Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.
A/N: Hey guys, this is the sequel to the two shot 'Hurt' but you don't need to have read it because it can also be a stand alone. You have been warned, there is a lot of dialogue and truthfully I should have read through it one more time to clean it up but ignore the mistakes if you can :)
One Day
"You're pushing me away Jay. I can feel it." My voice sounds broken and my hand drops from his arm.
Jay's been cold and distant since he took a phone call at Molly's last night, he woke screaming from nightmares in the early hours of this morning and has barely exchanged a word with me all day unless they were about work.
"You push me away too Erin, now you know how it feels." He tells me bitterly.
"Oh, so this is payback?" My voice betrays me by cracking with hurt.
"No. Of course not Erin... I just. You push me away too. I guess it's how we're built." My eyes sting with unshed tears.
I drop my head to look at my hands avoiding his eyes, which are full of so much pain.
"I became this way after being born into bad news... never having someone I could rely on. Except, eventually Hank. But certainly never a man romantically. This is all new and I try Jay. I really really try. I feel like I'm getting better."
I look up to seek his eyes out, tears betraying me by falling down my cheeks.
"Yeah you try." Jay nods softly at me.
"You're so much better at this than me Jay, emotions and feelings and expressing yourself... I take my cues from you. I learn from you." My hand reaches back to his and I grip it tightly.
"Except on this subject Erin. Afghanistan is locked away inside." Jay bows his head.
"I wish you would let me in." I bring a hand up to rest on his chest, feeling the rapid beating of his heart.
"I want that too, Erin. I've been asking for years. But hurt keeps piling on in your life and it's getting harder to dig you out. You need to deal with some of it." Jays hand reaches for my cheek, his thumb running over my smooth skin once before gently tracing the frown lines on my forehead and then finally resting in my hair.
"You really want to know everything Jay?" I ask unable to keep the anger from creeping into my voice at his hypocrisy.
"Yes Erin. Everything." Jay's blue eyes bore into mine, coaxing out my secrets.
"If I tell you everything you won't look at me the same. You won't love me anymore. I'm sure of it. I'm ashamed of a lot and the way you look at me now... I can't explain it but I don't want to lose it. I can't lose you and if you know everything, I will. You can't handle it. You don't want to hear it."
Tears are pouring down my cheeks and I'm having trouble sucking in fresh air, willing myself to keep the sobs at bay.
"Erin, nothing will change the way I look at you. That will never be different. I will always love you." Jay's eyes are pleading and conveying as much honesty as he can.
"I know you believe that Jay." My eyes drop to the floor.
He kneels in front of me and cradles my face in his hands, making me look at him.
"I love you Erin. Do you hear me? In our time together I've seen and heard plenty of things and I've read your CI file and I still look at you… like you're my whole world. Because you are, and that won't ever change."
Jay places a soft kiss on my forehead before resuming his position staring into my eyes.
"I hate that you have suffered and you continue to suffer. I hate your dad who you don't know and I hate Bunny so much and she shouldn't get the title of mother and I hate everyone who ever took advantage and scarred you. I really hate Charlie for making you think you love him when you were just dependent on him and grateful someone was looking out for you... even when he was looking out for himself. I've never hated anyone like I hate the people who screwed up your life. Because you're beautiful and kind and generous and have so much love to give. Your heart is pure and I'm so lucky to have your love. That won't change."
By the end I'm sobbing into his shoulder, eventually I pull away to look into his eyes.
"What about Afghanistan?" I whisper breaking the moment, needing an escape.
Desperately wanting to turn this around.
"You won't look at me the same either. You can't love me the same."
"Sounds like what I said. I wish I had your words, but I can't express my feelings like you can. But simply put, I fucking love you. More than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I know I will love you until my last breath. Life is short... we see that daily so I need to let you know. I will always look at you like you're my savior. Because you are. I wish I could let you continue in silence, pushing it all down... I wish to God I could continue too. And maybe if it wasn't affecting us... but shit keeps happening that drags us back into our past. We get crushed and we pull away from the other to cope but we need to talk about it. We need to heal and to do that, we need to share with the other."
Jay's trying hard not to cry when I lean my forehead against his as I whisper more promises.
"This can be our safe place. We will share and love and heal. So when things happen that throw us back to a rough time in our life, we can talk about it and it will get easier. We can't keep going like this... it's going to break us and we'll snap. If we don't act, it's going to get worse not better."
"Okay" he whispers quietly shocked by my words.
"Okay" I whisper back.
"I love you." I whisper against his lips before kissing him passionately.
"I love you too. Always." He kisses me again.
"Always." I promise him back.
We share a smile as we get comfortable on the couch.
"I guess I'll go first." My words are shaky and tears want to continue their run down my face.
"I've got you, babe." Jay's hand wraps around mine.
"Okay... growing up Bunny had boyfriends... some thought I was attractive and would make me feel uncomfortable. Some would hit me. I can't remember a time I felt love... I grew up watching Bunny get high and completely forget I existed. Those were the good times... I felt lonely and unimportant." I let out a sob before shaking my head and resolving myself to be strong, thinking back to all the times I used my strength to make it through.
