Title: Secret Heart
Author: goldenwanderer
Rating: PG/K+
Warnings: Mild language, canon angst.
Summary: Songs and short fics chronicling some of the life of Andromeda Tonks.
Author's Notes: This fic comes from a fanmix I made about Andromeda Tonks. (If you are interested in seeing the mix, use the links in my profile.) For those of who you don't know what a fanmix is, it's a collection of songs put together by a fan to represent a character or fandom or pairing... or anything from fandom. For my fanmix, I wrote short fics for each of the songs (except the instrumentals, which I have not listed here) for the fun of it. Sometimes the fics help explain how the song fits Andromeda.
The songs and fics are in roughly chronological order, and are divided into three parts. The first part is Andromeda's life up until her parents find out she's dating Ted; the second part is the time in between the discovery of her secret and her decision to leave home; and the third part follows the rest of her life, up until Teddy Lupin is a small boy. There will be a lot of Ted/Andromeda love (it's canon, and one of my favorite pairings), several about Tonks, and lots of angst. Andromeda's life has a lot of angst, especially in certain points.
Fair warnings: like any fic, these short fics (and the songs they go with) are my interpretation of the character of Andromeda. Some of you may disagree with the way I have portrayed her, or the way the story plays out. Andromeda happens to be one of my favorite characters, and these fics are my vision of her life. I hope you all enjoy it, whatever your views of her.
Wunderkind - Alanis Morrissette
Oh perilous place walk backwards toward you
Blink disbelieving eyes chilled to the bone
Most visibly brave no apprehended gloom
First to take this foot to virgin snow
I am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
I am a wunderkind
I am a ground-breaker naive enough to believe this
I am a princess on the way to my throne
"How did you do that, Mummy?" says Andromeda. There is snow falling in the backyard, and it's the middle of summer.
Druella Black smiles and waves her wand again. The snow falls faster, and Andromeda's eyes grow wider. "Magic," says Druella.
"I like magic," says Andromeda. "But I like the real snow better."
"This is real snow."
"I like the kind that falls in the winter. You don't need a wand for that snow. I like that better."
"You'll like this kind of snow soon enough," says Druella, stopping the snowfall and putting her wand back into her robes. "You'll learn to love magic soon enough."
"I still like the other kind better," says Andromeda. She stares up into the sky. She doesn't mind waiting for that special kind of snow that doesn't need a wand. To her, it's as good as magic.
Once Upon a December - Deana Carter
Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...
Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...
And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December
"Father!"
Cygnus Black hardly has a chance to turn his head before his middle daughter, Andromeda, leaps into his arms. He catches her and swings her around once before lifting her up higher in his arms.
"Father, do you like my new dress? Mother says it's perfect for the party? Do you think so?"
"It's beautiful, Andromeda. You look absolutely stunning."
She grins from ear to ear. "Father, do you think I'm old enough to dance yet?" she asks. "Mother wouldn't say."
He smiles. "Of course you're old enough to dance. You can dance with me, right here, right now."
He spins her around and around. She laughs. It's the most beautiful sound he has ever heard.
I've Just Seen a Face - Jim Sturgess
I've just seen a face,
I can't forget the time or place
Where we just met, she's just the girl for me
And I want all the world to see we've met
Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never been aware
But as it is I'll dream of her tonight
"Oh, I'm sorry, miss, I didn't mean to…" Ted mutters. He has crashed into a girl on the train. How stupid can you get?
"No, it was my fault. I wasn't looking where I was going." He looks up. She is the prettiest girl he has ever seen. He gulps and is frozen in place. "Well, are you going to move or not?"
He hasn't realized how long he has been standing there. "Sorry," he mutters. He moves out of the way. "I'm Ted, by the way," he says. Why is he talking to her? "Ted Tonks."
She stares at him for a moment. Her face is cold and expressionless, but her eyes are slightly warmer and friendlier (if you can call it friendly). "Andromeda Black," she says at last. Then she walks past him and disappears into a nearby compartment.
He stares at the compartment she has disappeared into for a moment, then shakes his head and begins to look for a compartment for himself. But he can't get those eyes out of his head. Ted likes nice girls, and she doesn't seem like a nice girl, but he doesn't mind. Those eyes are still stuck in his mind.
Let You Down - Three Days Grace
Trust me
There's no need to fear
Everyone's here
Waiting for you to finally be one of us
Come down...
You may be full of fear
But you'll be safe here
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me
I will let you down
"Andie, why is it you haven't got any friends? I never see you with anyone."
Andromeda looks up from her Transfiguration homework to stare at Bella, who is collapsed over a nearby chair. She goes back to her work. "What do you mean?" she asks.
"I mean, I know you aren't one to cling to someone - you're not in Hufflepuff after all - but you're always working. I haven't seen you have one bit of fun since you came to Hogwarts."
"I'm not always working," says Andromeda. That's a lie, and Bella knows it.
"Come on, Andie, have a bit of fun once in a while. I know you can. You could have lots of people falling at your feet, if only you tried."
But Andromeda doesn't want to have people falling at her feet. She already has half the school scared of her because she's related to Bella. She doesn't want to be like Bella, honestly.
"When you decide you want to do something other than homework, let me know," says Bella. Andromeda hears her stand up and walk away. She doesn't look up until the sound of footsteps is gone. She breathes a sigh of relief. She doesn't often like talking much to Bella anymore.
A Thousand Words - Savage Garden
We stumble in a tangled web,
decaying friendships almost dead
And hide behind a mask of lies
We twist and turn and we avoid,
all hope of salvage now devoid
I see the truth inside your eyes
So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
Time manipulates your heart,
preconceptions torn apart
Begin to doubt my state of mind
But I won't go down on what I said
I won't retract convictions read
I may perplex, but I'm not blind
So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call
you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud
Manipulation. Fabrication.
Conversation. Annihilation
I'll say a thousand words or more
Damnation. Frustration. Elevation.
Procreation
I'll say a thousand words or more
"I don't know how you do it, Andromeda." Ted shakes his head to emphasize his point.
"Do what?" asks Andromeda.
"The way you can stand living with all those other Slytherins all the time."
"In case you've forgotten, Tonks, I am a Slytherin."
"I know. But you're different. I mean, you're don't lie all the time."
"Are you calling Slytherins liars, Tonks?"
"Well, yeah, I suppose I am. In general, anyway. Not you necessarily. I mean..." Ted's face has gone slightly red.
"I wasn't denying it, Tonks."
Ted looks at her, almost wide-eyed. "D'you mean..."
