Dr Rudy Wells sat in his Colorado office looking out towards the mountains. What am I going to do? It had been three weeks since Jaime Sommers was operated on to replace her bionic legs. Sure, physically she was healing fine and undergoing therapy to use her new legs but something was wrong. Rudy though t that once her fiancé Oscar Goldman arrived to recover from his wounds that Jaime would get over her mood but what small improvement he noticed was short lived. It seemed to Rudy that both Jaime and Oscar were…depressed but they didn't seem to be turning to each other for comfort. Instead they hardly spent any time together. Not a good omen for a marriage, Rudy concluded.
He was not only their doctor but their friend as well. Why won't they let me in? How can I help if those two stubborn people won't talk to me! Rudy had tried to talk to each of them but both claimed that everything was alright. Since Oscar had been allowed to get out of bed and walk around the complex, he'd taken to sitting in a small corner window to read and stare out into the forest below. Sometimes he would be watching as Jaime and Max ran around the hillside. As he watched Oscar's face, Rudy noticed him look happy if even for a few seconds then his expression changed back to sadness.
Rudy would see Jaime sitting at the same rock formation every day. She would sit there for what seemed like hours with her chin in her hands just staring out into the wilderness as Max chased birds and squirrels. As he watched her expression with binoculars, Jaime was just…blank. Survivor's guilt? Depression? Post traumatic stress syndrome? What was up with them both? Rudy decided it was time to do more. Jaime and Oscar had to open up to get well and if they wouldn't to him or each other, it had to be someone else. "Dave, I need your help," Rudy said on the phone to his good friend, Dr. Dave Howard.
Dave Howard had been at medical school with Rudy but had transferred to psychotherapy. Rudy had occasion to use his services especially when Jaime expressed an interest in going into that field. Jaime and Oscar had met Howard when he told Jaime what a psychotherapist really did. Rudy contacted Russ to get clearance for the doctor to work with Jaime and Oscar. There were security issues and the subject of Jaime's bionics as well as OSI cases would come up in conversations.
When Howard arrived the next morning, he got right down to business.
"Rudy, please start at the beginning. When did the Lane business start? "
Rudy proceeded to tell Dave as much as he could. He told of the raid on the island, the attack during their Christmas cruise and Lane's involvement during Jaime's mission with NASA. He finished by telling of Oscar's kidnapping and the deadly battle that brought the couple to his complex.
"During all this time, what was their response? Were they angry or fearful? Did they turn inward or did they reach out for support?"
Rudy thought for a moment. "After the cruise, Oscar became very protective, well, over protective. Jaime thought so anyway. She took the NASA mission to get away for a little bit. Jaime was fearful for Oscar and herself. She was, naturally, anxious and blamed the OSI. She became even more determined to leave the agency. I got the impression…that Oscar took it personal although he tried not to." Rudy noticed Dave nodding a lot while he talked.
"Was there anyone killed that either of them were close to?" Howard was taking notes as Rudy talked.
Rudy took a deep breath, "Yes. One of the agents killed. Jaime used to date him."
With raised eyebrows and growing interest, Dave asked Rudy, "Tell me about their relationship and the manner of his death."
"Jaime and Chris dated for some months, maybe six months. Jaime liked him but Chris was more serious about her than she was him. Chris was devastated when she broke up with him. When he found out about Jaime's relationship with Oscar, well, he spied on them trying to get evidence to use against them so he could get Oscar fired. I understand from Jaime that they had made peace the day he was killed." Rudy paused as he recalled the details of Chris' death.
Dave Howard was lost in thought for a minute. Rudy asked, "What do you think?"
"Jaime may have survivor's guilt. Jaime feels guilty for hurting Chris and she feels guilty that he loved her when she didn't love him. In her grief and anger, she's turned against Oscar. Maybe she's somehow convinced herself, or is trying to convince herself, that she really loved Chris. Oscar feels guilty for everything – the deaths, especially that of his rival, Jaime's injuries and all the trouble caused because of him. Since Jaime has pulled away from him, I'm sure he's confused and hurt. Being who he is, I don't think he's emotionally equipped to deal with the fear of losing her and all the guilt he's feeling."
