Finifugal
For fifteen years, I've been sending
love poems to you
I still haven't received a reply
I still haven't received a reply
—Fifteen Tenacious Years of a Pertinacious Boy, Hatsune Miku (trans.)
February 14, 2001
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
The winter snows are finally giving way to the spring; how have you been?
This might seem a bit contradictory to what I was telling you, but here I am, Chitanda Eru, writing you a letter that you might never read. Strictly speaking, this might not constitute a present, so maybe family tradition might forgive this gesture, but then it might be a bit bolder than just giving you chocolate and calling it obligatory.
Oreki-san, would you feel happy if you receive this? Why do a person's emotions always have to seem like such a mystery to another? I cannot stop thinking about it.
We have spent almost a year in the Classics Club, and our labor has certainly given rise to a bountiful harvest. There was the case of my uncle Sekitani Jun, the film of class 2-F, and the huge cultural festival. We have, if I may dare to say so, become more and more close-knit as a club and as a group of friends.
It's unusual saying this, considering the date, but perhaps giving this to you would be quite odd for a girl. Please do excuse my straightforwardness, and take care of yourself.
Sincerely, Chitanda Eru
April 2, 2002
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
Again, we find the trees on the Kamikakiuchi mountainside blossoming one by one. I hope you are well.
Oohinata-san is certainly an interesting addition to the Classics Club. I'm glad that we have straightened out the little matter of her withdrawal of the application form before everything became final, because she is a nice person, and Mayaka-san and I are very fond of her. It's quite embarrassing to hear her call us all "senpai"… I still haven't adjusted well to the idea of being anything other than a first year student, and now I find that our second year in Kamiyama High is already drawing to a close.
Time is certainly fast—and next year, we'll be the respected graduating class. I think it would be quite interesting, but also a bit frightening… Everyone will have high expectations of us. What will be in store for us in the future? Will we be ever to relinquish this cherished Classics Club to anyone, even Oohinata-san? I cannot stop thinking about it.
I hope you take care of your health, as it wouldn't do for you to catch a cold again like what happened last year. I do apologize for that incident, but I'm glad you did consume the orange jam I brought for you back then. It is an excellent remedy.
Sincerely, Chitanda Eru
April 29, 2003
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
The first flowers are beginning to push out of their buds as slowly and surely as little children tasting their first of the world. I hope you are doing fine, as the final exams are steadily approaching.
I have already confided in you about my plans in college, and I have already taken the exam in Gidai. Gifu City is quite far from Kamiyama City, about three hours away by train, so I shall have to take a dormitory somewhere near the campus. I am certain that in the first few weeks, I shall be very homesick, but always, in the back of my mind, there will be that little, warm thought that it will all be worth it in the end. We all have to sacrifice something sometime. They do say that Gifu City is quite lively, compared to our little Kamiyama. I cannot stop thinking about it.
For now, I am trying not to think about going away from my hometown, but then this letter might be the last time I'll ever have the freedom to express my fears and hopes. I might never see you all for a long time, so I am quite hesitant to wake up each morning and think, "There are only such a number of days left before we all separate."
I think of all of you as important, as there is the unshakeable fact that you three, Fukube-san, Mayaka-san, and you have helped me greatly in my trivial problems. However, each day is a beautiful one, and even as time flies past too quickly, I love being able to spend each afternoon with the people I love. (Ah, if that just now was too forward, please excuse me. It embarrassed me as well to write that straight out.)
Now that I think about it, I wouldn't have met Fukube-san and Mayaka-san if you hadn't joined the club yourself, and for all of the things that you have done for me, consciously and unconsciously, I write these words.
Oreki-san, thank you.
Yours, Chitanda Eru
January 20, 2004
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
Here I am, writing to you for the first time on my little study desk in my Gifu dormitory. I hope that everyone back in Kamiyama is well and safe.
Life in Gidai has been quite the uphill battle. Erratic schedules, temperamental professors, strange faces, and constant asking about where places were… it almost overwhelmed me in the first days. However, now that my second semester is approaching its close, I have already adjusted well to college life. Everyday becomes more fun. I once participated in a debate about rice production against a classmate from Gero City, named Ueno Makoto-san. I won in the end, but thankfully he was nice about it and we became friends after that. We always compare notes about Kamiyama and Gero and couldn't agree on which city was better, as we host some of the most beautiful festivals in Japan and Gero has their share of amazing hot springs.
