Prologue:
Colonel Sheppard found himself revising the thought that informing the family members of servicemen killed in action was the worst part of his job. As he stood in the bright Southern California sunlight in his dress uniform staring down at the coffin in front of him, he began to think the worst part of being the commanding officer for the Atlantis Expedition's military force was this right here. It was a beautiful, sunny day with perfect waves that anyone would love to tackle with a surf board. It was a day for picnics, outings, and just general fun.
It was the day he buried one of his closest friends of the last seven years.
While someone who didn't even know the man droned on about his eternal soul, Sheppard's eyes were drawn to the white marble headstone. It was exactly like a million others he'd seen in his lifetime. It was just like the ones he'd seen when he'd buried his friends from his tours of duty in Afghanistan. Even standing here beside the casket and staring at the headstone didn't seem to make it real. A tiny part of his mind still wanted to deny it. The rest of him was just numb.
.
EVAN LORNE
LT COL
US AIR FORCE
MAY 6 1970
APR 18 2012
BELOVED SON
BROTHER UNCLE
.
He was pretty certain it was going to take more than a bottle of bourbon and a night out on the East Pier back in Atlantis to get over this. For that matter, Sheppard wasn't sure he even wanted to go back right now. He almost feared what it would feel like once the reality of the loss settled in. He knew returning to Atlantis would make it bluntly clear that his friend and second in command was gone. He could already imagine the thousands of ways he would be reminded that Evan wasn't coming back from this one.
And the fact that he had died saving Sheppard's ass yet again wasn't helping. Struggling to bring himself back to focus on the present, he felt himself hearing those words over and over again in his head.
"It's been an honor, sir. Now get our teams out of here, John! I don't know how big this…Son of a—"
The last thing he heard over Lorne's radio was the man screaming before the explosion, visible even from above the complex in the Jumper, as it silenced his friend's screams forever.
After that, Sheppard wasn't quite sure how he got through the rest of the funeral. Part of his rational brain said it was no different than any of the other funerals he'd attended. But the unfounded guilt he'd always carried around screamed that it was very different. Evan had been a friend and not just a fellow officer. Somehow he managed to get through it, though. Feeling it appropriate, John gave his friend's empty coffin one last salute, before turning to leave.
Halfway to his car, a woman's voice just behind him shook him out of his dark thoughts. Turning, he found himself staring into watery blue eyes set in a face that was so familiar it almost hurt. Evan's twin sister, Emily. Forcing back his thoughts, he returned her greeting with a brief nod for her boys, Kevin and Alexander.
"Colonel, I know you and my brother were friends. He told me this sketchbook was inspired by some sci-fi game stuff you two enjoyed working on in your free time. I know he'd want you to have this."
Not for the first time Sheppard felt like he'd been punched in the gut. He had never been one to keep mementos beyond the occasional picture; and even those usually wound up buried in a box after a while. He also knew he couldn't refuse it. The moment his hand touched it, he just checked out. Still wrapped comfortably in his numbness, he thanked her, got in his car, and briefly entertained the notion of throwing it out the window on the freeway.
Still running on auto-pilot, Sheppard began the journey back to the SGC and, eventually, home to Atlantis…minus one brother in his unofficially adopted family.