"I know we lie, Tonks. I wasn't born yesterday."
"But don't you ever get tired of it? All the lies and masks and things?"
Andromeda stops and thinks for a moment. Then, quietly, she says, "I don't know any other way to do things. That's just how we live."
They are quiet for a minute. Then Ted asks, "How on Earth do you manage it?"
"Carefully, Tonks," says Andromeda. "Very carefully."
Amaranth - Nightwish
Apart from the wandering pack
In this brief flight of time we reach
For the ones who ever dare
You believe but what you see
You receive but what you give
Caress the one, the Never-Fading
Rain in your heart - the tears of snow-white sorrow
Caress the one, the hiding amaranth
In a land of the daybreak
Ted Tonks's friends know that he watches Andromeda Black all the time during classes. The tease him every now and then, but the rest of the time, they warn him to be careful doing that. They don't know the half of it, he thinks. They don't know just how much he watches her. He prefers to think of it as keeping an eye on her.
He knows how troublesome Slytherins can be. He also knows that she is one of them. But that doesn't mean she is immune to their troubles. Ted takes it upon himself to watch out for her. He happens to think she's brilliant, but it never hurt anyone to have someone watching their back.
The truth is, he doesn't like the people Andromeda's around all the time. He doesn't like the way her sister Bellatrix treats her. He doesn't think the Slytherins really know how to take care of her. He thinks that she's better than that. She's like a flower among weeds. (Of course, she's a flower with several thorns, but that doesn't really matter, anyway.)
He only wishes he could do more. There isn't much he can do all by himself, not for a girl like Andromeda. But he's the only one who will do it. He has to.
As Is - Ani DiFranco
What bugs me is that you believe what you're saying
What bothers me is that you don't know how you feel
What scares me is that while you're telling me stories
You actually believe that they are real
And I got no illusions about you
Guess what I never did
And when I said, when I said I'll take it
I meant, I meant as is
"Is that you talking, or your family?"
"It's me… of course it's me." Her voice is shakier than it ever has been before.
Ted shakes his head. "I don't think so, Andromeda. It's your bloody family, and you know it. They're the ones that told you Muggle-borns are scum, aren't they? And don't deny it; you know I'm right."
Andromeda has no words. Anything she had thought of saying to him disappears as she stands there, watching him. She has always been less cold whenever she is around him, but that's an uncomfortable position to be in. She wants her cold mask back right now. That might this hurt a little bit less.
"Look, Andromeda, you know what I think about you, don't you?" His voice is no longer angry. "I've never cared that you're pureblood or wealthy or important or in Slytherin. My mates think I'm crazy, but I don't care - I probably am crazy. But I happen to think that you're pretty amazing. I like you just the way you are. I like Andromeda just the way she is. Is that so hard to understand?"
Andromeda shakes her head. A faint smile emerges from her lips. She still isn't sure of what to say, so she says the only thing she can think of. "Thank you… Ted." It's the first time she's called him by his first name. He notices and smiles. "Thank you."
Love Song - Sara Bareilles
Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see
"Go out with me, Andromeda?"
She doesn't need to turn around to know who asked that. This is the fifth time in two months that Ted Tonks has asked her to go out with him, and in the exact same words. She responds with the same answer she has given him four times before.
"No, Ted."
"Why not?" he asks, just as always.
"It would never work."
"You know, you say that with a little more hesitation each time," says Ted. He smiles, then turns away and walks in the other direction.
He's right, she thinks. What is she going to do with herself?
The Walk - Imogen Heap
Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.
Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.
It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.
She doesn't want this. It will never work. It will only bring pain and trouble. It will never work. It can never work. She doesn't want this. She can't want this.
So why does she want this?
It was all right when they were friends. It was difficult enough back then. They could talk and laugh, but there was never any real commitment. A relationship requires commitment. She knows it won't work. It's not safe for either of them. It's not a good idea.
So why does she feel like this?
She was just fine before she met him. She was getting along just fine without him. She had a life ready for her, all planned out and ready to go. She didn't need him. She never needed him. She was perfectly fine on her own. She was strong enough on her own.
So why does she need him?
There's only one explanation for all of this: it has to be his fault. He's the one who wanted to be her friend in the first place. He's the one who keeps asking her out. He's the one who wants this so much. It can't be her fault. It's all his fault. She won't fall for it. She doesn't need to fall for it. It will never work.
So why is she agreeing to go out with him?
Waiting for the World to Fall - Jars of Clay
I'm afraid it's been too long to find the reasons why
I let my world fall in around a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland
I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already it might just make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
And all the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to you
When I catch the light of falling stars my view is changing me
My view is changing me
The more time she spends with Ted Tonks, the less Andromeda remembers why she liked things the way they used to be. How could she ever have been content back then? Even now, going back to the common room after spending the day with Ted feels like stepping backward into a world where no one really cares about her. It never occurred to her before that so many of the people around her every day could care less what happens to her.
It's an uncomfortable position, honestly. She used to be able to ignore the way other people acted. It never bothered her before to be alone in the common room all the time. She never needed the attention or affection of anyone... until now.
She never really truly saw the dark of her world until she found out what life could be like. With Ted, there was hope of something better, and all the old things seemed so much more terrible. She can see the world as a good place now - but she isn't there, and she wants to be.
Secret Heart - Feist
Secret heart
What are you made of?
What are you so afraid of?
Could it be three simple words
Or the fear of being overheard?
This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
You're dying to reveal
"You know what I wish, Dromeda?"
"What do you wish, Ted?" She smiles at the nickname he gave her several months ago.
"I wish we didn't have to do this. You know, this whole going out in secret thing."
Andromeda sighs. They have been over this before. Ted wishes they could tell people about their relationship. He has always been the brave one. Sometimes she thinks he should have been in Gryffindor instead of Ravenclaw.
"I know, I know, we can't," Ted says quickly. "I know."
"I'm sorry, Ted," she says. She really is sorry. She wishes she didn't have to hide either, but... it wasn't that easy. She suspects Ted knows it isn't just about her family either, though if not for them, this would all be so much easier.
Part of it is that Andromeda is just afraid of admitting to the rest of the world that she is falling in love with Ted. His blood status doesn't bother her anymore. She just isn't comfortable falling in love with anyone. Those three words, 'I love you,' haven't been said yet on either side. Part of Andromeda wants to, but part of her is afraid to do it.
"Look, don't worry about it, Dromeda," says Ted. "Forget I mentioned anything."
"I love you, Ted."
