Look at me
I knew that from the day I first walked in the MC high I lay my eyes on Rachel Berry. A girl with animal sweater and plain skirt, who smile like the first light of sunrise, whose eyes like the warmest thing in the world ,so warm that could mad the ice melt into water in December.
I knew this girl since I transferred toLimaprimacy school. She was the first person I meet. She beam at me , introduced herself and show me where is the classroom I supposed to attend. I like her smiling at me , I like the way she ranted. But just when I saw how she been treated by other students , I knew that I could not befriend with her.
But when I walked in the MC high,with my head held up like the queen bee in the teens movie,I knew that I finally find a way to approach her. Slushies pouring over her face I laughed with my friends Santana and Brittany. Rachel wiped the ice away, she look shocked. And then, she looked form the ground to me. She look at me. There was nothing in her eyes, but at same time there were so many emotion in her eyes. I just smirked. I like her look at me. I knew that she was about to standing in front of me and said her usual speech about how is that action is not appreciate .
She said nothing . Then she bowed her head and walked away.
My smirk dropped. I don't understand. Why didn't she come to me? Why she just walked away? How could she do this?
Lately I got the knowledge about how people would act when they been slushied. They would shocked ,of course, and then rush to the nearest restroom get clean and change. They wouldn't argue it. Such a change compared with the primacy school.
I didn't like it. I hated it . I hated Rachel not argue with me. I hated Rachel walked away from me. I hated that she would turn to some loser like the Asian child or the girly boy or somebody else but me. It's just not the way Rachel used to do. When we were younger, she would do anything to stand up for herself and any other victims.
People changed. I knew that. I just didn't like that. I liked that bad people changed to good, brave guys changed to been afraid of every simple thing. I liked seeing people changed by their surrounding and other's influence. But I hated when Rachel was one of them.
But I still wan to approach her somehow. I want see her everyday. I hated everyone slushied her ,even Santana. I didn't tell her that, but she stopped slushing Rachel one day. Then I had to see some stupid jerk doing that thing. I hated to see that so I got my everyday routine No.1—slushied Rachel Berry. Every morning I walked in the hall, slushie in one hand, searching for my target. My favorite target.
Then she looked at me, with her beautiful warm eyes. She got her locker after , rushing to the nearest restroom. Kindly I did her a favor—I slushied her four feet away from her locker, always. I had a good mood all day, except that I see her been slushied by some stupid football players. Anyway I would got a extra slushied for her., claiming that she was still my own target.
I slushied her, I insulted her, I punched her to the locker, I shut her locker to insulted her—I would do anything to startled her to make her look at me. With her chocolate brown eyes.
That was the second day of my sophomore year. I was not happy. I was furious. I beat the jerk who accidently run into me. I was sure him would had bruise on his back for I punched him into lockers.
Rachel was nowhere to found. Two day was too long. It seemed to be forever. I feltthere was a twist in my heart. Feeling uneasy, I walked through the hall whenever I got a chance. I checked every restroom in my free period and each time I got in. I even accidently rushed into the choir room. No , not there. Not anywhere.
My favorite target was transferred. To some underworld school.
Santana soon found a new target to insult. Even jerks found the girl boy was more interesting. I refused to do so. I just wanted my own target. I just wanted Rachel Berry. But she was gone. I couldn't make her look at me like a deer in the light. I couldn't see her beautiful deep brown eyes looking at me. I didn't even bother to make fun of her stupid friend. I knew that she wouldn't look at me with disappointed eyes after I slushied the Asian girl. I knew that she wouldn't look at me with sorrowful eyes when I insulted the girl boy. She wouldn't look at me with those emotions deep inside her eyes. She was no where to found. She was gone.
And her laughing which just as free and amazing as her singing. And her smile. Always smiling so shining and happy and warm and sweet…I lost my favorite. I was lost.
There was only one way I could see her again. The Myspace vedio, which I used to leave so many insults and sarcasms, now was my only way to see her. I watched these vedios over and over. I remembered of something I thought I totally forget: the very first day she beamed at me, how she smoothed her skirt and offered her hand to me to shake, how she gently and almost shyly bushed some hair behind her ear.
I remembered the first time I made fun of her. I laughed at her sweater and her face reddened, eyes glinting, she came to me asked me to respect to her 'personal choice'. I was still laughing, but I was happy because I made her talk to me. So I apologized. Saying such thing like 'I am sorry for your bad design taste, but anyway, I am sorry'. She wanted to pretending angry but just after two seconds she broke into giggle. Deep inside my heart I liked it when she was giggling. I knew she found this making-fun incidents were amusing.
But we grown up. Time made us apart. I observed that she got some attention from some stupid goofy-smiling guys and she paid attention to them rather than me. She didn't laugh with me when I picked her up for fun. She became pissed when I made fun of her outfit or character. She even turned around when I approached her.
So I became annoying. Annoyance came to furiousness. The making-fun incidents changed to insults. I hated she not look at me the way she used to. Then I jut hated she did not look at me.