Rudy frowned. "Can you help them? Do you think, do you think they can save their relationship?"
Dave answered with a small smile, "I hope so. I'll do my best," with that they shook hands.
Rudy showed Dave to his office where he would start that day improving Jaime and Oscar's mental health. They decided that it was better for the stubborn couple to not know why Dave Howard was there. Rudy would say that Dave was doing some research and he'd let his friend use the facilities. In the course of his work, Russ had given the doctor a security clearance. Their ruse worked when Dave "accidently" bumped into Jaime at lunchtime.
"Rudy told me what happened. It looks like you are recovering well."
"Yes," Jaime replied, "I'm, uh, doing well."
Dave noticed how she hesitated and looked secretive. "You seem a little…depressed. Let's talk." Dave stuck his arm out to lead Jaime down the hall. To his surprise but delight, she smiled a little then went with him.
"I am a little depressed and, um, I, uh, can't seem to get passed it." Jaime sheepishly looked at the doctor.
"Jaime, you have been through a very difficult and stressful experience. You were seriously injured. Your fiancé was seriously wounded. You saw friends being injured and killed. That's a lot to depress a person. I can help, if you'll let me." Dave focused on Jaime's body language as he spoke. He noticed her slight reactions to "fiancé" and friends killed. I'm right. She blames Oscar and she's guilty about Chris. Let me help, please Jaime.
"How, how much do you know? About what happened, I mean." Jaime quietly asked.
"A little. Rudy told me the basics. I'll be here a week or so. You can fill in the details. With my work here, Mark Russell has given me security six clearance so you don't have to worry about violating any OSI rules. I know you are an agent and I know about bionics." Dave noted Jaime's stiff reaction to the word "OSI".
"Start at the beginning, eh." Jaime proceeded to tell him the whole story starting with becoming reacquainted with Steve. Dave realized quickly that Jaime still resented Steve for making the decision that made her bionic. She told him of doing missions because she felt obligated. Jaime became excited when she told of her desire to leave the OSI because it was taking over her life and the government interference with that decision. "Oscar told me to leave, run away, so I did. It wasn't long before I realized I wasn't free while I was on the run so I came back to face the music and go back to that existence."
As she talked flashes of memories ran through her head: running with Steve, lifting heavy objects, her first day teaching school, fembots, Lisa Galloway, crazy computers, endless guns being pointed at her, all of which made Jaime's head spin. Once she was on a roll, Jaime just couldn't stop.
Dave Howard occasionally took notes but mostly he just listened. Two hours later Jaime was in a state of exhaustion. Dave knew she was raw. "Jaime, you loved tennis didn't you? Why did you give it up? Why take up teaching?"
"I wanted to be a tennis player all through growing up. When I became bionic, it wasn't fair to play professionally any more so I went to my post-tennis Plan B earlier than I'd expected," a teary eyed Jaime responded.
"The parachute accident came before you started working for the OSI, didn't it?" Dave knew the answer but wanted Jaime to say it
"Yes," chuckling a little, "I didn't even know it existed then."
The doctor watched Jaime closely as he slowly pointed out, "You know, you were lucky. Most paraplegics can only dream of the quality of life you have." He said nothing for about 30 seconds to let his words sink in. "Hey, it's getting late. How about we continue tomorrow, say ten o'clock?"
Jaime began to think about her life. Guilt. My life is full of guilt. First Steve, then Chris.
"It's all my fault, my fault." Jaime blurted out then started to cry.
Dave Howard responded, "Jaime, talk to me. What is your fault?"
"It's my fault. Chris is dead because of me."
"No, he isn't. You didn't kill him. Listen to me. Look at me." He waited until he had her complete attention. "Chris Williams was a government agent who put himself in harm's way every day. He did it because he loved it and he felt he made a difference doing so. You feel responsible but the man who shot him was responsible."
