Loox rolled the cork to his ink jar back and forth on the table in front of him, noting, not for the first time, that he had been doing so long enough for the ink covering the bottom to be dry. He was trying to pay as little attention as possible to whoever was currently talking, as it would have no effect on whatever came after (more talking, likely). The monster was really only chattering to hear their own voice. A great many monsters on the council liked to do that. He had known that long before he had been forced to join it.
Well… they had not forced him, not really. He had been asked to join, and Loox had jumped at the opportunity, thinking he would finally be able to make some worthwhile changes to the city of Home. As it turned out, he could do little more than listen to old monsters talk. And if he ever wanted to add his two bits to anything without having to be asked first, he had to submit a formal request first, as well as what he was going to say in writing! He was not sure he had ever heard of anything so absurd. And now that he knew all of that, they would not even let him quit!
While Loox continued his silent protest at being at yet another of those pointless meetings, the monster who was standing finished their overlong speech and sat back down. Another immediately rose to take their place, droning on about yet another side of whatever they were arguing about. He was not even sure what they discussing anymore and wanted to keep it that way. He wondered if he should get the wax for another set of ear plugs. They had already taken three pairs from him, followed by lengthy lectures about 'responsibility.'
He let his eye drift around the room. The assembly hall was not large, and it only held about three dozen monsters. It was nothing like the old amphitheater. That thing could have held hundreds of monsters. Loox could only imagine how long meetings must have dragged on back then, but at least it would have been a better location than the basement he was stuck in.
He did not even understand why he was there. Many of the other members of the council had made it clear that they did not want him to be. They thought he was too young. Well good! He did not want to be there either! Except they still had not kicked him out. He was certain they had been close on multiple occasions. He was also fairly certain he knew why they had not.
The queen. She had been participating in the affairs of the city more and more as of late. Loox did not want to phrase it as 'actually doing her job,' but they were the closest words to the truth he could find. She had something to do with why he was still stuck there. He could think of several reasons why too, and he only liked about half of them.
As he glanced around the room, it still surprised him how many monsters looked like they were actually paying attention. How did they not lose their minds listening to all of it? They had all probably gone crazy already by that point, he realized. Even the next newest council member next to him had twenty years over him. If that was the fate that awaited him, he would have to start working harder on coming up with an excuse as to why they should cut him loose.
Then he saw that every chair was filled; the whole council was in attendance. He had not noticed that before (He liked to get there first, himself. He liked how much it put them off). That probably meant that what they were talking about was actually important, or at least they thought it was. His eye went to the queen, sitting almost opposite him. She had been coming to the meetings lately. Maybe that was why more monsters showed up and were trying so hard to look involved. It was certainly why they had started taking half the day, but that was another matter.
It was weird having the queen there. No one had asked her why she suddenly decided to take part again, and she never said. However, Loox knew the reason, though he would never say it out loud: she needed something to keep her busy. The rest of the council seemed to realize this too, and were more than happy to provide her with a distraction. Though, Loox would have liked if they had asked him before stealing even more of his life away.
Whatever, it was for the queen.
Loox could remember asking someone at some point – he could not have been more than a kid at the time – why it was the queen no longer did anything and why no one ever questioned it. It had earned him a hard look and another lecture that began with, "The queen was never asked to lead us. She did so because no one else would. She owes us nothing, and we owe our lives to her. If she wants a rest, she can have a rest."
She certainly looked like she needed a rest. The queen did not age anymore, not for a long time, but to Loox she did look older, more worn. It had been that way ever since Ryan up and left them all without a word to him or any of his friends. And it had grown worse after more of his friends followed after him. The whole thing was eating at her, he could tell. But, she kept it to herself, so no one ever brought it up.
A part of him, the part he kept quashed deep inside of him for the most part, wanted to help her, but how could he? There was nothing any of them could do, not from here, except help provide a distraction. And so he did. Besides, these meetings were not all that bad, not really. Maybe he should start trying to talk more. That should get time moving at a normal pace again. With his abysmal handwriting, he could probably get out of the whole having to write everything down part pretty quickly. Then he could even have some fun with it. Maybe he could even get the queen to laugh more.
