A/N v.2: Purging. Details on my profile.

Okay, so this is pretty much almost-porn without plot. No lemons, but there are lime-things. Read to find ouy.

This is one of my proudest fics. Seriously, even 3 months after writing this, I still enjoy rereading it, which is more than I can say for a lot of my other fics. It's set in a sort of non-explained AU-ish world type thing, where Kira/Death Note/L the Detective never existed. And Raito isn't a cop. And Watari doesn't show up. And Raito has a job as a bigwig of some random company. Yeah. That's about it. Um, this features Exasperated!Raito and PervertedInnocentChildish!L.

A major thanks to those who fave/alert me or my stories. I don't thank you guys often enough. As always, reviews are great. I don't need them on my older ones [although it makes me feel fuzzy inside when I learn someone's still reading them], but I do appreciate them on my newer ones, so go check them out. [/shameless self promotion]

STANDARD DISCLAIMER APPLIES. If I owned this, there would be much hot yaoi love, and Raito would be my personal slave. :D

A Typical Day

Raito yawned and opened his eyes to find L perched over him, staring at his face. He sighed. "Good morning, L," he said, gently pushing the insomniac's face out of the way so he could get out of bed. "Where did you throw my clothes last night?"

L clambered off of the bed as well. "I put them in the wash, since Rai-chan was very annoyed last time." Raito resisted the urge to pat him on the head like a puppy or something.

"Thanks you. I'm going to shower now. Alone," he said meaningfully, and sauntered into the bathroom before L could guilt-trip him into anything.

But his solitude was not to be. Not a minute after he turned on the water, the shower door opened and L entered as well. "L!" Raito whined. L just looked on nonchalantly. "Fine," Raito grumbled, and began washing his hair. He groaned in pleasure as another set of hands joined his. His own dropped to his sides as L finished washing his hair. Then L's hands traveled down to his back, rubbing out the kinks that had accumulated there overnight.

And then L's hands touched his ass.

Raito jerked away as if he'd been burnt. "L!" he said loudly. "I let you shower with me, but we're not having sex again! My ass is still sore, no thanks to your eagerness and lack of lube last night, and besides, it's my turn to top!"

L looked down sadly. "Rai-chan is very commanding."

Raito's eyes grew tender. He cupped L's chin with his hand and tilted it up so their eyes met. "Lawli-pop," he said gently. "You know I love you. But we can't just have sex all of the time. I, at least, have a social life."

L's eyes grew bright. "But we can definitely have sex some of the time?" he asked hopefully. A calculating gleam entered L's eyes when Raito nodded, and Raito shuddered involuntarily.

No good had ever come from that gleam.

But he pushed away the foreboding thoughts and gently shoved L out of the shower. "You're distracting me, L," he said in response to L's hurt look. "Go eat some cake or something." Within moments, L was gone. Raito just shook his head and continued showering.

When Raito finally arrived for breakfast, hair still slightly damp but otherwise perfect, it was to find L staring gloomily into the open fridge. Raito sighed. It was time to do some more damage control. "What are we out of this time, L?" he asked.

"The red velvet," the raven replied moodily.

Raito sucked in a sharp breath. Red velvet was his boyfriend's favorite. "I'll pick some up today," he promised. "You'll just have to make do with some other kind right now."

Frowning, L took out a German chocolate cake. Raito chuckled at his antics. "You know, I might have to start rationing your cakes. I'll only buy you four a week. Anything else you want, you'll have to either buy yourself, or save from a previous cake."

L whirled around, almost dropping his cake. His owlish eyes were wide. "You wouldn't," he whispered.

Raito smirked, amber eyes sparkling with mischief and laughter. "Watch me."

L's longing gaze moved from his cake, to Raito, and back to his cake. Then he put the cake back in the fridge and took out a box of strawberries. "I guess I don't really need more cake. Strawberries will do," he said quietly, looking like someone had just killed his grandmother. Raito just laughed and pulled him into a hug.

"Come on, Lawli-pop. Give me a kiss," he said smiling. L was only too eager to comply. So eager, in fact, that he put his strawberries down to begin unbuttoning Raito's trousers. But Raito laughed again and pulled out of reach. "Now, now, L," he said mock-sternly. "I can't be late. You'll just have to wait until I come back home." Raito chuckled as L's eyes glazed over with the promise and whirled smartly out of the house, before L could escape his fantasies.

A little before noon, Raito had to excuse himself from an important meeting when L called him for the seventeenth time in twenty minutes. Luckily, his phone was on vibrate and in his pocket, but Raito could feel the vibrations teasing his cock and coaxing it to half-mast. He gave a strained smile and stood up at the earliest possible opportunity. "I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me for a few minutes," he said. "My boyfriend is calling me."

The rest of the members in the room smiled at him knowingly. L was well known in the company for being somewhat clingy to Raito, and everyone knew there would be hell to pay if L didn't get what he wanted. And in this case, what he wanted was for Raito to pick up the phone.

Raito pressed the Talk button on his phone as he traveled to the bathroom. There was only one reason L would be calling him right now: phone sex. "L," he said, exasperated, as he locked himself in a stall. "You insatiable beast! Could you not wait a few more hours? Or maybe jack off to porn or something?"

"Rai-chan is much better than some face on the TV," L replied promptly and stubbornly.

