TRicks of the Trade
1
It had been another very, very long night. Rick lugged Morty through more portals than Morty thought physically possible in a six-hour block, and he felt rather jet-lagged (if that were even the term when referring to portal traveling). As his math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, droned on about the importance of multiplication in Standard Mathematics, Morty decided that maybe sleeping through one more class wouldn't be the end of his school career. His head hit the desk.
"Alright, now everybody partner up!" Goldenfold demanded in an unnecessarily harsh tone. The class groaned loud enough to wake Morty from his incipient slumber. "Oh yeah, you wanna do this work by yourselves? Is that what you want?" Goldenfold yelled again. The class quieted to a murmur of angry grumbles, and sheets of paper were reluctantly passed around. Immediately, people began to get into pairs.
Not totally aware of the situation, Morty looked around the class to see that he was the only one without a partner. The classmate to his left was paired with the classmate to his right, and Brad, who sat in front of him, left his seat to sit with Jessica in the front.
"Uh... I don't have a partner...," Morty said hesitantly, hoping someone had heard his small voice. The fact that no one turned to face him told Morty the answer was 'no.' Just before his exhaustion and self-pity persuaded him to resume his nap, a tap came on his shoulder.
"You can be my partner," said a voice from behind him. Morty turned his head to find a girl with short, blonde hair sitting behind him. She wasn't exactly pretty - she was nothing compared to Jessica - but any girl that gave Morty the slightest bit of attention was good enough for him.
"O-oh...," Morty said, a little awe-struck that a girl would want to be partnered with him. "Y-yeah, sure..."
"You're Morty, right?" the girl asked as she swung her small, brown backpack onto the desk in front of Morty. She plopped herself down into the seat backward so that her legs spread against the back of the chair. Beads of sweat began to run down Morty's face.
"Y-yeah, that's me... And you're...?"
"Jamie," she said. She took the sheet of paper that was placed on Morty's desk, crinkled her nose at it, and tossed it aside.
"H-hey, aren't we supposed to be, you know...doing that?" Morty watched as the paper slid across the floor.
"Schoolwork is nonsense. I don't need some simple-minded dolt who thinks he knows everything about everything telling me stuff I already know and then expecting me to recite it back to him like a god damn parrot." Jamie glared at Goldenfold as he cursed at a couple students up front.
Morty was a bit taken aback by her forwardness. He pursed his lips into a 'w' and decided not to argue with her. "Heh... You kinda sound like my Grampa!" He attempted to joke.
Jamie's eyes lit up, almost mischievously. "Your Grampa?"
"Yeah, ha-"
"He's a scientist, right?"
"Huh? W-well... Yeah-"
"You guys must go on so many cool adventures then, right?" Jamie leaned closer.
"Y-yeah, we've gone - we go to some places..."
"Going to different dimensions? Traveling through space? Riding in spacecrafts? You've done it all, right?"
"Uh-"
"What's it like to travel through a portal? What's it like on dimension 38-C?"
"Woah woah woah - how did you know-"
Jamie paused. She slumped back in her chair, half-smiling from embarrassment. "Sorry, this is just stuff I never get to talk to anyone about." Her eyes dropped to the ground. Morty thought he detected a hint of loneliness.
"H-hey, it's okay...! I bet that-"
"There just aren't a lot of people that share my interest in science, you know?"
"Yeah, I-"
"I guess I'm pretty jealous that you get to go off and explore all these things that I could only dream of..."
"Well, I-"
"It must be pretty cool to have Rick as your Grandpa, huh?" Jamie's lips curved into a smile. Elbow on Morty's desk, she rested her head on her hand and dragged her finger across the table, lost in thought. Before Morty could ask how she knew his Grandpa's name, he noticed that the position of her arms pushed her small breasts out on display, which immediately seized his full attention.
"I'm just saying," she said, noticing the situation and promptly taking advantage of it, "if you guys ever need any help, I'd be willing to tag along..." Her fingers walked over to Morty's arm and squeezed his bicep a little.
Morty was too consumed by hormones to say anything other than, "Heh... Y-yeah, okay..."
Suddenly, the classroom door was kicked in. The class looked up to find a tall, lanky, spiky-haired man standing in the entrance holding an unordinary looking gun.
"Morty, c'mon! Your Dad is dying - h-he needs mediEEUURGHHcal assistance!" Rick shouted across the room while beckoning Morty to follow him.
"W-w-what? My Dad? He's dying?" Morty fell into panic.
"C'mon, don't just sit here flirting!" Rick darted to Morty's desk and grabbed his arm out of Jamie's grasp. "Do you wanna risk spewing your seed all over your zipper or do you wanna saEEUURGHHve your idiot father?" Rick pulled Morty out of his chair and ran out of the classroom as Morty cried, "Oh my god - oh my god - ooooh!"
While the class paused to look around, confused and scared, Jamie slipped out of the room.
In the hallway, Morty continued to spiral into anxiety.
"My Dad? Where is he?" Morty tore at his hair.
"Morty, listen to me!" Rick shouted, shaking Morty's shoulders.
"Is he okay? We have to find him!"
"Morty, I said listen-"
"He's dying! We have to help him!"
"Morty, shut up for a second-"
"My Dad! Oooh, my Dad!"
"Morty, your Dad isn't dying!" Rick slapped Morty across the face. Morty paused.
"W-w-what?"
"Your Dad is fine. He's not dying. I made that up so I could get you out of school. W-we've got another adventure to go on, Morty."
It took a second for Morty to process the situation. "You told me my Dad was near death so you could drag me along in another meaningless adventure?" Rage boiled inside him. "I thought my Dad was dead, Rick! I-I-I thought I was gonna have to attend his funeral! I thought - I thought - that's messed up, Rick! Y-you can't just go around saying people's parents are dead! Th-that's so messed up!"
Rick rolled his eyes. "Morty, it was the only way I could get you outta this brainwashing hellhole without a stupid p-p-permission slip, or w-whatever. P-people don't ask questions when you toss around dead relEEUURGHHatives."
"Rick, that's heartless! Th-that's insane!"
"I know, you'd think people would be more sensitive..."
"No, Rick, I'm talking about you! I-I-I can't believe you thought I w-wouldn't be upset over this! I just had a serious anxiety attack...!"