Loox had been doing just that for a while now. He spent most of his time when he was not trapped in these meetings with the queen, trying to keep her spirits up. He spent enough time with her that it caused some questions to be asked, questions he made sure to put a stop to very quickly. It was nothing that personal. They simply had something in common.
Most of the time they just talked over tea, about anything and everything. She had a lot of stories built up over such a long life, and learning about it, and to a greater degree the surface, was incredible. It made stories of his own adventures through rundown buildings and dark caves seem paltry by comparison – many of which she had been able to drag out of him, as much as he hated to admit it. Beyond that, they talked about food, made fun of the council meetings (it had surprised him to find out that she shared his opinion of them), and joked the night away. They talked about everything but him, usually.
How long had it been, now? Eight months? Nine? Longer? Loox figured Ryan would have been back long before now. He still had no idea why he even left. He had never deemed fit to tell him, and the queen would not let anything slip either. Well, whatever he was doing, he had better not take much longer at it or he would end up running after him as well. Then the queen would be sure to have a fit!
… He really did hope his friends came back soon. Things were far too dull without them.
"What are your thoughts, Eyewalker?" Someone had said to him.
All eyes turned to him and Loox turned his own to the ceiling before he thought the queen had caught him staring at her. "I agree with Sven," he said without thinking. He was not even sure if old Sven had talked at all that day, but his words caused a number of monsters to start arguing and several others to nod in agreement, so he must have said something right.
He glanced back at the queen while the racket picked up. She giggled behind her hand. She knew he had not been paying attention. She had been able to figure that out the first time they talked after one of these meetings, when she had tried to ask him stuff about it and he failed to give any sort meaningful response.
The arguing went on for a little while – at least that was more interesting to watch than the rest of it – before they all decided to hold off making a decision for another day, as he knew they would. Slowly, they all filed out of the room. Loox and the queen were two of the last out. Loox felt keen to just take a nap where he sat instead of walking all the way home, but the queen walked over to him before he could close his eye.
"You made a very good decision." She told him as she towered over him. "Though, you probably do not realize it." The queen had one of those personalities that were infectious. If she was smiling, others could not help but smile as well. It was a trait he always admired in her, and a trait he wished he possessed himself; it would have gotten him out of a lot of trouble growing up.
Loox shifted to lean back in his seat. "I have no idea what you mean, Your Majesty. Sven made the most sense, why would I not agree with him?"
She laughed softly. "Of course." Loox frowned. It was bad enough that the queen knew about how lazy he was. She did not have to keep reminding him about it. Then, she added, "You have the Dark One's own luck, as Ryan would say."
That was a surprise. Ryan was almost always an off limits subject. Usually she yelled at him for even trying to bring him up casually. She didn't actually yell, of course, just tried to steer the conversation in a different direction quickly. Very quickly. In a tone that reminded him of his mother whenever she tried to tell him to stay away from somewhere. He got the hint.
To have her bring him up was very out of the ordinary. He decided to go with it. "Yeah, Ryan had a lot of sayings like that. None of them ever made any sense, though. I mean, who the heck is a 'Dark One'?"
"I believe he said it was from a book." The queen glanced down at Loox's feet, which he had up on the table by that point. He put them back on the floor and stood up as she started to lead them out.
"He did like to read a lot." Loox commented, trying to keep that line of conversation going. He wondered where it would lead. "And he made it sound like he never had a lack for good stories on the surface. Though, from some of the books he'd told me about, I think humans have far too good of an imagination. And far too much free time. Wouldn't you say?"
The queen nodded, looking ahead of her. "Perhaps."
They were silent as they walked out onto the street. Monsters traveled to and fro around them, going about their lives. Many of them waved at them as they passed. The queen waved back, Loox could not be bothered after the first two or three.
At first glance, the city was still much the same as it had once been. A few more buildings had fallen into disrepair, but there was nothing that could be done about that; life moved on. One could almost believe that the city had forgotten about the human that once walked its streets, but every so often Loox thought he would catch a monster looking up at the top of the stairs leading to the queen's home, wondering if he had finally come back. Maybe it was just his imagination; he did not think so.
The queen was not heading straight home that time, but instead made her way over to the market. Loox let her take her time stopping at the storefronts, but he kept his distance. He had no interest in getting into any conversations at the moment. He had been left with a lot to think about.
Loox considered himself to be a patient monster – you had to be, in order to get away with as much as he did – but he could not help but feel like Ryan had been gone too long. And now that it was at the front of his mind, he could not shake the thought. He had not even realized how far he had pushed it to the back of his mind until the queen had brought it up. What was going on? What was he even doing? He did not have enough information to even garner a guess.
The sight of a familiar Whimsun zipping down the street pulled him from his thoughts. He waved to get his friend's attention before he went by.
"Where are you in such a hurry to?" Loox asked as Whimstwo flew over to him.
The tiny monster glanced up and down the street warily. "You're not gonna rat me out, are you?"
Loox forced a laugh. His friend had been joking about that a little too often lately for him to think there was not at least a hint of belief behind it. The Whimsun refused to admit he was just not as good at getting away with stuff without him around. "Are you trying to tell me that you're actually up to something for once?"
The Whimsun opened his mouth and then closed it again, looking defeated. "No, I'm not," he admitted. "My dad's still keeping too close of an eye on me."
Loox nodded in sympathy. The monster's parents had been hovering over him – literally, at times – ever since his brother had gone after Ryan. The fact that he had caught him alone was actually surprising.
"I see you're still hanging out with the queen." The small monster said, gesturing with his head behind him. "Don't tell me you're trying to leave to."
Loox glanced at the queen. She was bent down, talking with a store owner. She seemed happy enough, but he wondered. "I don't know what I'm doing, to be honest." He sounded a lot more tired than he intended to.
His friend chuckled. "Well, as long as we're both staying out of trouble…"
Loox did not like the insect's tone. He shot his friend a glare. "If I found out you were the one who spread that rumor for a laugh, I will glue your wings to your back."
"Have you heard any news?" He asked, changing the subject.
Loox let it slide. "When do we ever get news?"
"Are you trying to say I should stop asking?"
"No, I'm just as sick of being in the dark as you are."
The other monster let out a breath, drifting up slightly as he did. "Do you ever think they had the right of it?" he asked.
No need to say who 'they' were. "No," Loox told him. "They're more likely to get killed out there than he is. We trusted Ryan enough to keep himself out of trouble while he was here. We need to trust him when he's gone too." To him, it sounded like he was trying harder to convince himself than his friend.
"I get it," Whimstwo said. "It's just getting hard, you know?"
"I know." Loox saw that the queen was moving away from the storefront. He turned back to his friend. "Listen, I gotta go. I'll see you around."
His friend nodded. "Yeah. Hey, you make any progress on getting the curfew age lowered yet? At this rate, we'll be over it by the time it changes."
Loox winced slightly. He had forgotten he said he would do that. "I'll bring it up at the next meeting, promise."
The monster rolled his eyes. "Uh huh, of course you will."
"I mean it!" he yelled after his friend as he flew away.
Shaking his head, Loox rejoined the queen. She had gained quite the haul from her shopping trip. She carried a large basket that was practically overflowing. He offered to help carry some of it, but she said she was fine, smiling down at him again. Did that seem forced to him? No, he was overthinking things. He was almost becoming as bad as a human on that front lately.
It was not until they were almost out of the city that she spoke up again. "Strangely enough, those stories he always talked about give me hope." She said.
It took Loox a moment to realize she was continuing the same conversation they had been having before. "How so?" he asked.
"The mind comes up with different worlds when it is discontent with the real one." She explained. "Perhaps it means there is a chance for us when we finally leave this place."
Her words made him pause. "You mean, like, going to the surface?" Loox decided to try something. "Is that why Ryan left?" He had always had some suspicion that was the reason, but that idea never felt quite right. It was too out of character, unless someone had roped him into it. But the queen would not have, and he could not think of any monster that would, even after that fiasco that happened beforehand.
"No," the queen told him, "but I have the strangest suspicion that it will be a side effect of what he did leave for."
"And what was that?"
"Something equally as foolish."
So, that was all he was going to get then. Oh well, it was more than he had ever gotten so far. The queen stopped once they were at the top of the stairs to her house, turning back to look over the city. Loox followed her gaze. The place still looked beautiful to him, even in its dilapidated state. He would have loved to have seen it at its height, but it was Home enough for him. He could not imagine leaving it, but the idea of exploring the surface always did hold a certain reverence to him. It would be a hard choice to make, if it ever came.
"But, that is enough of that." The queen went on. "There are far more important things to discuss at the moment."
Loox looked up at her. "Such as?"
"Tea, of course." She said as she turned towards her house. "And perhaps something to eat as well." Loox followed after her as she kept on, shaking his head in amusement.
.
Being inside of the queen's house was always a shock to him. Not because he felt that he was undeserving of the honor in any way, but because there was a certain peace to it. It permeated the very floorboards. It was almost off-putting, but he was always quick to get used to it. Being there alone, though, was a little odd. It had been a lot easier to relax when Ryan had been there too. The queen had never said anything about his past antics with or without the human, but every time she looked at him he could not help but feel a little guilty.
"Believe me, I do understand your… temperament when it comes to those meetings," the queen was saying as she waited for the water to boil in the kitchen. Loox sat at the table, staring at the flames that danced in the fireplace. "Remember, though, they do serve a purpose. And your presence there does as well."
"Yeah, well, it seems like my presence just gives them a headache, and me." The amount of glares he got some days was ridiculous.
"That serves a purpose as well." The queen said before the kettle whistled. She ducked into the other room and came back out a moment later. "Different generations often have different views on everything. Having one of the younger generation present prevents them from simply making decisions without at least acknowledging that perspective. They could not without expecting some sort of backlash, at least."
The queen poured the water into a cup in front of him. He picked it up, looking into it as the water began to darken. "Would any of them actually do that?" he asked, more than a little concerned. That sounded a little too underhanded for his tastes.
"No," she assured him. "But it removes the possibility. Sometimes it is that peace of mind that is more important."
Loox took a sip of his tea. It was already the perfect temperature. The queen knew a lot of tricks when it came to fire magic. "Speaking of important," he said as he lowered his cup, "What were they all talking about today, Your Majesty? They all seemed pretty animated about it."
The queen looked into her own tea before answering. A measure of her good mood seemed to slip. Maybe he had brought up the wrong thing. "To petition the king," she said. "To rescind the mandate on humans."
Loox nearly choked on his tea. "They were what?"
The queen smirked. "I bet you wish you paid attention now, hmm?" She seemed to take his stunned silence as a yes. "I was surprised when they first brought it up too. Though, I suspect it had been on many of their minds for a while now. I had thought it would have taken them much longer to work up the nerve, and hoped it would be much sooner."
It was definitely a surprise to him too. "What was Sven saying about it?" He inquired nervously.
The queen's smile widened. "He, and a few others, myself included, argued that we should not hide Ryan's time here with us from him if we were to make the challenge. Though I would say Sven's words swayed those who argued against it the most. As I said, the Dark One's own luck." She took another satisfied sip of tea. "I really should have asked him what that book was called."
"And are they going to do it?" Loox pressed. "Send the petition, I mean."
"Oh, most definitely. There is only the matter of what it will contain and who will bring it to him."
"Do you really think it will work?"
"I do not know…" She said slowly. "On the monster I once knew, yes. But it has been a long time since then." The queen set down her cup and stood to walk over to the bookcase next to the fireplace. She ran her hand along the spine of one of the books, but did not pull it out. "I know I do not talk about why I left, but I also know that it is a reason that is not very difficult to work out. Many here were not there that day, but they know what happened. Because of that, I am sure you understand why I have reason to doubt."
Loox nodded slowly. He had lived his entire life with that practically being taboo. It was weird hearing the queen bring it up. "Perhaps something a bit stronger than tea would be more appropriate today." The queen said softly before going out into the hallway and coming back with a bottle in her hands. She stepping into the kitchen and came back with two glasses which she filled and handed one to him.
Loox took a sniff; it was wine. He was not really one for drinking, he would often say that he acted goofy enough on his own, but it felt impolite to refuse, especially with the mood the queen seemed to be in now.
"Nevertheless," she went on as she sat back down, "I still think it is something we should attempt. I wonder how much it will surprise him. The rest of the Underground probably does not even remember this city." She took a slow sip of wine, staring into the fire. "There are times when even I think it has become a little too separated from the rest of the realm. I should have heard something by now…" The last was barely more than a whisper.
By that point, Loox could not help but ask, "Is everything alright, Your Majesty? What brought this up all of the sudden? Not just the meeting, surely. You would never even let me mention any of this stuff before now."
"Even age old patience runs thin, I guess." She said.
He shook his head. "No, it's more than that." Somehow, he knew that to be the truth. He had been spending enough time with the queen to know when she was holding something back, and this time it felt too important to just let her.
There was a long moment of silence. Loox thought he saw images appear in the flames out of the corner of his eye, but they were gone by the time he looked. Finally, the queen said, "It would have been my son's birthday today."
That gave him pause. He was not sure how to respond. All thought fled from him. Luckily, the queen kept on.
"I still do not know if I am more lost without him than I was when he was alive." She gave a solemn smile as she looking into her wine. "Gorey always thought I was excited to have a child; that I was fully prepared and felt like I knew what I was doing. But the truth was, I was nervous. Could I be a good mother while juggling a whole kingdom? Would my child grow to hate me?
"I always seconded guessed everything I did. Was I doing too much, or not enough? Was I smothering them or was I being too distant? I had no right answers, because there were none.
"After… After what happened, I blamed myself. I thought if I could have done something differently…" She paused, wiping her eyes. Loox wanted to say she could stop, but he could not make himself speak.
"Asgore blamed the humans. And so, he threw away everything we had worked for, for something as petty as revenge. He broke a promise he made to me a long time ago, and I will never forgive him for it.
"I came here, to the place where the first human fell, to try to save any others from what my husband planned. The ones that survived, I treated like my own. I tried to give them a happy life, but they each left." Loox must have the question written all over his face, because she added, "No, Ryan was not the first. He was, however, the first one that I thought would truly stay. It is why I let him go to the city, why I was so lenient on him. But in the end, he left as well… I must really be a horrible mother…"
"No," Loox found himself saying. "You're like a mother to all of us monsters. You've done so much for all of us as queen." He was not sure if it was the right thing to say, but he felt that he should say it all the same.
It at least got her to smile again. "I do not feel very much like a queen these days. I do not feel like I really deserve to anymore. I abandoned my duties, forced myself to not care. And now, I suffer from that which I told myself I would never let myself suffer again: I am worried that something has happened, something I could have stopped, and I do not even know it."
"He's fine." Loox told her. He knew she was talking about Ryan now. "Whimsone and Froggit haven't come back yet, right? Then that means they're still with him."
The queen let out a breath. "I hope so." She finished the rest of her wine and poured herself another. "I should have never let him leave."
"If that's what you think, then get him back."
"It is, unfortunately, not that simple." The queen told him.
"It is, though." Loox argued. "You're still the queen, whether you think you deserve the title or not."
"I abandoned them." She argued in return.
"To be frank, Your Majesty, you abandoned everyone here too. But we all welcomed you in a second when you decided to come back. I'm sure everyone else in the Underground would do the same. Talk to the king, talk to Ryan, get him back, whatever you want to do, you should try."
The queen gave him another solemn smile. "Thank you, but I cannot. Not now; not after everything." She paused and stared at the stairs into the other room. Then, strangely, she started to laugh. "Something had told me, the day I first met him, that he would be the one to break every promise I had made for myself that day. But I cannot break this one."
Loox did not understand what the problem was. If she wanted to go after Ryan, why did she not? But then, why had he not gone after him? Why had he let his friends go instead? It was because he trusted Ryan. It was because he thought he would eventually come back. But the queen did not seem to think he would.
He looked at her as she continued to gaze at the stairs. She looked so… alone. He realized at that moment that he would never be able to understand what she was feeling, but he still felt like he had to try. He owed it to her, and to Ryan.
"You know, I met Ryan in the catacombs too that day." Loox began, drawing the queen's attention back to him. "Don't ever tell anyone I said that." He added, figuring it was alright for her to know since she already knew everything else about him. She chuckled softly, but nodded. "The first time I saw him, I thought he looked completely helpless. Lost, with that broken arm of his; I didn't know what he was at the time, so I thought I'd help him out." He left out the part where he tried to take advantage of his future friend. She did not need to know everything about him.
"I leaned later that Ryan is anything but helpless. He's tougher than anyone I've ever met. I don't know why he left, but I know him well enough to know that it wasn't because of anything you did."
The queen nodded again. "I do not believe so either."
Loox blinked. If that were the case, then why was she trying to stay out of it, unless, "You want to trust him too." She nodded once more, and then Loox understood.
She was letting him go, just like a parent would have to let their kid try to make it on their own. "Have you ever thought about having children?" she asked suddenly.
Loox nearly let out a grunt. "What? Me?" He coughed while trying to recompose himself. "Can't say I have, no," he finished.
"You will learn one day, if you do, that you cannot stop them from making mistakes, from making choices that you think are wrong. It is not because they need to learn for themselves, but because, sometimes, they end up being right. Unfortunately, that outcome is usually scarier.
"As much as I would like to go after him, I cannot. He is the first person I have forced myself to trust in a long time, and I cannot betray that."
"I don't think it's a matter of trust." Loox said. "It's more of just a matter of what you want. When he left, did you tell him you wanted him to stay?"
"Yes, but I don't think he understood why."
"Then you have reason enough to go after him right there. That's not a breach of his trust; he deserves to know the truth. And if that changes his mind, it's up to him. While you're out there, you could even bring the petition to the king. That wouldn't be going against his trust either, because it's something us monsters want. You see? There's always a reason to try. If Ryan taught me nothing else, he taught me that."
The queen was silent for a long time after that. Loox was afraid his words had not worked, he had to admit, they were not very good ones, but they were the truth. Finally, she smiled, it was not one of sadness, but one of the warm ones that she was famous for.
"When we were first trapped down here," she began. "I thought of this place as a prison, and then as a tomb. As we began to rebuild, I started to see it as a home. But now, more and more it seems to me like a cradle. I wonder if we have finally grown enough to leave it."
Loox blinked. "So you're going then?"
"Yes." The queen said as she stood up. Then she paused. "I do not know how long I will be gone, but if it is anything more than a week and I have not sent word…"
"I'll make sure everything stays standing here while you're gone. Don't worry. I'll tell the council you just decided to go talk to the king yourself. It's almost true."
She nodded and went to the door. She looked once more at the stairs in the entranceway and then back to him. Her grin turned mischievous. "By the way, I think you would make an excellent father, Loox."
Loox's eye went wide. "Th-thank you, Your Majesty," he spluttered.
"No, thank you." She said before walking to the stairs and disappearing below.
The house fell silent. Loox remained in his seat for a long time after she was gone. He stared into his wineglass, the light from the fireplace throwing shadows across his face.
Something was about to happen, he knew it. He could not say what, but he had the feeling that one of the most important events in history had just been set in motion by his actions.
That was not meant to happen. He was just a simple Loox. All he wanted to do was goof off with his friends. But that was before he decided to become friends with a human. There was something about them, he was not sure anyone else had spent enough time with Ryan to learn that. There was this pull to him. It was almost impossible to resist, and then suddenly you found yourself stuck in a world where everything suddenly had significance to it. And suddenly the choices you made could affect the entire world. That did not sit right with him. It made it feel like he was missing out on something.
Loox threw his head back, downing the glass of wine in a single go. He cringed as it went down and then set the glass down on the table. "Why didn't I say I wanted to go with her!" he groaned.