So this was my contribution to the 'spn_kink_meme' on Livejournal. My fist ever big bang challenge, and I think it turned out pretty darn well, If I do say so myself. For the art that goes with it, visit 'chef_geekier' (also on Livejournal). I'll be posting a piece a day, since there are three more chapters to come. Enjoy!

Never Say Never Sammy

Prologue:

"Hey," Sam says, greeting the man on the stool next to his, a bit desperate for conversation, "come here often?" He'd meant it as a throwaway remark, maybe even a joke, but it comes out sounding like a shitty pick-up line. Mr. Two-creams-no-sugar glares at him for a moment before picking up his coffee and moving to the furthest booth from Sam – which really, the Waffle House isn't that big, but the intent is clear. He blushes down at his pancakes, mildly shocked and more than a little embarrassed that the guy thought Sam was propositioning him. It was barely eight am! Sure, Dean might slut it around with anyone, anytime, anywhere, but that didn't mean two strangers couldn't chat over coffee, right?

The thought of Dean sent a pang of – Of what? Guilt? Loneliness? – through him, and Sam lost interest in his food. He hadn't heard from Dean in over a year now, had no way of knowing if he was even still alive, yet somehow it was so easy to picture him here in a shitty truck stop diner. Maybe he'd be coming out of the bathroom in a minute or two, making some comment much too loud and winking at Two-creams-no-sugar with a mischievous glint in his eye. Sam would roll his eyes right back; Dean would call him a prude. To which Sam would call him a jerk; "bitch" Dean would reply, and everything would be okay with the world again.

Yeah, time to get out of here.

The waitress all but ignored him as Sam paid the check, but he tipped her well anyway, offering up a smile and a "thanks," because he'd always tried to have good manners, even if Dean made fun of him for it. "Have a nice day," he called back as he left. Good karma had never shielded him from the universal kick-me sign that had to be hanging over his head invisibly or something, but Sam figured he might as well cover all of his bases anyway. It certainly couldn't hurt.

He had a long drive ahead of him in a crappy old car he'd stolen three states back, and was daring to hope against hope that it wouldn't crap out on him in the middle of nowhere, so hopefully karma would hold out for a bit. Though maybe driving a stolen car wasn't the best way to attract good karma… But if it kept him away from Lucifer? To save the world?

The sun glinted brightly off of the small puddles in the parking lot, shattering into a million sharp fragments of light. He could figure out the ethics of his life on the drive, though Sam doubted it mattered much at this point. It seemed like Lucifer was determined to make Sam his bitch one way or the other, and the world was closing in on him, even as the sky opened up bright blue in the early morning light, seeming to stretch on forever. It was beautiful, but as Sam dug the keys out of his pocket all he could think of was how small it made him feel. The roads he drove stretched on just as long with no end in sight, no destiny except the devil waiting in every little city and town.

He was back to dreaming about Jess, watching helplessly as she burned up in front of him. He'd wake up in a sweat, afraid to close his eyes for fear of seeing the accusing blue staring back at him. You could have saved me. And then it was others; his greatest failures played back in the darkness as he lay there trying not to cry – all of the people he couldn't save, the people he hurt, the people he killed – way too many people and way too much blood on his hands.

It was wearing him down, and Sam couldn't even remember the last time he'd slept for more than an hour straight, but he had to keep going, had to keep running, over and over and over. Because he couldn't let Lucifer catch him, couldn't trust himself enough not to say yes. Life was just wearing him down these days, a constant barrage of loneliness, fear, and sleep-deprivation. He didn't want to keep going, didn't want to keep living, but even suicide wasn't an out. Lucifer's taunting words simply echoed in his head on a loop, over and over and over again: "I'll just bring you back"

Even as he drove, the mantra was the same. "I'll just bring you back." The rattling engine told him with certainty, and it blared from the static that seemed to occupy every channel of the radio. When he rolled down the windows, the air rushing past would scream it at him so loud that Sam had begun to prefer simply sweating in the boiling heat of the car instead. The voices could have been caused by the amount of caffeine Sam was relying on to keep him awake nowadays, but somehow, he knew better.

And then one night, it had changed.

"Sam!" Jess called out to him from the top step of their apartment, running down the stairs without even pausing to shut the door behind her. She was in baggy sweatpants and a plain tee shirt, her hair pulled up in a messy ponytail, but as she ran to where Sam stood on the sidewalk, Sam had never thought she'd looked so beautiful.

"Jess," He breathed, shocked that his mind would give him something like this now. He caught her and held her close, trying to re-memorize the way it felt to have her in his arms. Sam had never forgotten that, even after all this time. Jess was like nothing, like no one, else.

