Sparky the Fabulist

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Sparky ends up losing his book report for English class in an absurd fashion, but his story convinces no one and he soon develops a reputation in school as a liar. Meanwhile, RK decides to tutor Jaylynn in math, but her rapid progress causes RK to become jealous.

1. Sparky the Fabulist Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 7

EPISODE 25

Airdate: April 28, 2019

"Sparky the Fabulist"

#TYH723

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster walk into school one day.

BUSTER: So, that's when I realized that eating pizza gives me dragon breath. I'm gonna have to make some changes.

SPARKY: Well, when you're done eating pizza, why don't you just pop in a Tic Tac or some Mentos?

BUSTER: I don't wanna have to start following rules when it comes to pizza. That's not the way life was meant to be.

SPARKY: You know, I'm glad we can talk about stuff like this. Helps take my mind off all the homework we get.

BUSTER: You're telling me. Can you believe the report Mrs. Bernstein gave us last week?

SPARKY: I still can't get over it. But the good news is, she's been working us so hard lately, she'll start going easy on us.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Mrs. Bernstein's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

Mrs. Bernstein writes "Incoming Book Report" on the whiteboard.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Okay, class, your next assignment will be a book report.

Sparky and Buster groan.

SPARKY AND BUSTER: Noooooo!

BUSTER: What are you, an idiot?! DAMMIT, BERNSTEIN!

The camera pulls back to reveal this as a thought bubble in Buster's head. He chuckles to himself.

BUSTER: I'm so extra when I daydream.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: This report will be a little unusual compared to others we've had this semester. Not only will you be turning in a written report, you're going to have to present it orally.

SANNA: Orally?

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Yes. You'll have to come up here where I'm standing and give a review of the book you've had. Half your grade lies in the oral presentation.

SPARKY: I can't believe this. It's bad enough that we have to get more homework, but an oral report to go with it? I don't know what to do.

BUSTER: There's only one thing we can do, Sparky. We drop out of school, and get those part-time jobs at Wendy's like we always talked about.

SPARKY: You always talked about that with RK, not me.

BUSTER: Oh. Well, why does it feel like you were there?

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

RK is at his locker when Jaylynn walks up to him sighing heavily.

RK: What's up, Jaylynn? Doing your best Ashley impression?

JAYLYNN: No, I was just...thinking about things.

RK: Oh yeah? What kind of things?

JAYLYNN: Oh, you know, the usual things. Pollution, the government...

Jaylynn takes a look at the palm of her hand. Cut to a shot of her palm which reads: "The shortest distance between any two points."

JAYLYNN: The shortest distance between any two points?

Cut to RK.

RK: That's a straight line, and what the hell are you doing talking to your hands?

JAYLYNN: Hey, I'm not talking to my hands. You must be talking to your hands. And just when I thought we could talk about...

Jaylynn looks at her other hand.

JAYLYNN: What the square root of the remaining side of a right triangle is equal to.

RK: I think we should talk about how disgusted I am that you can't be subtle for one second.

JAYLYNN: Okay, fine. I'm really starting to fall behind in math class and I need you to tutor me.

RK: Please, it can't be that bad.

JAYLYNN: Here's the results of my last quiz.

Jaylynn takes out her last math quiz from her pocket and gives it to RK, who almost looks sick.

RK: Ugh. You know, Jaylynn, I think with most tests, you're supposed to try and get the questions right.

JAYLYNN: You're adorable. Look, can I get your help with this or not? If I don't get it together soon, I might flunk the class.

RK: Hey, flunking is what builds character. It's what everybody in the struggle goes through.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but see, I actually want to graduate this school with you guys. Lord help me if those third graders start invading my personal space.

RK: Look, Jaylynn, I would love to help, but I don't tutor for free.

JAYLYNN: You've never tutored anybody.

RK: See? I already have enough self-respect to set my price.

JAYLYNN: Okay. How about twenty bucks an hour?

RK: Seems like a nice chunk of change. Alright, I'm in. Finally, I get the opportunity to take an unsightly piece of coal, put it under pressure, and watch it turn into a beautiful diamond.

Beat.

JAYLYNN: Who the hell you calling unsightly?

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

At home, Sparky is already hard at work trying to write his book report on his laptop. Bitch Clock walks downstairs.

BITCH CLOCK: I just had a dream that Janet Hubert made peace with Will Smith. Does that mean anything?

SPARKY: I think it means you should stop watching so much VH1 and go get a job.

BITCH CLOCK: I already have a job, man. In fact, I'm like the Frank White of Seattle. People come to the Marriott begging me for a job.

SPARKY: Sure, they do.

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, I bet you're just living it up as a ten-year-old. What's exciting about your life? Eating ice cream and trading worn out baseball cards?

SPARKY: Actually, I'm working on a book report.

BITCH CLOCK: But you already turned in an English report last week.

SPARKY: How did you know that?

BITCH CLOCK: Because you spent an entire week complaining about it. I wanted to turn you off, but you were like one of those radio stations that always knows where to find you.

SPARKY: Well, it gets worse this time. Not only do we have to write a book report, but we have to do an oral presentation too.

BITCH CLOCK: Oh no, public speaking? Dude, you can't go up there, you know you're terrible at speaking in public.

SPARKY: Since when?!

BITCH CLOCK: Wait, that was also in my dream. But you'll be okay. All you need to do is remember a couple tricks to get you in the mood.