"He loved me but I pushed him away. I wouldn't let him get close to me. I hurt him, deeply. He died trying to save ME. I feel so guilty." Jaime tearfully told the doctor.
"Jaime, you have Survivor's Guilt. It is a very normal reaction to your experiences. I can help you to resolve your guilt and move on with your life. Your romantic relationship with him is separate from the manner of his death. Think about this for a moment. Imagine that you and Chris had stayed together. The heads of the NSB and OSI were kidnapped. Would the two of you have been involved in the rescue?"
"Yes, of course," Jaime replied through her tears after a few seconds thought.
"That means Chris could have still been killed in the same manner whether the two of you were seeing each other or not. You stopped dating Chris because you didn't love him. That was the right thing to do. So much more pain would have been caused had you continued the relationship. You are allowing these guilty feelings to influence…a love for Chris Williams that in reality you don't feel. This illusion is clouding your true feelings. I would like you to spend the next few hours reviewing your relationship with Chris. Start from the very beginning. Remember the good times and the bad. Think about the things you liked about him and the things that you didn't. In this way you will be able to see the reality of your feelings for him as well as to mourn him. Let's talk again at eight o'clock." With that Dave Howard left the room to try to "accidently" run into his other patient.
He found Oscar slowly walking around the hall. "Mr. Goldman? Do you remember me? Dr. David Howard."
It took a few seconds but Oscar remembered, "Yes, Dr. Howard. You came to meet with Jaime about her new career." Oscar looked a little suspicious as he continued. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I'm doing some work with Rudy. Mr. Russell has given me special clearance to be at the facility. I was just visiting with Jaime then heading back to my office when I saw you." Dave wanted to gauge Oscar's reaction to him speaking to Jaime. He wasn't disappointed as Oscar's eyes opened wide.
"I see," was all Oscar said.
This isn't going to be easy. Beating around the bush won't get the job done. "Mr. Goldman, in my conversations with Rudy, he expressed a great deal of concern for both you and Jaime. He's worried about your depression."
Oscar nodded, "So, bringing you here was Rudy's idea. I'm not depressed. I'm facing reality. Jaime has endured nothing but pain and suffering because of me," then quietly he said as he stared into the distance, "she's better off without me." Oscar then quickly and forcefully finished, "Men lost their lives trying to save mine – that's reality."
Dave was struck by Oscar's statement. There was a great deal of anger and pain in it. I was wrong. She's not pushing him away, he's pushing her. "Mr. Goldman, Oscar, those men were doing their job. It is unfortunate that they lost their lives. Besides, they were trying to save the NSB director's life too."
Oscar interrupted in an irritable tone, "I know that. It doesn't change the fact that it was a disaster."
"Be realistic, those agents were not trained or equipped to take on a military unit. The rescue was planned and executed at a very short notice. You mentioned Jaime being better off without you. What do you mean?"
Oscar's eyes blazed. "She nearly died. Her legs were replaced, again, while trying to rescue me. That's a tremendous pressure for a person to go through. Since we got together, she's been shot three times, vacations ruined, her personal life has been under a microscope – all causing…mental anguish…because of me. Don't you see, being with me…it won't work."
The doctor thought for a moment. "You're right, that is a lot for a person to deal with but she has dealt with them. Why do you think?"
"Jaime has a big heart and a very well developed sense of responsibility. She does what she feels is right."
"What about loving you? You two are engaged." Dave was interested in the response.
Oscar took a deep breath then quietly said, "Yes, she loves me but she blames me. I can see it in her eyes. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone else but I can't guarantee her safety or security. I can't give her normalcy. Even, even if I retire, there will always be a Lane or Franklin or hundreds of others who want to see me dead and they won't think twice about hurting…those closest to me."
"Oscar, it is Jaime's choice too. You can't control her or make decisions for her. By all accounts, including yours, she's a very independent woman. If she's chosen you after all she's gone through, it is because she feels it is the right thing to do. Have the two of you talked about each of your feelings?"