"O-o-oh really, Morty? You're gonna take this high road on this one, Morty? You know, w-we wouldn't even be in the situation if it weren't for you, Morty!" Morty looked at Rick in disbelief. "M-m-my portal gun - it's out juice because of you, Morty! All that dimension travelling we did last night, Morty, because you wouldn't just shut up and stop attracting all the Freedlenorps? Y-you kept running your mouth and all the Freedlenorps kept finding us in the different dimensions - remember that, Morty? Well, now the p-p-portal gun's out of juice. We gotta go get more."
"If the portal gun's out of juice, how are we gonna use it at all, huh, Rick? Huh? Stupid?"
"Ugh! Morty, c-could you be bothered to read once in your life?" Rick shoved the portal gun in Morty's face. He pointed to a black bar with a small red sliver resting at the bottom. "It's got enough juice for one more portal, Morty. All we have to do is travel to dimension Zeta-476, pick up some Chlorified Uranium, put it in the gun and BAM! We're set for another 100 adEEUURGHHventures!"
Morty thought about another 100 adventures with Rick. The trauma, the anxiety, the adrenaline... Morty didn't know if he could take it. Morty could barely handle last night's escapades, and that only took six hours. One hundred adventures felt like a lifetime of Hell.
"Th-there's just one problem..."Rick continued.
"Aw, jeez, Rick, don't tell me that..."
"Because the portal gun's only got enough juice for one more portal, it's kinda imperative that we get the Chlorified Uranium. And it's really rare there. And it's usually guarded by giant alien space monsters."
"W-w-what? What do you mean?"
"Morty, weren't you listening? The Chlorified Uranium is super rare and heavily patrolled, so if we don't get it, or somehow get taken by the guards... W-w-we're kinda stuck there forever."
"F-forever? Rick, I can't be stuck there forever! I have to go to school! I have a life to live!"
"All the more reaEEUURGHHson to get the crystals, Morty!"
"Can't you just fill the portal gun with a bit of Uranium Titrate to hold you over until you get the crystals?" A voice spoke from down the hall.
Rick and Morty simultaneously turned to see Jamie walking up to them, digging inside her backpack.
Confused, Rick asked Morty, "Morty, who's your nosy girlfriend?"
Before Morty could answer, Jamie said, "Actually, I'm single, old man," and slyly winked at Rick, who didn't seem to notice. Morty, on the other hand, was a little disturbed.
"Look, little girl, I-I-I don't think you know how portal guns work. They run on Chlorified Uranium, not Uranium Titrate. The Titrate ionizes the circuitry of the gun, rendering it even more useless than it is now," Rick condescended. "Now r-r-run along now-"
"Only in large quantities. Five milligrams of Uranium Titrate will give the gun just enough power to create one portal, and it won't ruin the circuitry." Jamie pulled out of her backpack a small, cylindrical container of Uranium Titrate and offered it to Rick. "That'll give you one portal to go to Zeta-476 and collect your crystals and one portal to get back if you fail."
Morty and Rick looked at each other. "H-how long have you been listening?" Morty stuttered nervously.
Rick glared at her suspiciously, then he snatched the cylinder out of Jamie's hand and loaded it into the gun. Sure enough, the little bar grew a second sliver of red at the base. "Alright, Morty, let's go-"
"Wait!" Jamie said right as Rick shot out a portal. "I want to come with you."
"W-what - are you kidding me?" said Rick. "I'm not taking some girl I don't know to another dimension! I-I-I'm not responsible for you! I-I-I can't even remember your name!"
Jamie turned to Morty, who saw how deeply she pleaded with her eyes. Morty remembered how jealous she was about his adventures, how much she was interested in science, how supple her breasts were...
"Aw, c'mon Rick. Let's just take her on one trip, you know? Like, w-what's the worst that could happen, you know? I mean, she had that ur-ur-uranium whatever in her backpack, you know, maybe she's useful...o-or something?" Rick rolled his eyes and sighed. "C'mon, Rick, she just wants to go on an adventure... Rick? Just one a-a-adventure with us- "
"Fine, Morty. Fine. If it'll get you to shut your stupid trap," Rick faced Jamie and pointed to the sickly green entrance to another dimension. "Get in there."
"I'll be saying that to you later, old man," Jamie purred and pulled Rick along behind her through the portal.
Morty furrowed his brow, thinking. "Aw, gross! W-what the hell?" he exclaimed before following the others.
Morty stepped onto a soft, sandy ground. It was hot a little humid in dimension Zeta-476, but the sky had a warm, orange tint that was almost as comforting as the pillow-like sand. A small, cool breeze kept the sweat off Morty's back.
Immediately, Rick pulled a gadget out of his lab coat pocket that looked like a ticket scanner. With a few quick movements on the keypad of the contraption, Rick explained, "Alright, this babe - this baby's gonna find us some Chlorified Uranium!" He eyed the scanner closer. "Hm, the signal's pretty weak... Get comfy, this might take a while."
"H-how long is a while?" Morty asked, beginning to worry again.
"Uh, by my estimate? ...Couple days."
"Days? Rick! H-how could you-"
"W-what, Morty? Y-you wanna go off searching on your own? Y-y-you think you can find my crystals b-better than a crystal finder?"
"I'll tell you what, Rick!-"
"This should help it go a lot faster," Jamie interrupted while pulling out a similar contraption from her backpack. She powered it on and made the same quick movements on the keypad that Rick had made on his. "I'll go West, you go East?" Jamie asked Rick.
Rick and Morty looked at each other again.
"Uh, J-Jamie, where do you keep getting all these...gadgets?" Morty questioned.
"Morty, you come with me. Rick, here's a walkie talkie; we'll keep each other informed about our location. If everything goes well, this should cut down the search time by half," she took a walkie talkie out of her backpack and clipped it to Rick's lab coat, making sure to brush his chest seductively before heading West. Rick immediately examined the communication device, completely dismissing her other actions. Only Morty caught a glimpse of those.
"Uh, Jamie, what was that...?" Morty asked, getting a little annoyed at how much flirtatious attention she was giving to his 80 year old Grandpa.