SPARKY: I'm not imagining anybody in their underwear.

BITCH CLOCK: And you shouldn't. That was just a trick gay people used back in the day to hide their attraction. Look, what you need to have is an air of superiority around you. You're the speaker, which means you know everything and the listeners know nothing.

SPARKY: What if they know I don't know everything?

BITCH CLOCK: They don't have to as long as you don't let them find out. When you're giving your report, they can't say anything. Even if you have no idea what the hell you're talking about, if you flash a winning smile and use big words, they won't even notice it.

SPARKY: Let me guess. You've used this trick before?

BITCH CLOCK: Had to. It titillated my lady friends. Remember, a stupid person needs to know they're stupid when they hear someone speak better than them. Now that I think about it, no wonder you hang around Buster so much.

SPARKY: I'm not friends with Buster because he's stupid!

BITCH CLOCK: We all have friends who don't have everything there. Bottom line, you keep doing what you've been doing for years and you'll ace that report.

SPARKY: I don't know. It just feels too overwhelming.

BITCH CLOCK: Then try to make it more underwhelming. Go where no man has gone before, kiss the sky, eat peanut brittle.

SPARKY: Could you stop getting drunk before seven?

BITCH CLOCK: I'm just buzzed, give me a little credit.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is preparing his coffee table for his study session with Jaylynn. KG walks downstairs.

KG: Hey, what's going on here? Anna coming over?

RK: No, I'm tutoring tonight.

KG: Wait, you? Tutor?

KG slaps his knee and begins cackling as RK blankly stares at him.

KG: Oh God. Oh God, you're tutoring kids!

KG continues cackling.

RK: It's a shame how you laughed harder at that than you do with your own jokes. And come on, I'm one of the best math students in the fourth grade. I got skills.

KG: How come those skills never translated to your other classes?

RK: We all develop at our own pace!

KG: Yeah, right. Who are you tutoring anyway?

RK: Jaylynn. She called in a favor. It was either this, or she fails school and begins selling soup cans from a shopping cart to support herself.

KG: She said that?

RK: I paraphrased all of that, but I know what she was getting at.

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Jaylynn are watching TV later on.

JAYLYNN: You gotta be kidding me. I'm here so I can get tutored, and you're over here watching TV? Really?

RK: Jaylynn, don't you remember what happened ten minutes ago? You walked in here, you sat down, I told you to open up your math book, and ten minutes later, you still haven't.

JAYLYNN: Oh. Yeah, that might have been a thing that I was supposed to do.

RK: Look, what are you scared of? It's math, it's not going to kill you.

JAYLYNN: I just want to say, it's freaky as hell hearing you talk about school like that.

RK: Believe me, I started wondering if I was getting brain damage when I actually looked forward to math class. But I don't know. It's the one class that doesn't require a lot of work. It's just numbers and statistics and theories and shit.

JAYLYNN: Dude, it's probably the hardest class you're going to take in school.

RK: Oh no, you're talking about science. And believe me, you shouldn't go near me for tutoring in that subject because...no.

JAYLYNN: See, that's classic RK. Okay, so where do we start?

RK: Tonight, we start with a simple word problem. Here we go. *begins reading from math textbook* "Prudence and Hope each bought nine cherry lozenges for a total of 27 cents. Chastity bought six pulls of Laffy Taffy for a dime."

JAYLYNN: Seriously?

RK: What?

JAYLYNN: No one's going to buy six Laffy Taffys for a dime. They cost way more than that.

RK: I don't think the people who made up this problem give a shit about that, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Well, they should. It's inaccurate.

RK: I'm gonna continue now. "Chastity wanted to trade a Laffy Taffy for two of Hope's cherry lozenges, but Prudence thought this wasn't fair. That's when Chance came through with a bag of Mounds bars costing one penny apiece. How much candy does Chastity need from Chance to make it a fair trade?"

JAYLYNN: Chastity's dumb as f***. Why doesn't she just give two Laffy Taffys to Hope?

RK: Because her Laffy Taffys are special and she only wants to give up one.

JAYLYNN: Well, here's an idea: Stop begging your friend for candy like a bum. You want cough drops, take your ass to Walgreens.

RK: Jaylynn, I don't think you understand the point of this word problem.

JAYLYNN: No, I understand. I just think the people who wrote it have no idea what an actual person would do in that situation. I'm out.

Jaylynn packs up her stuff and walks towards the door.

RK: Man, we barely did one problem and you're already quitting?

JAYLYNN: Yes. I didn't mean to waste your time, but I just think math isn't my thing. I'll see ya.

Jaylynn leaves the house.

RK: I don't get it. If she quits now, she's never gonna learn anything. Oh, that's what it feels like on the other side.

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The next day, Sparky is at his locker when Buster walks up to him.

BUSTER: Hey Sparky, you want to go to the park after school?

SPARKY: No way. I need to work on my book report.

BUSTER: But it's perfect playing catch weather! You're just gonna pretend that it's not?

SPARKY: Look, Buster, I have to nail this report. It has to be written well and explained well in front of everyone. What if I forget my speech? What if I don't go in depth enough on what I read? I might need a jacket and a tie.

BUSTER: Maybe you need a straitjacket.

SPARKY: Oh yeah, thank you for taking this seriously.

BUSTER: I'm trying to help you. You always do this, Sparky. You spend all your time stressing out over homework when you don't need to. I mean, even Einstein took time to smoke cigars and wash his suit. Sure, he was naked, but at least he was relaxing.