"We see each other every evening after dinner. We chat, catch up but nothing beyond small talk. Sometimes we just sit together…in silence." Oscar looked into the distance as he related this surprising news.
"You are trying to spare each other pain but all you are doing is causing each other pain by leaving things unsaid. It is another open wound that must be repaired before you both can work on recovery. If you would agree, I could sit in and assist." Dave Howard felt that he'd made a breakthrough. "The three of us could talk in my office, sort of a neutral setting."
Oscar nodded, "You're right, yes, I suppose it needs to happen. We need to resolve things. It isn't fair otherwise. It's just…," Oscar's voice faded away as he was lost in his own thoughts. I love her so much, I don't want to let her go. How am I going to live without her? I have to let her go, before, before I kill her.
"Tonight, my office at eight thirty. I'll make sure Jaime is there."
Jaime spent the early evening reliving her relationship with Chris. It had been hard to get started as her mind didn't want to review what was painful and embarrassing. The more honest memories came to the surface, the more Jaime had to admit to herself that she hadn't loved Chris. That was the embarrassing part. Helen's words from so long ago came back, "Jaime, you love who you love, you can't make yourself love someone." She couldn't make herself love Steve nor could she make herself love Chris. Good-bye Chris. Jaime cried for many minutes before she found some calm and more clarity.
Oscar. Jaime was angry at him and hurt. He was distant and unloving. Men died, Chris died, to save him – I almost died - but he's so…unfeeling. Did he ever say 'Thank you' or show any form of gratitude? He didn't seem upset, just quiet. Jaime didn't know what to think of his unemotional responses. Uncaring or shock?
When Dave Howard knocked on her door, Jaime was ready. He noted that her face was blotchy and her eyes were red from crying.
"You were right. I didn't, I don't love Chris." Jaime greeted the doctor as he walked in.
"I'm glad you came to terms with your feelings for him." Dave smiled and patted Jaime's hand.
"When I get out of here, I'm going to visit with his parents. I met them once." Jaime replied as she wiped the last of her tears away.
"That sounds good. Listen, I spoke to Oscar. He wants to talk…to you. I've offered my office and plan on sitting in."
Jaime's eyes opened wide and her heart started pumping wildly. "Okay. What, um, what is this, uh, about?" Jaime was glad he wanted to talk but she was also afraid of what he was going to say.
"I've spoken to Rudy. If you are worried about his heart, he's fine. Jaime, it is very important for both of you to clear the air. You can't move forward until you do."
Jaime swallowed hard, "Forward. I'm not sure what forward will mean."
Neither do I, the doctor was honest with himself. "Let's go find out. At least you'll know soon."
Oscar was in the office when Jaime and the doctor arrived. "Hi Babe." Oscar stood as they walked in. He'd taken to heart the talk he'd had with the doctor. One thing he'd learnt over the years was that he couldn't control Jaime. It took awhile but he stopped trying. He loved her independent streak. He loved that she knew her own mind, yes, as a boss it irritated him but mostly, he admired her for it. I've got to make her see that I'm bad for her.
That was before he saw her with her red eyes and blotchy, tear stained face. Oscar immediately wanted to take her in his arms to make her feel better. His heart pounded as he was filled with love and protective feelings for her. "Are you all right? Sit. Hey, what's wrong?" He pulled her down on the couch then he looked at the doctor, "Maybe we should do this another time."
That's what I want to see. Maybe this will work. "No, now is the best time. You need to listen to this before you speak. You are both suffering. Part of the suffering is due to survivor's guilt but most of the feelings you have are directed at each other. You, Oscar, feel guilty because Jaime got hurt. This guilt is encouraging you to push her away. You are also suffering from an identity crisis. You've been director of the OSI for years. It has been your way of life not just a job. Now that job, that way of life is over. Oscar, you may be happy about it but it is also a source of instability. Jaime, you feel guilty because Chris Williams died loving you although you loved someone else. You are hurt and confused because Oscar is pushing you away. The two of you must resolve these feelings to fully recover." With a nod, the doctor let his patients know it was time for them to talk.
