My heart was beating extremely fast, as it always did when he was near me.
"Edward," I whispered, reaching for his hand in the dark. Instead of his cold flesh I grasped air. Confused, I looked to his face for the answers.
The vision turned, and scoffed. "You need to get a grip, Bella."
"What?" I whispered, my face draining of blood. "Edward?" I asked again, holding my hand out so he could take it. He looked at it with disgust. I slowly walked toward him, my hand quivering. Finally, our hands touched.
Edward's eyes flashed with anger. "How dare you?" He threw my hand off, his voice hard. "Do you think that a mere human can keep me here?" His voice contained no kindness, just a kind of cold intensity that I never expected from him.
"What do you mean?" My voice grew softer with each word, but I knew he still heard.
"I mean, Isabella," I flinched as he reverted to my full name, "you are not good enough for me. I don't need to pretend anymore. You'll never see me again." He paused, then added cruelly, "Besides, your human mind will easily forget. Time can heal everything that hurts."
"What about you?" I asked, my voice cracking with pain.
A shadow passed over his features. He smiled a grim smile. "There will be others."
I flinched, and clutched at my chest as my heart broke in two. There will be others. He knew it was the worst thing he could ever say to me. I gasped, my breathing leaning towards hyperventilation. "You—you're—"
"No, Bella, I'm not lying." Edward's voice was now completely devoid of warmth. Any sort of love he'd ever felt for me was…
I couldn't think it.
Edward turned and started walking away. The darkness was blurring his features—or maybe it was just tears clouding my vision. My chest felt as if it had been ripped in two.
"Edward!" I called after him, hoping—wishing—he wouldn't leave; tell me it was all a lie.
He stopped. Turned.
I stopped breathing, my broken heart beating wildly.
"Bella?" He asked. Edward came back towards me, his eyes full of concern. "What's wrong?"
It was all just a lie. All a lie. My Edward was never leaving me…I gasped as his features melted into those of a tan Quileute, his long black hair pulled up in a ponytail.
"Bella?" Jacob asked as he reached me, the concern evident on his face. I stared in shock, and my heart splintered into thousands of tiny pieces. Jacob.
My Jacob. My Edward.
I couldn't have both.
"Are you still worried about that filthy bloodsucker?" He asked harshly, his eyes hard coals. His words made me remember something I couldn't ignore. Edward and Jacob were enemies. I could never have both of them. My path didn't cross with both of theirs.
"No. No." My words got louder, my fear climbing from the pit of my stomach to my throat. "Not you. No." I scrambled away, running into the darkness where Edward had been—I stumbled and fell, my klutz nature hindering me again.
Jacob had followed. "Bella—" His words were cut off, and I turned to see his face. Edward's face. "I don't love you anymore," he whispered harshly, his grip on my arm tight.
"No!" I sat up, my body drenched in sweat. I cast my eyes around the room frantically, looking for the one who wasn't there. And would never be there again. I gripped my night-shirt with my hand; the cracks in my heart were widening, and I had nothing to bind them. I glanced at the clock and groaned when I saw the time. There were still five hours until I went to Jacob's, but I desperately needed him now. I had to wait, and the only thing that was clear to me was that I couldn't fall asleep again. I padded quietly to my wall, and flicked on the light. It burned my eyes, and I quickly shut them, waiting patiently for the white spots to dissipate. After sitting on my bed for several minutes, I realized I couldn't do that without thinking. And it was very dangerous for me to think now.
Throwing open my closet doors, I rummaged through my box of scant reading materials. Wuthering Heights. Cathy and Heathcliff's relationship reminded me of the previous devotion—I hurriedly shoved the worn book to the bottom of the box, randomly grabbing another. Sense and Sensibility. The space in my chest pulsed painfully. No reading then.
When I closed the doors, my eyes fell on the ancient computer. I could email Renée. She had been sending progressively snippier but concerned emails, and I had only half-heartedly replied to them. She had seen straight through my forced cheerfulness.
Hey, Mom. I started it out, and then added, I couldn't sleep. I suppressed the urge to add again.
Don't worry though; I'm keeping up with school. I know I can't lie to you and say that I have been getting sleep, cause I haven't. It's just really hard right now. I just wanted to let you know I was okay, I'll probably email you later. I guess I'll try to get some sleep.