Ted stares at her. She is shocked at herself. Did those words really come out of her mouth? Did she really just say what she thought she said.
"What?" Ted asks.
Andromeda's throat suddenly feels much dryer. "I said, I love you."
"Really?" Ted asks.
Andromeda nods. "Yes."
Ted is quiet for a moment, then, "I love you, too."
He leans toward her, and before she knows what is happening, he is kissing her. She kisses him back. She is very glad she decided to say something.
That is, until Bellatrix, who was sitting at the back of the room, steps out of the shadows and comes toward them.
Storm - Lifehouse
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
Monday arrives. Andromeda knows the inevitable is about to happen. She watches the owl descend, a red envelope in its beak. She puts on her coldest, most expressionless face - the best of the best for a Black - and waits. The owl comes lower... lower... lower... Ted is watching too, she thinks, but she dares not turn her head. Then, the owl lands. The envelope is in her hands. Carefully, she rips it open, taking deep breaths, prepared for the onslaught.
Her mother's voice fills the Great Hall, and quite possibly the rest of Hogwarts as well. But Andromeda can hardly hear it. She hears selected words, "Mudblood" and "how dare you!" and "disgrace." She distances herself from the sound, refusing to acknowledge that it exists at all. Meanwhile, it pounds into her head. She may not hear, but as it continues, she knows every word that was said.
She dares not look at Ted. She focuses her gaze straight ahead. Her face is as cold as ever, but inside, she wants to scream. All she wants is to look at him. If only she could look at him, everything would be all right. She wants to look at him so desperately, but she cannot.
As suddenly as it began, the sound ceases to exist. It is replaced by complete silence. Andromeda does not move - she cannot move. A few moments later, she stands up from her seat. Without looking at anyone, and in her most regal posture, she leaves the hall. She must find a place to cry, or she will burst.
She chides herself. A year ago, she would not have needed to cry. She used to be better at this, she realizes. Much better.
Fallen - Sarah McLachlan
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
The students from all the other houses have always avoided coming into contact with Andromeda; they know who her family is, and they know it's best to leave her be if they don't want to be in any trouble. But now, the whole school knows her secret, and even the Slytherins are side-stepping her. They don't want to get mixed up with a blood-traitor. Where once they pretended to be her friends, they now prove that all they ever cared about was getting ahead.
Even Narcissa seems to be avoiding Andromeda. True, she never spent much time with Andromeda before, but now, whenever Andromeda needs her, she seems to disappear. She's afraid, Andromeda knows, of being lumped under the same category as her sister. Her parents are desperately trying to keep a firm hold on Narcissa, and she certainly doesn't want to lose her friends, not when she still has several years of school left to go. But it hurts to see Cissa turn her head away whenever Andromeda comes near, as though she doesn't know her.
She tries to remember that these people - except for Cissa, of course - were never really her friends; they just pretended to be. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. She cries softly to herself one night, after everyone in her dorm room is asleep. She doesn't want to care what they think - she doesn't care, really - but she can't stop the pain that fills her inside.
A Dangerous Mind - Within Temptation
I'm searching for answers
Not questioned before.
The curse of awareness,
There's no peace of mind.
As your true colors show
A dangerous sign.
It's in your eyes, what's on your mind.
I see the truth that you've buried inside.
It's in your eyes, what's on your mind.
There is no mercy, just anger I find.
I just have to know, while I still have time.
Do I have to run, or hide away from you?
She hasn't left her room all summer, except when absolutely necessary. Someone shouts at her at least once every few days, if not more often. Her father refuses to even come into her room. Her mother only comes in to yell. Bellatrix comes in to yell or tease or scorn or taunt, and she does that frequently. Narcissa only comes in when she needs help with her homework; she's too afraid to ask Mother or Father or Bella.
Visitors haven't come to the Black house this summer. Andromeda doesn't blame them. It's dangerous territory these days. Everyone is on edge, ready to burst at the slightest provocation. Anger and frustration are in everyone's eyes all the time. In the Black family, you can't always tell what someone is thinking by their face, but you can always tell by their eyes. (Andromeda hasn't told anyone that Ted can read her thoughts through her eyes; she knows what an upset that will cause.)
She isn't exactly sure why she came home at all this summer. She could have found somewhere else to stay. She was sure Ted's folks would put her up if she asked, and there had to be someone out there who would be willing to take her in for the summer. But she had made up her mind to come home. She thinks that it's best this way, anyway. Her mother and father and sister need a chance to shout at her to their heart's content, or they'll find other ways of getting to her - more painful ways, at that. She can stand shouting. She doesn't bother listening to what they're saying when they shout. Besides, this way, she is the only one being directly targeted. If she ran off somewhere, her parents would find her, and someone else would be in trouble as well.
But it isn't easy. She can't wait for school to begin again. It will be a little bit easier there. She hopes Narcissa will be reconciled to her a little once they have gone back to Hogwarts - Cissa is the only one who hasn't yelled at her once. And there, she'll have Ted again, the reason for this whole mess. And next summer, she'll be done with school, and she'll be able to get away from this mess forever.
Tomorrow - SR-71
I never thought they'd want me to go even faster
I never thought I took my foot off the gas
Everybody loves to be in on the pressure
But I know they're all waiting for the crash
You never dreamed you had to live your life so guarded
Cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded
Things have changed you've become a complication
You can't make it through another day's humiliation
Everyone seems to have gotten over their fear over the summer, or so Andromeda thinks. They aren't afraid to laugh at her now, where they didn't want anything to do with her last term. They probably got their courage from their parents. They probably heard too much about her over the summer.
They taunt her on a daily basis. She knows what they want. They want her to crash and burn. They're waiting for it. They want to see her go down like the blood traitor that she is. She knows more than they think she knows.
She refuses to let them in. She has to be even better at putting up her guard nowadays. The art of maintaining an expressionless face because her area of expertise. She never listens to what they say. But they continue to say it anyway. They want her to fail. They want her to fall.
Somehow, she has to stay afloat. Somehow, she has to make it through. She can't afford to do otherwise.
Reflection - Christina Aguilera
I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
Andromeda sometimes feels like her heart is becoming soft way too fast. She has never believed that a heart should be this soft. Wearing one's heart on one's sleeve is a sign of weakness - everyone knows that. For all their talk, the Gryffindors wear their hearts on their sleeves, which is why Slytherins are so good at overpowering them. It isn't just hiding feelings; sometimes, it's not feeling anything at all.