Oscar started as he held Jaime's hand. With tears streaming down his face, he told her, "Jaime, I love you so much. I'm so, so sorry but…I can't marry you. I can't stand seeing you injured and unhappy. I'd rather have you live a happy life."
"Don't I have a say in this? I haven't made my vows yet but I'm willing to take you in sickness and health. I knew what I was getting into the first time I told you I loved you. Don't push me away."
"Jaime, you almost died…for me and not for the first time. I couldn't survive if I thought, if I caused your death. I'm so, so confused." Oscar put his head in his hands. He forcefully continued, "I don't know who I am anymore. I'm scared. I can't let you go but I can't let you stay with me." Oscar looked at Jaime with wild eyes. "Jaime, I'm afraid of losing you. I feel, I feel like I'll lose you either way. I can't deal with that but I'd rather lose you by letting you go than…by your death."
"Oscar, we've both made enemies. I know that no matter what, you'll lead the cavalry to rescue me if I'm ever in trouble. You know I'll be right in front to find you whether I'm your wife or someone else's. We've always been a good team. We can figure it out together. Life is an adventure. We don't have all the answers." Jaime steadied herself then made sure she had his full attention. She slowed her breathing which in seconds he mirrored. Jaime quietly but confidently continued, "I…love…YOU. I don't want to give up on us. I still want to be Mrs. Oscar Goldman when the time is right."
Oscar looked at her. In his heart he couldn't give her up. "Oh, Jaime." He threw his arms around Jaime and held her tightly. "I love you, I don't want to lose you."
Dave Howard tiptoed out of the room to go fill Rudy in. Over the next two weeks the doctor spent time working with Jaime and Oscar. He was pleased to note how they once again became inseparable, sometimes to the exasperation of Rudy. He made the mistake of not knocking when entering Jaime's room one evening only to find out what Oscar meant when he said he was doing cardiac exercise every day. Rudy instituted a rule for the complex staff to knock before entering Jaime or Oscar's rooms.
Up in the mountains at the rock formation that Rudy had observed Jaime alone thinking about her troubles, Rudy now saw Jaime and Oscar sitting there talking.
"Jaime, do you remember when I said that weddings were for women and honeymoons were for men?" Oscar asked.
With a giggle, Jaime replied, "Yeah."
"Well, I've decided…let's get married. Here. I don't want to wait any longer." Oscar took her in his arms as he spoke. "I know you wanted a pretty big wedding but we could have a big reception in a month or so."
With a smile and tears, Jaime replied, "I like that idea. What do you think Rudy will say with us filling the complex with people?"
"If I know Rudy, he'll huff and puff but he'll come through for us. Why don't you call Callahan, Helen and Jim and I'll call Steve." With raised eyebrows and a scrunched up face, he continued, "Then we'll break it, gently, to Rudy."
Six days later, the group was able to go to the justice of the peace for a quiet wedding. Jaime wore her wedding dress and Callahan her maid of honor dress but the men had to wear gray suits instead of tuxedos. The couple exchanged traditional vows in tears of joy. Helen was the only one who noticed the wistful look on Steve's face as Jaime and Oscar were pronounced husband and wife. A small dinner was held at a nearby restaurant as Jaime and Oscar planned to have a large reception once they returned to Washington.
Helen gave Oscar a big hug. She had come to terms with her feelings towards him. Helen still worried about his and Jaime's safety but on this his wedding day, she put all her worries behind her to welcome him to the family.
Steve slid up to Oscar after his mother left to needle his friend. "Was that Mom giving the 'I want grandchildren' hint?"
Oscar chuckled, "Not yet." He then looked seriously at his best friend. "Steve, thanks."
Steve squinted at Oscar as he got the feeling things were going to become uncomfortable. "For what?"
