Disclaimer: Kubo Tite-sensei owns Bleach. NBC owns "The Office". I receive no monetary benefit from this work.

Author's Notes: This idea. Ate. My brain! xD Anyways. This is the first in a series of oneshots in which the Gotei 13 star in parodies of episodes of "The Office". For when I loose my train of thought on another story and/or get bored out of my mind. First up: "Office Olympics". And yes, for literary purposes, I may have screwed up the plot of this episode just a tad. Please read and review!

It was early morning in seireitei- in fact, the sky was just beginning to turn grey with the dawn.

"I'm an early bird," Ichimaru explained, "but, I'm also a night owl. So... I'm wise... an', I have worms."

Kira Izuru entered the Third Division office, holding a bag.

"Sir!" he cried to his taichou.

Ichimaru Gin smiled at his fukutaichou. "Ne, Izuru, didja bring my...?"

"Breakfast? Yes, here!" Izuru put the bag on his taichou's desk. "Now, sir, what did you want me to come in early for...?"

Ichimaru looked up. "Oh, yeah! Ano... my breakfast."

Kira's face fell.

"So... you've got the whole office to yerself... run around with yer pants off or somethin'... whatever you wanna do."

"Ano, if it's alright with you, taichou... I'm going to go take a nap outside until everyone shows up."

Kira exited, leaving Ichimaru to his breakfast.

"Today, I, Ichimaru Gin... am becomin' a home owner!" Ichimaru yelled.

"Ichimaru, aren't you already...?" Hitsugaya began.

"Ne, off-campus property is the way ta go, Hitsugaya-kun!"

"Can I go with you?"

"No." Gin said quickly. The last thing he wanted was the over-eager boy-captain following him.

Meanwhile, in the Fifth Division office, Aizen Sousuke stared absently at his desk before slowly putting his head down on it. Hinamori giggled.

"Every now and then, Aizen-taichou dies of boredom... I think today it was filing the health-checks that did him in. And, we have a deal that it's up to me to revive him," she explained privately.

"You see Shirou-chan's tea cup?" she asked, suddenly in the empty Tenth Division office with Aizen.

"Yes?"

"Sometimes when I get bored, I try and throw stuff in to it." She handed him a crumpled-up PostIt note. He tossed it at the cup, but missed.

"Here, try a paper clip." Hinamori suggested, handing him one.

"Can I be your representative?" Hitsugaya asked.

"No." Ichimaru answered quickly.

"But we're a team!"

"Ichimaru and I are a very good team. We're like, one of those classic famous teams... We're like Mozart and... Mozart's friend. No, we're like... I'm like Butch Cassidy... and Ichimaru... is like Mozart. You mess with Mozart, and you get a bullet to the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy." Hitsugaya disclosed to the camera.

"You headed out?" Hinamori asked as she and Aizen met Ichimaru and Hitsugaya near the gates to the seireitei.

"Yup." Gin answered, his perpetual smile in place.

"Well, have a good time, you two!" Hinamori asked, bowing.

"Ano... Hinamori-chan..." Gin began, "did you... change all my... magazine subscriptions to my new address...?"

The dark-haired girl blushed a bit before answering. "Hai, Ichimaru-taichou."

"The... Shinigami Women's Association Swimsuit calandar...?"

"Yes sir."

Aizen glared at the other captain.

"Gin. Perhaps next time, you could have your own liutenant do your work, rather than mine."

Ichimaru bowed a bit. "My apologies, Aizen-taichou." he said before they left.

Still bored out of his mind, Aizen wandered to the Eighth Division office to find Kyoraku Shunsui and Ukitake Jyushirou flicking a paper football back and forth, with Kyoraku's liutenant at her desk, filing paperwork.

"What are you guys doing?" Aizen asked.

"Playing a game." Kyoraku answered.

"What kind of game...?"

Ukitake opened up the scorebook to show Aizen. "Something we play when we get bored."

"May I take a look?"

Aizen took the book for Ukitake and began to flip through it.

"Oh, my God! These go back to nearly two hundred years ago!" he cried out.

"We get bored alot." Kyoraku explained, flicking the paper football back to Ukitake.

"That's so cool... I totally love the... flicking-the-paper-football back and forth...!"

"We call it Hate-Ball." Kyoraku said.

"Why?" Aizen asked.

"Because of how much Nanao-chan hates it." Kyoraku smirked in her direction.

"Don't call me that." she snapped.

"Do you have any other games...?" Aizen asked.

"We see how quickly we can chug a bottle of sake." Kyoraku offered.

"You play that, taichou." Nanao said from her desk.

"Ano, if you want to find out some more games, why don't you talk to Kaname?" Ukitake offered. "He can teach you Gotei-Ball."

"Great!" Aizen said. "Thanks, you guys." he said, setting off for the Ninth.

"So are we ready to close the deal?" the relator asked Ichimaru, who stood inside the duplex-like house he was about to buy.

"No, we're not." Hitsugaya said. "We actually have a few questions about the neighborhood."

