She kissed me on the lips and said, "I love you". My muscles tensed up, I backed away, "Please Regina, don't say that". Her eyes met mine unwavering. "You don't love me" I said, "You can't. You have Emma". She smiled a sad smile and ran her fingers down my face, "I know" She said, "But I can't help it". She looked away for a second and then back at me, "I love you both". I stared at her as sadness started to envelop me, "Then why do you keep leaving?" I watched as she looked at the floor searching for an answer. She looked back up and said, "You two are so similar, I can't stay away".
AT HOME
My daughter Reilly and I sat at the kitchen table doing homework.
"Momma can we bake cookies?" She asked me.
"After your homework baby", I said
She went back to her homework seeming satisfied by my answer. Reilly was seven years old and a smart kid. Sometimes I thought she might have been too smart for her own good. I smiled as I thought of some of the retorts she'd give me daily. I watched her as she completed her math worksheet and started on her spelling. She was a spitting image of Regina with my blue eyes, long curly hair, and little nose. She had my charisma and Regina's sass.
After twenty minutes, she said, "Okay I'm finished" and put her pencil down. As I looked at the papers I smiled, "Baby girl, you are so smart".
She smiled wide and said, "I know momma, thank you". I chuckled at her words.
"Can we make cookies now?" I smiled down at her and said, "Yes, we can make cookies now".
Noise filled the kitchen as we took out the pots and pans from the cabinets. Reilly pushed a chair over to the cabinet, climbed up and reached for a mixing bowl.
"You got it sweetheart? Or do you need help?" I asked
"I got it", she said
I watched as she grabbed onto it
"Be careful", I said
"I am"
She pulled it carefully with both hands bringing it down slowly. I kept my eye on her letting her do as she pleased. She set it on the counter smiling proudly.
"See, I told you I got it"
I grinned at her happiness. I walked over to the fridge and pulled out a carton of eggs
"Can you get the milk for me please?"
"Yeah!" She replied jumping down from the chair. She then pulled it over to the fridge, climbed up the seat and went for the milk. As she grabbed it and I saw her arms shake slightly
"Is it too heavy for you? Do you want me to help?" I asked
"Yes please".
I went over and placed my hands on her hands
"Ready?"
"Yeah" She replied a little out of breath
We lifted the milk out of the fridge together, I then held the milk while she eased herself off the chair. She grabbed hold of the milk and we carried it over to the counter together.
"Thank you for getting the milk sweetheart"
She laughed and said, "No problem momma".
"Okay, so we almost have all of the ingredients, what else do you think we need?"
"Um, when we made cookies in school we had butter, salt, um…sugar, two of those…
I placed the items on the counter as she ran them off to me
… We had vanilla extract, and we also had flour and baking soda".
I placed those items on the counter as well
"Anything else?"
She bounced up and down as she squeaked
"Chopped nuts and semisweet I don't know why chocolate chips"
I laughed as I grabbed both bags from the bottom cabinets
"Okay, what do we do next?"
Her face scrunched up as she tried to remember
"We pre—what is it pre-heat the oven to 375 degrees Cel, um, Celsius".
I nodded at her with a smile on my face
"Good job baby girl".
I turned the oven on to 375 and we started on making the dough
10 MINUTES LATER
"You want me to taste them to see if they cooled down yet?" I asked
She giggled and said, "No momma, I want the first cookie".
The phone starts ringing
"You can have the first cookie pumpkin, I just want to know if they are cool enough to eat yet" I laugh walking over to the phone. I pick it up and press the TALK button
"Hello"
"Hey"
"Regina!" I say as I watch Reilly lick chocolate off her fingers
There's an unsure pause then, "I was just calling to see how you and Reilly were doing".
I close my eyes, "We are doing fine, just finished baking cookies".
"Really?" There's a smile in her voice
"Yeah".
Shuffling is heard on the other end
"Would it be all right if I spoke to her?"
"Regina— "
"I just want to say hi…please?"
"She has to want to talk to you Regina, I can't make her do that"
A slight pause
"Would you…ask her for me?"
"Sure, one second"
I put the phone down and go over to Reilly she has chocolate all over her mouth and fingers.
"Hey Cupcake?" She looks up at me
"Yeah momma"
"Mommy is on the phone; do you want to speak to her?"
She scrunches up her face again, looking unsure, I wait for her reply
"Yeah, I want to talk to her"
She gets up from her chair, wipes her hands on the piece of paper towel next to her and walks over to the phone. She puts it to her ear.
"Hello? Mommy?"
Regina lets out a sigh of relief
"Hi sweetheart, how are you?"
"I'm good"
Reilly sits down on the edge of the couch
Regina's voice floats through the phone
"How was your day? How was school?"
A smile peaks at Reilly's face as she says, "It was good, I had fun in class today. We did reading, math, we did some spelling and then at lunch time I ate chicken nuggets and had chocolate milk and then we went outside to play"
With a smile in her voice, "You're right! All of that does sound fun!"
I watch as Reilly smiles to herself, she then says
"Momma picked me up from school and we did homework and baked cookies".
"That sounds wonderful darling".
"Yeah! We are eating them right now"
Regina's laugh floats through the phone
Reilly then bits her bottom lip and says
"Mommy can I come over tomorrow?"
There's a second of silence before
"I have work tomorrow sweetheart, but we will see okay?"
Reilly's face falls a little bit before saying, "Okay"
Reilly then turns to me with sadness in her eyes
"Do you want to talk to momma?"
There's silence on the other end and I know Regina doesn't want to let her go just yet
"Sure sweetheart, why not?"
She stands up from the couch and as she walks over to me says
"Okay, here she is, I love you"
She hands me the phone as Regina says
"I love you too sweetheart"
She then turns around and walks towards the stairs, her footsteps muffle themselves as she reaches the top, then her door swings open and then closes.
I put the phone to my ear
"Really Regina? What the fuck?"
Regina sighs frustratingly and says
"What did you want me to say Erika, I can't make promises".
"I don't want you to make promises Regina, I want you to be there for her, I want you to be a fucking mother".
Regina grits her teeth and says
"You know that I can't do that"
I let out a frustrated sigh of my own before saying
"Why the hell not Regina? Why is it so damn difficult?"
"Because I'm not leaving Emma, I'm not leaving my family, not for you"
I close my eyes praying for patience
"Right, because Reilly's not part of your family, too? Don't fucking tell her that you love her when you won't even participate in her life, that's bullshit Regina"
I then hang up before she can say another word.
REILLY'S ROOM
I knock softly on the bedroom door
"Reilly baby?"
I hear a muffled "Come in" before opening the door. She's on her bed, her face buried in her pillow.
"Cupcake"
She turns her face towards me, her eyes are red rimmed and her face is tearstained
"Why doesn't she want to see me?"
I go over to the bed and scoop her into my arms. I don't know what to say, I hate lying to my little girl and since I don't know the answer to her question, I hold her close instead of answering.