him and giving him a kiss, when she heard a soft knock on the door.
Olivia assumed it was Lucy, who often forgets her belongings. She went to the door and looked through the peep-hole. She quickly opened the door and took in the figure before her, one she was not expecting to see.
"Melinda, whats wrong?" Olivia asked, the fear clinging to her voice.