"Well, uh, it's First District Rukongai... it's very safe, very clean, it's very... very tolerant of... alternative lifestyles."

Ichimaru nodded once. "Good." he said.

"... It's very gay-friendly." the woman clarifyied.

"Oh, good!" Ichimaru said. "That's good..."

Hitsugaya cleared his throat.

"Actually, I do own property." Hitsugaya told the camera. "My grandmother left me a working beet farm on the edge of Rukongai. I run it with Hinamori. We sell beets to local shops and restruants."

"So this is what that noise is all day!" Aizen yelled as Tousen explained Gotei-Ball. He was using his zanpaku-to to hit a ball off the side of the building, almost like tennis.

A while later, Aizen wandered over to the Eleventh Division.

"Zaraki-taichou!" he called to the other captain. "Tell me, are there any games you play when you get bored?"

"I have a game." the big man said darkly. "It's called, 'train my subordinates all day so that we're the strongest and don't get beat up by the pansies in the Fifth'."

Aizen took a step back.

"Fair enough." he said before walking away.

"And this... is the master bedroom!" Gin yelled, throwing open the door to back bedroom. "I'm thinkin', bed over here, one of them plasma screens from the Livin' World on there..."

"No way." Hitsugaya said, stepping over to the wall that Ichimaru had motioned to. "That's a shared wall. If your neighbor gets mad, he throws his wife against the wall... Plasma screen? Down, totally smashed."

"Then I'll get a warranty." Ichimaru said.

"Uh-uh. Warranties don't cover that."

Ichimaru sighed as Hitsugaya pressed his ear to the wall.

"Man... these babies are thin..." the boy-captain remarked.

"Dum, dum, dah-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum-dah-dah-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dah-dah-dum, dum, dum..." Aizen began, lighting a small candle. Several other taichous and their fukutaichous were gathered around him.

"This scented candle-andle-andle... which I found in the mens' bathroom-room-room... represents... the eternal burning of... competition! ... Or... something!" he announced.

"It smells like cookies." Kyoraku noted.

Aizen turned to him.

"Yes, it does, my friend. Yes, it does." He turned back to the other shinigami. "Okay, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids." he said, holding them up.

"Ano, the bronze are really blue... and they're also the underside of the gold, so... no flipping." Hinamori added.

"Let the games begin!" Aizen yelled, walking towards the Fourth Division. Nanao remained where she was, and folded her arms.

"I play games. I... dangle things in front of my cats... I play lots of games!" she told the camera. "Just not at work."

"So, ready to sign the papers?" the relator asked.

"Ano... can ya gimme a minute?" Ichimaru asked, walking outside and doubling over, breathing heavily.

"Buying this house at Ichimaru's age is like buying a coffin." Hitsugaya remarked. "And if I were buying my coffin, I'd get one with sturdier walls, so I couldn't hear the other dead people."

"Alright, so, what we have here is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies, and... I'm blanking on the name... Hinamori-kun?" Aizen began.

"Aizen-taichou, it's referred to as... flonkerten. In Japanese, 'Box of Paper Snow-Shoe Racing'." Hinamori offered.

"Fair enough, but... I like flonkerten."

"The good thing about Aizen-taichou," Hinamori said to the camera, "is that, when he gets excited about something, he gets really into it, and he does a really great job... but, the bad thing about Aizen-taichou is that he doesn't like paperwork or fighting... so, that hardly every happens."

The camera went back to everyone else standing around the boxes of paper in the Fourth Division.

"Alright, so... who will challenge Kyoraku-taichou in flonkerten?" Aizen asked. No one spoke up. "Anyone...?"

"... I'll do it." Unohana said softly.

"Yes! Unohana-taichou!" Aizen said as the others burst into applause.

"Look, if this is a finacial thing, then I can-!"

"No, 's not a finacial thing!" Ichimaru shot back. "'S just... why am I the best-lookin' one 'round here?!"

"One o' primary rules of real estate," Ichimaru told the camera, "izzat ya should never be the best-lookin' person in the development. 'S just common sense. 'Cause then, the only way ya can go is down."

"If you're worried about the money, you can rent out the third bedroom." the woman suggested.

"I ain't rentin' out my third bedroom! I want a price reduction er I'm walkin' away!"

"You will lose seven thousand dollars if you walk away right now." the relator said ominously. Ichimaru sighed.

The camera angled back to show Hitsugaya and Ichimaru eating lunch on the floor of the living room.

"Ya know what? I'm glad I signed!" Ichimaru told Hitsugaya. "'Cause now, I'm a homeowner!"

Hitsugaya chuckled. "Yeah... can you see those poor saps stuck back in their offices?"

Both men began to laugh.

Meanwhile, Unohana passed Kyoraku in Flonkerten. Cries of, "Oh...!" and "AH!" and, "Go, go, GO!" came from the crowd as they tripped to the finish line. Hinamori caught Unohana before she hit the ground.

"It's Unohana-taichou!" Hinamori cried.

"Yes! Unohana-taichou by a nose!" Aizen agreed. "Gold medal in Flarementon!"