But now Andromeda is feeling something. Something so deep and wonderful that she no longer wants to hide it. The trouble is, she's still living in a world that requires hiding and pretending. As long as she dwells here, she must conform to the standards of that world, as much as she is able (though, as she notices, she already broke the rules when she started associating herself with Ted).
One day, she is surprised to learn that Ted isn't the only person in the world who is willing to look at Andromeda as just Andromeda, and nothing more. She never knew how accepting some of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs would be. She has never given them more than a second glance, especially in the case of the Hufflepuffs. Once they get over their fear that she will eat them alive, they treat her quite nicely, almost as though she's one of them. It feels good. It feels right. Maybe this is the kind of world she's meant to belong to.
Gravity - Vienna Teng
Hey love
Is that the name you're meant to have
For me to call
But don't you believe them
Don't you drink their poison too
These are the scars that words have carved
On me
She isn't the only target of the scorn of the masses. Sometimes she almost forgets that, and she hates herself for it. She doesn't know how she could possibly forget it. It cuts her like a knife whenever she sees them tormenting Ted. She wants to think she can do nothing about it, but that isn't the truth. He wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for her.
She confronts him one day after they leave. He looks as strong as ever, but she knows that face too well: it's the same one she puts on whenever they attack her. She puts her hand on his shoulder. She whispers in his ear. She tells him not to listen to them. She tells him that their words are nothing more than spite. She tells him that she loves him. It doesn't matter what they think.
She is surprised by herself. She never expected to be the one to comfort him. Yet she does. She is used to this by now, and she won't let them get to him, not if she can help it.
Good Enough - Lifehouse
What do I have to do
To try to make you see
That this is who I am
And it's all that I can be?
What do I have to do
To try to make you see
Trying to be like you
Isn't good enough for me?
I won't let you go
I won't let you down
I won't give you up
Don't you give up on me now
"Andie, why are you doing this?"
"What, Cissa?"
"All this nonsense with the Mudblood and such."
Andromeda's face goes white. "Don't call him a Mudblood!"
"Sorry!" says Cissa, though Andromeda doubts she really means it. "I'm just saying, wouldn't it be easier just to stop going out with him? I'm sure Mother and Father will forgive you if you convince them it was just a fling."
Andromeda knows Cissa is right - it would be easier, at least in one respect. But... "I can't do that, Cissa. You know I can't. That would be like asking me to stop breathing because Mother and Father think it would be best."
"But..."
"Don't take their side, Cissa, please? You're the only one who really listens to me. Don't be like them."
But Narcissa is still young, when the influences of Mother and Father are still strong. Andromeda tries her best to convince Cissa to take her side, but she knew what the outcome would be before even starting: she is destined to be ultimately unsuccessful.
Numb - Linkin Park
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Andromeda knew she couldn't avoid going home again, even if only for a very brief amount of time. This time, though, she feels much more prepared. She has made up her mind as to what she is going to do, and nothing they say will change that. Last summer, she hid up in her room while they yelled at her. This year, she yells right back. She isn't going to sit around and take it while they scream at her. She is tired of the way they try to control everything she does.
She is certainly glad Ted isn't here to watch this. She knows how horrible he would feel if he knew what kinds of words fly through the house these days. But she has been holding these feelings inside for far too long. Even Ted has no idea just how angry she really is. She has told him some of it, but some didn't appear until she started yelling.
They call themselves her family, yet all they do is try to make her what they want her to be. What sort of family does that? One who isn't really a family, she decides. If they aren't really a family, she has all the right to yell. She screams at Mother and Father and Bella. She doesn't scream at Cissa. She has other ways of dealing with Cissa. But Mother and Father and Bella require harsh words. Even those don't bother them much. But she will speak her mind, whether they want to hear or not. She will not leave without saying what she needs to say.
White Flag - Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
"Maybe this isn't such a good idea, Dromeda."
Andromeda can't believe she's hearing this. They are both anxious, nervous, scared even. But Andromeda has never had reason to doubt Ted's devotion before. Why is he saying this now?
"What are you talking about?"
"It's not worth it, you losing everything like this. I don't want you to."
"If I lose everything, it's my problem, not yours."
"Of course it's my problem! I'm the reason you're in this mess!"
Andromeda shakes her head. Maybe he's right, a little bit. But not really.
"I got myself into this mess, Ted. I'm the one who fell in love with a Muggle-born. You never did anything wrong."
"I...I just don't want you to get hurt, Dromeda."
"I'll be more hurt if I have to go back to them, honestly. I'd much rather have you. You forget - I love you. And I always will."
Anywhere - Evanescence
I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there
We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name
These days, Andromeda lives for the moments when she can leave the house and find herself in Ted's arms again. His parents are glad to let her visit during the evenings. Dinnertime is always pleasant, but even better are the hours after dinner, when she and Ted can sit out under the stars, alone together for a little while.
"Ted?" she says one night. His arms are wrapped around her.
"Hmmm?"
"I think we should get away from here, from all of this?"
"You don't like my parents?"
"No, they're wonderful. I just mean... I think there's a place somewhere for both of us, somewhere where we can be together all the time, where I don't have to wait until the evenings to be happy again."
Ted looks down into her eyes. "I imagine there's a place like that somewhere."
"I think we should find it, Ted."
Ted looks thoughtful. "I suppose. But, you know, I think I have to ask you something first."
"What's that?"
"Will you marry me, Andromeda?"
Andromeda eyes widen in surprise, but her mouth curves upward in a smile. She did not expect that. She has thought about marrying Ted, of course, but she never expected him to ask her in such a simple, casual way. She wonders briefly how bright her eyes have gotten.
"Yes," she says, nodding her head. "Of course I will."
"Good," says Teds simply, then he leans down to kiss her. They sit locked in an embrace for a moment, then Ted pulls away. "I'll see to getting you a ring when we go inside." Then he kisses her again, and she drowns in him.
Missing - Evanescence
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
She had known what to expect when she came back to the house with a ring on her finger. They nearly took her head off. She ignored them, the bliss of the evening still stuck in her head. She had been unwilling to let them spoil anything.
That night, she had begun to prepare for leaving for good. She had begun to pack up her trunk full of everything that rightfully belonged to her, of everything she will be taking with her. She will not be coming back.
Now, she sits on her bed for the last time. She looks around the room that has belonged to her for eighteen years. Both good and bad memories fill her head. Tears nearly fill her eyes. Her eyes fall on the trunk by the door. Soon, she and the trunk will leave this place, never to return. A tear finds its way out of her eye and down her cheek. She wants to leave, yet the finality of it overwhelms her.
