Hiraeth

Hiraeth. The Welsh for grief, longing, yearning, nostalgia and wistfulness.

A seventh-year student at Hogwarts, Dandelion Montgomery carries a dark secret. No-one knows... until one person willing to listen turns up.

From that moment onwards, Dandelion is caught in a confusing mix of feelings - especially when the one person she hates to death returns in her life.

After a long walk around the Hogwarts grounds, Dandelion sagged down by the lake. She just wanted to be alone. The memories were overwhelming. She saw it all, felt it all happen again, and she hated it. There were so many images, so many thoughts, so many lives all lived at once. Her fingers slipped over the damp ground right next to the lake. They found a fallen leaf and she fumbled with it. Her movements became uncontrollable and violent. The leaf was reduced to scraps. Another followed. Then another. She couldn't stop. As she converted leaf after leaf to little more than ashes, she imagined it was her between her fingers, she imagined how she would take revenge and make her scream for mercy, like Dandelion had screamed, begging her to stop. And like her, Dandelion would not stop.

'Bridget, what are you doing?'

Bridget didn't answer. The blonde girl pushed Dandelion down onto her bed and lay next to her. Dandelion felt fingers on her stomach, under her shirt.

'You know, Dandelion, I really don't understand how two intelligent people like the Headmaster and his wife could get such a stupid daughter...'

'I'm - not - stupid!' she moaned. Fingers, taunting, hurting, pinching.

'Oh yes you are... Don't you remember? Mummy and Daddy were so afraid you were a Squib... A Hogwarts Headmaster with a Squib for a daughter! What a disgrace!'

Bridget laughed, the sort of laugh that could drain all will to resist out of you. Dandelion felt hands on her breasts, under her bra. Bridget was everywhere.

'Stop it... Bridget, stop it... Please... Please... I beg you... No!'

Bridget ignored Dandelion's soft whimpers and continued her torment.

'Of course, with your level of magic, you're the next thing to a Squib... Aren't you?'

A hand between her legs. Dandelion screamed.

'No one can hear you, little Dandelion... I cast a Silencing Spell on the Dorm door...'

Bridget said in a cruel sing-song voice. 'And I'll do with you whatever I like...'

Reliving it was torture. Tears flowed down her face like rivers, crazy rivers of feelings she never wanted. She needed someone to talk to. How could she ever understand what was going on inside of her? She did not want any of this. She never asked for this inner turmoil. There was no-one. Was there?

Iris crouched behind a nearby bush and watched the girl. She felt like being part of something so intimate - more intimate than anything else, perhaps. The girl was crying, sobbing violently, hurting so much inside. Nobody knew she was there, nobody cared. There was a knot in Iris' chest. What had this girl done? What had happened to make her so totally broken? Don't cry. Please girl, don't cry. I'm here. I'm with you. I'm not going. I'll always be here for you. The thoughts raced in her head, thought after thought after thought, tumbling over each other, pleading to be spoken to the crying girl. Tears burned in Iris' eyes; she could not stop herself, she couldn't watch the scene any longer. She had two options. Stay and talk to the girl, or run for it. Two options - but no choice. She knew what she was going to do.

'Are you all right?' A soft, female hand landed on Dandelion's shoulders. She looked up into the golden-green eyes of a Slytherin girl in her year. She wiped her tears away with an impatient gesture. The girl shouldn't see this.

'Go away!' Dandelion snapped.

'Why should I? I've been here for a while.'

'You're... I don't want you here, go away.'

Iris settled down on the ground beside Dandelion.

'No.'

'Go away I'm telling you - I'll do a mischief if you stay.'

'Oh, I don't think you will. You need someone to talk to, don't you?'

'And what if I do?'

'Don't be so bloody obstreperous! I'm trying to help, Dandelion.'

'Don't use my name, you stupid -' Iris' eyes were dark with anger when the other girl said this, and she jumped to her feet.

'Right. Have it your way. I know when I'm not wanted.' She marched away angrily.

'No! Iris, wait.'

'Why should I?' Iris enquired, but she held still.

'Please... I'm sorry. Stay if you like. I... I'm really sorry for snapping at you.'

Iris could see fresh tears form in Dandelion's eyes. She walked the small distance back to the girl, sat down and put a comforting hand on her arm.

'Come on, Dandelion, tell me what's wrong,' she whispered.

'Everything's wrong!' Dandelion sobbed. 'This memory, this memory, I can't handle it, make it stop, please make it go away, please, Iris, can you do that for me?'

Iris looked at her, wide-eyed in shock, and then pulled the other girl into a tight hug.