"C'mon, Morty. We're not going to find these crystals by pointing this thing at our shoes," Jamie motioned him to follow. Morty looked back at Rick, who was already heading East and still thumbing around the walkie talkie. Morty sighed and moved West.
They had only been walking for 20 minutes, but Morty was beginning to feel a little fatigued from the heat despite the constant breeze. He looked over Jamie's shoulder to see what her apparatus read, but found a bunch of gibberish on the screen that he couldn't understand. Desperate for something to relieve his boredom, he decided to strike up conversation.
"So," Morty said, cautiously, "W-what got you into science?"
"Ugh, Morty... That's the conversation you're going to start with me?" Jamie didn't break her gaze at her crystal detector.
Morty, embarrassed, pursed his lips into a 'w.'
"H-hey, then," he summoned up a little gusto, "how'd you know my Grandpa's name without me telling you? Back in class?"
"Huh?" Jamie finally parted from her gadget. "Rick?"
"Yeah, h-how'd you know that?"
"Oh, hahaha!" Jamie laughed for a strangely long amount of time. "Morty, I don't think you understand. Your Grandpa - he's one of the smartest scientist in the whole world!" Her eyes lit up, just like before. "There isn't a science fanatic on this planet that doesn't know Rick Sanchez. He's practically famous for his brilliant mind, (and tall, lanky body)..." She trailed off and looked to the sky, lost in her own questionable thoughts.
"W-what?" Morty interrupted, getting a little disgusted. "What about his body?"
Jamie snapped out of her trance. "What?"
"Ugh, nevermind... C-c-can we just - have we found any Choloform...Uraniform yet?"
Right on cue, a buzz came from Jamie's walkie talkie.
["Morty! I found the crystals! But I'm -heugh- gonna need backup!"]
"Aw jeez, it sounds like he's in danger!" panicked Morty.
"Rick!" Jamie buzzed back, a little too excited. "What's your location?"
["Fifty six meters -heugh- Northeast from the starting point. I hope you brought -heugh- a gun, Inspector Gadget. It's a bit (get off me, bitch!) crowded here."]
Jamie smirked and pulled out two laser guns from her backpack. "You're about to find out why they call me the tight cannon, old man."
"What?" Morty exclaimed before a gun was shoved in his face.
"Let's move!" Jamie hustled Northeast.
Morty watched her run, speechless. He sighed and followed Jamie into the orange sky.
Jamie and Morty found Rick overwhelmed by massive, green, spiny creatures that roared as they launched themselves toward Rick. With shark mouths and scorpion eyes, they walked on four, pointy legs and swung around claws the size of their enormous bodies. Rick alone was clearly outnumbered: as he fended off four of the beasts, six more guarded a pit of glistening, white crystals, almost too blinding to see head-on.
Horrible screeching noises erupted from one creature that was pinned down by a larger one, which Rick rode like a horse. Rick tore at the trapped creature's claw and successfully broke it off from its joint. With a tremendous swing of the razor-sharp pincer, Rick sliced off the beast's head.
"That's right, biiiiiitch!" Rick laughed at the decapitated monster. Just then, the creature he had mounted stood on his hind legs and knocked Rick off his back. Rick landed with a heavy thud in the sand. The beast readied itself to strike.
Just as Rick cowered underneath the giant claw, a bright red laser beam blasted out of Jamie's gun and exploded the spiny creature's head on contact. Stunned, its stiff body fell toward Rick, who quickly rolled out of the way before it smashed into the ground.
"Jesus Christ, w-watch your aim!" Rick called to her, dusting off himself. "Y-y-you think I'm impenetrable or something?"
"You sure won't be after I'm done with you," Jamie retorted mischievously before she ducked her head and plunged into the chaos of alien creatures.
Morty nervously fiddled with his gun, unconfident in his skill. As creatures flew at him, Morty blasted beams in every direction, occasionally hitting a target.
"Hell, Morty! You're gonna take us all out doing that!" Rick came up behind him and snatched his gun away. "You get the cryEEUURGHHstals, I'll fuck with these guys." He let out a battle cry and unleased laser Hell on a few unlucky creatures.
Morty nodded. Ducking under legs and diving through the crowd, he ran to the pit of sparkling crystals. They were packed snugly and difficult to remove; he yanked at a few to no success. Suddenly, a dismembered claw from a presumably dead creature landed on top of the pit and sent crystals flying. Smiling, Morty collected a few of the scattered shards while attempting to slice out some larger ones from the pit. As soon as he dug out a sizable chunk of Chlorified Uranium, a tug came on his shirt.
"C'mon Morty, we've gotta go!" Rick sounded anxious. "They've got more coming, Morty! We're outnumbered! Let's go!"
Rick snatched up Morty by the collar, jolting him hard enough for the crystals to fall out of Morty's hand. Before Morty could cry out, Rick launched the last portal they had into space and threw Morty through it.
Morty hit the floor of his parent's garage and Rick tumbled on top of him. A second later, Jamie plunged through the closing portal and slid across the garage floor. Their last portal sealed up.
Morty rubbed his head and looked at the others. Rick was beaten up pretty badly: he was more bruised than not, and his undershirt was torn, exposing his scratched stomach. Jamie was no better: a little blood ran down her face and her limbs were severely scraped. Only Morty made it out almost unharmed.
"Where are they, Morty?" Rick manically shook Morty's head. "Tell me you got them!"
Startled by the sudden aggression, Morty blurted out, "W-w-what?"
"The crystals, Morty! Tell me you got the crystals!"
"N-no, I didn't get them-"
"You didn't get the crystals, Morty?"
"Y-you yanked me away before I could -"
"Morty, I ask you to do ONE THING-"
"Maybe if you weren't so violent!-"
"Now we don't have any portals, Morty! N-no more adventures for us, Morty! Back to you reguEEUURGHHlar life of schoolwork and videogames, Morty! Are you happy? Are you fucking happy?!"
"Are you looking for these?" Jamie interrupted. She reached into her backpack and pulled out four massive crystals of Chlorified Uranium, which glistened even in the flourescent lights.
Rick and Morty stared into the twinkling bundle that rested in Jamie's hands. Relief washed over Morty, and Rick sharply gasped.
