If Pokemon trained Humans, I still wouldn't own Pokemon. Or Humans.

A young Kirlia woke up early one morning. This Kirlia was named Pearl, and she had a very special reason to wake up so early that day.

Pearl walked quickly downstairs, although she did not run, as that would ruin her shoes. Actually, she attempted to walk quickly downstairs, but ended up tripping on her Nintendium Wii and falling downstairs1. She curled up into a ball, and rolled into her mother's room, next to said mother.

The mother in question, a Gardevoir that Pearl knew simply as Mom, was in front of a mirror, adjusting her makeup.

"Owwwww…" Pearl groaned, just loudly enough to get her mother's attention. Mom quickly turned; in fact, she turned a bit too quickly, tripped on her duodermis2, and ended up sprawled on the floor next to her daughter.

In unison, the two groaned. "Owww…" As Pearl attempted to get up, she bumped into Mom, who bumped into the mirror. Pearl and Mom once again found themselves on the floor, next to a broken mirror.

"Sorry, mom", Pearl said, after getting up.

"That's okay, Pearl", Mom replied, taking the hand that Pearl offered her. "I think I put a bit too much makeup, anyway."

"I meant about the mirror."

"Oh, that's okay. I'll get Mime to clean it up."

"So, how do you think your date's going to go?"

"Oh, I think it'll go well. I mean, we've been dating for a good few- Oh my gosh, it's going to go horribly, he's going to hate me, I'll never see him again, I'm such a –"

"Calm down, Mom. It's going to go great, because you're an amazing person. In fact, I bet that by the time three months have passed, he'll have proposed to you. I'm sure he's completely in love with you, and I know you're not going to divorce again."

"That – that reminds me… Your father called. He said that you could come today to – "

Mom once again found herself on the floor, this time from the speed of Pearl's quick walk. She attempted to get up, and knocked over a cabinet.

Mime entered the room. He stared around silently, and then made a sighing motion. The psychic–type Human made an outline of a broom and pan with his hands, and began cleaning.

Pearl walked quickly through the streets to her father's laboratory. She passed two homes, walked past the "Welcome to Twinarm Town" sign, and met with Diamond3 outside the laboratory, which she could see was closed.

"So, I guess we're adults now", Diamond grinned. "I mean, we're getting our starter Humans! That's so awesome!"

"Well, I could make a snivyish4 comment about how you haven't finished growing your third and fourth arms5 yet, so you can't be an adult but that would be mean, so I won't."

"Oh, haha, laugh at the kid who's going to have trouble with coordination and finding shirts throughout his puberty. Well, I know that your skinny Gardevoir legs won't help you balance, and I bet you'll fall on your own duodermis, which will start growing too long for your dresses to fit."

"Wellll, my m – hey, look, the lab's open! Let's go!"

Pearl walked into the lab quickly but carefully, with Diamond limping in behind her. She did not expect what she found inside, though.

"Dad?" She called, although she did not see him. "Why are there so many poles here?"

"Huh? Oh, you're here!" A voice called back. "Hold on one second."

On the other side of the pit, Professor Pine appeared. He jumped rather quickly over the three poles in between him and the teens, and scooped Pearl into the air for a hug. "I'm so proud of you, Pearl! My own daughter is going to be league champ!"

"Hey, what about me?" Diamond asked.

"You want a hug too? Okay!" Pine was now hugging them both.

"That's not what I meant."

Pearl, finally managing to breathe despite the bone-crushing hug, gasped, "Can you lower the drawbridge so we can get to the lab?"

"Drawbridge? Don't be silly!" Pine jumped backward, into the pit, still carrying the now-screaming teens. Without looking behind him, the professor gracefully bounded across to the door.

"Hello there! Welcome to the world of Humans! My name is Professor Pine."

Pearl, once she found her breath, asked, "No offense, dad, but are you freaking insane?"

"No, I don't think so; why? Did Professor Willow tell you that?"

"Why did you have to carry us like that?" Diamond asked.

"I had to carry you because of the poles, of course. How else would you get across?"

"I don't know", Pearl said. "Maybe you could decide not to have a pit at the entrance?"

"Ohhh… No, I need that pit."

"Why do you need it?"

"Well, Mangrove – you know him, right? The professor from Johto? – one of Mangrove's Humans was stolen by some kid a year or two ago. Since I don't want anyone to do the same here, I set the poles up as security and learned martial arts at Diamond's dojo."

"You do realize, then", Diamond asked, "that I could have jumped across myself?"

"You both are insane."

"Well, kids, I think we've spent too long here. Come on, let's go inside."

"Welcome, children to my laboratory!" Pine said.

"You realize that we can't see anything, right?" Diamond asked.

"Ah, yes, I'll turn the lights on."

Gallade fumbled about for the lights and turned them on. Then he turned them off. Then he turned them on again. Then he turned them off.

"Dad!"

Then he turned them on again.

"Anyway, welcome, children, to my laboratory. Before I give you your starters, though, I have to ask you for some help."

"Sure", Pearl said. "What do you need?"

"Well, you understand that logic is based on classification, correct?" Diamond and Pearl nodded. "And you know that humology is a study of Humans based on the classifications we give them, correct?" The teens nodded again. "No, wait; this isn't a good way to explain it. You know about the Humodex, correct? The object that we humologists place our descriptions and classifications of Humans in? Well, the Humodex was invented a long time ago, by the ancient Empires. Most humologists have placed their faith in the Humodex, simply elaborating on it. However, we, meaning several Professors in other regions and myself, have recently learned that most of the information in the Humodex is actually either blatantly incorrect or based upon old legends. Furthermore, many of the classifications are not standardized, with some evolutions having the same names as their previous stages and others' entries not making sense at all. If I, or any of the Professors, announce this, though, we could face a state Reinquisition or even a lack of funding. We, like all other scientists, need evidence to support our theories, but we can't travel ourselves, because we need to maintain our laboratories. Furthermore, we can only ask pokemon we trust to help us. Thus, I need your help."