"I felt like I didn't deserve love, but it was still better than when she remembered I existed. She would say horrible things when she was high. Let her boyfriends do horrible things. I remember when I was twelve and going to a school dance in an old dress, her and her boyfriend were drunk and body shamed me. That day I stole a dress from a store, I just wanted to look… feel pretty."
Jay's hand has gradually been getting tighter around mine and his eyes are conflicted, between wanting to offer me looks of support but hidden behind that is rage directed at those who have hurt me.
He looks like he wants to strangle each and every person I'm speaking of and simultaneously reaffirm his love to me and remind me I deserve all the love in the world.
His intense stare speaks volumes.
"It was 4th of July weekend, I was nine and I found Bunny overdosed on the kitchen floor. I knew if I called 911 I would be taken away. So somehow I dragged her into the bath. I don't know how I managed... then I added ice and sat on the floor praying she wake up. I was so scared." My voice cracks and he pulls me into him and kisses my hair.
"She finally woke up and she looks at me... and says 'where's my cigarettes Erin?'" I stop to let out a bitter laugh.
"Baby." Jays voice is barely a whisper as he brings me into his lap.
"When I was 15 she didn't come home for a few weeks, I ended up at a shelter and the lady who ran it was so lovely and caring. I will always remember her and her kindness. But I couldn't stay, I would end up in the system."
I swallow hard and fidget in Jay's lap, not wanting to be in his arms when I open up about the next chapter in my life.
"Not long after that I ended up on the streets, when winter came it was hard. I found Annie... I knew her from when I was younger but we lost touch. I fell into her gang... Charlie took an interest." I feel repulsed at the thought and the things I did for him.
Jay's grip increases and I can almost feel the anger radiating off him.
"Charlie is one lucky son of a bitch he's locked up right now, if he ever comes around here when he's out..." Jay trails off but I know what he's thinking, it's in line with Voights thoughts.
Charlie should be at the bottom of the river.
"Jay, it's not who you are."
"You'd be surprised." I hesitate with the rest of the story but Jay reigns in his anger and focus' back on me.
"He kept me fed and warm and in a Chicago winter I was thankful... he got me hooked on drugs. I always swore I wouldn't after seeing what it did to Bunny but he told me it was that or leave. So I started and I couldn't stop, after a while I needed it to cope with the things Charlie had me doing, to earn some money. We... were together too I suppose. He was with Annie as well and Annie was with... well you know that story." I look up and catch his eyes and he nods at me.
"Then one day Hank was the one to arrest me, I had a record... minor stuff. He worked me as a CI and I needed cash so I went along with it. He grew to have a soft spot for me so he gave me his card and told me if I wanted to get clean and have a different life he would help me get it. But I figured I wouldn't like the strings that came with that offer. I didn't like the strings with Charlie..."
I refuse to meet Jay's eyes, the shame too much.
"A few weeks later I was back with Bunny because she reappeared and I was hopeful maybe it would be different this time. It was good for a few days… then she was craving for a fix one morning, I borrowed money from Hank to get her one and right after I gave it to her, she threw up all over me. The water was shut off so I went to school like that... the teacher thought I was an alcoholic and I copped to it... to protect Bunny." Another bitter laugh escapes my mouth and one of Jay's hands is wrapped tight at my waist and the other clutching my hand, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on it.
"I approached Hank a few weeks later and he took me in, he got me clean, he chased Charlie out of town and he showed me what it was like to have a home. Camille showed me a mum could be selfless. One year she spent her Christmas money on a beautiful dress for me... it was a step up from my rebellious attire and I loved her right in that moment. We made a nice family, I got my education and I joined the academy. I wanted to serve the city that saved me. The city I love."
Jay can sense my opening up is coming to an end tonight.
"But I refused to allow any man into my life in that way, never having serious commitment. I had seen too much. Apart from Hank and Camille who treated each other wonderfully, I didn't feel I was worthy of that love and I didn't want the heartache. Then you came along and... I knew right away this would be different. I fought it at every turn, using Hank and my job as an excuse until I couldn't deny it any longer. Hank didn't want me to get hurt... he could see it was different with you. That you were someone who I could fall for and get hurt by unlike other men in my life... then he realized that this was meant to be and I needed you, so he came around. We got his blessing. I don't take you for granted Jay. I want you to know that. I've never been able to open up to anyone like I have with you. I trust you." I look into his eyes and cry in relief when his look is the same as when the night started.
Full of so much warmth, love and admiration.
"I love you Erin. You are the strongest woman... person, I have ever met. I knew your life was hard but... to hear all that, I'm so proud and thankful you survived and found your way to me. I want to best the crap out of Bunny and Charlie and all of her boyfriends that laid a hand on you. If I ever see them..." he trails off and I lean in for a kiss.
"Thank you for listening and still looking at me the same. Thank you for being here."
"Thank you for telling me." He presses another gentle kiss to my lips.
A/N: Leave a review with your thoughts and I will get Part 2 up which is Jay's turn to open up.
I'm working on oneshots for 'A shot heard round the world' and 'You wish', if you have any requests let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Thank you :)