She hears a knock at the door, and Cissa's voice. She barely hears herself tell Cissa to come in. She thinks she hears the door open. She thinks she hears someone approach her slowly.
"Andie?" Cissa asks, faintly. "Are you really leaving? For good?"
Andromeda's head nods, but she barely notices.
"Why?"
"I have to, Cissa," she hears herself say. "I have to."
She thinks she sees tears forming in Cissa's eyes. She can hardly think.
"I - I don't want you to go, Andie. Please, don't marry the Mudblood. Stay here with me, please. I need you."
One of Cissa's words rings loud and clear in Andromeda's mind. She finds herself on her feet suddenly, and angry. "Don't you dare call him that! Don't ever call Ted a Mudblood again, do you hear me? Not ever!"
She doesn't think she can sit back down on the bed again, now that she has stood up. She notices the tears flowing out of Cissa's eyes now. The girl is cowering away from the wrath that came from her older sister.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "I won't do it again, I promise. Only, please don't go, Andie. Please don't go."
"I have to, Cissa," Andromeda hears herself say. "I have to. I'm sorry."
She grabs the trunk and begins to leave the room. Her head turns around once to look one last time at Narcissa. Then she disappears out of the room and hurries down the stairs. The time has come for her to leave.
The Steward of Gondor - Billy Boyd
Home is behind
The world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadow,
To the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight
Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
All shall...fade
Andromeda is standing in the front yard of a small house in the middle of a Muggle village. She finds herself staring up at the stars. Everything is quiet, except for the occasional noise from one of her new neighbors' houses. But she hears nothing. She is silent. The night is silent.
Tonight is the first night she lives as an independent woman, finally free from the social structure that always entangled her and wanted to trap her for life. A few weeks ago, she was living with her parents. Tonight, she lives here, in the home that she and Ted bought. It isn't their first night together; they were married last week. She looks down at the ring on her left hand and smiles.
Strange, isn't it, how being free at last can feel both liberating and complicated at the same time?
She has left her old home behind and come to a new home. But with that new home comes the worries of the future. The path ahead of her will not be easy - this she knows too well. But when has her path ever been easy? She is glad to be here, but she can't help but wonder what is going to happen to her, both the good and the bad. She no longer has the road mapped out for her. The choice, the road, the path is up to her now. And in a way, it scares her.
Everything Changes - Staind
If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?
I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you I suppose
'Cuz the wounds never heal
Andromeda cries after their first argument as a married couple. She knows she should not be crying - fights happen all the time with married couples, and this isn't really their first argument - but she does anyway. It was an insignificant argument, she knows. She doesn't think it was really the argument that got to her. Somehow, she half expected things to be perfect once she was away from the family that abandoned her. But it isn't, she realizes, and the reality comes crashing down on her like a ton of bricks.
Ted finds her a few minutes later. She lets him approach, and he throws his arms around her to comfort her. He whispers a few words of apology, but she barely hears. She isn't angry about whatever it was they were arguing about in the first place. She isn't angry at all, really.
"You'll have to forgive me," Ted says. "You married someone who isn't nearly good enough for you. He doesn't have a chance of ever taking care of you the way he should."
She manages a weak smile, then throws her own arms around Ted in a hug.
"I'm sorry," she mutters. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it, Dromeda," says Ted. "You've had a rough time of it - we both have. It's okay to cry."
She does, but this time, she does it in Ted's arms. She knows married life isn't going to be perfect - not in the least - but at least she's got Ted to help her when she feels down like this.
Not Alone - Patty Griffin
She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight
The only thing touching him is a crack of light
Pieces of her hair are wrapped around and 'round his fingers
And he reaches for her side, for any sign of her that lingers
And she says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight
One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein
There were people running, a flash of light
Then everything changed
Nothing really matters in the end you know
All the worries sever
Don't be afraid for me, my friend, one day we all fall down forever
They hear the news get worse every day. People disappearing, mysterious deaths, unnatural disasters, and the like. They hear the rumors about who is involved, who is causing it all. Neither of them admits it, but they are quite sure they know the truth. She, especially, will not say a word on the subject. She knows one of them a bit too well for her liking.
He asks her about it one night as they are getting ready for bed. He is worried for her safety. They both know that the ones causing all this trouble will come after her - them - without any hesitation, if they get the opportunity. She tells him that it doesn't matter. Someday, everyone dies. If it's sooner rather than later, it won't matter, as long as they go together. He isn't sure how to answer, so he doesn't.
She climbs into bed after he does. She takes a moment to watch him as he lies there. Light from the window lies across him. She smiles and climbs in beside him. He rolls over to face her. As she reaches to take his hand, his other hand moves through her hair. He whispers a faint "I love you," and pulls her closer. They lie like that for a while, until they are both asleep.
Now Three - Vienna Teng
City fast asleep.
Lights hum in the gray,
Like her breathing will someday.
Strangest beauty cries,
one and one, by and by,
now three of us here lie.
Love, love, love for one so small,
come fill me up, up, up 'til I can't see at all.
I want to be blind, only my hands to guide me.
Gather all the world inside me.
"Is she sleeping?" Ted asks, climbing in bed beside Andromeda.
Andromeda doesn't answer. She is too busy watching her newborn baby girl, Nymphadora. She is fast asleep in her mother's arms. Her hair has turned blonde in the last hour.
Ted leans over and watches the baby too. He puts his arm around Andromeda.
"She's perfect," he whispers. "Just like her mother."
Normally, Andromeda would have something to say about that, but she says nothing. She is entranced by the little one in her arms. She cannot believe that she is holding this tiny breath of new life, this little baby girl. She has cried with joy a thousand times already, and she thinks she feels tears welling up in her again. She can barely see, but she feels Nymphadora's tiny heart beating. She doesn't need to see to feel Ted's arms surrounding her as her own arms surround her child.
"Come on, you better get some rest, Dromeda," says Ted. "She'll be up in a few hours looking for food. Sleep while you can."
Andromeda can only nod. Ted lies back on his pillow, and Andromeda lies back into his arms. She can't let go of her baby, not yet. She can't imagine how she could ever let her go. There can't be a more perfect world than this - just her and Ted and little Nymphadora.
All These Lives - Daughtry
Posters hung on building walls
Of missing faces.
Months go by without the cause,
The clues, or traces.
They're gonna find you, just believe.
You're not a person; you're a disease.
All these lives that you've been taking,
Deep inside, my heart is breaking.
Broken homes from separation.
Don't you know it's violation?
It's so wrong, but you'll see.
Never gonna let you take my world from me.