"Awwww SHIT, mothafuckaaaa!" Rick whooped as he wrenched the crystals away from Jamie. "Tomb EEUURGHH Raider for the win!" Rick patted Jamie on the head less than affectionately, but she still beamed.
"Can I help you detoxify the Chlorified Uranium so it'll last longer in the portal gun?" Jamie eagerly hopped to her feet and offered a hand to Rick.
"Get the detoxifier, baby!" Rick stood up by himself, too enticed by the shimmering crystal to notice her gesture. "This load will last us a decade!"
Jamie ran to the stack of machines that Rick had piled up on a shelf and began digging. Rick moved the crystals and his portal gun to his desk and started to disassemble the apparatus. Once Jamie found the detoxifier, she pulled up a stool a little too close to Rick's and prepared the machine. Morty watched as their two intelligent brains silently communicated how to deconstruct and reconstruct the portal gun efficiently and thoroughly.
Morty realized he had been staring at them working for way too long. Usually, Morty was the one the help Rick with building his newest gizmos, but this Jamie girl seemed to be more qualified for the job. She was smart, she had the gadgets, she spoke science, she had a strange and revolting attraction to Rick...
No! Morty thought, as he pushed those ideas away. Rick wouldn't ditch me for some - some - some underaged girl! I'm the one that's supposed him with his...science!
"H-hey, Rick?" Morty was always spoke less confidently than he'd like. "Is there something I can do? M-maybe, get you a screwdriver, o-or get you a - get you a - help you out with something?"
Rick spun around on his stool to face Morty. "Actually, there is one thing you can get me..."
Morty hopped a little, ready to work.
Rick spun back around to his desk. "Can you get me a soda from the kitchen? And not the diet kind - I-I-I think we all prefer our liquid sugar to actually contain sugar."
"Amen," Jamie added with a giggle. "Get me one, too, Morty?"
Morty's shoulders dropped. Am I really being replaced?
He sulked out of the lab, listening to the faint murmurs and whirs fade behind a closing door.
2
The next day, Morty pushed his school lunch around his plate, uninterested, as his listened to Jamie rave about her late night escapades with Rick. He felt unusually awake since he got a full night's sleep for once, but he was annoyed that all of this new-found energy was spent listening to Jamie boast.
"...And since we have enough Chlorified Uranium to power over 600,000 portals, Rick and I experimented with portals inside portals! And-" Morty thought for sure that there was no end in sight for Jamie's overenthusiastic storytelling. Morty could barely get in a "cool" or "uh-huh" overtop of her roaring rapids of scientific gibberish.
"Oh, and Morty-" a break in Jamie's avalanche of words stunned Morty into thinking the whole world had gone quiet, if only for a second. "Rick wanted to borrow this ionic defractalator from me to dismantle the wire systems and construct a carbonic reflector which we'll use to-"
"Okay, okay!" Morty shouted, silencing Jamie. He yanked the machine out of her hands. "Y-you don't have to go into such great detail about...e-every little thing..."
Jamie seemed unphased by his sudden outburst. "Just make sure Rick gets it by the end of the night, because it only ionizes-"
"Alright, Jamie. I-I-I may not be able to ionize a...deflector, or whatever, but I know how to hand something to Rick, okay? It's kinda my job to hand him things..." Morty said, pettily.
Before Morty could prod at his mash of cafeteria food again with bitter angst, the lunchroom door swung open and he was greeted with that same, raucous belch that he had heard a million times before.
"Morty! D-did you get my defractalator?" Rick dashed over to Morty's table, ignoring all strange stares from school kids around the cafeteria. He skidded to a halt right in front of Morty, but before Morty could respond, Jamie had already wedged herself between the two men.
"I have it right here for you!" Behind her back, Jamie snagged the contraption from Morty's hands and presented it to Rick with a wink.
Rick grabbed the machine, shoved aside the girl, and began fiddling with buttons and triggers on the frame. "Yep, this'll do it. I'm gonna make all kinds of sciEEUURRGGHHence with this, Morty. C'mon, we're gonna - we've gotta get the hell outta here, Morty! W-we gotta get back to the garage! W-w-we've gotta lotta work to do, M-Morty!" Rick turned on his heel and blindly grabbed for Morty behind him before he darted off. But Jamie was faster. She slid her thin wrists into Rick's palm and ran to keep up with his quick pace. Before Morty could understand what had happened, he was left alone, once again.
The rest of the school day was nothing short of absolute misery for Morty. He wasn't used to actually participating in a full day of school, and he was fatigued by the lack of excitement or adrenaline which usually filled his afternoons. Classes seemed duller. Teachers seemed ruder. Even Jessica seemed less charming. The ring of the final bell sounded like applause.
Morty struggled to push through his front door. Dread clutched his stomach at the thought of spending another day essentially alone in school. As he sighed and moved toward the stairs to his room, a faint giggling coming from the garage caught his attention. Jamie.
His fists tightened. He could feel himself trembling with a jealous fury. Red clouded his vision. Before he knew it, he had kicked open the door to Rick's lab.
"W-what the hell's going on here?" Morty shouted before he even had time to assess the situation. Rick and Jamie stared at him from their seats on the floor of the garage, confused and alarmed.
"Jesus, Morty. W-w-what the hell's gotten- w-what's up your ass?" Rick stammered while spitting saliva from his lower lip, obviously drunk. Jamie snorted, suppressing laughter; she seemed a little tipsy, too.
Morty, more puzzled than enraged at this point, looked around. Rick and Jamie sat around a dealt deck of cards. Beer bottles carpeted the floor. Rick's desk was piled high with tools and mechanical gadgets that Morty would never fully understand. But the most unsettling aspect of the scene to Morty was how the garage's atmosphere felt: it didn't have it's usual urgency that was fueled by frustration and anger. Instead, it felt warm. Mellow. Alive.
Morty realized how bitter his entrance must have seemed. A little embarrassed, he tried to backpedal. "I-I-I mean... Uh, hey, what's - w-what's going on in here?" He was less than convincing.
"M-Morty, look. Look, Morty," Rick staggered upward and wobbled over to Morty. "Y-you see this, Morty?" He prodded inside his ear and pulled out a small, beeping, mechanical box that stuck gently to the top of his finger. He shoved it into Morty's face. "It's a new invention I made, Morty. I-It's really gonna knEEUURRGHHock your proverbial socks off, Morty."
