A different version of this story (with an OC) was originally posted in Nightwing, but this fandom is more active so I decided to change the story up and try it here.
My real job involves the middle ages, so I want to spread awareness of this awesome time period.
Disclaimer: I don't own Robin, Kid Flash, Alfred, or the Riddler. I don't even own the riddles! Obviously, DC owns Robin et al, but you can find the text of the riddles here: www2 dotkenyon dot edu / AngloSaxonRiddles / texts dot htm
Wally knows Dick's real identity!
Riddle Me Medieval
"The fun has arrived," Kid Flash announced, appearing in the Batcave after having teleported there from Mount Justice. He looked over at Robin, who was sitting at the BatComputer. "You rang?"
Robin peeled his eyes from the screen and smiled. "Yeah. I was hoping you could help me tonight. Bruce is out of town, and Alfred," he jerked his head backwards, indicating Alfred, who was standing behind him placidly dusting...something, "Alfred doesn't want me working alone."
"Quite right, Master Dick," Alfred chimed in. "There is no reason to take unnecessary risks."
Kid Flash grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, what else am I going to do? It's either this or homework. Who's the villain?"
"Please be someone cool, please be someone cool," Kid Flash pleaded to himself.
"It's the Riddler," Robin announced, knowing Kid Flash would be pleased. The Riddler was interesting without being too insane. Unlike Joker, he was not the stuff that nightmares are made of.
"Yes!" Kid Flash cried, making a cha-ching motion in the air. "I am so excited. This might actually be better than chemistry homework."
"Nerd," Robin teased. Kid Flash stuck his tongue out at him. Of course, Robin had already turned back towards the BatComputer and didn't even notice. With his tongue waggling, Wally did a little dance, hoping to attract Robin's attention. When that didn't work, Kid Flash announced, "I'm sticking my tongue out at you."
"Duly noted. And incredibly mature." Dick turned and grinned broadly at Wally, though, just to be sure the speedster knew he was teasing. Wally had known, of course, and gave him a thumbs-up.
"Soooo, what are the riddles?"
Robin rubbed the back of his neck. This was a tad awkward. "Uhhh, well, the riddles are a bit unusual this time."
"They are quite inappropriate," Alfred interjected. "Downright salacious."
Kid Flash's interest was certainly piqued. "Well, I have to see them now."
Robin handed him a piece of paper on which he had printed the riddles. Kid Flash read through them quickly and paused. Something seemed familiar about these riddles; he felt like he had heard them before. Closing his eyes, Kid Flash reached into the far recesses of his memory, back where he stored school information that was not related to science. He saw his English teacher droning on about "what came after Beowulf" and he began laughing.
Robin shifted uncomfortably while trying to hide a grin. To be honest, he had thought the riddles were pretty funny, too, but Alfred had been scandalized and he didn't want the faithful butler/grandfather to think he had a dirty, puerile mind. Apparently Kid Flash had no such qualms.
"The Riddler didn't write these," Kid Flash finally said in between bursts of laughter. "These riddles are almost one thousand years old. These are translations from a series of Anglo-Saxon riddles from the Exeter Book."
"Exeter book?"
"Yeah, it's an Anglo-Saxon manuscript, so named because it belongs to the library of Exeter Cathedral. These riddles are classic; we studied them in school." He started to laugh again. "Alfred's people created these dirty riddles."
"My people! Humpf," Alfred replied. He attacked his dusting with renewed vigor, but Kid Flash and Robin could detect a glint of humor in his eye. Scandalous riddles written by the Riddler were awkward. Salacious riddles written by Anglo-Saxons were ... asterous.
"So you know the answers?" Robin asked/stated hopefully.
"Teeeeeechnically there are no answers," Kid Flash paused in order for Robin to give him a "you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me" look, "but scholars have come up with proposed answers."
"Thank God," Robin breathed. "I hope the answers are ... uh, not what they seem."
Kid Flash grinned wickedly. "Oh, no. They are exactly what they seem. In ten minutes, we'll be in a sex shop, fighting off the Riddler with dildoes."
Robin looked horrified, although he wasn't sure if he was more horrified at the prospect of fighting a villain in a sex shop or just merely aghast that Kid Flash had used the word dildo in front of Alfred. Just because Wally could mention those kinds of things in front of Barry didn't mean that was common talk around stately Wayne Manor.