The world outside these walls may know you're breathing,
But you ain't comin' in.
"Mummy, this lady says she knows who I am. She says she knows you."
Andromeda is too busy staring at the woman Nymphadora is talking about to listen to her five-year-old daughter. She and Ted don't bring Nymphadora to Diagon Alley often - it's too dangerous during these treacherous times. But they came today. That, Andromeda decides, was a bad idea.
"Such an adorable little brat," says Bellatrix. "You wouldn't have any idea she's the freak offspring of a Mudblood and his whore."
"Mummy..."
Andromeda quickly turns to Nymphadora, cutting off her words. "Nymphadora, go find Daddy - he's back in the robes shop. Tell him that Mummy met Bella, and that she wants him to take you home right now."
"But..."
"Right now, Nymphadora."
"Yes, Mummy."
She hurries off down the street toward Madam Malkin's. Andromeda waits for her to disappear from view before turning back to Bellatrix. She shoves her hands inside her robes and pulls out her wand as she advances on her sister.
"How dare you?" she says as angrily as she can without shouting. "You can call me whatever you like - I can't stop you - but you have no right to talk like that in front of my daughter." Her wand is pointed straight at Bellatrix.
Bellatrix simply laughs, as though Andromeda's threats mean nothing. "I can say whatever I like, whenever I like, Andie. Mudbloods and their whores and their half-blood freak brats mean nothing to me."
Andromeda is about to retaliate when a nearby shop-keeper hurries out to come between them. She realizes that the whole street is watching her as she confronts Bellatrix. But she doesn't care; she's too angry to care. The shop-keeper says something about fighting in a public area, but Andromeda hardly hears the words. She is too focused on the woman in front of her.
She backs away, keeping her eyes on Bellatrix. She slowly lowers her wand and tucks it back inside her robes.
"Stay away from my family, Bellatrix. I won't let you take them from me." She turns away as Bellatrix's grin only widens.
Bubbly - Colbie Caillat
I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place
And it starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Andromeda sits in a chair on the porch, watching Ted and Nymphadora run around in the backyard. Nymphadora is squealing with delight as Ted chases her. Every now and then, he catches her and swings her up into the air, which leads to even bigger squeals of delight. Her hair had been blonde at the start, but continued to change colors every few minutes, the way it did whenever she was this happy.
Ted is nearly as silly as Nymphadora today. Andromeda believes that Nymphadora got so much of her energy from her father. He certainly knows how to play with her. He runs around as though he were a child again. He looks up at his wife every once in a while and gives her a wink. Whenever this happens, she blushes slightly, but she smiles back at him.
Suddenly, right after winking toward Andromeda, Ted turns to Nymphadora and says, "Dora, why don't we get Mummy? I think she'd like to play."
It hurts Andromeda a little when Nymphadora says, "She won't, Daddy."
"Oh, come on, Dora," says Ted. He looks back at Andromeda. "Let's get her."
Nymphadora changes her mind quickly. Before Andromeda can say or do anything, they are upon her. Ted scoops Andromeda up out of the chair and carries her down to the lawn while Nymphadora pulls on her arm. Andromeda tries to fight back, but she can do nothing. She is suddenly lying in the middle of the backyard, her husband and daughter on top of her.
"Got you, Mummy!" Nymphadora shouts.
Andromeda stares up at Ted, giving him a look of pretend anger. "I'll get you for that, Ted Tonks," she says.
"If you can catch me," Ted says with a wink. He touches Andromeda's nose, then jumps up and begins to run. Nymphadora squeals with laughter. Andromeda pushes herself off the ground and begins to run after them. She doesn't know how long they play, and it no longer matters to her.
In My Arms - Plumb
Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curley cues
Your contageous smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage and
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles, they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
'Cause I will always, always love you
She cannot believe that eleven years could have gone by so fast. Suddenly, Andromeda finds herself standing on Platform Nine and Three-Quarters again, but this time, it is Nymphadora's turn to board the Hogwarts Express. She is dressed in her new Hogwarts robes, and her hair is blonde for the occasion (she simply refuses to wear brown, though it is her natural color).
She looks around at the other parents on the platform. She spots the Weasley family, with all their many children. She wonders how many of the Weasley children will be in school this year. But she doesn't think she recognizes anyone else. Suddenly, she feels even more worried than she has for the past few months.
Nymphadora dashes back to Andromeda and Ted to say good-bye before boarding the train. "I'll write tomorrow, I promise, and at least once a week after that."
"Of course you will," says Ted. "I don't think your mother will let you get away with anything less." He winks at Andromeda, but she isn't amused.
"Be careful, dear," says Andromeda. "Try not to get in too much trouble."
"She'll be fine, Dromeda," says Ted, just as Nymphadora says, "I'll be fine, Mum."
Andromeda shakes her head in exasperation at both of them. "I don't know what I'm going to do with you two," she says.
Suddenly, the whistle blows, and the train begins to shift. Nymphadora nearly jumps out of her skin. "I'd better go," she shouts over the noise. "I love you!" She gives them each a very quick hug, then darts off toward the train, just making it before it begins to pull away.
Andromeda watches silently as the train disappears around the corner and out of sight. Ted's arm is wrapped around her shoulders. She almost feels tears welling up in her eyes. Nymphadora grew up too fast. And she doesn't think it's going to slow down now.
I'll Be Your Mirror - Velvet Underground
I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home
I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty you are
But if you don't, let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you
"Dromeda? Andromeda? Are you in here?"
She doesn't answer. Ted enters and finds her sitting on the bed. Tears are welled up in her eyes. She doesn't speak. He sits down beside her and puts his arm around her.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" He waits for her answer, but she gives none. "Is it about Dora?"
Suddenly Andromeda bursts. "What am I going to do, Ted?" she cries, almost screaming. "She hates me, I know she does. I've become my mother... she hates me, Ted."
"She does not hate you, Dromeda," says Ted, cutting off his wife's ramblings. "And you most certainly are not your mother."
"But I'm becoming like her, Ted. That's why Nymphadora doesn't like me."
Ted puts his arms around Andromeda and cradles her for a few moments. "Don't put ideas like that into your head, Dromeda," he whispers. "Dora loves you - you know that, don't you? Sure, sometimes she gets a bit upset at you, but that's natural, sweetheart. Children don't always like their parents much, especially when they're teenagers, but Dora loves you very, very much. Just like I do," he finishes, looking her straight in the eyes.
Andromeda sobs diminish, though the tears are still left on her face. "I just... I just can't bear the thought of Nymphadora getting hurt, Ted."