Morty crossed his eyes to get a good look at the miniscule contraption, but all he could see was a grey box with some tiny, flashing lights. "Wow, Rick, w-what's it do?"
Rick plugged the box back into his ear with a smirk. "It emits electromagnetic light waves to anyone within 20 feet of the transmitter, Morty. Th-these waves alter people's visions - they see whatever the transmitter wants them to see, Morty! It can change people's perceptions of the world around them to whatever I want, Morty! Look-" Rick plopped back down on the floor. He knocked on the ground twice, evidently resuming a game of blackjack. Jamie slid a card toward him with a sly smile.
Rick eagerly snatched up the card and presented it face-up to Morty. "Well, Morty? What do you see?"
"Uh, six of spades?" Morty read.
"Boo-yah!" Rick cheered as his flipped his hand to reveal a 10 of clubs and a 5 of hearts. "Blackjack, motherfuckah!" He grabbed a half-full beer bottle from the floor and downed it in celebration.
"I-I-I don't get it, Rick..." Morty scratched his head, a little overwhelmed by how incredibly drunk his grandfather was.
"Ugh, weren't you listening, Morty? D-Didn't yah hear me?" Rick rolled his eyes and tossed the beer bottle back into the heaping stash around him. "I said I warped your vision, Morty. You saw a six of spades because I wanted you to see a six of spades. The six of spades was my key to getting blackEEUURRGGHHjack!" Rick took all three of his cards and held them up for Morty again. "Yah see, the six of spades - it was actually a queen, Morty! It woulda made me bust, Morty! I woulda been a - I woulda been busted! But since I changed your perception to view a six instead of a queen-"
"Blackjack, mother...hic...fuckaaa!" Jamie repeated, laughing stupidly to herself.
"That's great, Rick," Morty said, uncertain of whether or not he should be impressed. "B-but what's the point? W-what's so big about a six of spades, you know?"
Rick slapped his own forehead dramatically. "C-c-can't you figure out anything? This is how I'm gonna scam those sons-a-bitches at the interdimensional Casino Royale, Morty!" Rick rubbed his hands together with a devilish grin.
"Aw, jeez, Rick! Interdimensional Casino? That sounds dangerous! W-what if you get caught?"
"Gee, thanks, Morty. H-have a little faith in your Grandpa, huh? This isn't my first barEEURRGHHbeque."
"Why would you even wanna - wanna steal from an interdimensional Casino, Rick?"
"Well, a.) Morty, I'm a genius. So I can. And b.) the Casino Royale is run by the interdimensional government! It's a buncha bureaucrats scammin' a buncha idiots out of money to pay for governmental benefits! Prisons, legislation, d-donuts and coffee for the interdimensional corrupt cops who aren't too busy tasering the general public... It's all a scam, Morty! So it's time I EEUURGGHH scam the scammers," Rick collected the cards from the floor and stuffed them into his lab coat pocket before he stood up.
"W-well, I think I found a hole in your plan, Rick. How are you gonna scam the entire casino when your transmitter - wave things can only reach 20 feet around you, stupid?" Morty crossed his arms.
Rick let out a massive sigh that nearly blew Morty over. "Y-you think I haven't thought of that, Morty? I made a second transmitter," Rick moved to his work desk and plucked another small, softly-beeping box from underneath a microscope. "When these two transmitters work on the same wavelength, the range of the waves is raised to the second power, baby - you know what that means, Morty? Y-you know what the second power means? It means that 20 feet becomes 400 feet! And all I need is 200 feet to clear the size of the blackjack table and the chEEURGHHairs around it."
"S-so you need me to work the second transmitter?" Morty extended a hand toward the device, but Rick moved it out of his reach.
"Yeeeeeah, sorry, buddy. Y-y-you don't really fit the bill on this one. See, the transmitter can only work with brainwaves of a certain - of a range of high frequencies, a-a-and you barely even make it onto the scale. That's why I'm getting your little friend to play side kick."
Jamie pushed herself up and stumbled over to Rick, definitely a little drunk. She took the contraption from him and placed it in her ear. "My transmitter's electromagnetic light waves will piggyback...off Rick's so we...hic...won't have conflicting vision spectrums," she explained, slurring her words.
"What?" Morty steamed up again. "You're just gonna - gonna ditch me, Rick? Y-you're just gonna toss me to the side? Like a rag doll? D-do I mean nothing to do?"
"Criminy, this again? Jesus, Morty...yah clingy little shit. You're coming. You weren't not coming. Y-y-you're just not wearing this bug on this one. And you're coming right now: J-J-Jackie and I have to start out at the smaller, local casinos asap. To test these puppies out. Y-you don't just start lifting 200 pound weights on your first day at the gym. I-I-It's irresponsible. Y-y-you could really strain your muscles."
"It's Jamie," Jamie purred, interrupting Rick as she stroked his cheek.
Rick shoved her away with the back of his hand. "WhatEEUURGHHHever."
Morty stomped his foot. "You know what, Rick? I-I-I'm putting my foot down! I-I-I've had it! I'm tired of being your little disposable tool! I'm not helping you out on these - these - these criminal adventures! And I'm not gonna bail you outta jail when you get caught, yah hear?"
"Oh, really, Morty? Oh really? Now who's leaving who, huh? Y-y-you're a hypocrite, Morty! Y-y-you're a little hypocritical...hypocrite!"
Too upset to speak coherently, Morty gritted his teeth and stormed out of the garage, slamming the door behind him. Rick glared at the door, took a swig from his stashed flask, and beckoned for Jamie to follow. "Whatever. Let's roll, Jasmine."
"Jamie," she corrected again and wobbled into the spaceship.
From his bedroom window, Morty watched Rick's aircraft glide away into the night sky with Jamie in the passenger's seat.
3
The following week was a dreary, meaningless blur to Morty. He completed his first full week of school (which turned out to be five times worse than a full day of school) and drowned all of his jealous rage, provoked by Rick's nightly adventures with Jamie, by immersing himself in video games. He stayed up late in his digital fantasies to mitigate the resentful thoughts that flooded his dreams, but not so late that he heard Jamie and Rick clamorously return home, most likely wasted. Most often, however, Morty was woken by them anyway.
