A/N: **Updated: I've been writing a lot of FFXIII stories that aren't going anywhere so I can't decide if I should trash 'em or post 'em. But since it saddens me to part with them, I might just continue updating Every Cactuar Counts as a series of One-shots and Drabbles. Again, this is a temporary/spur of the moment decision. There is a slight chance I won't go through with this.

Again and as always: Read, REVIEW, Enjoy and always roll down your windows when someone poots in the car. It can be deadly.

Disclaimer: I don't own Squeenix or any of its awesomeness...not even in my dreams...

Every Cactuar Counts

Common sense could tell you it's never wise to pick a fight with someone (and/or something) smaller than you; which is why Snow got a particularly low score when it came to the department of common sense. It didn't matter how many times anyone bashed the guy in the head (as Fang learned the hard way) stupidity was hard-wired in to his DNA.

That's why when it came to this little episode on the Archylte Steppe, Lightning just stopped wondering and instinctively brought out her saber. The oaf had no idea what he was stirring up.

"Yeah, baby!" He yelled, punching the air dynamically as he gave Lightning his cheese-smile. "You see that little-guy trying to intimidate me? Dunno what he was thinking, but I'd say he learned his lesson, wouldn't you?" Language translation session- 'little-guy': Cactuar; a small, but easily defensive creature living on Gran Pulse. They weren't much of a threat in small numbers.

"I wouldn't be so quick to judge if I were you." Fang replied, head scaling all around for a complete view of her surroundings. "Little creatures on Gran Pulse can turn in to big problems."

"They're not that threatening, are they?" Hope asked, eyes searching Lightning's for an answer. The stoic woman simply shrugged and kept her mouth closed. She didn't doubt anything on Pulse. This was new territory to any citizen of Cocoon. They were like a boat swimming in uncharted seas.

"I don't care how small they are." Sazh began "I don't like those things. I don't like those things at all. And since when did cactus acquire legs, arms and a face that looks like they've been permanently scarred for life? They just pop out of the ground looking like that?"

"They have their own little tribe just like we do." Vanille giggled, shooing the other cactuars into hiding. She wanted them to get away before Snow could recklessly get a hold of them. "If they didn't go back home, someone could get worried."

Hope smiled. "I guess that makes sense...but where exactly do they live?"

Fang shrugged. "Don't know. Never found out too much about those besides a few instincts and characteristics. The tribe figured as long as they left us alone, we had good enough reason to leave them alone as well. Ya know: respecting the earth and all that."

"I say we catch one and interrogate it." Snow grinned, crouching low for stealth.

Lightning rolled her eyes "Cactuar are small, not blind."

"Everything can be snuck up on." Snow winked "It's all in the skill."

"Yeah, good luck trying to sneak up on a creature that can feel the vibrations in the earth as you step." Fang teased him with her lance, poking his shoulder hard in the back "You'll be lucky if it is blind."

Snow pumped his fist in the air, signaling his intent as he scurried across the planes and to mountain covered ridges where access to green, hopping cactus-things might be bountiful. Needless to say: they weren't. The nearest cactuar was a lonesome one, dancing out in the wide-open space just waiting for some mishap to come along; though it probably never imagined a big, blonde doofus with a beanie on his head to be said mishap.

"You think he'll catch it?" Hope asked, watching intently as Snow tripped and tried to quickly regain his balance. He threw a thumbs-up back at the group before heading onward.

Lightning rolled her eyes. "There's no doubt he's going to try."

"Uhm…what if he gets hurt?" Vanille twiddled her fingers, nervous for Snow's well-being just as much as the small creatures.

"Probably needs to get hurt." Sazh replied "At least he's not trying to capture one of those things, right?" He smiled, pointing deftly to the adamantoise causing quakes as it walked near them, but paid them no mind.

"Don't jinx it." Lighting quipped. "Put the idea in to his mind and he'll go for it."

"Relax." Fang placed her hand on Vanille's shoulder and moved forward "If he gets in to trouble, we'll bail him out, right Vanille?"

"Uh…Right!" she giggled. While she doubted the initial offer, it was Fang asking her for back-up. There was no way Vanille would refuse that. Besides, who knew Gran Pulse better than Vanille and Fang. Currently: no one.

"Oh no…" Sazh shook his head. It was bad enough that they had one kid pulling stupid stunts to begin with. He didn't need to see more mixed in the equation. "If you two are going, I'm going too. You need someone with experience."

With her brow raised, Fang smirked. Experience, huh? "You mean like six-hundred and sixty-six years of experience?"

"That doesn't count. You slept those years." Popping out of Sazh's massive fro the baby chocobo squeaked in agreement.

"Alright, alright I get it." Fang sighed "No arguing with the mascot."

Another squeak and death-glare later the chocobo was diving back in to his nest.

"Knock it off." Lightning unsheathed her saber "If the idiot gets in to trouble, we'll all go help him out."

If. She thought sourly. They all knew he was going to get in trouble. Why they all were annotating if before the prediction was beyond her. Why she used it even baffled her. Lightning knew well enough of Snow to understand his stupid decisions would end up in chaos. Like with Hope. She glanced up at the awkward boy swaying back and forth, getting teased by Fang and defended by Vanille.