'It's all right,' she murmured. 'It's going to be all right.' She waited until the violent shakes of the girl's back lessened, then held her at an arm's length and asked:

'Do you want to talk about it?' Dandelion nodded slowly.

'I... I was thirteen. It was in my second year at Hogwarts. She... this girl was in fifth year. She was a Prefect, a little Miss Flawless. Her name was Bridget, Bridget Rogers... and she hated my guts. I'd never done anything to her, but she was just like that... Hating people for no reason and getting away with it. And one day during the holidays, she lured me to her Dorm and locked us up together...'
Iris just looked at her, listening intensely, urging her on. 'What happened?'

Dandelion broke into tears again; Iris could hear her mutter some words that sounded like 'hands' and 'touched' and 'pain'.

'Did she touch you?' she inquired softly.

'Y-y-yes...'

'Everywhere?'

'Yes. Oh god...' She held onto Iris, tight, so tight.

'Sssh. It's all right now. I'm here. I'll always be here for you. Do you understand that, Dandelion? I'm here to stay. Forever.' And then she wept, too.

'Iris?' Dandelion asked, calmed down now, staring at the sky, still by the lake. They were lying next to each other, on their backs.

'Hmm,' the other girl answered, her eyes closed, dozing slightly.

'Thanks.'

'My pleasure. Not all Slytherins are insensitive gits, you know,' Iris said airily, opening her eyes to look at Dandelion's golden hair next to her own black curls.

'I know that. I know that now.' Dandelion laughed as she turned on her side so she could face her new-found friend. And suddenly, they were kissing. Neither of them had meant to do it, but neither of them wanted to stop now they had started. In the end, they pulled apart, and just looked at each other.

'I'm sorry,' Dandelion whispered.

'Don't be,' Iris replied.

A young woman with blonde hair made her way into the small room next to the Great Hall. It was raining outside and her black coat was soaked. She settled before the fire and dried herself with a movement of her wand and a nonverbal spell. Soon, the door leading to the Great Hall opened and she faced her former Headmaster. He was tall, with the same golden blonde hair as his daughter, although his eyes were brown rather than blue. 'Mr Montgomery,' she said slowly.

'Miss Rogers... You can call me Joseph now, as I am no longer your Headmaster.'

'Then call me Bridget. Thank you so much for inviting me.'

'Not at all. Everybody in this school can benefit from your most recent discoveries.'

'When do you want me to speak?' Bridget inquired. 'I want to prepare a little bit, as I'm sure you'll understand.'

'Naturally. Between nine and ten, I should think. After dinner I will give the pupils time to go back to their common rooms for an hour or so. I will announce that we have a guest during dinner, of course. We don't want to go dragging people who do early nights from their beds, now do we?' There was a twinkle in his eyes as he looked at his former pupil.

'No, we don't,' Bridget said. 'Especially not for me.'

'You must not underestimate yourself.'

'Oh, but I won't, Joseph. No... I most certainly won't.'

As Iris made her way into the Great Hall, she saw that the usual tables had been replaced with rows and rows of comfortable looking chairs. That itself was not so strange; but when she saw there was a lot of House-mingling going on, she hurried to the chair next to Dandelion and occupied it. Soon, the entire school was seated and looking at the temporary platform in the front, where Mr Montgomery had taken place. 'Good evening!' he started. 'Most of you will probably wonder why we are keeping you from your beds - but I promise you the lecture you are about to hear will not be boring! Three years ago, the woman I have brought here graduated from Hogwarts. She worked her way up through the Ministry fairly soon and is now officially the director of some stunning new investigations to the subject of Human Transfigurations. Here to tell you all about it herself - please welcome Miss Bridget Rogers!' Iris heard the sharp intake of breath next to her, and felt Dandelion's body stirring. She put her hand on her friend's and whispered: 'She can't reach you. Don't worry. I'll protect you. I swear.'

'You can't, honey... Some things you can't change,' Puzzled by this reply, Iris pierced Dandelion's sapphire eyes with her own brown-green ones, but the other girl wasn't going to say another word.

Bridget took a deep breath and started talking.

As soon as Bridget finished speaking, Dandelion left the Great Hall.

'Where are you going?' Iris called after her. There was no reply.

She rushed up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower. There was a feeling of danger that kept coming closer... Like a vast idea behind her, urging her on, staircase after staircase. To safety. To life?

'Ah, Dandelion... and so we meet again.' Dandelion turned around brusquely.

'You followed me? Aren't you ever going to leave me alone?' she snapped.