SPARKY: Why would Einstein smoke cigars naked?

BUSTER: Because he only had that one suit. He didn't like worrying about clothes.

SPARKY: You mean, he had multiple copies of the same suit?

Beat.

BUSTER: Look, either way, it wouldn't hurt to put a cigar in your mouth.

SCENE 8

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

At lunch, RK and Wade are eating together.

WADE: So she really gave up after one word problem?

RK: She didn't even try doing the word problem. It was ridiculous. All those years you've spent trying to get me to care about school finally sunk in last night.

WADE: So, you're going to start caring about school?

RK: I think you misunderstood me. I'm talking about Jaylynn, Jaylynn's the one I'm worried about.

WADE: Well, what are you going to do? Somebody needs to help her.

RK: Don't worry, man, I have ideas. I've made a living out of getting my way through psychological manipulation. I play with the minds of kids and pull them in the direction of my choice, whether they like it or not.

WADE: Are you...are you going to try choking Jaylynn?

RK: What? No! Why the hell would you think that?

WADE: Because half the time, you use metaphors and speak in code. What do you expect me to think?

RK: You're a sick boy.

WADE: And you're a strange boy. We're all weird in our own way.

At that point, Jaylynn walks up to the table.

JAYLYNN: Hey guys. RK, I just wanted to say sorry for walking out last night. You know how it is.

RK: Of course. I've been you before. It's not easy to admit you're not good at something, but the important thing is, you did it anyway.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, because...wait, what? I just walked out because I was...

RK: Jaylynn, Jaylynn, Jaylynn. Lil Jay Jay, you don't have to explain yourself to me. I get it. I like to think that you and me are mirror images of each other, so you should understand that I don't judge you. You just don't have the juice.

JAYLYNN: I don't have the juice?!

RK: Nope, doubt it. Some people are good at math, others aren't. In your case, you're the kind of person that needs to wear a helmet when you do math, but you can't help what you are.

JAYLYNN: You little prick, you got some tutoring years ago and now, you think you're the king of math?! Well, I'll show your ass. I'm coming back to your place tonight and by the time we're done studying, you're gonna need to wear a helmet when you do math.

RK: Sounds great. Same time tonight?

JAYLYNN: Damn right. I'm going to go get my lunch. *gets up, begins talking under her breath* Little ass white boys thinking they can play with my name like that. I'm from Portland, they don't even know.

WADE: Couldn't you have just told me that you were using reverse psychology?

RK: Nope, that ruins it. I like putting my own spin on things, it makes me happy.

SCENE 9

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is on his laptop after school, tapping his pencil on his mouse pad repeatedly. He then looks at his pencil.

SPARKY: What the hell am I doing?

Sparky tosses the pencil aside and continues typing. Halley walks into the house.

SPARKY: Alright, Halley, you're here. I need your opinion on something. Be honest. Which opening line is better for my book report? "In the book Treasure Island..." or "Treasure Island starts with..."?

HALLEY: I don't get the difference.

SPARKY: It's a subtle difference. One gets to the point quicker, the other one eases you into it so you know what you're in for. I have to pick the right one.

HALLEY: I don't know why this is a big deal for you. You've done thousands of book reports before.

SPARKY: Yeah, but not like this. This one is also an oral report. I don't want people to fall asleep while I'm reading.

HALLEY: Okay, I have the solution for you.

SPARKY: Really, what is it?

HALLEY: Hang on, it's in my bag. I've been using this ever since I lived in Brooklyn.

Halley takes out a spray bottle filled with water.

SPARKY: I don't know how Windex is supposed to help me with my report.

HALLEY: No, Sparky, this is a trick to make people pay attention to you. If you see people sleeping or on their phones, you just spray them with some water. That way, they listen to you better.

SPARKY: That's ridiculous. How am I going to make people...

Halley sprays Sparky with the bottle.

SPARKY: I'm saying, how am I going to...

Halley sprays Sparky again.

SPARKY: Halley, I love you, but I think you made your point.

Halley sprays Sparky a third time.

SPARKY: Tell me everything about your day.

HALLEY: You still don't believe it?

SPARKY: Wow, that thing's amazing. Hey, maybe I can use other things in the bottle, like hot sauce or orange juice.

HALLEY: No, don't do that. If it gets in anybody's eyes, they're going to kick your ass for trying to blind them. And then I might kick your ass for not using my idea right.

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, RK and Jaylynn are studying for real, but Jaylynn looks confused as she goes through a problem.

RK: Jaylynn, it's a simple two-step equation. 2x plus 6 equals 12. What's the value of x?

JAYLYNN: I don't know. Six?

RK: Once again, no. See, what you gotta do is subtract six from both sides, which will then leave you with...

Jaylynn groans.

JAYLYNN: Good Lord, I'm going to drink poison if this doesn't end faster.

RK: I don't get it, Jaylynn. You wanted help and you're not even trying to take it. When I'm having problems in school, I don't go ask for help.

JAYLYNN: Well, not everyone can do things on their own.

RK: What's wrong with you guys misunderstanding me? I know I don't give a shit about getting help, so I never ask for it. In your case, it just comes off as hustling backwards.

JAYLYNN: Look, I can't help the fact that I'm weak sauce when it comes to math. Sometimes, in class, I'm okay, but when I go back home, and actually try doing the work, it's like the numbers are in a foreign language.