I hear from Mayaka-san that Fukube-san has taken up courses in the fine arts in some university in another city, while you have taken up courses in the literary arts in the community college. I wonder if it would be too much to ask you to write a poem for me…? Just kidding. However, I cannot stop thinking about the possibility, so…
Anyway, please take a break from studying once in a while. Good rest alongside hard studying is essential for a student.
Sincerely, Chitanda Eru
February 19, 2005
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
It is certainly cold here in Gifu City, and the heavy snows still aren't letting up as I take my pen to write these words. How are you faring?
Last month, I have just celebrated the coming of age festival back in Kamiyama. I've been twenty for a while now, and the fact makes me feel old. What about you? Your birthday is earlier than mine, so I guess you have already acclimatized to the idea of being an "adult".
I've worn my furisode for the first time. It's quite hard to walk in it, as I have to take care to raise my arms in such a way so as not to tread on my sleeves. It's a present from my parents, and it has come down every generation in the Chitanda family for the eldest daughter. As I am an only child, it is not very complicated, but maybe if I had a younger sister, she would certainly have envied me this particular furisode. It was a heavy lilac silk patterned with sprigs of Japanese yew, the iconic plant of Kamiyama City.
I saw Fukube-san in the festival. I would have complimented him as he was in his formal wear, but my parents had been near, and I had to try to not speak to my male friends too intimately, as they might misinterpret. It was a stiff three hours for me. It seemed to me as if the whole Chitanda-Sekitani family came to see me in my furisode. I didn't see you anywhere. I wonder if you and Fukube-san met up later.
I have heard that you are doing well in college. I had no doubt that you have a natural streak in writing, as you have always been quite observant and considerate of your surroundings. What would be your first work outside of university? What might I feel when I see a book in the store with your name on it as author? I cannot stop thinking about it.
Now, please take care of yourself. I've heard that you were quite overworking yourself lately—that won't do. Please rest occasionally.
Sincerely, Chitanda Eru
April 25, 2006
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
The rain is pounding against the windows and I couldn't sleep, so I decided to just write this like I do every year. It has become somewhat of a tradition for me, even when I have never actually sent you one of them. It's silly, but somehow I make believe that you have read all of them even if you do not reply in real life.
How are you? I guess you're gritting your teeth against the wind and rain every morning to school. I hope the weather lets up after some time, I do so like walking in the nearby park every afternoon.
This might not interest you in the least, but it seems that father has arranged a party with the Manninbashis next week. It's a sudden event, but as it falls on the weekend so that the Manninbashi children and I could attend without sacrificing school, it isn't really troublesome for me. It seems they are determined to have everyone in, as the Manninbashis and the Chitandas have been quite good friends over the years, and it's a pity for anyone to miss it. Personally, I haven't seen the second son, who was a childhood friend of sorts, for quite some time as he attended high school in the city, so I might as well get excited for it and say "I cannot stop thinking about it".
You know Juumonji Kaho-san, right? Apparently, she's studying in Toudai. I haven't known until now because I was caught up in my own life, but it certainly shows how brainy she is. I'm happy for her.
Anyway, this letter is full of stuff that you might not relate well to, but please excuse me, I haven't had anyone from Kamiyama to discuss these things to. Mayaka-san's phone calls are few and far in between. I suppose she is terribly busy.
Take care, as always.
Yours, Chitanda Eru
P.S. It might come without this letter attached to it, but I have again sent you some orange jam for your cold. It's not Mille Fleur this time. (I wonder if you still get the inside joke. I wonder how Oohinata-san is doing, by the way?) Please get well soon.
February 14, 2007
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
Seeing the date, I should probably greet you a happy Valentines' day, but other than that, I'll skip the formalities and say that I have seen your first novel in the store, and it gave me a good feeling when I picked up a copy and saw your name emblazoned on the cover.
I bought it and read it in the bus on the way back to the dormitory. It is excellent and quite nostalgic, and would it amuse you to hear that I was delighted with the fact that I could remember all of the events that you have written in it? You did veil the identities of the real people that inspired the story, but I recognized what happened when we uncovered the mystery behind the "Kanya Festa".
I did note the title of the novel… were you intending it as a shout-out to us Classics Club members?
I can't stop smiling, and yet when I learned that you had been admitted to a publishing company in Tokyo, my homecoming has been a bit spoiled. How ironic, isn't it, that the person that I have thought to be the one constant in Kamiyama City will suddenly leave for the big city? However, I am happy for you, Oreki-san. If only I can gather the strength of mind to mail these letters to you so that you won't feel lonely… but these letters still manage to abash me…
As usual, please look after your health.