"I know," he says. "And that alone proves that you're not your mother. She didn't care much about you getting hurt, did she?"
Andromeda doesn't answer right away. Finally, she shakes her head. "I suppose not."
Then silence falls between them. They sit for a while like that. There will be time to talk to Nymphadora later.
Daughter - Vienna Teng
Did you know you're so beautiful
On the edge of summer
That years from now
I'll cry to remember
How very close you were
Knowing this will I reach for you
Knowing this will I reach for you
The way you want me to
"Mum, what do you think?"
Andromeda glances up from the Daily Prophet. Nymphadora is standing in the doorway to the kitchen, all dressed up in her brand-new Auror robes. Andromeda studies her daughter up and down. When did she get so grown up?
"It's very nice, dear," she answers. She isn't sure she has any other words to say. Wasn't it just yesterday she was wearing robes much smaller than that, and filled with rips and tears and holes?
"I start work tomorrow, and not as a trainee, either," says Nymphadora, grinning proudly.
"That's wonderful, darling," says Andromeda. Work? She's still too young for work, isn't she? Shouldn't she still be wanting to play all day?
"Dad reckons I'll tear a hole in these before the end of the week," says Nymphadora. "But I'm going to prove him wrong. I want these to stay nice, if I can, that is."
"I'm sure you can stay upright for an entire week," says Andromeda. Although, I don't think she ever has done that before.
Nymphadora doesn't say anything for a moment. Then, with a much less proud look, she asks, "Mum, are you all right? I know you still don't like the idea of me being an Auror, but I thought you'd be proud of me."
Guilt fills Andromeda suddenly as she stares at Nymphadora. She swallows, then says, "I am, dear. I've always been proud of you." She pauses. "I just can't believe you're so grown up already." My little baby girl, all dressed up and ready to be an Auror, of all things.
Nymphadora smiles. "Well, if it's just that, then I've no reason to be worried about you. Dad's suffering from the same symptoms."
Andromeda smiles. "I suppose he is, at that." I think time moves too fast for both of us. When will it decide to slow down?
Listen to Your Heart - D.H.T.
I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.
Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.
"I don't know what to do, Mum. He won't listen to a word I say; he's too worried about everything for his own good."
Andromeda isn't entirely sure of what to say. She still can't believe that Nymphadora is here, asking her for advice about Remus Lupin. Nymphadora hasn't purposefully asked her for advice in years; that's usually Ted's job, if Nymphadora asks at all.
Perhaps the hardest part for Andromeda is knowing that, now that Nymphadora is willing trust her mother enough to ask for help, her mother can't give it. Andromeda doesn't know what to say to Nymphadora. In some ways, they share similar situations (the choice they share in less than socially acceptable men, for instance), but Nymphadora's love life is hardly anything like Andromeda's. Just as difficult, perhaps, but for completely different reasons. Andromeda had to put up with a less than willing family; Nymphadora has to deal with a less than willing man.
Finally, she forces herself to say something. "I... I'm not sure what to say, darling. I suppose... the only advice I can give you is to follow your heart. That's what I had to do, and it worked out all right for me. Maybe that's all you have to do, too."
Nymphadora doesn't look completely reassured, but Andromeda has never fully supported Nymphadora's choice before, so perhaps this is a bit of a relief.
"Thanks, Mum," says Nymphadora. "I'll do my best."
"I know you will," says Andromeda. "You always will."
Penelope's Song - Loreena McKennitt
Now that the time has come
Soon gone is the day
There upon some distant shore
You'll hear me say
Long as the day in the summer time
Deep as the wine dark sea
I'll keep your heart with mine
Till you come to me
The house feels empty after Ted leaves, even though it is full of people. Andromeda fills her days with taking care of Nymphadora, despite Nymphadora's constant protests. She tries not to think of how angry she is that Ted would leave them now. How dare he run away? His daughter is pregnant, for Merlin's sake. She pushes those thoughts away, but they keep coming.
Nymphadora continues to grow larger and larger. Andromeda tries not to show how worried she is becoming, though she suspects it comes out in how much work she tries to accomplish every day. Even Remus comments to her one day that the kitchen can only be cleaned so many times. She doesn't listen, though. Cleaning takes her mind off of things, the way it always has, and she has a lot of get off her mind.
During the day, she can avoid the gap in her life where Ted used to fit. She busies herself with her chores and her daughter. She tries to find ways to be happy. But she never laughs. She never smiles. She never feels the joy that she seeks. She is too busy trying not to be sad to be happy.
At night, she tries to fall asleep before the thoughts come. But they always come. No man lies on the other side of the bed. Ted is not here beside her. And though she never says it out loud, she knows that he will not be coming home. He told her a thousand times before leaving that he was running away where they won't find him. He told her that he will come home when all this is over. But Andromeda knows; he will not be coming home.
And the hole in her heart grows larger each day that he is not here by her side. There is only one way for it to be repaired, and deep in her heart, she knows it will never heal. She can only cling to the hope that somewhere, somehow, he is still alive, thinking of her. It is a faint and fading hope.
Memories - Within Temptation
Together in all these memories,
I see your smile.
All of the memories I hold dear.
Darling you know I'll love you,
Til the end of time.
All of my memories keep you near
In silent moments,
Imagining you here.
All of my memories keep you near,
In silent whispers, silent tears.
Andromeda already knows the new that he brings when Remus brings Kingsley Shacklebolt to the house with him. Remus tends to Nymphadora, who bursts into tears the moment she hears. Kingsley is there for Andromeda, but she does not faint. At first, she does not cry. Her mind and heart are frozen in place. It is terrible news, the worst sort, but it is not truly a shock. She has known all along. But it does not make it easier. Kingsley carries her up to bed that night. She cannot move, cannot think, can hardly breathe. She is frozen. All life stops. She does not know how she wakes up the next morning.
Kingsley is the one to deliver the news at the end of May. This time, shock overwhelms her. She does not faint. She does not burst into tears. But her heart and mind are frozen in place. After a moment, she begins to scream. The tears flow freely from the ducts that have been used too much in the last months. She screams and screams until she can do no more. Her mind and heart seem to work no longer. After a while, she hardly comprehends why she screams. She cannot move, cannot think, can hardly breathe. She hardly knows who she is or why she screams. She simply screams. Kingsley carries her up to bed, somehow. She is frozen. All life stops. She does not know how she wakes up the next morning. She almost does not. But a baby's screams wake her.
