Disclaimer : I do not own Bungou Stray Dogs or it's characters. I don't really know what possessed me to write this I am so sorry
The clouds seemed to be a lot darker than usual.
Perhaps it was going to storm.
It was fitting for the mood, anyways.
Dazai could feel the ground beneath him, dirtying his suit, his skin, his bandages, covering him with the rich soil.
He was cold. But he was sure Atsushi was much colder.
"Hey, Atsushi-kun. What's it like there?"
Dazai had meant to speak in a much softer tone, but his voice came out hoarse, cracked and jagged.
"Are they treating you well?"
The service had ended over an hour ago. Kunikida had urged Dazai to go home and rest. He had assured him he could always come back.
But Dazai couldn't walk away. Instead, he forced his feet to take a few more steps, eventually just sitting down next to him. He couldn't leave him just yet, after so much had happened.
"Atsushi-kun, are you feeling loved there? Are you warm?"
Dazai was fighting hard to keep his composure. Every word robbed him of his breath, and an unpleasant pressure seemed to weigh his body down. Dazai squeezed his eyes shut, forcing a smile on his face.
"Hey, Atsushi-kun. I'm sure you felt much worse, right? What a baby I am."
Cautiously, Dazai stretched a shaking hand out, gently caressing the recently upturned soil with trembling fingers.
"You're so strong, Atsushi-kun. I'm so- I'm so proud of you."
By then Dazai could no longer hold it in. Huge sobs escaped his body, using enough force to make his whole person jolt. He felt the hot tears gather, blurring his vision. The salty tears ran down his face, dripping onto his black suit.
"Atsushi-kun, Atsushi-kun. Atsushi-kun."
Dazai kept repeating his name, as if sheer willpower could throw him back in time. As if saying his name could stop Atsushi from protecting him.
"Atsushi-kun, why? Why, why, why, why, why? Why can't you be here with me right now? It hurts, Atsushi-kun. It hurts, so much."
Dazai's sobs turned to choked screams, as he began pounding on the soft dirt beneath him.
Dazai should've been there. He should've been there to stop Atsushi from making his mistake in battle. Dazai should've been there from stopping a fatal attack. His wound left him weak, so weak that he could hardly lift his head up and ask if Dazai was safe. He hadn't even cared that he was on the brink of death. By the time they got back to the agency, Dazai knew.
It was too late to save Atsushi.
Too late to hold his warm hand one more time. Too late to whisper all the things he never said in his ear. Too late to tell him everything he wanted to hear. He was gone.
His beloved subordinate. His precious man tiger. His important colleague.
His world.
Dazai could no longer reach out and feel Atsushi's warm cheek pressed against his hand, or ruffle his soft hair. He could no longer open his eyes and see his beautiful smile, or his peculiar eyes that were mesmerizing nonetheless. He could no longer smell his unique ocean scent. He could no longer hear Atsushi's sweet voice, his awkward screeches, his light laugh.
All of that had slipped away the moment Atsushi's cold hand let go of Dazai's trembling fingers.
Dazai couldn't stand it. He felt like he was going to explode.
"I'm going to go insane, Atsushi-kun. I'm going to collapse in on myself and implode and I'm going to scatter away around the universe like stardust. I can't take it. Atsushi-kun, please. Please, Atsushi-kun! Please tell me I'm just having a horrific nightmare!"
Dazai had calmed down enough to be able to understand himself, and was back to talking to Atsushi.
"Atsushi-kun, I love you. I love you so much it hurts, and this makes me hurt far worse than loving you did. I love every part of you, Atsushi-kun. I love you so much. I care about you more than I've cared about anything. I really wish I could've saved you, Atsushi-kun."
His voice was hoarse, wavering in the slight wind.
Dazai picked at the grass in the earth, rubbing his eyes.
Dazai felt a drop of moisture on his hand. He looked up, only to have a second raindrop splash on his nose.
For a moment, he stayed in place, staring the sky in the face, welcoming the oncoming weather.
He smiled softly, chuckling. Dazai placed his hand atop the headstone, which was now becoming damp.
"Hey, Atsushi-kun. I don't want to leave either. But you wouldn't want me catching a cold, right? You were always so caring like that."
Dazai pushed himself into a standing position, looking down at the dirt covering Atsushi.
"My suit is ruined, isn't it, Atsushi-kun?"
His suit was now indeed a sight for sore eyes, covered in grass and dirt and rain. But was worth it if it meant he could spend more time with his beloved.
Dazai pulled his jacket off, leaving him in his silky black dress pants, shirt, and vest.
Slowly, he pulled his shirt up, exposing his bandaged arm. He took care in unraveling the long piece from his forearm.
Without a word, Dazai wrapped the bandage around Atsushi's grave.
"Now you have a piece of me, Atsushi-kun. Please take good care of it."
Dazai pivoted and began to walk away. After only a few steps, he stopped, turning around to face his beloved's deathbed.
"Goodbye, Atsushi Nakajima. I love you. I will always love you. Never again will there exist such a perfect human. Only you, Atsushi. Only you I will forever love."
Dazai kept walking in the pouring rain.
He didn't look back after that.
He knew that Atsushi hadn't felt he was somebody worth dwelling on.
Dazai knew different. He knew Atsushi was somebody special from the moment he met him. He knew he would do extraordinary things.
Atsushi was Dazai's once in a lifetime.
Atsushi was no longer living. But Dazai was.
And he would continue living for as long as he could, for both himself and Atsushi.
Dazai closed his eyes, feeling warm despite the rain.
"Goodbye, my beloved."