Beat.

RK: Hey, you're a Demi Lovato fan, right?

JAYLYNN: Dude, this is no time to ask about my favorite music! I'm going to fail this class!

RK: But to confirm, you're a Demi Lovato fan, right?

JAYLYNN: What do you think?

RK: Okay, so how many albums does she have?

JAYLYNN: Bro, on some real shit, I'm getting mad.

RK: Answer the questions I ask you.

JAYLYNN: She has six albums! Six! You want to know the years each of them were released too?

RK: Nope, that won't be necessary. I just think it's interesting, you know. She has six albums. And that's what you get when you subtract six from twelve. Six.

JAYLYNN: You know, I can just smack you right now and call it a day.

RK: Wait a minute. You know all the years her albums were released?

JAYLYNN: Yes. 2008, 2009, 2011...

RK: Stop. From 2008 to 2011, she released three albums?

JAYLYNN: Yes.

RK: And that's half the albums she's released?

JAYLYNN: Yes, you jackass.

RK: So, what's half of six?

JAYLYNN: Three.

RK: There you go, the value of x. Congratulations, Jaylynn, you just did some math.

JAYLYNN: Wait, what? So all those questions were just your weird mind games again?

RK: Correct. See, Jaylynn, sometimes, people learn better when it's something they relate to. You love Demi Lovato, and you knew she had six albums. All you had to do was get to the answer.

JAYLYNN: That's crazy. I want to do more math. Teach me your ways.

RK: In due time, Hernandez.

JAYLYNN: You know, I actually want to point out that Demi has six albums, but she might come out with something this year depending on her personal life and you don't care about any of that, do you?

RK: You were able to get the answer, so I'll let you ramble if you want.

SCENE 11

("Mathematics" by Mos Def plays in the background)

A montage starts up showing Jaylynn's newfound interest in studying for math class. RK's methods involve appealing emotionally to Jaylynn through the music she listens to, using artists such as Demi Lovato, Paramore, Nirvana, and Janis Joplin to help her understand the problems in a simpler form. Meanwhile, Sparky is hard at work on his book report, and the only times he's not busy writing it, he's practicing his speech for the oral report. He mumbles different ways to say his words and begins timing himself to get the presentation done faster. At one point, he uses mouth exercises, which Bitch Clock sees and causes him to retreat upstairs. It all culminates in a scene at lunch where Jaylynn is working on math problems at a rapid pace while RK admires her enthusiasm. On the other side of the table, Sparky is once again doing his mouth exercises while clutching his report. This causes Buster and Wade to look at each other, and then at the camera, with confusion.

SCENE 12

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

On the morning of the due date for the reports, Sparky is doing push ups on the floor when Buster walks in.

BUSTER: Sparky, you're going to get your school clothes dirty if you're on the floor like that.

SPARKY: I'm just pumped, man. Today's the day we present our book reports, and I feel limber. I feel brand new. I feel like I could wrestle a panda bear and tie him up with my teeth.

BUSTER: I always hated pandas. I'm pretty sure it's the crazy eyes that get me. Anyway, where's your report?

SPARKY: Over here on the coffee table. I've gone through nine rewrites, a whole bunch of ice cream and Mountain Dew, and at least two nights where I barely slept, but it was all worth it.

BUSTER: Whoa, nine rewrites? They should hire you for The Simpsons.

SPARKY: They would never hire me. I don't qualify for social security.

At that point, a wind comes through the house and literally blows Sparky's paper out the window. Sparky's jaw drops as Buster stands around, oblivious to what just happened.

BUSTER: Hey, is it me or did it get kinda chilly just now?

SPARKY: DUDE, MY REPORT'S GONE!

BUSTER: Wait, really? How?

SPARKY: It just blew out the window! We have to go get it!

BUSTER: You're right! We don't have a moment to lose!

Buster gets a running start, then dives out the window while screaming and lands in the bushes. Sparky gets a bored expression on his face.

BUSTER: Son of a bitch, there's a bee in here!

SCENE 13

Sparky and Buster are running through the streets of Seattle in the attempt to catch Sparky's report.

BUSTER: Are you sure this is where your report went? Because right now, I just feel like I'm exercising.

SPARKY: I know what I saw in the sky. All we need to do is wait for the report to come down and then pick it up before any cars run over it or any dogs...you know, mark their territory on it.

BUSTER: Wait a minute, I see it! Oh no, that's not good!

SPARKY: What? What?!

BUSTER: It's headed straight for that garbage truck!

Sparky's report lands right in the middle of the garbage inside the truck.

SPARKY AND BUSTER: HEY! STOP IT! SIR, HEY, SOMEBODY STOP THE...

Sparky and Buster begin to get overwhelmed by the exhaustion of running, and that, combined with the smell of the garbage truck, causes them to begin coughing and then collapse on the ground as the truck drives away. The "Let It Roll" instrumental briefly plays in the background as people begin rushing to Sparky and Buster's aid.

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster look defeated as they finally arrive to school.

SPARKY: I can't believe this. I spent all that time working on my report and it's gone. What the hell is Mrs. Bernstein going to say?

BUSTER: Don't worry, man. You're one of the golden ones. She can't say anything to you.

SPARKY: Are you sure?

BUSTER: Of course. Everybody knows you wouldn't lie about not doing your homework. If you just tell her what happened, she'll understand.

