I want to write a book. No, scratch that. I want to do more than a book.

I want to be open-minded, creative and awesome. But I'm not. I'm not very open-minded; in fact, I'm not even sure I know what it means. And I'm not creative, never been. Awesome? Yeah, nuh-uh, not me. I can't just have a paper in front of me, pen in hand and pour my heart out on it. I can't create anything in Photoshop, to be honest I'm not even sure I know how to use it (did I even spell it right?). And again with the awesome, no comments.

But the sad part is that I don't think that it will happen. I'm not very good with the grammar, spelling just isn't my thing and don't get me started on the tempus thing. I have every capacity that a writer shouldn't have.

If one thing, I think I'm thoughtful. Not in that way, no, I mean I think a lot. I mean way too much. I also dream too much, and probably see a bit too much too, but that's a whole other story.

I've gone through a lot in my seventeen-year-old life. Much more than other people in my age have, I must say.

My parents fought through the bigger part of my teenage years (to be exact, 9-15. Okay, I wasn't really a teenager the entire time). And I was in the middle of the divorce at fifteen. I have five brothers, which, I suppose, speak most for itself, don't you think? I'm the youngest out of the six children in my family, also the only girl which means, I couldn't really hide the fact that I got my period at the embarrassing age of thirteen, or the make-up I put on my face either, really.

I was a fighter through middle school, most because I had a hard time fitting in with all the pink-clad girls and their carefree lives. It was sad, really. Because I didn't really have a place anywhere, never found my ground to stand on and lean back on. I had a hard time being friends with people because I didn't really have anything to talk about. The only dramatic thing that ever happened in my life was probably when my big boo (2 year older brother) got a fit of rage and my mom and dad and one of the other elder brothers had to calm him down. And really, who would want to hear about that?

I was kind of like an outsider looking in. I wasn't really seen by anybody, and I didn't know how to make people see me either. To say it all, I was lost, confused and completely alone.

Till the day I met Him. Oh yes, there is a him in this too. Somewhere. Tugged in the back of everything, twisting and turning it into something that it shouldn't and probably wouldn't have been.

He saw right through me, through the fear and loneliness. Through everything I hadn't even known I radiated. At first, I was almost brutal towards him. But I mean could you blame me? A boy you don't even know, turning up in front of you just completely telling you he knows everything. Wouldn't your first instinct be kicking him in the guts? Well mine was, and I don't regret it today.

Well, maybe a small part of me, but that part is not big.

Anyway, back to the story. So he became my friend, hater, back to friend, friend with benefit, almost my boyfriend, back to friend and since that, best friend. (I really didn't have to go through all that, because I think you'd understand anyway but whatever.) When I say best friend, I really mean best friend. Or maybe even my other half. I mean, he can read me better than I can understand myself for crying out loud! I'm like an open book to him, like a patient for a psychiatrist. I'm surprised he hasn't dropped my charge yet.

"You, your sex is on fire."

Okay, I might have lied a little before. I don't really know what he is to me at the moment. Actually, since the third time we slept with each other and he decided to change his ringtone on my cell to Kings of Leon's 'Sex on Fire', amusing really.

"Yo."

"You know you gotta stop doin' that sometime, don't you?" I wrinkle my nose at his reply. He wasn't serious, right? That's like the main concept of me being, well, me. If you're unsure who's answering the phone or anything, just listen for the 'Yo' and you'll know it's me, for sure.

"You know, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that and ask you why you called because I'm in the middle of writing my book." Oh, bad lie. This really can't turn into a book, that's just ridiculous. But he's being ridiculous too, so why can't I join in the fun too?

"Oh, excuse me miss-i-am-too-busy-to-talk-because-i-am-so-"

"Just admit that you can't finish that sentence because you have no idea how to end it and you'll spare me the seconds and itching ears." A muffed sound was heard on the other end of the line and laugh, at least I could be certain it is him.

"You're always so nice towards me; it's almost heart-melting."

"Oh, puh-lease. Spare me the details."

"Fuck you. Now, why I really called was to ask what you're up too." I laugh; it is so like him to just call like that with no reason at all. I love it.

"I'm writing my book, why do you think I'm so busy, duh?"

I hear a laugh. "Oh, too bad because I am outside looking in right now and it'd be nice of you to open up because it's actually raining outside, if you didn't notice." I turn around and gasp. He stood there, in his usual clothing, jeans, v-neck t-shirt and beanie, completely wrenched from top to toe, smiling. He is actually smiling.

Of course, as the good girl I've been raised to, I run to my balcony doors and open up to him. Putting my hands over my ears when he starts to sing.

"I'm standing out in the rain-"

"But it's not over, so please don't finish that song." I don't have anything against the Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus, or Nick Jonas for that part either, he's really yummy. But that song really isn't one that I want to hear from his lips, because it means something special to me and brings back memories I don't really want to take part of at the moment. Though he sings like a fucking God. and God please forgive me for using 'fuck' in two sentences together with your name.