'I see you are still at Hogwarts... And that you managed to get to seventh year... Which is not difficult, of course, what with Daddy being Headmaster... Do you have a boyfriend, little Dandelion? Does he do what I used to do? Does he touch you like I did, make you mad with desire like I did?'

'Shut up!' Dandelion screamed. 'SHUT UP!' Rage took her over; it crept closer and closer until there was no way out, no escape, and she went mad. Her fists hammered on Bridget's chest. The latter sought her wand but Dandelion was too quick for her.

'Expelliarmus,' she growled. Bridget's wand soared over the barrier of the tower.

'Now you are going to listen to me or you'll go right after your wand and I mean that,' Dandelion hissed, anger trickling through her words. Bridget cringed. She felt Dandelion's wand push against her throat.

'I could kill you off with one single movement,' Dandelion stated.

'Then do it!' Bridget snarled. 'If that will make you happy, do it.'

'Don't defy me, Bridget! You deserve to die, you screwed my life up, you...'

'So what if I did? So many people screwed my life up. I don't go about throwing people off towers, do I?'

'You're different, Bridget. Heaven knows how you made Gryffindor. You don't have one shard of bravery in your body.'

'Bravery is not what it takes to kill.'

'Spare me your Sunday morning philosophy, would you?' Dandelion said impatiently.

'Dandelion, I'm so sick of you and your little manners... Why don't you just throw yourself off instead of me and let me get on with my life? Well? Why don't you?' Bridget's hands went to Dandelion's neck and she attempted to strangle her. That was too much for Dandelion. 'The memory!' she howled, desperately. 'The memory, Bridget!' Her voice rang out through the night. 'RELASHIO!' Dandelion screamed. Sparks shot out of her wand; Bridget let go; but she did not stop at that; Bridget fell backwards off the tower, and Dandelion thought she imagined to hear the words 'I'm sorry!' in the other girl's shrieks, but then again - maybe not.

'Miss Rogers is dead!' Minerva McGonagall came rushing into the Headmaster's office and held still to look at him as he sat behind his desk and his eyes widened in shock. 'What?' Joseph Montgomery said sharply as he rose from his seat quickly.

'Bridget Rogers, who came to give the lecture... Dead! Fell off the Astronomy tower by the look of it... The body's down there anyway... No-one saw anything, they were all in their Dorms of course...' Montgomery swore under his breath, then ran down the stairs with McGonagall.

Most pupils looked fairly annoyed that they had been called into the Great Hall this late at night. It was nearly twelve o'clock and yawns flew from every way. Montgomery stood up and looked at his pupils with a wistful look on his face.

'I am sorry that I have to tell you this, but Miss Bridget Rogers, who has told you all about some new discoveries on the subject of Human Transfiguration earlier tonight, has been found dead at the foot of the Astronomy tower...' Many gasped. Some called out questions like, 'How did it happen?', 'Was it suicide?' and 'Did someone kill her?'. Montgomery shook his head and said it was impossible to express anything but his regrets at this time.

But Iris saw the involuntary shaking of Dandelion's hands and started suspecting something.

'Right, own up.'

'What?' Dandelion asked, startled. It was early on a Saturday morning. A few people were having breakfast already, but most were still sleeping. Dandelion was doing neither, seeing as she found it impossible to eat anything. Iris had just joined her at the nearly empty Gryffindor table. She ignored the glares from a couple of fellow students and focused all her attention on her friend.

'Bridget's death. What have you got to do with it?'

'Nothing, I...' She looked away.

'Don't lie to me, Dandelion.'

'We... we had a fight. She touched me. I... I went mad. I threw her off the tower. It was an accident... Well, I didn't really mean...'

'Oh, Dandelion... You... Well, you've had your revenge, haven't you... And you said it yourself... Some things you can't change.'

'No but... it was just anger, I never meant it to go this far... I only wanted to scare her. Like she scared me. What am I going to do, Iris?'

'The body is in an empty classroom... so people can greet her for the last time.' Iris looked at Dandelion very attentively.

'Yes...' the other girl whispered, 'yes... will you come with me?'

'Of course,' Iris conceded.

She looked strangely at peace now that she was gone. Her eyes closed, her face pale, her smile almost serene. Dandelion could not bring herself to feel remorse, but there was a strange knot in her chest. How would she ever get out of this mess?

It didn't matter. It didn't matter now. There were only three people in the world. Dandelion. Iris. And Bridget.

'I didn't mean to kill you, Bridget,' Dandelion said to the body, and she felt Iris' hand tightening around hers.