Yours, Chitanda Eru
P.S. I hope to see you next month at Fukube-san and Mayaka-san's wedding. I'm looking forward to it—Mayaka-san looked so happy when she went to give me my invitation. It would be lovely, as it coincides with the cherry trees blossoming over the river.
January 10, 2008
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
I'm sorry for saying this all like this, without the intent to send this to you. I am such a weak-hearted person, after all, even when everyone tells me otherwise. I can never face my emotions head on… Sometimes, I envy you for managing to stay quite unperturbed in the face of upsetting events.
Sometimes, I wanted to send all of the letters that I have written to you. However, sometimes, I bitterly wanted to just lock them up in their box and never look at them, just to suppress all the hidden emotions that I have weaved in every character, every inch of the stationery that I write them on. Sometimes, I feel as if I open that box, all the feelings that I have sealed in the envelopes along with the slips of paper inside would come back to me and swallow me up.
I admired you as a person that always has an answer for my every question, and yet, when that same person was the mystery, I am quite at my wits' end. I don't want to talk about what is proper and improper, but… I'm afraid that my impending marriage to Manninbashi Takehiko-san is already decided, and as a woman of the Chitanda clan…
I'm afraid that I still cannot stop thinking about you, but that is why I'm still writing these, right? I am still entranced by the brilliance of the Oreki Houtarou who entered that room one afternoon to free me from a room that I had unwittingly trapped myself in, the Oreki Houtarou who discovered the truth behind Hyouka. But perhaps, now, you don't have the key that will unlock the cage of Chitanda Eru to free her from her duties to her family.
Because, I always think, "What about my family?" It is true that we have been dealing with some severe blows as the crops that we harvest during the past years were slowly dwindling, and a marriage that will tie the Chitanda and Manninbashi families will benefit us in the long run. I am an only child, so I cannot shirk my responsibilities that easily. However… However…
Please, if there was any chance that you shared my feelings, please, understand me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Chitanda Eru
August 17, 2009
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
If it is normally impossible that I couldn't hold one more drop of happiness because of the joy that is welling up inside of me, today is the day when it is possible, even with the heavy heat.
And yet, seeing your tall, straight form when I opened the front door was quite shocking and joyful for me.
When did the Oreki-san I know become so, so adult-like? The last time I saw and talked to you properly was on our graduation day almost five years ago, and you couldn't have been that tall already, couldn't have possessed that deep voice. You seem as if you have been through a lot. I wonder if something has happened during the four years of my fragmented absence in Kamiyama. However, you still have very warm eyes, the color of a rice field in summer.
Was it possible to contain in this piece of paper all the sentiments that I had wanted to show?
Please don't let this be a dream.
Yours, Chitanda Eru
July 4, 2010
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
The scent of the early blossoms is subtle in the air, and I am writing to release all of the feelings that I have yet to acknowledge on paper.
I'm already twenty-five, and yet I still blush like a little girl whenever I remember that day last year—the way when you grabbed my hand and told me that I shouldn't marry a guy that I didn't clearly love that way. I think that look suits you the best, as I have never seen your eyes more alive than they did in that moment. It really reinforced the fact that you do feel emotions as well as other people do.
Maybe I should record what happened that day, even with the doubt that this letter would ever leave my hands, but the way that you gathered your courage and told me the words I wanted to hear from you after being apart for so long has given me strength as well.
You told me in that sweltering summer heat how only people in novels actually get their lives handed to them on a platter, and that if I wanted to, I could change what was decided for me. You also reminded me why I pursued studying in the university, that I could save the Chitanda family with my own hands.
When you told me what I should have already known, somehow, I felt really stupid.
How could I have forgotten what I had been reaching for in the first place?
I couldn't remember what exactly happened, but I had a confused recollection of crying in front of you. I must have looked like how I felt—wretched and disillusioned.
The summer was warm, but when you took my hand and told me that I should create my own story, I felt even warmer, which couldn't have been possible in my normal state of mind.
And like an unspoken agreement, maybe the hand that you stretched out for me was the confession that I had been waiting for.
Oreki-san, how could you do that? Express all your sentiments in just a single, gentle squeeze? I cannot stop thinking about it.
When I broke my wishes to my parents, they smiled and embraced me, as if they were actually waiting for me to break the arrangement myself. They said that they were proud to have a strong daughter (which I didn't really believe until I felt how hard it was to tell them this) and that they would talk to the Manninbashis themselves. Takehiko-san was disappointed, but he told me that maybe this was part of the reason why he liked the idea of marrying me.
Oreki-san, again, thank you.
This letter is getting long… pardon me.
Yours, Chitanda Eru
August 21, 2011
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
Remember the date, for this is when we confessed to each other. And yet, it was quite unlike any other confession that I have ever read in novels.