"Sorry," he mumbles as he steps into my room and the dripping from his clothes becomes the only sound heard (apart from the pouring rain, of course).

I look at him through my reading glasses. Watch his sharp jaw quiver from the cold, how a raindrop drops from his long lashes down onto his cheek, rolling further down his throat and disappearing in the massive of his soaked t-shirt. Oh God, his white t-shirt. I did mention he was fucking gorgeous, didn't I? No? Oh dear, that is an underestimate. Gorgeous is just the first name. Azure eyes, going darker with different emotions. Tan skin, perfectly glowing. Chest, legs and arms pumped with muscles. Brown hair, making your fingers itch to be free to run through it. I did mention eyes to drown in, right?

And then there is the invincible. The thing that no one can see with their eyes; his heart of gold. And I am not even going to start on that because this book will be all about his golden-heart then, and that was not what I planed at all.

Suddenly I got back to reality and almost jumped back in surprise when the dropping filled my ears again. I felt awkward, didn't really know how to act.

"Uhm, you want a towel?" Without waiting for his answer I ran off to the bathroom. I never thought I'd be saying this, but thank god that I didn't get the room with the bathroom in.

After a few calming breaths and pep-talk in the hallway I walked back to my room. I threw the white towel to him and he, being the captain of the school's basketball team, caught it with such gracefulness it almost freaked me out. When did I become this nervous high school girl around him? Except I am a high school girl, but not usually that nervous. Oh, screw that!

"How is the book coming up?"

"Oh, uhm… well, you know… Good." Jeez, way to go, girl. You just scored yourself another point in the 'dumbest dumbass competition'.

A frown actually formed on his face and he dropped the towel on the floor before he stepped towards me. "Oh just quit the slack, Gabriella. Why are you being so edgy? It's just me, Troy, the person that has known you since… I can't even remember. What's up with you today?"

Well, it's the way my name rolls of your tongue. The way you make me feel when you're standing in front of me completely drenched from top to toe. How your eyes are so dark and sparkly that it actually makes my heart race just a little bit more. The way your bottom lip is quivering from being out in the cold rain. Or maybe it's just you being you.

"I'm just… I don't even know, sorry." I told you our 'relationship' was confusing, I don't even understand it myself.

I crossed my arms over my exposed chest. I didn't have anything else on but my pyjamas, and that is a pair of very short shorts and a tank top. Even though Troy and I have slept together a few times, I'm not and I don't think I'll ever be used to him seeing me with less clothes than my normal jeans and shirt. Though, I'm not really a person to walk around in sweats while the sun is gassing.

Silence hung in the air and I found a new interest in my bare toes, while I could feel Troy's eyes burning into my forehead. But I wouldn't dare to look up. I was already skating on thin ice in the moment, and I knew looking into the darn boy's eyes would just make me crash and completely lose it all.

Two quick footsteps and I inhaled a sharp breath when his voice filled my ear. "You know, for someone I've known for so long, you're awfully quiet."

A blush spread over my cheeks. It was comments like this that made me succumb to him. He knew me and my way of thinking too good to give me the slightest chance of lying to him. Sometimes I laughed at it, I mean come on we're seventeen-years-old teenagers, a boy and a girl. Not even every ninety-nine-year-old couples that have been married for at least half of their life know each other as well as Troy knows me. And as cheesy as it might sound, I can't imagine my life right now if he hadn't came into the picture.

"I…" Lame, very lame. I couldn't even finish that sentence because I had no idea what to tell him without having him running away from me as fast as he came.

Troy's eyes trailed over my face and I felt my cheeks burn even more. I knew that move. When he watched me like that, he actually searched for something, mostly the truth and some how I would always end up saying what I wanted (or didn't want, depends on which way you look at it).

The weird thing is that it actually felt like he saw inside of me, right through my heart and soul. It scares me, without hesitate it scares me to death. I will never be able to lie, never hide anything or do anything to disappoint him, because he will see right through it and in the end I'll be disappointed at myself because Troy's disappointed in me.

"You what, Gabriella?" His voice was so soft, like a band of silk that was flowing effortlessly through the wind. I wanted to reach out and touch it, feel the smooth material against my fingers. It was magical and a shiver ran down my spine.

I looked up into his sapphires and let my own eyes speak for themselves, cause I knew he would understand what they said. Hell it wouldn't surprise me if he knew exactly the summary of my so-called book.

When I sank back into my stool again my head was empty. Like really empty. When I put my petite small fingers on the keyboard nothing seemed to form. Words did not form and transform to my fingers, leaving the document as empty as it was when I first opened it. It was annoying watching it, like it was laughing at me, pointing at me telling me that I should watch out, or Troy would fuck with my mind and I wouldn't have anything to write.