One night, Morty decided to go to bed early. The forced lack of sleep was catching up with him, and his school grades weren't allowing him to nap through most of his classes again. He wasn't doing any better in school since he quit adventuring with Rick, he wasn't sleeping any better, he wasn't feeling any happier... Jealousy had consumed him. It had turned him hopeless. Purposeless.
As he slipped into bed, he didn't feel concerned about the raging hate that usually kept him up. He didn't feel concerned about the nightmares that usually followed. He didn't feel concerned about being woken up at 5:00 AM by a boisterous crash through the garage door. He didn't feel concerned. He didn't feel.
He turned out the light.
"M-M-Morty, y-y-you gotta wake up, b-buddy," the inconsistent stuttering jabbed at Morty's ears. A rough tug at his shoulder pulled him out of slumber.
"R-R-Rick?" Morty said, rubbing his eyes to see in the dark. A foul stench of alcohol overwhelmed his senses. "Rick, it's late. What do you want?"
"W-w-we gotta go, Morty. I-I-It's time to go. We gotta - we gotta scam the...scammers, Morty. We're EEUURRGHH ready," Rick seemed drunker than ever.
"Rick, I told you: I'm done with your adventures. I-I-I've made up my mind."
For a second, Morty thought he saw a sudden bleakness in Rick's eyes, though he blamed it on the dark. "C'mon, Morty. I n-n-need your help. I need yah, Morty. Y-you gotta help your Grandpa one last time. Th-this is a big adventure, Morty! W-w-we gotta do it together! You and me, Morty. Rick and Morty. Over and over. Just like old EEUURGGHH times."
Morty turned on the light to see Rick more clearly. Rick was in bad shape: his clothes were stained and unwashed, his face was droopy and tired, his lips were slathered with spit... And Morty was right about his eyes. Something was wrong.
Pity washed over Morty. But it was more than pity: it was purpose. Morty was needed again. Morty was wanted. He felt a smile curl around the edge of his lips.
"Okay, Rick. Okay," Morty said, getting out of bed. "I'll help you."
Rick took a celebratory swig from his flask and shoved it back in his coat. "C'mon, Morty! There's no time to waste!" With a surprising amount of energy, Rick lept from the bed, grabbed Morty by the wrist and yanked him all the way to the garage.
As the two of the burst through the garage door, Morty realized he hadn't seen Rick's lab in a long time. Everything seemed back to normal - perhaps a few more beer bottles lying around - but it had that fresh excitement which Morty had come to miss. He took it in before heading to the spaceship.
Rick got in on the driver's side, clumsily. As Morty reached for the passenger's door, he found that it swung open without his assistance. Startled, he jumped back.
And found Jamie in the passenger's seat.
"Hop in the back," she ordered. She leaned from her seat to grab Morty by the shirt and push him into the back of the aircraft. She shut the door.
Morty tumbled into the cramped backseat, his head hitting every conceivable part of the vehicle like a pinball. Before he could regain focus, Rick had flown them into the atmosphere.
"Suck on this, babe," Jamie gave Rick a bottle of water from her backpack to sober him up. He chugged it and tossed the trash in the back, which also hit Morty on the head.
"Ow!" Morty finally said once his forehead stopped pulsing. Giving his temples a rub, he shouted, "Rick! What the hell? I thought you said you needed my help!"
"I do, Morty! Y-y-you're a very key component to this plan! Y-you're an MVP, Morty!"
"O-oh really, Rick? Then why is she here?" Morty pointed to Jamie hatefully.
"I-I-I already told you, Morty! I need her to work the second transEERUUGGHHmitter! Jesus, do you need a mnemonic device or something?"
"Th-then what am I here for?!"
"For the love of God, Morty, can't we just have - can't we just enjoy another adventure, Morty? Jeez, y-y-you're frustrating me with all these questions!"
"Rick!"
"Okay! Okay! You want the truth, Morty? You want the truth? You're my human shield, Morty, remember? Your Morty waves cancel out my genius waves - w-we're traveling to another part of the universe, Morty! I need to be covered! I can't be tracked! Not with this kinda shit! Are you happy, Morty? A-a-are you satisfied?"
Morty's mouth hung agape. All of the relief, excitement, purpose he felt... Gone.
"B-b-but..." Morty's mind scrambled. That couldn't be true. "B-b-but - but what about Jamie, huh? She's got brainwaves that need to be covered, too, right? I can't just do it alone, right? I-I-I'm here for more than that, right?"
"Actually, your brainwaves cover me, too..." Jamie stated matter-of-factly.
Morty's mind raced for something - anything - but nothing came. He was here as a human cloaking device so Rick could get away with interdimensional robbery with an underaged girl. Betrayal hit him hard.
"Look, Morty, I-I-I know you're thinking you're pretty worthless right about now... And I'm not gonna say you're totEEURGGHHally wrong... B-but I really do need you, Morty! It's Rick and Morty, over and over, remember? A hundred years? Rick and Morty? 'Member? 'Member that old thing?"
Morty had no fight left in him. He left no response.
"Look!" Jamie suddenly shouted, pointing to something in the distance. "Is that the entrance, Rick?"
A swirling, purple mass, similar in structure to the portals that Morty had seen so many times before, seemed the size of a dime from such a far distance. It grew rapidly as the spaceship neared.
"A real Sherlock EEUURGGHH Holmes," Rick rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Jasper-"
"Jamie."
"Yeah, James. The bureaucrats won't allow any other entrance to their dimension in fear of theft or crime o-o-or some other nonsense bullshit excuse. Th-they don't want people comin' in and out faster than any beefed-up, brainwashed security guard with a laser gun and a bad attitude can shoot." The vehicle quickly approached the purple portal. Morty, though unwilling to express or process any emotion at the moment, noted that it was a lot larger than he had thought.
"And if wasting my gas money to get to the damn entrance isn't bad enough, they make you pay for parking."