Kid Flash laughed. "Dude, kidding. Of course, they have regular answers. Geesh."
"And those answers would be...?"
"Well, now, let's see. Our first riddle is:
'A small miracle hangs near a man's thigh,
Full under folds. It is stiff, strong,
Bold, brassy, and pierced in front.
When a young lord lifts his tunic
Over his knees, he wants to greet
With the hard head of this hanging creature
The hole it has long come to fill.'
The answer is key."
"I should have known," Robin smirked. "No guy would describe himself as merely having a small miracle."
"Now, now, humility is a virtue. Anyway, the next riddle is:
'I heard of something rising in a corner,
Swelling and standing up, lifting its cover.
The proud-hearted bride grabbed at that boneless
Wonder with her hands; the prince's daughter
Covered that swelling thing with a swirl of cloth.'
And the answer is," Kid Flash paused for dramatic effect "bread dough!"
Robin punched some information into the BatComputer. "So we're looking for a bank."
"Hey, Riddler could be robbing a bakery," Kid Flash suggested with a smile.
Robin rolled his eyes, annoyed. "Not whelming."
"The Wall-man was feeling the aster."
Robin turned to face Wally, hands on his hips, in a gesture of mock seriousness. "You know, Kid Stealing-My-Trademark, it would really help if you could be a bit more chalant about this." Robin fixed his friend with his best Bat-glare and tried not to smile.
Although Dick's Bat-glare was good, it wasn't enough to scare Wally. He was pretty immune to Dick's version by now (Batman, of course, was a whole other story). "Someone got up on the wrong side of the nest this morning."
Then, before Robin could reply and continue these shenanigans, the computer beeped. The Boy Wonder turned to look at the results. "We've got two choices. Key Bank in downtown Gotham or Sicaman's Savings and Loan in the Key Building – also downtown."
Kid Flash paused to think. "Let's go with Key Bank, I guess."
Robin shook his head, whipped out his holograph computer and started tapping away. "No, too easy."
"Too easy! You call deciphering thousand-year-old riddles easy!"
Robin smirked. "Well it must be, KF, if you knew the answers."
In retaliation Kid Flash lunged at Robin, who, cackling, easily flipped out of the way. As he perched on a shelf in the cave wall, he suddenly shut down his computer and announced, as he somersaulted to the floor, "Let's go to Sicaman's."
"Any particular reason why?"
"Well, sica is Latin for dagger, and, if you think about it, the answer to that key riddle could be knife sheath."
"Totally!" Wally agreed, English class rushing back to him. "In fact, a less popular answer to the key riddle is dagger sheath. I can't believe I forgot that!"
"And Sicaman's hits both answers," Robin stated, pleased. "So, I'll drive?" He gestured towards his gleaming Robin-Cycle. Wally's eyes bugged out in panic.
"Aww, hell, no. I'm not riding on a motorcycle with you. You're thirteen! You probably drive like a maniac. I'm older; I'll get us downtown."
"You're not old enough to drive either!"
"I'm closer than you are!"
"It's my city!"
"You asked for my help!"
"Yeah, but if you drive, it will be a disaster – heavy on the dis."
"Well, I'm not gonna drive. I've got more efficient forms of transportation."
Robin paused, incredulous. "What? You're gonna pick me up and carry me downtown?"
"Sure. It's one of my moves."
"It's almost twenty miles!"
"Then I guess I'll need a snack first."
In a mere five minutes, Wally had managed to completely clean out Dick's special reserve supply of Batcave snacks.
After wiping away the remains of his feeding frenzy with the back of his hand, Wally announced that he was ready to go. And without further ado, he snatched Robin, and tore out of the Batcave.
Alfred just sighed and shook his head. Sometimes it was a wonder those two accomplished anything when they worked together. On the other hand, it warmed his heart to see people who actually enjoyed life as much as those two did. It was a welcome change from Bruce's dark moods. Given the choice, Alfred would rather have mangled English (asterous and dude being just the tip of the iceberg) than gloomy brooding. Not that he wasn't going to deeply enjoy the peace and quiet that had just descended on Wayne Manor; oh no, he was going to relish that while it lasted.