Love you, Bella
P.S. Don't call Charlie and freak out. I'm fine, really.
I hit the send button, and turned the computer off, too impatient to wait for it to stutter to a stop. I yawned, and looked despairingly at my bed. It promised another nightmare. Wanting to keep my promise to Renée, I trudged up to it and climbed in my damp sheets. It was quite gross, but that was the least of my worries. I hoped I was too exhausted to dream again.
"Bells!" Jacob waved from his position by the bikes, and I smiled back in relief.
"Hey, Jake." I reached out and took his hand, his warmth comforting me. He looked closely at my face.
"You didn't get any sleep last night, did you?"
"Is it that obvious?" I asked tiredly. I had done what I could about the bruising under my eyes, but it was still pretty noticeable. I hated how haggard I was looking all the time now.
Jacob brushed my hair back from my face, his touch leaving a trail of fire. I shivered. I needed the contact, I needed to be healed. I took his face in my hands, and he looked at me sharply. Slowly, he brought his lips closer to mine, and mine to his.
At the last moment, I turned my face away and his lips brushed my cheek instead. I hung my head. "I'm sorry, Jake." I mumbled, but he only chuckled.
"Nothing you could ever do would upset me," he said. He clutched me tightly, his chest warm and reassuring. He was always there for me.
"You need to forget about him."
"What?" I asked, taken by surprise that he would bring something like that up.
"I'm here now." He said, his voice full of emotion.
"I know—" My words were cut off as he placed his lips on mine. I struggled at first, then gave in. I closed my eyes, and kissed him back. My face was flushed when we pulled apart.
"I apologize if what I did was rude," Jacob said. He didn't look at all sorry and his eyes were twinkling merrily.
"Well, Jacob Black, you would know if I had found that offensive." I teased him, sliding my hand into his. "How about we don't ride the bikes today?" I dragged him toward the beach, where I had first, rather badly, flirted with him.
Jacob planted a chaste kiss on my lips before I scrambled into my truck. "Can I come over tomorrow?" I asked, still worried that he would find some reason to reject me, even after today.
"All day's open," he replied, rubbing his hand along my jaw leaving a trail of fire again.
"See you tomorrow then," I smiled a goodbye, the rumbling of my truck practically drowning out my words.
Walking in the kitchen, Charlie picked up on my good mood. "Have a good time with Jacob?"
I grinned stupidly from my place at the sink. Thank goodness he couldn't see me; he'd know something was up. "Yeah," I said simply.
"Hmm," Charlie replied, already delving into the paper.
"Well, dinner's in the fridge. I'm going to try and get to bed earlier tonight."
"Tonight?" Charlie asked quizzically, finally looking up from the newspaper. "But tomorrow's only Sunday. You don't need to get up early for anything—" Then it dawned on him. "Oh…" He grinned, "You kids have fun tomorrow."
I didn't answer as I pounded my way up the stairs, shutting my door behind me. After quickly getting ready for bed, I pulled the covers up to my chin, the warm cocoon reminding me of Jacob. I blushed. I knew I should feel guilty, but I wasn't. Maybe it was a sign that the harm Edward had caused me was finally healing…I yawned. The sleep deprivation was getting to me.
I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into the black abyss of my dreams. Edward hadn't shown up yet, but the cramped feeling of being in too small of a room was suffocating. I whimpered, knowing what was coming would hurt so very badly—
A sharp rapping at my window pulled me from my nightmare. I rubbed my eyes, peering blearily through the darkness. Jacob's face grinned at me from behind the glass.
"Jacob," I mouthed, horrorstruck. If Charlie found out about my nighttime visitors he would kill me. I pulled the window up, grimacing when it creaked.
"What are you doing here?" I whispered fiercely, surprise slowly being replaced by annoyance. It was hard enough trying to sleep when I had nightmares, let alone a visitor.
"I had a feeling you needed me." He answered.
All of my annoyance collapsed. "Yes," I whimpered, and he drew me into a hug. Gently, he picked me up and tucked me into bed, climbing in beside me.
"Another nightmare?" He whispered, his breath tickling my face.
I nodded, and he brought me closer.
"I'm here," he whispered, kissing my forehead. "Go to sleep, Bella." I closed my eyes and sighed, the presence of Jacob keeping my nightmares at bay.