SPARKY: You know what? You're right. We both know what happened today. I have nothing to hide. When Mrs. Bernstein sees that, everything will be just fine.

SCENE 15

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Some time later, Sparky and Buster are confronting Mrs. Bernstein outside her classroom.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Sparky, I'm very disappointed in you. It's not like you to make up stories.

SPARKY: Wait, what? You don't believe me?

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Well, let's see. Your report just so happened to get picked up by the wind on the day it was due, it was in the sky for a large amount of time, and it ended up landing in a place where you knew you couldn't retrieve it.

BUSTER: That all checks out to me.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Sparky, it's one thing to not do your homework, but to lie about it is even worse. I'm failing you for the assignment.

SPARKY: What? No, you can't do that! I'm telling the truth!

BUSTER: Mrs. Bernstein, can't you look the other way? Sparky's not lying, I was with him when all of this happened.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Buster, one time, you said you couldn't study for my test because of an impending alien invasion.

BUSTER: I wasn't thinking straight that day! You can't hold it against me!

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Well, if you boys are so sure you're telling the truth, maybe we can take this to the principal's office.

Mrs. Bernstein turns around and sees that all the kids have gotten out of their seats to watch the events through the classroom door's window.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: I'll fail all of you if you don't sit back down!

The kids immediately rush back to their seats.

SCENE 16

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster are seated, facing Mrs. Bernstein and Principal MacGregor.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Boys, I don't even know where to begin. This is beyond anything I've ever heard you two doing.

BUSTER: What about the time we ran that soda business behind your back?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Buster!

BUSTER: Come on, you were setting us up for that.

SPARKY: Principal MacGregor, you know that I would never try to get out of doing an assignment. I know my story sounds really weird, but it's the truth.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I have a hard time believing that, Sparky.

BUSTER: But he's not lying. I was with him when everything happened.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Let me reiterate, I have a hard time believing that. Sparky, since you created this story, you have to deal with the consequences. That's why I'm considering giving you indefinite detention.

SPARKY: Indefinite?!

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: That's right. Every day until I say so, you're going to be in that room after school. Unless you just admit that this was all a lie.

SPARKY: I can't do that, sir.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Look, I don't want to punish you, Sparky, but it's not worth keeping up this charade. You get nothing out of it.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Listen to the principal, boys. He's giving you an out.

SPARKY: It's not about keeping up anything. It's about the truth, and whether you believe it or not, I'm telling the truth.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Well, you leave me no choice. Sparky, starting today, you're serving indefinite detention. Buster, I don't have the energy, so Mrs. Bernstein can think of an appropriate punishment for you.

Cut to a shot of Buster's forehead.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Dude, now's the time to save yourself. Throw Sparky under the bus, tell them he put you up to it.

The camera pans down to Buster's face.

BUSTER: You know that's not true!

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Okay, I do have the energy, I just don't want to do anything about you. Does that make you feel better, Buster?

BUSTER: No, sir, I was just thinking about something. Sometimes, my brain doesn't know when to shut up.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Why don't you shut up for once?

BUSTER: Make me!

SCENE 17

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are talking by their lockers.

RK: And that's why it's gonna be a long damn time before I take Anna back to the batting cages.

WADE: I guess Adriana was right. She really does go insane with a bat in her hand.

Jaylynn runs up to the guys.

JAYLYNN: Guys, guys, you have to see this to believe it.

Jaylynn shows off her latest math test marked with a grade of 90.

JAYLYNN: Auntie Jaylynn's back at it.

WADE: A 90? Talk about improvement.

JAYLYNN: I know. But I can't take all the credit for it. Jaylynn rests her hand on RK's shoulder while pretending to cry. If it wasn't for this guy, this...this guy that I'm finally proud to call my friend...I need a moment.

RK: Wait, you weren't proud of me before?

JAYLYNN: Eh.

RK: Well, I'm glad I could help you get this grade, you little weirdo.

JAYLYNN: Thanks. You know what? I have some bragging to do. I better call Anja first. She's not gonna believe this shit.

Jaylynn walks away as she takes out her phone.

WADE: Unlike her, I was always proud of you, man. Now, you're over here tutoring kids? You're really growing up.

RK: I know, right? I feel more sophisticated, more...more confused.

WADE: Why?

RK: Because I just realized something terrible.

RK removes his backpack, opens it, and takes out his own math test to look at it.

RK: Oh no. Wade, what's my grade for this test?

RK shows Wade his test.

WADE: A 90.

RK: A 90. I got the exact same grade Jaylynn got. The exact same!

WADE: I'm having a hard time connecting the dots here.

RK: Don't you get it, man? My tutoring's worked out too well. Jaylynn's already doing math on the same level as me. Which means if I keep helping her, she could probably get a 92 next time. And in less than a year, she'll start having your math grades!

WADE: Yeah, that was always one of the biggest issues I had with kids I've tutored. Why do they have to start doing better in their classes?

RK: I know. Are they trying to kill us?!

WADE: I'm being sarcastic, you loon. Look, RK, you might have taught Jaylynn everything she knows, but you didn't teach her everything you know. She has to prove herself over a period of time, one test isn't a good way to measure anything.

RK: You're absolutely right. Which means the only way to stop that from happening is to cut Jaylynn's legs off from under her.

WADE: It's getting to the point where I don't understand why I still give you advice.

RK: Don't worry, Wade, I hear you. This isn't like I'm going to do something really stupid. I have something better in mind.