I think we just sort of kissed on the Tooji bridge, and that was it. I might never remember who had actually moved first.
It's funny how we never actually said that we were going out aloud, and yet everyone just nodded and seemed to take the fact for granted. It was as if it just sort of made sense that we'd go together. I wonder how to feel about that, happy that everyone is in favor of our relationship, or embarrassed that they had somehow seen it coming even before we did…
Now that we are actually going out, I wonder if writing these letters has any use…
However, it has become a really important habit of mine, writing to you every year, and it seems to be a waste if I don't continue. If you ever find these letters, then you will know what I felt in these ten long years. Up till now, I cannot stop thinking about you.
I wonder if this will somehow end up in your hands someday?
Yours, Eru
April 30, 2012
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
The cherry blossoms have already shed their petals, and once again you have turned a year older.
You now have twenty-six years of experience in living in the world, and the tenth anniversary of our first meeting back in the Classics Club room has already passed. Can you believe it? We've known each other for ten years—and yet, when you are on the wrong side of a ten-year period, it all seemed quite so quick, like a dream that you have just awoken from.
Sometimes, I get calls from Mayaka-san saying that she was happy for the two of us, and yet sometimes she asks me why, of all people, I had to fall in love with you. I don't think she meant it to be mean, because sometimes I do ask myself why you had fallen for me as well. It was quite natural—everyone asks themselves questions like that when they fall in love and it gets requited.
Without my name, I'm not anyone special. I have good grades and they say that my manners are perfect, but I think that that's not what matters most in life. I am weak, and indecisive, and easily distracted from my goals. I never had that strength of mind that you, Oreki-san, often displayed when figuring out things. I guess that's why I feels strongly attached to you—you have something I don't.
"I don't do anything I don't have to. What I have to do, I do quickly."
I noticed how Fukube-san and Oreki-san each have mottoes. I never really had the mind to commit to one, and seeing how you two tried to stick to what you have sworn to be, I found it amazing that high schoolers of my age could think of becoming so dedicated like that, even if it was trivial to the eyes of adults. I'm rather rambling about commitments here, but then, I cannot help but remember the promise you gave me before.
We have quite different natures, haven't we, Oreki-san? I think you don't like it when I drag you around to places, and I don't like it when we just sit somewhere and do nothing. So, following that, one really has to wonder how people even fall in love, even if it was just a question of hormones and heredity.
However, isn't our case quite unusual, yet poetic, to not need a staunch reassurance of love every time? I cannot stop thinking about it.
Yours, Eru
December 25, 2013
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
It's quite cold out today, I wonder if you are tucked inside your kotatsu once again. An Oreki-san sleeping inside a kotatsu with just his head sticking out is surprisingly cute. The sight reminds me of a crab for some reason.
You know, I fell into the bad habit of always twisting the ring that you gave me on my finger, as if I was subconsciously checking if this arrangement was real, or merely if I had lost it. I think it's quite an important symbol for a woman. I wonder when that Western tradition of giving rings to a fiancée became the trend, but I think it's a nice gesture. They say that a physical representation of an abstract concept strengthens the existence of that concept, and I agree. Never a day passes when I glance at the ring on my finger, smile, and then go back to what I was doing and feel that the day has gotten a bit brighter.
I sound like someone who is quite lovestruck, so pardon me for sounding quite unlike myself. However, I wonder if you're going to be pleased to know that I am lovestruck… I cannot stop thinking about it.
Rest assured that you will never regret asking me to be by you.
After all, being the only child of the Chitanda clan may be a burden at times, but it has taught me how to be strong in the eyes of my loved ones. And now that the time for that surname to fade from my name is nearing, I hope that I at least retain the values that my mother had taught me.
Happily yours, Eru
June 23, 2014
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
They say that when it rains during a sunny day, somewhere, young fox spirits are getting married.
I am not sure about yourself, Oreki-san, but I might as well reassure you that I am not a fox. However, even if the two of us are not fox spirits, the fact that a shower fell on the day of our wedding is quite the sight to behold. I had never seen a sight so beautiful as that bright light stretched across the sky after the rain. I might have soaked the hem of my white kimono with mud for a bit, but at least no one minded.
And Oreki-san, you were quite nervous all throughout (which never fails to amuse me whenever I remember Satoshi-san teasing you about it), but at least, we finally had that kiss, right? A kiss that had been put off for so long, it had practically its own history altogether.