Slowly, Rick eased the spaceship through the portal, which felt more tumultuous that the portals through which Morty had previously passed. The swirling mass shook the aircraft like a baby's rattle. Rick and Jamie tightened their seatbelts to steady themselves as Morty tumbled around in the backseat, the only person without a belt.
The purple chaos in front of the windshield suddenly vanished and the shaking abruptly ceased. The three passengers were then blinded by an array of lights and colors, too much to process all at once.
"Oh, SHIT, motherfuckaah! We're here!" Rick whooped and took a sip from his flask.
Morty peered from the backseat to see a gargantuan, neon-lit casino unlike any he had ever seen. A spherical, red building like a small planet was crowded with creatures from all dimensions; so much commotion happened around the casino that Morty couldn't fathom what it was like inside.
Rick glided the spacecraft over to a parking lot that was attached to the rear of the casino. Even from the back, the building looked fantastical.
"Pretty neat, huh, Morty?" Rick smirked. Morty didn't respond. "C'mon, Morty, y-you're bummin' me out! Can't you just appreciate this for a second? Soak it in, a little? Th-this thing's all - thing is all big and red and - lights, and - have a little respect, huh?"
"Let's just go," Morty said, defeated. He rudely shoved Jamie to the side to open the passenger-side door and hopped out. Standing on the ground, he strained his neck to look up to the top of the casino. It was pretty large.
A large duffle bag hit him in the back of the head. Spinning around, he saw Jamie about to toss him another.
"Grab a bag," she warned him before she bitterly pelted him with another. "All this cash we're gonna score needs to be carried somehow."
Rick pulled another sack from the back of the spaceship and held it out for Jamie, "Hold my sack for a second."
"I can do a lot more than that," she growled as she took the bag.
Rick closed up the spacecraft and locked it. He snatched back his bag from Jamie and motioned for the others to follow his lead. Jamie grabbed her sack quickly and followed him at his heel, but Morty hesitated.
He looked at the duffle bag at his feet. Was he really going to help his asshole Grandpa rob a government? It wasn't like he had a choice at this point. He wanted to feel bitter and angry, but the only thing he felt was exhausted. He loosely grabbed the bag and dragged it behind him as he followed Rick and Jamie.
Walking through the parking lot, Rick and Jamie went over their plan in a hushed whisper.
"Your transmitter set?" Rick questioned, inspecting her ear.
"Set and ready."
"Follow my lead in there, got it? Hey, M-Morty-" Rick turned around to see Morty trailing behind. Rick paused so Morty could catch up. "Morty, I'm gonna need you to sit with me on this one. Jeremiah's gonna go in first and play a round or two. She'll give me a ring when she's ready for us, then we'll head in and take the same table. You underEEURGGHHstand?" Morty rolled his eyes.
Jamie had already headed into the casino alone and disappeared into the crowd. Morty felt no relief to see her gone knowing that they'd meet up again shortly.
Rick watched Morty follow Jamie's path of travel. He knelt down next to Morty and placed his hand on Morty's shoulder.
"Look, Morty, I-I-I know you're feelin' like you've been replaced. You're upset you're not working the transmitter o-o-or sitting in on blackjack yourself. B-but you gotta understand, Morty! I really need your help here! I need you by my side! The truth is, Morty, I-I-I-" A loud beep from inside Rick's ear made him wince. "Ohhh, shit, dawg! That's the signal! C'mon, Morty, let's get this heist rollin'!" Rick shot up to his feet and pulled Morty behind him to the casino doors.
Pushing through the entrance, Rick and Morty were greeted by a hurricane of laughter, shouting, neon lights, and the smell of expensive alcohol. The ceiling to the casino bowed like a colossal dome; the peak was so far away from the ground level that it made Morty feel microscopic. Long, gold chains hung elegant but garish chandeliers from the ceiling. The walls were painted with vibrant reds and warm colors. Small vents along the walls pumped out cool, refreshing air, which Morty knew to be pure oxygen because one small inhale made his heart race with energy.
"Drink it in, broh," Rick patted Morty on the back, jolting him out of his astonishment. Rick walked toward a table against a wall, and Morty unenthusiastically followed.
Morty pushed through countless creatures, monsters, beings, and animate objects before reaching the blackjack table which Jamie had secured. When Rick and Morty arrived, the dealer, who was a large, insect-looking creature with three eyes and four pairs of wings, had just collected the cards in order to start another round. Rick stole an empty chair so conveniently placed next to Jamie and ordered the dealer to deal him in. Morty awkwardly watched from behind Rick's chair as the dealer cashed Rick's money for chips and dealt out hands to each of the players. There were four other alien creatures playing with Rick and Jamie, each looking more menacing and sinister than the last. Rick seemed indifferent toward his opponents, and Jamie was too busy sneaking glances at Rick to care about the monsters around her. Only Morty was wary of their situation.
After the players had time to look at their cards, they anted up and put on their poker faces. Suspicious glances were thrown left and right. As Rick checked his cards again, Morty peeked at what he had. In his hand, Rick held a queen of spades and a nine of clubs. Morty had no idea how many points Rick possessed; he was never good at math and he didn't know how much a queen was worth. Morty quietly thanked his lucky stars that he wasn't sitting at the table.
The bets were on, and they were high. Rick bet three quarters of his money, roughly $100,000, and a few other players reluctantly followed. Only Jamie and one other gelatin-like beast were anxious to match Rick's bet; the player at the end of the table folded entirely. Morty was begrudgingly impressed with how much money Rick and Jamie had made in their test-runs of the transmitters.
The first creature to play asked for two hits, but busted. The second asked for one hit and held. The third, the gelatin-looking creature, held his cards without any hits, which made a few players shift nervously in their seats. Jamie asked for three hits, each new hit making the table anxious for her to bust, but she held after three. Then it was Rick's turn. He knocked on the table twice, and received a two of clubs. It didn't matter what he really got - Rick had already calculated the necessary waves needed to fool the opponents into think his total number of points added up to 21, and he was ready to transmit as soon as he needed to flip his cards. After the round was said and done, the dealer asked each player to reveal his or her (or its) hand.
Going down the line, the second player held 17 points. The third had 20. Jamie had 19, and Rick, as soon as the transmitted waves reached the necessary distance, showed to have a perfect 21.