WADE: But it's most likely going to be something stupid?

RK gives Wade an annoyed look.

SCENE 18

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

A demoralized Sparky walks towards his locker after class lets out. He jumps back startled when he sees several papers with the word "LIAR" in red Sharpie taped up to his locker. He begins taking them down as kids across the hall laugh at him. As Sparky continues to take down the papers, more kids pass by him and shake their heads, or express looks of disgust. Manny and Will walk up to him.

MANNY: So, it's true, huh? You really are a low down liar?

SPARKY: Manny, get away from me. I have detention up next so there's no time for me to play.

WILL: It's just that we weren't expecting this from you. You were always one of the good guys, Sparky. Why make up a story like that?

SPARKY: Because that story is the truth. But I guess everyone just wants to believe what someone told them.

MANNY: That sounds like what a liar would say. And I would know. But Sparky, you don't have to go down this road. Just admit you were tired or something, nobody cares.

SPARKY: I wasn't tired! The report flew out the window, I was only late to school because of all the time I spent trying to look for it.

WILL: That's not what we've been hearing.

MANNY: Yeah, man. Nobody's got your back on this. And it's a little sad, because I actually kinda had respect for you.

Sparky grabs Manny and slams him into a nearby locker.

WILL: Oh, shit!

SPARKY: You want to respect me even less?!

Buster frantically runs up to the boys.

BUSTER: Hey, hey, what's going on here? Forget about him, Sparky, he's not worth it. He'll probably just get you suspended or something.

Sparky sighs and lets go of Manny.

SPARKY: Yeah, you're right. I'm outta here.

Sparky closes his locker and leaves for detention. Meanwhile, Buster stares at Manny and Will with contempt.

WILL: Why are you looking at us like that?

BUSTER: You both smell like old packets of honey mustard. Why?

SCENE 19

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

The next morning, Sparky is having another meeting with Principal MacGregor.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Sparky, I know you. I know you're a good student and a good kid, so I know you're going to do the right thing.

SPARKY: Exactly. I am.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: And the right thing to do is to come clean and we can put this entire episode behind us.

SPARKY: There's nothing to come clean about, Principal MacGregor. I didn't make up that story.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Forgive me for being skeptical, but I have never heard any kid come up to me and tell me the events that you told me unfolded yesterday.

SPARKY: What can I say? I have a weird life. I mean, I went to New York City for New Year's Eve just because I thought my alarm clock was planning a terrorist attack.

Beat.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You know, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you sought therapy.

SPARKY: Principal MacGregor, I don't know what else to tell you. Buster and I tried finding the report yesterday, but it landed in the garbage truck. If you know me so well, then why do you think I would ever go this far just to get out of a book report?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Because my therapist told me to never put anything past anybody. This is your chance, Sparky. You can either admit the truth, or keep going to detention.

SPARKY: I'll take the detention. I'm not going to lie to myself just to make you happy.

Sparky gets up from his chair and leaves the office.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Man, if Karen wasn't on vacation, I could be having an aspirin and some grape juice right now.

SCENE 20

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

That afternoon, the kids are eating ice cream together.

SPARKY: So, today, Principal MacGregor once again tried to get me to say I lied so I wouldn't have detention anymore.

RK: And you didn't agree? You must like that place more than I thought.

SPARKY: It's not about the detention. I didn't lie about what happened and if I say I did, then I'm giving up on my principles.

WADE: But you're getting indefinite detention. If you're not careful, this is going to end up on your permanent record and it will follow you to junior high.

SPARKY: It's still not worth everyone thinking I did something when I didn't.

BUSTER: This is so unfair. You busted your ass on that report and it's like you never did it. Meanwhile, all I got was no recess for two weeks.

JAYLYNN: What are you doing to pass the time?

BUSTER: Oh, I have to help Mrs. Bernstein straighten up the classroom. Clean up the whiteboards, scrape up the nasty gum from under the tables. You kids are disgusting, it's called a trash can!

WADE: Seriously, Sparky, you really think you can hang in there?

SPARKY: If I keep going to detention, then maybe MacGregor will see that I was telling the truth the whole time. It beats having to get rid of gum.

BUSTER: One of them got in my mouth. It was watermelon lime, and it went down my throat before I could even spit it out.

SCENE 21

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, RK and Jaylynn are having another studying session.

JAYLYNN: RK, are you okay?

RK: Sure, man, why not?

JAYLYNN: I don't know, it just feels like you're not into it tonight. Like you just want to get it over with.

RK: Of course not. I'm here for you, Jaylynn.

RK'S BRAIN (V.O.): Like hell I am. You think you can outshine me, Jaylynn? Outshine this, you...you scoundrel. Wait, why did I just call Jaylynn a scoundrel? This isn't some crappy John Wayne movie.

JAYLYNN: Okay, so George and Eric both have twelve apples. Janice comes in with twenty-four oranges. How many oranges does Janice have to give to the guys so everyone has an equal amount of fruit?

RK: Nine.

JAYLYNN: Nine? Are you sure? That doesn't sound right.

RK: Look, do you trust me?

JAYLYNN: Most of the time.

RK: Then put nine. I'm the tutor, not you.

JAYLYNN: Alright, alright. It's just apples and oranges.

RK: You know, Ms. Hernandez, I was looking at some of the answers on your math homework tonight. And to tell you the truth, I don't like the results.