As the time rolls by, Andromeda's mind begins to work again. She begins to think she only lives because of Teddy. Her only purpose in life seems to be taking care of this child that fate has given her. But it is not easy. His hair changes often, and thoughts come back to her of Nymphadora. When his hair turns blonde, she thinks of Ted. She even thinks of Remus sometimes, the way the boy seems to laugh when he is being troublesome. She does not know how she continues to live when all these memories flood her all the time. But her breathing continues, and her heart doesn't stop beating. She takes care of Teddy day in and day out, the rest of her life a blur.
They haunt her day and night, when she is awake and when she sleeps. She longs to be free from it, but at the same time, the memories are all she has left of them, except for the baby she lives for. She clings to those memories. They are the only reminder that she has a mind left at all.
Exile - Kate Rusby & Kathryn Roberts
When the thunder breaks the empty sky
I shall be there
No one to hold you when the storm birds fly
Is there no one left to care?
I want to tear down these walls between us
And I can't make it alone
A million spaces in the earth to fill
And here's a generation waiting still
We've got year after year to kill
But there's no going home
Andromeda stares at Narcissa, standing in the doorway. She had not expected to see Narcissa again, not after all of this. Any other person would not be able to read Narcissa's face, but to Andromeda, it is very clear. Sadness, guilt, and shame fill Narcissa's pretty face. In some deep cavern of her heart, Andromeda feels sadness for her sister. But it feels like a very deep cavern.
"I don't expect you to forgive me, Andie," says Narcissa. "But I had to see you. I haven't seen you since... since the night you left." Her voice catches as she speaks. Andromeda remembers the tears on Narcissa's face the night she left. She remembers how Narcissa had pleaded with her not to go. But why didn't Narcissa try to see her after that? What happened?
"I also wanted to tell you that... that I kept my promise," Narcissa continues.
"What promise?" Andromeda asks. She doesn't remember any promise Narcissa ever made.
"You told me not to call Ted a - a - Mudblood." She says the word with an obvious reluctance, as though she really does not want to say it. "I promised I wouldn't. And I haven't. I haven't called anyone... that word, except for once, a long time ago. But..." she breaks off for a moment. Andromeda is staring at her in disbelief. "I heard your voice when I said it," Narcissa continues. "I heard you screaming at me. I couldn't do it after that. No one ever noticed. I just stopped talking about them altogether. Even Lucius has never heard me say it."
Andromeda is speechless. She cannot imagine how Narcissa could ever have done that.
"Listen, I'll go, if you want," says Narcissa. "I just... I should never have given up on you. I loved you so much. I was a horrible sister, and... I know I can't make it up to you, but... I don't want to give up on you again, Andie. I never even knew your daughter..." she trails off. Andromeda thinks she sees tears in Narcissa's eyes.
"No, you didn't," says Andromeda. She cannot understand why she can speak so calmly after being reminded of Nymphadora, but her voice is firm and calm. "You didn't try to know her."
"And now she has a baby," Narcissa says quietly. "Or, so I heard." She looks ashamed of that.
"A son," says Andromeda. "Teddy Lupin. Named after my husband, the reason you all gave up on me." She still cannot understand why her voice is so calm.
They are both silent for a moment. Somewhere, deep down in that cavern, Andromeda wants to reach out and embrace her sister, but that cavern is still buried very deeply. Still, she knows how hard it must have been for Narcissa to decide to come here.
"Perhaps today is not a good day to talk," she says at last. "Perhaps we can meet another day... Cissa." Narcissa's head perks up at the sound of the nickname. "It would be good for Teddy to have another relative, perhaps."
Narcissa manages a very faint trace of a smile. "Another day, then." She turns around and walks back down the drive. She disappears down the street.
Andromeda sighs and shuts the door. She thinks that the deep cavern in her heart may just have risen a few meters.
Lullabye For a Stormy Night - Vienna Teng
Little child, be not afraid
The rain pounds harsh against the glass
Like an unwanted stranger
There is no danger
I am here tonight
And these years have shown
Rain's a part of how life goes
But it's dark and it's late
So I'll hold you and wait
'til your frightened eyes do close
And I hope that you'll know
That nature is so
This same rain that draws you near me
Falls on rivers and land
And forests and sand
Makes the beautiful world that you see
In the morning
Everything's fine in the morning
The rain will be gone in the morning
But I'll still be here in the morning
Andromeda is awoken by Teddy's screams. She is not surprised. Outside the house, a storm rages. Lightning flashes frequently, always followed by loud cracks of thunder. The rain pounds against the side of the house. She is not afraid of the storm, but Teddy must be. She hurries to his room and opens the door. She finds him in buried under his blankets, too afraid to even come and find her.
She sits down on the bed beside him. He moves his blankets enough to see who it is. There is fear in his eyes. When he realizes who it is, he grabs her and clings to her with all his might. His face is stained with tears.
"What's happening, Gramma?" he manages to say through all the tears. "I'm scared!"
Andromeda cradles Teddy in her arms. "It's only a storm, Teddy," she whispers. "There's nothing to be afraid of."
Teddy shakes his head frantically. "I'm scared, Gramma," he says.
"Do you want me to sing you a song so that you can go back to sleep?" Andromeda asks after a minute or two of silence. "I know I song that used to help your Mummy sleep."
Teddy looks up at her. He wipes his nose with his hand and nods. "Ok," he says.
It takes Andromeda a minute to remember the song, but soon, she begins singing. She sings of rain pounding on the windows, of branches turning to hands, of the morning. She sings to remind Teddy that she is always here for him.
But as she sings, her own eyes soon begins to fill with tears. Her mind is filled with images of a scared little girl crying out for her mother in the middle of a storm. Those were the only times when even Daddy could not comfort her. She wanted her Mummy to hold her tight and sing the "storm song." That little girl should be here now to comfort her little boy. Only a mother could do it best.
"I like that song," says Teddy quietly when she finishes. His tears are vanishing, and the fear is gone from his eyes. He yawns. "Did Mummy like it too?"
Andromeda nods. "She did."
"Why're you crying, Gramma?" Teddy asks. "You don't have to be scared. I'm here with you. You don't have to be scared."
A faint smile lightens Andromeda's face. "I know, Teddy," she says. "I'm glad you're here with me."
That is the simple truth. She cradles Teddy for a while more, until he falls asleep. She tucks him back under his blankets and kisses him on the forehead. The storm still rages outside. A storm still rages inside Andromeda. But at least Teddy is here. She cannot see the morning coming, but he will be here with her through the storm. He will help her until she reaches the morning at last.