I'm sure that no one left unsatisfied. We had a good harvest this year, after all—literally and figuratively. However, it still feels weird for me whenever anyone from work addresses me as "Oreki-san"… I guess that familiarity with my new name will come with time, but for the meantime… it is weird.
Tomoe-san has begun to teach me how to do some kind of foreign dish… it's quite fun and educational. Having her as a sister-in-law is, I guess, one of the best bonuses that came with our marriage… I have always wanted a sibling. And Tomoe-san is really perfect. Perhaps too perfect to bother finding someone like her, as you married before her… but it can't be helped, she's a very strong-willed person. No one might be good enough for her.
Meanwhile, back on the topic of the name, maybe I should change the way I call you… Now that I know quite a lot of Oreki-sans, perhaps I should call you "Houtarou-san" instead. It might be a bit awkward for me first, but I'll try my best.
So, Houtarou-san, please take care of me from now on. Even if you cannot read this letter hidden in its sealed envelope.
Yours, Eru
February 14, 2015
To Oreki Houtarou-sama,
The sleet is getting worse by the minute, but I hope you are well enough to read this letter. Even if, like all the others, I might never find the courage to actually mail this to you.
Looking back, it has certainly been an interesting fifteen years of my life. Once, I have told you that wherever or how far I went, I would always become rooted here in Kamiyama City. Now that I'm writing this on my desk in the house, I would say that it has been so far correct. However, I do not regret coming back here to the land of my fathers. My heart is yet to change about this matter.
As is in the matter of my feelings for you. It's quite funny to me now, as I am no longer the teenaged Chitanda Eru, but for years, I have written a lot of love letters to you. This is the fifteenth letter, and I still haven't had a reply. (Perhaps "love letters" are pretentious of me. My letters certainly don't read as if I am writing to the boy I love.)
It's selfish of me to complain, as I haven't really sent any one of them to you, but if you will excuse me, Houtarou-san, why is it that it makes me feel quite hollow? I cannot stop thinking about it.
So, if I have to do something to make me feel better, I have thought that I'll place this under your pillow. I hope for a favorable response.
Maybe I'll finally make this a proper love letter and actually say "I love you."
Sincerely, your Eru
March 14, 2015
To Oreki Eru-sama,
Maybe this is the first time that I have ever replied to your letters, but this is certainly not the first time I considered writing to you like you have done.
I would say that I have written you a lot of letters, but that would be a lie. After all, what I have written you instead is a single, very long message in the form of a book—my first novel.
Poor stuff as it is, I am happy to know that you have read it. As this is my attempt to immortalize our high school selves, consider it the proof that I could never, ever forget the Chitanda Eru I have known back in those days, fifteen years ago.
That book is a labor of love for me. As embarrassing as it is for me to say that, I couldn't really deny the hours and days and weeks and months of agonizing over the details of our story, and it is only with Satoshi's and Ibara's help that I had managed to piece it so accurately. It is a story of a boy who was coaxed out of his shell by an impossible, beautiful girl, and while I may have never expressed it aloud, I did eventually fall in love with her even before she realized her feelings for me. So, yeah, this might be a love story fifteen years in the making.
(It is amusing how fifteen years ago, I would never have dreamed to write something as mushy as this. My father is right—marriage does change people.)
Yours, quite literally, Houtarou
P.S. I'll be keeping those letters I found in the box under the bed. Of course along with the one under my pillow as well.
P.P.S. Silly, I love you as well. If that was as favorable a response as you were expecting.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
It's funny since it's just 2014 at the time that I published this. Anyway, if you guys needed clarification about the whole thing, feel free to ask me and I'll answer them. Houtarou's reply was written on White Day, March 15, as Eru's was written on Valentine's Day. If you don't know what White Day is, Google is there to help you.
HEADCANON: Oreki Houtarou = Yonezawa Honobu (yes, the novel in question is Hyouka, the light novel, but the inconsistency I did not bother to pat down, my eyes are too tired)
This is an attempt in fluff. Anyway, there might be some inconsistencies (especially about the slight OOCness I could detect, but hell, people change over time), but I might not be bothered to check up on them for a while. I need some rest.
Please drop a review (I live for 'em) and check my profile for more stories. Beyond the Lines is taking a short break, or my brain might accidentally explode from the amount of details I need... Sorry for rambling.
The "orange jam" reference was from Volume 5. Doesn't really matter if you haven't read it, but the way Houtarou and Eru dealt with their new club member (the "Oohinata-san" mentioned in passing) was pretty interesting and quite amusing in its own right...
If you are looking for Volume 5 translations, here you go, lucky reader. Check their Tag Directory link: hyouka-rangers. tumblr. com