I awoke to hear a low growling. I yawned and stretched, my arms hitting the tense body of Jacob. "Jake, what's wrong?" I asked, alarmed when I realized the growling was coming from him.
His mouth moved into a snarl. "That bloodsucker is back." My heart stopped. I searched his face, and knew it was true. He wouldn't be acting this way otherwise. Edward. Back. After leaving me for months. But I had Jacob now…my heart knew it was a lie. I only used Jacob's affections to cure my own loneliness and abandonment. I flew out of my bed, but Jacob was faster, and already to the door.
"Jake!" I yelled, frightened of what he would do. Jacob flew down the stairs, with me close at his heels.
"Bella!" Charlie yelled; he'd been woke up by the commotion, seen Jacob flash down the stairs and jumped to the worst conclusions. "Isabella Swan! You'll come right now if you know what's good for you!"
I was already outside. Standing in the yard in all his glorious beauty was Edward. He looked at me ashamed, his arms hanging limp at his sides. Edward took a step toward me, but Jacob blocked him from my view.
"You have no place here." He said harshly, his whole body quivering. I knew he was trying extremely hard to not lose control.
Edward continued to remain mute.
"Jake, it's okay," I murmured, in awe that I was actually seeing Edward, and it wasn't one of my delusions.
"No. It's not." His voice was tense with suppressed rage. He was trying to get his body under control.
"Bella." Edward's words were like honey to my ears, and I involuntarily took a step toward him.
"You think that you can just hurt her, and come back as if nothing has changed?" Jacob's voice quivered with anger. "She loves me now," he spat.
Edward searched my face, a question and hint of doubt on his face. "Is that true Bella? I'll leave."
"No!" I cried out quickly. My heart wouldn't be able to take another dose of that pain.
"Well, Bella, tell him." Jacob commanded, and I stared in alarm from him to Edward.
"I-I—" Jacob looked at me expectedly. "I'm sorry, Jake." I whispered, full of guilt.
"I'm sorry too Bella." Jacob said harshly, his whole body slumping. He loped off dejectedly, without a backward glance.
"Wait, Jake—" I called after him, not willing to lose him completely.
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me that," he said, his voice devoid of emotion. "And don't come near me again." He cut off our ties with those words, and I stumbled after him. Edward grabbed my arm and spun me into his arms, picking me up. He carried me into the house with a large amount of protest from Charlie, up the stairs, and tucked me in my still warm bed.
"I'll be back soon," he whispered, kissing me on the forehead. Charlie's yells followed him out the door and I specifically heard how I was grounded for the rest of my life and how he wasn't allowed to step foot in this house again.
The bed still smelled like Jake. My eyes welled up, and I cried myself to the point of exhaustion. When Charlie would check my room he'd see me in a deep sleep.
I shuddered when Edward's cold hand touched my shoulder. He shimmied into bed, tucking the blankets around me to protect me from his cold body, and pulled me closer to him. "I'm sorry, Bella." I snuggled in closer to his chest, but he pushed me away and held me at arms length. After all this time, he was keeping me from the contact I so craved? "I need to know you forgive me."
I thought of how to answer. I decided on the truth. "I couldn't live after you left." He tensed, knowing it was all his fault. "Finally, when I could function again, I went to school." I stayed silent, deciding to edit my story to the point. "I fell in love with Jacob, Edward." He hissed, and almost escaped the covers, but I gripped his waist. "But you came back."
"Bella, you belong with him. He's never done anything to hurt you, and I—I've hurt you so badly. If you had to run to that dog for comfort…" He cut off. "I'm so sorry."
"Just don't leave again." I half whispered the words, some falling away.
"What?" He whispered, staring intently at me in the dark.
"I love you Edward Cullen. Don't leave me again." I closed my eyes and snuggled to his chest again.
After a pause he asked again, "Do you forgive me for what I've done?"
"No." He cringed, and I quickly continued. "Staying here helps."
Edward obligingly hugged me closer. "I'll never leave you again."
"I know," I sighed.
"I love you," he murmured into my hair.
I sighed again, sleep coming quickly. And this time, I knew Edward would be there when I woke. A loving gaze on his face, but one tinged with regret. I loved him and forgave him.