Unknowingly Snow had stroked the flames to a fire. He never decided to think once before acting, never took a moment to consider his actions and how they might hurt others. Yet somehow, that quality about him…was the same quality that saved him in the end.

To an extent Lightning envied him. But she'd never admit that.

"Don't look now, but Snow's already causing problems." Sazh snapped Lightning out of her trance as she immediately switched her gaze to Snow.

As loud and obnoxious as that man could be, he must've been downright silent at this point. He had managed to legitimately "sneak" up on the cactuar without the thing even noticing. The big footed, loud-mouthed idiot had actually made it. Lightning cringed. She still couldn't help, but think there was going to be some kind of screw up. Hand on hilt; she forced herself to remain where she stood. Her instincts told her something was going to go wrong, but her head told her to remain calm and be still. Lightning couldn't find her in between because (dare she say it?) she was worried.

And that's when it happened.

Not risking the chance of the cactuar being able to feel his foot-falls, Snow launched himself across the steppe, a battle-cry escaping his mouth as he came down upon the unsuspecting creature. The cactuar squeaked and popped up, making miles of his escape before Snow could catch him. Landing with a thud, Snow growled and took off after the now taunting cactuar. It was easy to tell the thing was baiting him because, as dense as Snow could be, even he knew the only person that made their signature move a punch to the palm, was Snow.

The cactuar hopped, seemingly giggled and punched its palm again before continuing its dance. To add salt to the wound, it remained in the same spot while it danced. Showing just exactly how much of a threat it thought Snow to be.

"Aw, now you've done it you green pin-cushion." he growled, running straight to it and following his first method. At least, the jumping and diving part. And with nowhere left to run Snow's massive hands came crashing down around the cactuar. Snow huffed, laughed, squeezed his prey tight and stood. It even surprised him that he was able to capture the cactuar successfully without any major problems. He supposed this proved he was more reliable than his soon-to-be sister-in-law gave him credit for.

Lightning though, was thinking that was way too easy for him to be in the clear.

With a wide-grin plastering his face, Snow ran back to the group with prize in tow. Catching a cactuar had to be worth bragging rights of which he was going to quickly make use of. But before any of that he'd get Lightning to admit he was the right guy for Serah. And that he was awesome. Like icing on a cake. Yeah, he could hear it now. "Snow, you're...amazing! Maybe I was wrong about you. You and Serah...have my blessings."

Suddenly he felt movement between his arm and chest as if the thing was wiggling a dance in his arms, causing his thoughts to drift away from victory and overly-dramatized, false quotes. Snow might have laughed if he hadn't heard the thing give a muffled squeak from behind his chokehold. Next thing he knew, he was on the floor gripping his chest and arms in searing pain, watching dismally as his prey leapt on his face and took off running.

"Ouch." He uttered, craning his head toward the group. After all, they saw the entire charade. From the battle-cry, to the taunting, to the capture and finally to the cactuar making Snow his own personal pin-cushion.

Lightning, the first to be on the scene, was running towards him, a lecture on the brink of her lips. It was times like these that made her wonder about the hypothetical question soldiers used to ask her on the field: 'If you had only one bullet and you were stuck on Gran Pulse...what would you use your last shot on?' Her logical answer would have been: dinner or in other terms: a pulse creature that she'd cook and eventually carve a knife out of from its bones. But now that she was on Gran Pulse, with a little more than just one bullet in her gun-blade, her answer had changed. If I had one bullet and the conscience to boot, I'd shoot Snow, she thought resolutely as she crouched down next to him.

Snow grinned at her, but it was forced and the pain burning in his chest was sharp. So maybe he was in pain…and perhaps the cactuar did get away, but he still owned the bragging rights to being the first person to "catch" a cactuar…right?

"Don't even think about bragging…" Lightning pushed the golden locks from his face as she examined the damage.

"Heh…how'd ya know?"

Simply lifting her brow as her answer, Lightning lowered her eyes to his chest and arms. He had obviously scared the poor thing to death. She was surprised enough to see Snow hadn't frightened anything besides needles out of it. Given the circumstances, he was lucky enough that the cactuar he decidedly chose was a small one that he held below his heart. Though she didn't believe the needles could pierce that far, she wasn't completely sure since she didn't have prior run-ins with them herself.

"Looks like he didn't damage anything besides the obvious…" she paused "Sore arm, sore chest…bruised ego…"

"We'll help!" Hope ran up with Vanille close behind. Both kids crouched on the ground next to Snow and began healing his wounds. Specifically: Hope extracted the needles while Vanille cast cure on the open, freshly plucked wound thereafter.

"He really is an idiot…" Lightning grumbled, standing up and backing away.

"Yea…but he had you on the tips of your toes, didn't he?" Fang smirked. Lightning remained silent, slightly distancing herself from Fang. A hardly noticeable movement and perhaps if Fang was simply another citizen of Cocoon, she may not have noticed. But Lightning wasn't lucky enough to be stuck talking to an unperceptive individual. "Just admit it. You were worried…"

"Fat chance."

The pulsian raised her brow "That you'll admit it or that you were worried?"

"Maybe both...maybe neither. I guess you'll never know." And with that said, Lightning flung her arm downward, the saber slinging back into its small form as she shoved it back in its holster and became official supervisor and overseer of the medical operation.

Fang smirked. "She was so worried."