JAYLYNN: Why not?

RK: Well, some of your answers just don't make any sense. I mean, look at this one problem here. It specifically says to show your work, but not much work was shown. What's that about?

JAYLYNN: Okay, I'll keep that in mind for later.

RK: No, no, I'm not done yet. You see here where you say five times ten is fifty? Are you kidding me? You trying to pull something, Hernandez?

JAYLYNN: I don't get it. Is five times ten not fifty?

RK: In a world where the metric system is used, not at all.

JAYLYNN: Okay, pointing out things that don't matter, calling me Hernandez all the time. What's wrong with you? Did Anna lose her shit at the batting cages again?

RK: She did, but that's not the problem here. *sighs* Look, Jaylynn, I have a confession to make. I was jealous that you got the same score as me on the last math test, so I was trying to sabotage you.

JAYLYNN: What? Why would you do that to me? Is that even part of the tutoring code?

RK: I wouldn't know, you're the first person I ever tutored. And if we're being honest here, this is your fault. You got too good for my liking and I need you to tone it down.

JAYLYNN: You're a sick, sick little boy. If you're that insecure about me possibly having a chance of being better than you at math, then you can go to hell because I don't want you tutoring me anymore.

RK: You don't mean that. I created you. You need me!

JAYLYNN: Not anymore. It's time for someone new at the top. That's why I'm going to stomp your ass out on the next math test.

RK: Not if I stomp yours out. You need to remember who's the master between us.

JAYLYNN: I will, because there's gonna be a new master. Someone cooler, hotter, and younger.

RK: We're the same age!

JAYLYNN: Doesn't look like it to me. You're going down, grandpa.

Jaylynn takes her stuff and leaves the house.

RK: She knows damn well I'm hotter than her.

SCENE 22

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Sparky has been called in for a meeting with Principal MacGregor and Mrs. Bernstein.

SPARKY: What's going on here?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Sparky, it's time for us to end this. As much as we don't want you to stay in detention, we still don't trust you after what happened.

SPARKY: Well, you should. Because I know I'm telling the truth.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: In that case, we think it's time for you to prove it. That's why we're suggesting you take a lie detector test.

SPARKY: A lie detector test?!

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Yes, see, we hook up these straps to you and what the test does is...

SPARKY: I know what a lie detector test is! I just don't want to take one.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Why is that, Sparky? You say you're telling the truth, right?

SPARKY: Right, and that's why I'm not taking a lie detector test. My word should matter more than what a bunch of stupid wires have to say about it.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Sparky, we can't keep you in detention forever. So, you have two choices: You can either take the test and prove you're being honest, or you can just cop to trying to put one over on Mrs. Bernstein. Either way, it ends now.

SPARKY: No, it doesn't, because there's a third choice: I keep going to detention until you guys admit that my story was true.

Much like the last meeting, Sparky gets up from his chair and leaves the office without saying anything else.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Whatever happened to the days of just saying your dog ate your homework?

MRS. BERNSTEIN: Social media put a stop to that.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: That's an old head mentality, don't you think?

SCENE 23

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

After school, Sparky is talking to the guys about the lie detector test proposal.

BUSTER: I think you should take the test.

SPARKY: But that's like admitting I don't believe in myself anymore. I don't need some silly test to validate what I already know.

RK: You know how adults work. They need science to prove everything. I don't get it, but they do.

WADE: Look, Sparky, we know you're telling the truth, but MacGregor and Bernstein don't. Is it still worth taking a stand when they're giving you a chance to prove you're not a liar?

JAYLYNN (O.S.): I agree with Wade 100%. Take that test, Sparky. Make them all look stupid.

SPARKY: Was that Jaylynn? Where are you?

JAYLYNN (O.S.): I'm on a call with Buster. I know we're meeting up today, but I can't be in the same room with that...that thing.

RK: I have a name.

JAYLYNN (O.S.): I used to have a friend named RK. I thought he was really cool. But then he turned his back on me, so now, he's dead.

RK: Yeah, real mature, Jaylynn. Can we keep the focus on Sparky here?

JAYLYNN (O.S.): What is that? Sounds like some annoying, high-pitched buzzing.

SPARKY: You know what? I'll take the test just to end whatever this is.

SCENE 24

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Mr. Grant's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

On the day of the next math test, RK and Jaylynn walk into the classroom at the same time, staring at each other with looks of dismissal.

RK: You're going down. I bet you studied by yourself to get ready.

JAYLYNN: Actually, Wade studied with me. See, your best friend actually wants to help the people he tutors.

RK: Please, this is the same guy that tried to ruin my play. He's trying to kill me through you, I know it.

JAYLYNN: That's a beautiful way to look at what I'm gonna do to you.

RK: Uh huh. We'll see.

SCENE 25

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

At the same time as the math test, Sparky is getting set up for the lie detector test, with Principal MacGregor and Mrs. Bernstein on hand.

SPARKY: Really hope this is worth pulling me out of class.

DR. BENSON: Don't worry, Sparky. You're fine as long as you answer every question carefully and honestly.

SPARKY: Okay, let's get going.

DR. BENSON: Alright, first question this morning. Is Sparky Morton MacDougal your real name?

Cut to a freeze frame shot of a disinterested Sparky.

