A/N: Hey everybody! So you decided to read the latest insane creation from the lunatic that is known as me. Well, I hope you like it…I did…was rather amused with seeing how long I could make my sentances… Anywho, thanks goes to my beta Smackalicious!!!
"What the heck is your problem?" Tony yelled after being hit for a fifth time. It had all started so innocently, a moonlit walk in the park with the girl of his dreams, and now this. In a matter of minutes, he had gone from kissing to having the crap beat out of him by some guy in the back of a van that was driving at least 30 miles per hour over the speed limit.
He attempted to dodge the next swing from the baseball bat, but was somewhat hindered, because his hands were tied behind his back, and because at that moment, the van went around a corner too fast, actually propelling him into the bat that he had been trying so hard to avoid in the first place. "Ow" was an understatement, but he said it anyway, as he tried to get up off the man whom he had conveniently knocked down in his failed attempts to avoid the bat. Not so conveniently, this man had a friend, who promptly knocked Tony out with a not-so-gentle tap on the head from the recently discarded baseball bat. As his world slowly faded into darkness, Tony swore that he would never, ever play baseball again.
Tony woke up only to find that he had been tied to a chair. It didn't take him long to make this observation, but it did take a while for him to figure out why. After running through a list of possible scenarios in his head that explained his being tied up, which included him having fallen asleep while Abby was forcing him to watch another sci-fi movie against his will, he finally concluded that he had been kidnapped, which explained why he felt like he had gotten the crap beat out of him, because he probably had.
It was rather depressing that he wasn't more freaked out than this, he thought, being held against his will and all, but worrying, he reasoned, wasn't going to untie him. Although, he didn't seem to have to worry about that specifically right now, seeing as one of the men he had encountered earlier came into the room at that moment, holding a gun, and untied him, before ordering him to rise. Tony obeyed, deciding that at this point it wasn't really worth getting shot over, and he would quite like to live to see his next birthday.
Suddenly, a man he had not seen enter the room came up behind him with two pairs of handcuffs and locked one firmly around each of Tony's wrists, before pulling him over to the nearest wall and securing the other ends of the cuffs to a pipe sticking out of the low ceiling. It had all happened so fast that Tony hadn't even noticed the second man until his hands were over his head and he was chained to the pipe, or maybe he was just unusually slow today and it hadn't really happened all that fast. Either way, Tony was now in no position to defend himself, which was rather unlucky, seeing as the second man had brought along the dreaded baseball bat.
The man wasn't very strong, and Tony had been forced to endure much worse than this before, but it was rather tiring, being hit repeatedly with a long wooden stick, so to distract himself, he decided to make a comment.
"My grandma hits harder than you," he said, which, of course, went over like a lead balloon.
When Tony next awoke, he was still chained to the pipe, and his whole body was aching. 'Note to self,' he thought, grimacing, 'never bait the man holding the baseball bat, while chained up.' Then he laughed, because he would never remember that anyway, and took stock of his injuries. It felt like he had at least a few broken ribs, along with about a million bruises, but the thing that was annoying him the most was his black eye. He couldn't put a finger on why this was the most annoying, but it was. The sensible part of his brain worried about how inexplicably calm he was about the whole ordeal, but the rest of his brain just told it to shut up and enjoy the ride.
After deciding that he would live despite his numerous injuries, Tony let his mind wander, wondering what could possibly happen to him next, and also, rather calmly, how much longer he would be able to remain upright before his legs gave way. He was spared coming up with a number, by Kate suddenly bursting into the room, gun raised. When she saw that it was clear, she rushed over to him and began to frantically pick the locks on his cuffs, which turned out to be a bad idea, because the moment he was free, he promptly fell to the floor, taking her with him.
"Geez, DiNozzo," she said, crawling out from under him and helping him to his feet. He mumbled something incoherently, trying to make a sarcastic and juvenile remark, but somehow couldn't get his mouth to work right, which was rather odd and incredibly annoying.
"I got him," Kate said into her radio, presumably to Gibbs. "He doesn't look good, must have been drugged," she continued.
'What?' Tony thought, 'I haven't been drugged!' He tried to tell her this, but once again, his tongue screwed up all of the words and all that came out was a muffled, "Shnicklebon," which didn't mean anything at all, but sounded kinda funny now that he thought about it. Kate ignored his meaningless remark, which he thought was quite rude, and sensibly led him over to the chair that he had been tied to previously.
"Sit down and shut up," she told him, gently, but firmly pushing him into the chair and checking him over for injuries.
'Hey,' Tony thought, 'that's no way to treat a guy who's been kidnapped and beaten!' Once again, he tried, and failed, to inform her of this, letting out an indignant, "Scrfmchjeskit," which wasn't nearly as funny as "Shnicklebon," but made him grin all the same.
"I thought I told you to shut up," Kate reminded him. Seeing as his rambling weren't helping anything, Tony complied, instead giving her the deadliest glare he could muster, that he hoped clearly said, "I dislike you with passion for this," but could only really one that got as far as "I."
Kate was soon saved from his "death" glare by Gibbs and McGee entering the room, Gibbs announcing that the ambulance was on its way. Tony quickly stood to tell them that he was fine and didn't need an ambulance, but only got halfway through "Gagglesnide," before his legs gave way and he went crashing to the ground. The last thing he thought was "Ow," before his hyperactive brain sank into a peaceful unconsciousness.
"...the drugs in his system should be metabolized by now, so he'll be back to normal when he wakes up." Ducky's voice was filling the small hospital room, and was the first thing that Tony heard when he woke up. Moaning softly, he put a hand to his head and opened his eyes.
"Hello, my boy," Ducky said, smiling at him.
"What happened?" Tony asked after a moment.
"Nice to see you're coherent again," Kate said, standing up from one of the hospital chairs and giving him a mocking smile, before explaining. "A couple of idiots picked you up the other night at a park, pumped you full of drugs, and beat the crap out of you."
"Oh," Tony said, because he couldn't think of anything else to say. "Did ya get 'em?"
"Of course, why do you think you're here?" Kate answered, and at that moment the rest of the team, and Abby, burst into the room.
"Tony!" Abby squealed before anyone else could say anything. "Are you okay?"
"Fine, Abbs," he told her. Gibbs gave him a searching look. "Really, I'm okay," Tony continued. McGee looked relieved to see he was okay, and smiled at him. Abby was bouncing up and down at this point.
"We were so worried about you!" she said. "I taped the game for you, ya wanna watch it?" Tony gave her a blank stare.
"No." Everyone looked at him, confused. Tony loved baseball.
"I was just beaten half to death with a baseball bat. It was a traumatic experience, okay?" he explained, half defensively. Everyone laughed, and Abby put the tape in anyway.
"Then we'll watch!" she said, and everyone ignored the rather put-out Tony, to watch the latest baseball game.