"I was wondering when I'd get to see you again," She told him, looking up at Sam with those gorgeous eyes of hers, and indulgent smile on her face, like she'd been waiting here for him for ages. As if all he needed to do was find this place again and she'd be there. The loneliness struck back harder than ever, and Sam wondered when this was going to shatter to pieces and end with her burning on the ceiling of his memories, taking with her all of the hope Sam had left.

But they were outside, a bird chirping somewhere, grass impossibly green, sky a brilliant blue. No ceilings in sight and Jess was still smiling at him, tilting her head up and asking for a kiss. So Sam went with it, bending his head to meet her lips with his, trying to convey how much he loved her still, how much he missed her, without saying anything at all. Eventually though, he broke the kiss to say it out loud, holding her even tighter as if that way he could somehow keep her.

"I love you, so much." He kissed the words against her jaw before meeting her lips again, so desperate to tell her, and make sure she knew. "Don't leave me, please" There were tears in Sam's eyes as they kissed, but he didn't care. Pride meant nothing to him compared to having Jess in his arms again.

"It's nice of you to say that Sam. Really, you have no idea how much it means to hear you say that to me," Her voice was different all of a sudden, off somehow, and Sam pulled back a fraction to look at her – only now her features were different. Her hair tumbled down from the ponytail, shining like gold around her shoulders, her face becoming harder, no longer quite human-looking. She was magnificent and terrible, and then Sam understood.

"Lucifer," He choked out, taking a step back as the reality crashed down on top of him like a blow. Jess truly was gone – not even Sam's memories of her safe from all of his enemies. He blinked in shock, trying to take it in and understand somehow why, barely noticing the tears that escaped.

"Shh, Sam," the angel's tone was comforting; a mockery of Sam and Jess as he moved forwards to pull Sam back into his arms, and Sam couldn't seem to figure out how to resist. "Does this really surprise you so much? I figured this form would be a treat for you; more fitting," Her hands ran along Sam's back, and he shuddered. He'd always thought Jess could have somehow become an angel, and the irony just seemed so cruel, even for Lucifer. "You see, I love you too Sam. I want to take care of you, be inside you." The innuendo there wasn't lost on Sam either, but he was finding it hard to comprehend exactly what had happened. "I want you to want me."

"N- never," Sam tried to tell him, not quite able to will himself out of Jessica's arms. He missed her so much. When this ended, there was nothing left of her, there would never be again. "I won't say yes to you" He told Lucifer, even as he pulled him tighter, not even sure what, or why, he was doing anything at the moment. What if he was possessing Jess? Maybe there was something… "Jess," He pleaded, "Jess, if you can hear me at all,"

"I'm sorry," the angel told him, looking bizarrely like he meant it, "but I can't bring her back. I would if I could Sam, I really would."

"I know." Sam heard the words leave his lips before even realizing that he'd spoken aloud. No, of course. Jess was gone, and he was alone, left to fight these Trojan friends and learn to live on his own – with the nightmares, and the fear, and having it never end. Sam's throat was tight, hot tears stinging his cheeks as he was forced to contemplate the tragedy that was his life all over again. But he had to keep fighting. Why did he have to keep fighting?

Why did he have to be alone? Why did everyone he'd ever loved have to die? Why?

Why did it stretch on forever without ending – without any hope of death or absolution, ever? It was so big and so dark and so completely hopeless.

"It doesn't have to be like that Sam," Lucifer assured him, proving his talent for mind-reading maybe, one hand reaching up and securing itself in the hair at the base of Sam's neck. "You don't have to be alone. I'm here."

"No," Sam tried to protest, this was all in his head – Lucifer wasn't really there anyway –

The angel tugged his head down gently, lips pressing against Sam's. "Yes." His voice took on a wistful quality to it, Jessica's eyes shining bright blue the same as they always had when she looked at Sam like that, like he was the center of her world, and she had something she just had to share with him. "Don't you wonder about it?" She asked, "Don't you ever think about how good it would feel to give in, to lose control? I could make it so good for you, if only you'd let me Sammy. No more need to be strong, to hold everything together while you're all alone and losing faith. Believe in me."

It was a promise. But Sam couldn't – he couldn't. "Dean," he told the angel, trying to step back, to get himself out of Lucifer's temping, consuming hold. He didn't want to say no anymore, tired of running, so tired, but he had to. "Dean's counting on me, the whole world is. I can't."

"Dean left you. The world abhors you, if it even pays you any attention whatsoever." The words stung, but Lucifer eased them away with another kiss. "I won't leave you Sam. I won't judge you like they do." Jessica's hands trailed over his body, inciting a protest in Sam's brain that he couldn't quite follow. It was her voice then, that spoke with such a sweet treason; Lucifer continued, "Let me prove it to you. No need to say anything; just let me in here, in your head, your dreams. Let me make you feel good Sam. Let me have control."