SCENE 26

("Second Round K.O." by Canibus plays in the background)

A montage shows the simultaneous events of Sparky's lie detector test and RK and Jaylynn's math test. Sparky is initially given softball questions to determine his basic honesty. He answers each question correctly, and Dr. Benson takes notes each time to study Sparky's body language. Meanwhile, RK and Jaylynn are aggressive with their test taking, constantly looking at each other while putting down their answers. Beads of sweat appear on both of their faces as they go through their tests, with the objective to finish before the other one can. Sparky is still taking the lie detector test, continuing to answer questions truthfully. Principal MacGregor and Mrs. Bernstein look impressed as the test continues. In Mr. Grant's class, RK is close to finishing first, but Jaylynn beats him within two seconds, and she celebrates in slow-motion while RK begins crying. At that point, both of them shrug, hand in their tests, and leave the classroom without saying anything else.

SCENE 27

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is reaching the home stretch of his lie detector test.

DR. BENSON: Okay, this is a big question here. Is your story about the book report flying out the window and landing inside a garbage truck true?

SPARKY: Yes, one hundred percent.

At that point, the machine begins to malfunction.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: What's going on here?

DR. BENSON: I'm not sure. This has never happened before. It's getting out of control.

The lie detector begins sparking, and then explodes, causing everybody to cover their heads.

DR. BENSON: Don't worry. We're all safe.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: What's the meaning of this?

DR. BENSON: I wish I knew. The system must have overloaded or something. Now, we have inconclusive evidence.

SPARKY: So, now what?

DR. BENSON: Well, there's no way of knowing whether or not you were really telling the truth. But if it means anything, you were doing very well up until now.

SPARKY: No. It doesn't mean anything.

Sparky looks disappointed.

SCENE 28

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, Sparky is hanging out with Halley. He once again has a look of defeat.

HALLEY: So, that's it? You're still in detention?

SPARKY: Yeah. You know, I actually got my hopes up, but I guess I'm always going to be known as a liar. So much for sticking to my guns.

HALLEY: Hey, wait a minute. This all started because you didn't have a book report, right?

SPARKY: Right.

HALLEY: So, don't you have a copy of it saved on your computer?

SPARKY: Halley, the last thing I want to do right now is go back and look at...wait a minute. I have a copy! I have a freaking copy! Halley, you're a genius!

Sparky kisses Halley and then jumps off the couch to go get his laptop. Sparky immediately rushes back with his laptop.

SPARKY: See, right here is where all the edits I made are logged. The exact date and time of when I worked on everything in the report. That's how they'll know I'm telling the truth.

HALLEY: I'm surprised I was the first person to mention that.

SPARKY: It's been very hard for all of us. Halley, you're amazing, you know that? You saved the day.

HALLEY: You know, if you want to repay me by kissing me again, that's okay.

SPARKY: That was kinda in the moment. I don't know, it took a lot out of me.

HALLEY: Oh.

Beat.

SPARKY: Wow, you actually fell for that?

Sparky kisses Halley a second time.

SCENE 29

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

The next day, Sparky is presenting his evidence to Principal MacGregor and Mrs. Bernstein.

SPARKY: See, everything is timed and dated. Now, do you believe me?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Kim, the fine print doesn't lie. He was working on something.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: You're right. While this still doesn't prove your story, Sparky, if this report is true, then who am I to say the story isn't true? I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

SPARKY: It's okay.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Sparky, we put a lot of stress on you. How about we make amends? Your indefinite detention is not only over, but it's being erased from your permanent record.

MRS. BERNSTEIN: And I'm going to give this report an actual grade.

SPARKY: YES!

Beat.

SPARKY: I mean, what a satisfying turn of events.

Sparky leaves the office and meets Buster outside.

BUSTER: I heard the "YES!" in there. Is it true?

SPARKY: Damn true. I'm not a liar anymore!

BUSTER: YES!

Sparky and Buster hug each other and then begin dancing.

BUSTER: So what do you want to do to celebrate?

SPARKY: I'm going to go kiss my girlfriend.

Sparky runs away with joy. Buster rubs his chin, then sees Ashley walking by.

BUSTER: Hey Ashley, Sparky just got out of detention. Can we kiss to celebrate?

ASHLEY: I don't think so.

BUSTER: Come on, we don't have to...

Buster begins smelling something. He looks disturbed.

BUSTER: Wait, what's that on your breath?

ASHLEY: Watermelon lime gum. You want some?

BUSTER: No. You know what? Forget what I asked you.

Buster keeps his look of disgust as he walks away from Ashley. Ashley then shrugs at the camera as she begins blowing a bubble. Cut to black.

("This Time Around" by Michael Jackson featuring The Notorious B.I.G. plays over the end credits)

POST-CREDITS GAG

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Jaylynn are depressed as they look at their math scores.

RK: Wow, I did not look at what I was bubbling in.

JAYLYNN: Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to breathe? We seriously both failed? How did this happen?

RK: I'll tell you what happened. We got drunk off competition. Jaylynn, I'm sorry I tried to get you to fail. It's just that math class is the only class where I feel like I'm the best. I didn't want anybody to take that away from me.

JAYLYNN: I understand. And I was just being dramatic when I said you were dead. If you never tutored me, I wouldn't have been confident enough to even take another math test.

RK: Why don't we agree to try making each other better from now on, and not worse?

JAYLYNN: Sure. But we can still have our little arguments, right?

RK: Of course. We have to keep busting each other's balls.

JAYLYNN: Thank God, I was starting to get a little worried.

Cut to black.

©2019 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS