Harry Potter and the Brisket Loaf: First Blood
or
The Adventures of Young Harry Potter
Episode 3: Harry Potter and the Escaped Convict
There was something wrong about Madame Hooch. Something imperceptible at first, maybe, but wrong all the same. She had been smiling wickedly to herself all afternoon as Minerva had tried more and more elaborate guesses, but then Minerva never was a great reader of classic English sci-fi, preferring instead the hard-core Scottish nationalism of the avid Iain M. Banks and Ken McCloud fanatic. And so she never got the reference, which was a shame. I mean, there is a very good, very strong Caladonian scene, but I really don't think that partisan politics should preclude pleasure in prose.
The thing that was wrong, of course, was that Madam Hooch's feet didn't quite touch the ground; although this was just a magical effect and nothing more metaphysical. All the same, Hooch had quite enjoyed leading McGonagall on a guided tour of her body to discover this fact. And although Minerva was far too practical to have done anything like throw herself out of an upstairs window that doesn't mean that they couldn't enjoy the added benefits of the gravity free lifestyle. Not one bit.
The following section has been edited down because the writer is not actually a lesbian and therefore doesn't feel adequate to fully describe the events. Not that that's stopped anyone else, but still. There are principles involved. What follows is that which was deemed by unbiased editors to be the accurate elements of the original manuscript in their entirety.
...labia...
In its hidden lair the robot gristed its own metallic mill. It chafed at this confinement. This confinement to unfeeling metal, this confinement to underground incarceration, this confinement to watching the sex-play of others through a network of magical and mechanical surveillance that it had set up to further its own ends.
'Do you want to clean up at all?'
'Darling, I've just come. Gloriously. I don't have the energy. Not even for a 'simple cleansing charm', now come up here into my arms and let me hold you.'
'Get up.'
'Nggggnngngng.'
'Get up or I'll kick you again.'
'Leave it Dudley. I don't think that he can.'
'He can if I say he can.'
'Leave that kid alone.' A sudden shambling vision invaded the scene behind the bike sheds behind the school, scaring Dudley and his chums witless. It would have scared Harry too, but he was already pretty witless, not to say windless, watching through sharp tears from his position on the floor.
'Quick. It's a paedophile. Leg it,' Dudley shouted, and he and his cronies ran off laughing and shouting homophobic insults. Kids, eh? Little rascals.
The figure shuffled forwards up to Harry and bent down. For some reason his progress seemed to be impaired by a large ball and chain attached to his feet. When he spoke it was with breath stained by decaying teeth and lungs that were probably better left unmentioned. 'You owe me, boy.' The figure said.
Harry was terrified.
'The name's Magwitch, and I saved your life so don't you forget it. I knows what you are, my boy. I knows what you are. Only, I have to go because I'm being chased by the government, 'cos of what I am.'
And then the figure shuffled off.
Harry continued to shudder. He thought that he might have a broken rib, but he couldn't tell. This far from the school building he couldn't hear the comforting voice of his friend, the snake. He was all alone.
After a time another fellow came along. A fellow with a face and a grin like a skull. A constant, rictus smirk of monomaniacal smugness.
'Actually, I am a gay,' the man announced, possibly to Harry but then again possibly to no-one in particular. The man preened at his greatcoat. Harry tried to make a noise, but couldn't. 'Or, rather, I suppose you could say that I was bisexual,' the man continued. 'But then again, isn't everyone these days. I don't know, maybe I'm pan-sexual. That's got a good ring to it.'
The man appeared to notice Harry at last. 'Oh, by the way,' he said. 'I'm Captain Jack Harkness, it rhymes with Darkness, and I'm a supernatural investigator. Did you see a filthy looking man run past just now? Actually, scratch that. I don't need you to tell me which way he went, I was only asking for effect. I already now the answer to this mystery, I've known it from the beginning of the episode, I just have to pretend that I don't to try and lend some gravitas to the proceedings. I know! Gravitas! Me!?! Who would have thought it?
'Anyway, I must dash. I've a rooftop to find.'
Harry managed to get a hand to his mouth. He could taste iron and the fingers came away red.
'Harry! Oh, Harry. Who did this to you?' Mrs Samways came running towards him. She looked a little dishevelled, having just met Captain Jack Harkness, it rhymes with Darkness, herself. She bent down over the boy, adjusting her bra as she did so. 'Oh, my poor boy. This is terrible. We must get you an ambulance. We must look after you better. We have to get to the bottom of this bullying.'
'No no no no no no no.' A grave voice followed and with it the grave personage of the most powerful wizard of his age, adjusting his robes. 'I am not my young self anymore,' the wizard laughed, 'or that encounter with the American chap would not have inconvenienced me so long. But as it is, I must stop you there, my dear woman.'
And so he extracted his wand and I'm pretty sure you know what happens next. Hey, don't look at me like that, Red Hot Chilli Peppers have released the same album every two years for their entire career and it's not harmed them at all. I'm off to pour myself a glass of sherry.
Hah!
Next Week: Harry Potter and Iron Maiden Tag Team Trouble – it's a matter of life and death, so don't miss it.
(And yes, that really is a stonking album.)