"Oh, everything. Mostly…for Jaime. I know, well, I know you still love her and…" Oscar was interrupted by Steve.
"There's nothing to thank me for. Jaime and I resolved things a long time ago. I'm just glad you're both happy."
Since they had been released just the day before by Rudy and Dave Howard, the happy couple wasn't able to plan a honeymoon. A few nights at a Colorado Springs resort was all they could arrange at short notice. There was a beautifully wrapped gift waiting for them at the front desk when they checked in. "What's this?" Oscar asked.
"I don't know Mr. Goldman. It was dropped off about an hour ago," the clerk replied.
Eyeing the package suspiciously and exchanging concerned glances with Jaime, Oscar asked, "By whom? Can you describe the person who dropped it off?"
The clerk had a silly smirk when she replied, "Tall, very good looking, very flirty. Light brown hair. He was wearing a gray suit."
It immediately hit Oscar and Jaime that the description could only be of Steve. At least it isn't a bomb but with Steve, it could be anything.
"If Austin gave us this, I'm not sure I want to open it," Jaime wriggled her nose at the box after they got to their room.
With a raised eyebrow and a sour look, Oscar began opening the box. Inside there was a bottle of drug store wine, two paper cups and two small wrapped packages. There was one package for each of them. Jaime opened hers. It was a bottle of aspirin and an eye mask along with a note – "For the bride, take a full dose of aspirin and put on the mask. Maybe it will help although we doubt it. Love, the Best Man and Maid of Honor."
Jaime shook her head and giggled.
"So Callahan is involved too. Great." Oscar remarked as he worked to open his package. Inside were three girlie magazines, sticky tape and a note – "Inspiration for the groom. Advise taping centerfolds to the wall. Good luck! Love, the Best Man and Maid of Honor."
"Remind me to thank them, appropriately." Oscar sarcastically noted as he put the magazines down.
Jaime put her arms around him, "Well, it's the thought that counts," Jaime ruefully said, "I think."
"So, would you like some really cheap wine?" Oscar playfully asked.
"No way. If we drink that, we will need those aspirin. Do you want to look at your magazines?" Jaime smiled up at him.
"I don't need extra…inspiration with you." The smoldering look in his brown eyes made Jaime weak in the knees. "I'll have to give you a rain check on carrying you across the threshold."
Jaime's heart was pounding as he led her by the hands to the bedroom, "I'll remind you another time."
Instead of going back to Washington, the Goldmans' spent a month in Ojai. Officially, Oscar was on medical leave from the OSI until September. He was going to put in for retirement once he was able to. Jaime had missed the end of the semester at college but during the summer she was going to finish her exams.
"Jaime, do you remember Tom Rose over in the Defense Department?" Oscar asked after Jaime had been shopping with Helen.
"Not really but go on." Jaime replied as she put groceries away.
Oscar leaned against the bar as he continued, "We've come up with an idea. Tom is looking for someone who is familiar with military intelligence services and government intelligence. It would be a nine-to-five desk job. Since I was in Naval Intelligence for a number of years then in the OSI, he thought I would have the…clout that could do justice to the job."
"Would anyone be shooting at you?" Jaime asked.
"No, the most dangerous aspect of the job would be trying to get Bill to give information." Oscar cocked his head in her direction as he responded.
"Well, then go for it." Jaime said with relief.
The first part of September saw the couple settled in Washington. Jaime was back to school and Oscar was slowly getting back into the groove of the OSI. He was counting the days until he could start his new position at the Defense Department.
Jaime got up early one Saturday much to Oscar's surprise. A short time later she came back to bed.
"Oscar, are you busy today?" Jaime asked to his back.
With half opened eyes, he responded, "No, I'm all yours."
"Great. We need to do some furniture shopping." Jaime couldn't help smiling as she ran her hand along his arm.
"Furniture? What kind of furniture?" When only silence greeted him, he rolled over to look at her. "Jaime?"
She smiled as she responded, "Baby furniture."