Wrong. I had so much to write about it was ridiculous. But it all circulated outside my control. It was like I couldn't control the stuff going on anymore, like someone had just made an entrance in my brain and totally drawn anything that I knew from it.

"Shit, this is so fucked up," I muttered half-loud to myself, hitting my head on the desk several times.

It had been an awkward hour that Troy had spent here watching the first hour of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince before he excused himself with the words that his mother was probably worried about him because she didn't find him in bed. I knew that was total bullshit because his mom would call if she would want to know where he was, but nevertheless, I was happy he actually tried to come up with something.

Troy was not oblivious to my weird behaviour, and I knew he wasn't, but right now, the thought of seeing him was just completely terrifying.

Damn I need him. I fucking need him in my life. I am not a human person without him. He's the reason I'm sitting here, what the fuck was I doing acting up to him. He knows more about me than I probably do myself, who the fuck was I trying to kid? Without him I'm miserable, I'm a mess, I'm just nobody. Ever since the first day I met him he's been someone to me, even though I hated him then, even though he was just some stranger who was a complete dickhead, he was someone for me. And here I am trying to come up with reasons to not want to have him here with me. Damn I'm bad, I'm seriously bad.

I guess he wanted to give me time, because he didn't call or text the next day. It was kind of what I wanted, since I didn't know about my feelings towards him. Having him as a best friend meant more to me than anything I could describe. If I only had him I didn't need anything else. With him I could solve all my problems, every moment meant new memories to look back on and every smile turned into a laugh. Did I want more than that? Could I even ask for more than that? Sure, we'd slept together a few times and made out a couple of times too but that was almost six months ago. And there had to be a reason why we didn't continue on that path too…

I wanted Troy. No, I needed him. But not as in the need to sleep with him; but as the need to be with him. I wanted to be certain that Troy would stay in my life for as long as my feet walked on this earth. But I also wanted to kiss him, to touch him and feel loved the way a wife felt loved by her husband. I knew that Troy loved me, but as a best friend, so why couldn't that be enough for me?

I could never have Troy, no matter how much I wanted to be with him I couldn't. It was so out of my league; so far away that it just can't be possible. Being with Troy was like wishing that I could be with Johnny Depp, impossible.

He thought he knew what Gabriella had told him two days prior. Even though there were no words spoken out loud, he knew. They'd learned to read things through each others eyes a long time ago and if Gabriella didn't want him to know then she wouldn't have 'said' it.

She was struggling, and he wanted to help her but she was making it so incredibly difficult for him to. It was like his nature to help her through rough times but the way she'd acted lately… it just made him sad. She nearly spoke to him when they met and there was no idea of even trying to maintain eye contact. Maybe it was a sign for him to try even harder.

I lay on my bed with the iPod plugged in to the speakers, blasting Eminem as high as the volume would allow me to. That's why it was a wonder to me how I could even hear the knock on my balcony door. It never accrued to me that I should be scared that someone was on my balcony at such a late hour but I guess I was so used to it that my heart didn't even take a double beat when I stepped towards the doors.

Turning around when the barrier was removed was the only person that had ever climbed up my balcony except from myself.

"Why are you blasting your iPod on full volume at 1am?" Were the first words that were spoken between us.

I looked down, my eyes focused on his denim blue low converse and the tan skin that showed between his black chinos and shoes. She couldn't look him in the eyes because she knew that he'd see the shameful truth there.

"Why are you standing on my balcony at 1am?" I mumbled in reply, still not looking him in the eyes.

Since I wasn't looking at him, I didn't see his next move and was so surprised when he lifted my chin gently with his index finger that I wound up looking straight in to his eyes.

"I asked you first." He whispered gently and the only thing showing on his face was a small glint in his eyes and his lips curving slightly in to a small meaning smile.

When I looked to the side, again to avoid his eyes, he took a deep breath and bent over to turn the music off. The room went silent and all I could think of was what he was going to say or do to me. Maybe he was here to end all this. My heart started to beat uncontrollably.

"Where's your family?" Gaah, so many questions! Couldn't he just end it and put a stop for my misery?

"T- they're on vacation…" I stammered through a mumble, not looking him in the eye again. It was pathetic really; I couldn't even look the boy I needed to be with in the eyes.

There was a silence then. Neither one of us said anything; Troy was watching me, I was looking down at the floor and nothing was heard but pure silence. I thought about what I should do. I couldn't just tell him how I felt, he'd reject it and tell me that we couldn't hang out until my feelings for him disappeared; I couldn't handle that. I couldn't just let this keep going on, it was tearing me apart and by the look of it, it also tore him apart.

Finally, after what felt like hours had gone by, Troy sighed loudly and motioned for me to sit down beside him. He lay down on my bed and I did the same. This time, he didn't ask me to look at him, with his hands or with words; we just lay there staring up through the window like we always did when we talked about serious stuff. It was time to face the future.

"What's on your mind, Gabriella?"

The question held more than the words let out, and so did the answer.

"Everything and nothing."

I could feel Troy move his head slightly to the side to glance at me to see what I meant by that, but I didn't continue, which left him the choice to continue or drop it.

"Are you mad at me?" He then asked after a moment of silence.

"No."

"Then why haven't I seen you for a week?"

"I've been…" Here it was, the moment of truth. I could either lie to him and deny what he was saying and telling him the he must have missed me in the hallways and all those typical stuff, or I could just go with the truth and finally cross the wall that was slowly building itself between us. "I've been avoiding you."

"Yeah, so I've noticed. I just don't get why you've been doing it. It was the night when we watched the Harry Potter movie and you acted so… like you were out there somewhere. I couldn't understand if I'd done something, if something happened in your family or anything at school, and I still don't understand." The muscles around my heart clenched a bit when I heard him speak. It hurt to know that he hurt and it hurts to know that he's disappointed in me.

There was something I had to say before something big happened, something he had to know. "Troy, you're my best friend. I love you so, so much. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you. These words are so cheesy and used way to much, and believe me I wish I could be more creative and come up with even stronger words, but the truth is; they're true. It's hard to imagine how my life would look like without you, it's impossible, really. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and years I get to spend with you are the most precious thing I have. The thing I value the most is you."

Troy didn't turn to look at me; it was an unwritten rule between us to never look at each other when we were in the middle of a deep talk. It was very affective, really. You get to say what you want to say without looking at the other and that's sometimes what you have to do to have the courage to say what you want to say.

"Where are you going with this, Gabriella?" If I didn't mistake myself, I thought I heard fear in his voice.

I took a deep breath. "Troy I… I…" I couldn't do it; I couldn't just throw myself off the earth and expect someone to catch me. Because that's kind of how if felt like what I was doing.

"It's okay, Gabriella. You know you can say anything; it's only me and you Gabriella. Everything will be okay." It always will be. I said to myself in my mind.

For a brief moment when I didn't say something, I felt a movement beside me and suddenly Troy's soft hand gripped my own one; lacing our fingers together sending strength to my body.

"I'm writing a book. I wouldn't say I have a very creative mind, just too many thoughts to keep inside my head all the time. The truth is, my life isn't that exciting at all but I still only write about things that have happened to me. Sometimes it happens that I put some extra glitz and fluff here and there, or maybe end a chapter with a happy note even though in reality it ended like hell. My characters are a lot like real life people. There isn't too much drama, but enough to make you want to continue to read. The storyline is not quite set yet, even though I've already written the end. The middle is so fuzzy and blurry right now, and I don't know where to go from here…"

Troy didn't loose his grip on my hand one single time when I talked and I appreciated it, because I needed the warmth and support that his skin on my skin provoked. It wasn't about the story anymore, screw the book, the only thing I wanted was to be with Troy and that's the middle of the story. It's blurry and I don't know what to do or say.

"You'll figure it out, Gabriella, you always do. As long as you trust yourself you'll figure it out."

And those were the last words spoken between us before a long somewhat tensed yet comfortable silent fell between us. When I think back to that night, I guess we were both thinking almost the same thing; how we were going to travel through the future, if we'd be together or not, if we'd be best friends or boyfriend and girlfriend. We just laid there for hours, staring up at the stars through my ceiling window, joined by the hands.

Things in life won't always turn out the way you want them to, sometimes things just wont happen. Life is not an easy walk in the park. I'd experienced that, but you have to find that one person that's worth all the trouble, all the fights and all the dark moments. When you think it's over, step up again, it might be hard but that's just how the story unfolds; you get another hand soon after you fold.

Hours later, Troy and I had said goodnight to each other and he was about to leave from my balcony. I watched him slowly walk towards the closed doors and open them. I wanted him to stay, of course I did, but right now, at this moment today, it wasn't the right time. Maybe tomorrow, or next week, but tonight just wasn't the night.

"Gabriella?"

Troy turned around again and I looked up at him hopefully.

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever have a feeling when you're near somebody you can barley breath, you get a warm fuzzy feeling when you're with them and when you're away from them, all you want to do is be with them, like you're wasting your time when you're not with them?"

I met his eyes and he held mine for a long moment, neither one of us breaking the passionate stare. A soft and gentle smile lit my face and I nodded quietly.

"Everyday, Troy. Everyday."

Author's note - God, I've been working on this since months and months back and it all came up to this. I just want to get rid of it and stop having the so-not-having-to-do-much-with-the-story-title nagging me every single day!