"Well", Pearl said, "you're still my dad. I'm going to help, because if I didn't, you could just ground me, even after the divorce."

"Of course", Diamond said, "I may not be your child, but my dad would be furious if I didn't do this. You're giving me a Human, so he'd say something like, 'How dare you dishonor our family like this! I am going to make you train for a century before you can leave this house!'"

"Wonderful, then, children", Pine smiled. "Wonderful."

"Now, on this table, you see the humoballs that contain your Humans. Or at least, I would say that, but these are not yours. Grab the Humodexes on the table and follow me." Pine entered an elevator and and the younger pokemon followed. "Enter Floor B500, Section D." The elevator started moving down. "Okay, now I will explain the Humodexes. The first thing you should know about them is that they have several apps that people can attach to them for you. You'll probably meet people who can give you things like Poketches, Pokegears, and so on. I have taken the liberty of adding several applications for you. If you press the 'x' button, you will see a list of these applications. The 'save' button will send me your data and location, in case you're in trouble or have made a great discovery. The 'options' will adjust the Humodex's screen and the 'scan' will allow you to scan Humans for data. The option with your name on it is what will be sent to me – you can edit it before saving if you need to. The 'items' will allow you to teleport items out of storage and into your bag or hand, and the 'Humans' will display your current party. Unfortunately, I could not fit the PC data into the 'Humans' list. However, you'll notice that once you scan a Human, it will appear in your 'Humans' list or PC, as well as on the 'scan' for a brief period of time. The 'scan' will tell you the Human's stats, nature, its nine IVs and EVs, and the breed we currently classify it as. They taught you two about IVs, EVs, and natures in class, correct?"

Diamond said, "Yeah, but I never paid attention. I'm going to win with the power of friendship, and I'm not even going to be in the metagame. I'm directly challenging the Elite Four."

Pine looked disappointed, so Kirlia said, "Cheer up, dad; I'm still metagaming. I'm going to be at the tournament."

Pine nodded. "Good, because I got you some very special Humans. Come with me, kids."

The elevator doors opened, and they stepped out… into an area that looked exactly like the one they had just left. "Stand here for a second."

Pine walked up to the table with the humoballs on it, pressed the left one into the table, and then knocked on the middle one three times.

"SECURITY SYSTEM DISENGAGED. THANK YOU, AND HAVE A NICE DAY." Several lasers appeared all over the lab before disappearing again.

"You can come in now."

"That's a lot of security for three Humans, isn't it?" Pearl asked.

"You have no clue how hard it was to get ahold of these three. Go on, scan them."

Diamond scanned them. "I don't get it."

"You wouldn't. Pearl, you try."

"Okay", Pearl replied, and scanned the three humoballs. What she saw made her drop her Humodex, and she had to pick it up and scan again to make sure that she was seeing correctly.

"PERFECT IVS? Oh my god, dad, how long did it take you to get these?"

"Well, it was actually from a trade a few weeks ago. I thought I'd give them to my Dex holders."

"But three? You only needed two."

"No, there's actually a third holder, but she's late."

"Wow, and you got Psis, too. I thought they limited typing for starters."

"Yeah, but these evolve differently, and I thought you'd like to try Humans with these types."

Diamond looked confused. "Wait, how do these evolve differently?"

Pearl stared at him. "Well, if you paid attention in humology class, you'd know that Psis evolve into different types based on which of their stats is higher – emotion, memory, or willpower6."

"Oh, okay."

"And each of these natures boost one of those stats, while decreasing attack, since all of the evolutions are special attackers…"

Pine grinned. "Correct! Each of you will have one of these. It's your choice."

"Pearl, you choose first."

"Are you sure, Diamond? You don't want to?"

"No, I don't know which one is which anyway."

"Fine, then I choose… this one!" She pointed to the one in the middle. "The one with the manipulative nature, so it'll evolve into a Psychic/Dark type."

Diamond said, "Okay, then I choose… this one! The unstable natured one."

"The one that'll evolve into a Psychic/Fighting type?"

"It'll evolve into a Fighting type? That's awesome."

Both kids picked up the Humoballs they had chosen.

"Good, good. Anyway, kids, I think it's time for you to get going. Make sure to see your mothers before leaving town, though. Also, if you see a Dusclops named Platinum, make sure to tell her to come by to pick up her Psi."

1) The Wii, which fell with her, was, of course, undamaged.

2) The duodermis is a second layer of skin that all Ralts, Kirlia, and Gardevoir have. Although it is occasionally confused for a dress, it is a Ralts'/Kirlia's/Gardevoir's outer layer of skin, an exoskeleton of some sort. It also gives Gardevoir a much needed support for their weight, because their legs are too small and skinny to walk assistance.

3) Diamond was Pearl's childhood friend, a Machoke whose father ran a gym in Twinarm Town. Like Pearl, he wanted to become a Human trainer.

4) Although discrimination against Snivies fell a lot after the brunt of the Revolution came to an end, Snivies are still stereotyped as arrogant and rude, leading the term "snivyish" to mean "mean".

5) Pokemon grow up a little at a time, unlike Humans, which rapidly evolve once they reach a certain amount of experience or when certain other conditions are met.

6) Emotion, memory, and willpower are three recently discovered stats. Willpower allows Humans to resist status effects, memory allows Humans to learn more moves at one time, and emotion buffs stats based on the type of emotion that the Human is feeling.

Well, this is a Deconstruction/ Reconstruction/ Parody/ Crack Fic / Speculative Fic/ Author Tract/ Sci-Fi/ Something. You're welcome, so review!