"Flonkerten!" Hinamori corrected.

"Thank you, delegate from Iceland."

The camera panned back to show Kyoraku chugging a bottle of sake with the rest of the athletes standing around him.

"Wow! Okay, no one else should even try!" Aizen declared. "Gold medal for Kyoraku-taichou!"

The other shingami began to cheer.

"Ne, Hitsugaya-taichou."

"Yes?"

"How d'you feel about rentin' out my third bedroom?"

Hitsugaya stared at the other taichou.

"See, I believe in rewardin' people fer their efforts." Ichimaru explained. "And... Hitsugaya-taichou helped me close on this house, so in return I'm lettin' him live in my third bedroom an' pay me five hundred dollars a month, plus utilities."

"Question: Where can I put my tererium?" Hitsugaya asked.

"What the hell izzat?" Ichimaru demanded.

"It's a fish tank that holds snakes and lizards." Hitsugaya explained.

"Oh. So an aquarium." Ichimaru said. Hitsugaya smirked to the camera, rolled his eyes and shook his head. Ichimaru thought for a moment. "That thing ain't comin' in this place." he said, turning around.

"Okay, question: My grandparents left me a large number of armoires..."

The camera showed Zaraki and Unohana playing each other in "Horse" with paper balls and waste baskets. Hinamori stood against the wall, talking to Nanao.

"Are you sure you don't want to play, Nanao-san?" Hinamori asked.

"I'm sure." the other woman replied.

"You don't... have any games...?"

Nanao looked at Hinamori.

"Yes, I have one."

"Really?" Hinamori asked excitedly. "What is it?! Let's play!"

"Well, it's a lot like ping-pong." Nanao explained. "I count how many times Aizen-taichou stops whatever he's doing and comes over to talk to you."

Hinamori blushed. "What are you talking about?! I'm his fukutaichou! We're friends!"

"Apparently."

The camera zoomed back out to show the game.

"Very nicely done! Okay, so that's 'H-O-R' for Zaraki-taichou, and 'H-O' for Unohana-taichou." Aizen said.

Unohana glared over at him. "You callin' me ho?" she asked.

Everyone stared at the normally calm and gentle captain. Aizen smirked.

"Oh, my God: Unohana-taichou, coming alive! I like it!"

"So, will we be taking our vacations together?"

"We'll take 'em at differen' times."

"Hey, can I sometimes sleep in your room and you sleep in mine?"

"Why would do that?"

"Just for fun."

Ichimaru sighed.

"Hey, look! Carpenter ants!" Hitsugaya said loudly, walking over to the outside edge of the house.

Ichimaru made a sound like a basketball game buzzer.

"Game over! Offer revoked!" he yelled at the younger taichou. "I'm sorry! I reach out an' try ta be a nice guy, I reach out an'... ugh!"

"Thank God." Hitsugaya said to the cameras. "It was nice of him to offer, but... I like my living arrangement just the way it is." He smiled.

"You know, Ichimaru, maybe you can get your mortgage paid off early... that's what we did with my beet farm." Hitsugaya offered as they walked back to the seireitei.

"Nobody cares 'bout yer stupid beet farm, Hitsugaya!" Ichimaru yelled. "Nobody likes beets! Ya know what? Ya should grow somethin' everyone likes! Ya should grow candy!" he sighed. "I'd really like a piece o' candy right now..."

"Alright, final lap!" Aizen held a stopwatch and was timing how quickly Ukitake and Kyoraku could race around the Third Division office with full cups of tea. "1:15! Time to beat is 1:15!" he yelled.

Ichimaru and Hitsugaya entered. Ukitake and Kyoraku stopped running and walked back towards their divisions. The shinigami all began to look at each other, then dispersed.

"Where are you guys going?" Aizen called. "Timer's still running!"

"That's my stopwatch." Hitsugaya said darkly. Aizen looked at it, and then at the younger captain.

"Why, yes it is, Hitsugaya-kun. Yes, it is."

"Hinamori-kun."

Hinamori walked warily over to Aizen's desk. "Yes?" she asked.

"Why don't you call the atheletes here for the closing ceremonies?"

She smiled. "I'm on it!"

A few minutes later, all the shinigami who had participated were gathered in the Fifth Division office.

"Alright, everyone... Thank you for attending the closing ceremonies!" Aizen said. The others began to clap. "So, first off... since Ichimaru-taichou closed on his house, gold medal."

Ichimaru stood on one of the platforms.

"And, for helping him do so... Hitsugaya Toushirou! Silver medal."

Hitsugaya warily took it and stood beside Ichimaru as Hinamori pressed "play" on a CD player. The national anthem of the United States began to play.

"Why the U.S. national anthem...?" Ichimaru asked Aizen.

"Because... your new home... is close to America?"

Ichimaru nodded as Hinamori's origami doves began "flying" behind the three men. Hitsugaya and Ichimaru turned around to glare at them.

"What the hell is that?!" Hitsugaya asked.

"Oh! Those are the doves." Aizen explained.

"Hm."

The camera showed all three men smiling before going black.