Raito sighed. "Are you starting or am I?"

Twenty minutes later, Raito entered the meeting room again. He took his seat, as poised as ever, it seemed, and said, "Let's continue, shall we?" At a glance, no one could glean what L had wanted. But if one looked very closely, he would see that Raito's hair was slightly mussed, a faint flush colored his cheeks, his tie had been tied a little differently than it had been before, and his belt was slightly off-center. But nobody dreamed of invading his privacy that way, so his little adventure went unnoticed.

And that was just the way Raito liked it.

When Raito returned from work, the lights had all been turned off except for in one room: his and L's bedroom. Smirking, Raito flipped on some of the lights, set down his briefcase, and loosened his tie. He detoured to the kitchen to put L's cake in the fridge, then rushed to the bedroom, where L was lounging, naked, on the bed. Raito moaned in appreciation and stripped off his clothes. "L," he gasped as crawled over the older man. "We have dinner plans in an hour."

L smirked, a disconcerting expression on the innocent man's face. "Then we'll just have to be quick. Rai-chan did promise me, after all."

Raito snagged the lube from the nightstand. "Dammit. So no foreplay, then?" he asked, disappointed.

L had the grace to look marginally apologetic. "Although I know how much Rai-chan loves hacing his nipples teased, we do not have the time to engage in stimulating activities that do not directly pertain to Rai-chan fucking my brains out."

Raito growled. "What have I told you about using big words during sex?"

"Sorry, Rai-chan."

Forty-five minutes later, the two were sitting in the back of a limo, heading to dinner. Well, perhaps sitting was too calm a word. In reality, Raito was fending off L and his ravenous appetite. Raito pitied their poor driver.

For his part, the driver was doing his very best not to be disturbed by what he was hearing. But that didn't work, and the conversation was burned into his memory forever.

"L! Get your hands out of my shirt!"

"But Rai-chan!"

"No! It's only been twenty minutes! For God's sake, L, you can wait another—No! No! Don't! Keep them on!"

A pause. "L! This is not the—augh!" A thump, like two bodies hitting the floor. "L! No! Stay away! I swear I will cut off your cake supply for a—mmph!" Another, longer pause. Then a groan. "Oh God, yes! Kepp doing that! It feels so—Stop! I, at least, am staying fully clo—OH FUCK YES! Harder! Oh dear God, yes! The other one too, please! Dammit, L, stop teasing me!" A silence, broken only by the occasional groan. Then, "No, L! No! Move your hand away! We are not doing this again, my ass still hurts! Keep your finger away, L, or I will bring hell dow—SHIT! How do you always find that so quickly?"

"Magic."

"Of course. Don't stop! Add another finger, dammit!" Another pause. A whimper. "I'm so close, L. So close. I'm gonna—"

That was when the driver rolled up the partition.

When they finally reached the restaurant, Raito stumbled out of the limo before it could even come to a complete stop. His hair was mussed, his clothes were rumpled, his cheeks were red, and he was breathing heavily. As L exited, looking as nonplussed as ever, Raito smoothed down his suit, combed his hands through his hair, took a few deep breaths, and glared at L. "It's always the quiet ones, I swear!" he muttered angrily, and stormed into the restaurant.

"Remember, L. Nothing perverted during dinner, or no sex for a week," Raito whispered heatedly as they were led to their table. "And don't even try to use that kicked-puppy look you have, it won't work."

L, who had indeed been trying to use his kicked-puppy look, gave up the pretense and glared at his shoes. "Rai-chan is no fun."

"Rai-chan wants to have a normal dinner for once in his life!" Raito snapped.

"Fine," L replied, sulking. But for once, he remained true to his word.

Thankfully, the ride home was uneventful. When Raito got out, he paid the driver three times the normal fee. "Thank you for your services, and I fervently hope we never meet again," Raito said. The driver was only too happy to make his escape. As the limo sped away, Raito turned to go inside. "Come on, L," he said tiredly. "Let's go sleep."

But L had other plans. Within seconds of entering the house, he pulled a stip of black fabric around Raito's eyes and tied it tightly, blindfolding him. "L!" Raito yelped, and scrabbled to get the blindfold off. "What are you doing?" But L didn't reply. Instead, he gently pulled Raito's hands away and led him to what Raito assumed was their bedroom. Raito spouted insults the entire way.

And then L whipped off the blindfold, and Raito felt his jaw hit the floor. Somehow, their bedroom had been turned into a romantic paradise. Candles littered every surface, rose petals had been scattered over the bed, mini chocolates lay on the pillows, the lights were off, and soft music played gently in the background.

"You know," Raito began softly, as if speaking too loud would shatter the scene. "Sometimes I wonder why I love you. And then you pull something like this out of your ass, without me even knowing how the hell someone snuck into our house and decorated the room while we were gone, and remind me. Come here, Lawli-pop." Smiling, he gently kissed L and led him to the bed. At the moment, he felt nothing but love for his boyfriend and a smug happiness that no one else could enjoy the enigma that was L. Because really, who cared that L was a perverted bastard? Or that he prided himself on regularly making Raito's life hell?

At least, that was what he thought until the next morning, when he woke up once more to find L staring at him. And so the cycle continued.

But really, it was all just a typical day for the dysfunctional duo.

FIN