"Read 'em and weep, bitches!" Rick laughed as he scooped the toppling pile of chips into his arms. The other players sighed and shook their heads. Only the last player looked thankful that he backed out of that round.
Morty felt eyes staring at him from every corner of the room. As he scouted the area, he caught a few creatures looking at him, but when eye contact was made, the creature darted off in the opposite direction. Morty shifted uncomfortably.
"H-h-hey, Rick?" Morty nudged Rick cautiously on the shoulder. "Y-y-you got your money. C-can we go now?"
"Not now, Morty!" Rick batted away Morty's hand. "I'm on fire!"
Morty attempted to look calm, but he reflexive chewed on his nails as his eyes dashed around the room.
The next round, Rick was dealt a ten of hearts and a five of diamonds. Morty recognized the hand from the one Rick held in the garage and knew that Rick would scam the players into thinking he had a six of some kind. For some reason, a dreadful sinking feeling appeared in his stomach. Why was it that fear had to be the first emotion to return back to him?
Rick went all in. Two of the players folded immediately.
The second player busted and left the table, pockets empty. The third player asked for two hits and held. Jamie asked for no hits at all. Rick knocked for one, and received a queen. At least, that's what Morty thought he had seen before the card mutated into a six of spades before his eyes, and Rick placed it face down with the others.
For the big reveal, the gelatin-beast showed a 20, Jamie showed a 20, and Rick smiled wide as he spread his perfect 21 out on the table, gloating.
"Suck on that, motherfuckahs!" Rick boasted as he collected his chips again. "I'm just getting started!"
Morty viewed the competition. A few of them looked a little peeved at Rick's childish bragging, but none seemed unconvinced. Morty let out a small sigh of relief, thankful that the pit in his stomach had gone away.
"That man is cheating!"
Morty froze. He looked at Rick, who seemed more furious than frightened even after receiving such an accusation.
"What?" Rick demanded, looking up from his pile of chips to find whoever called him out.
"We don't tolerate scammers, asshole," a finger pointed at Rick. Morty followed the arm up to a thin, short-haired girl with a backpack.
Jamie.
4
The table hushed, as did a few nearby bystanders. Gradually, the majority of the room had their heads turned toward Rick, who scrambled to defend his case.
"You think I'm cheating? What the hell do you know, y-y-you little - you little shit?" Rick spat in Jamie's face.
"You want me to prove it?" she strided over to him, menacingly. With a quick movement, she dug her finger into his ear, plucked out the transmitter, and smashed it under her foot. She grabbed Rick's cards from the table and held them up for the players to see. Instantaneously, the six reverted back to a queen. Mumbles and gasps came from the crowd.
"You wanna take me out, bitch? Then you're going down with me-" Rick clutched her throat, dug out the transmitter from her ear, and displayed it to the room. "You controlled the second transmitter: that means you're just as guilty as I am!"
"We're well aware," the dealer at the table chuckled. "Cuff this man and his boy."
The second and third players in the game took handcuffs from a seemingly unknown source and latched them snuggly on Rick and Morty's wrists. Morty stood in udder fear and confusion.
"You set me up?" Rick hissed at Jamie. "This was your plan the whole time? To get me sent off to interdimensional prison?"
Jamie stood before Rick, stiffly. Suddenly, her face dropped and her eyes glazed over. She crumbled before him and sprawled out lifelessly on the ground. Behind her stood player number six with a screwdriver in his hand. Morty felt his knees wobble, as if he were about to imitate her actions.
"This wasn't her plan," continued the dealer. "It was ours."
"Oh, don't pull this cliffhanger suspense bullshit," Rick waved his arms sarcastically within the confines of what the cuffs would allow. "Y-y-you wanna tell me what's going on here or d-do you want me to play Twenty Questions?"
The dealer narrowed his eyes, slightly insulted. "We've been looking for you for a long time, Rick. You're wanted in over 60 dimensions on various criminal accounts, but we haven't been able to trace your exact location. That's why we created J-83, a robotic navigating device. She's been hopping through dimension after dimension to find the right you - not only drive you to a safe destination where the interdimensional government can finally arrest you for all of your crimes, but also to video record some of your more recent actions as proof of you breaking the law. It took state-of-the-art governmental technology, but we finally got you-" the dealer leaned closely into Rick's face. "-you son of a bitch!"
"I've heard enough," Rick rolled his eyes. He quickly launched himself at one of the undercover blackjack players and knocked him out with his metal cuffs. As the player fell hard to the ground, Rick smashed his cuffs onto the creature's sharp, blade-like spine and sliced right through the metal bands. With surprising strength, he lifted the unconscious monster from the ground and slammed its body into a mob of other alien cops coming as backup. The mob flung backward and dropped their laser guns, which Rick was quick to intercept. Armed with two weapons, Rick turned back to find Morty.
"Grab Jamie, Morty!" Rick said in a panic. "Grab Jamie and run!"
Rick shot at Morty's handcuffs and they dropped to Morty's feet. Startled and confused, Morty froze.
"What are you doing, Morty?" Rick shouted as he blasted more aliens who hurled toward him like linebackers. "Didn't you hear me?" Rick elbowed a creature in the abdomen, hopped on his back, and shot at the mob of monstrous cops that were closing in on him.
Morty felt it. The adrenaline. The rush of excitement.
An alien reached for Morty's throat, but Morty kicked him away. As three other cops ran toward him, Morty darted toward Jamie's stiff body and heaved it over his shoulder. She was heavy enough to slow him down, but the fear in his veins pushed him to run toward the exit to the parking lot.
"Ooohhhhhh!" Morty screamed as he saw his path of travel crowd with aliens armed with large tasers. "Rick!"
"I'm coming, Morty!" Rick shouted back. He positioned both guns in front of his body and pulled the triggers, creating a constant stream of deadly laser that tore a path through the thick horde of alien cops. He ran toward Morty, who was being taken down by an enormous mass of goo and tentacles. The slimy creature wrapped its tentacles around both Jamie and Morty's small frames and shoved them inside its jello-like body.
"Morty!"
Thinking quickly, Rick stuck his laser guns in his pockets and dove into the goo monster, grabbing Morty and the robot on the way through, and somersaulting out the other side of the creature, covered in a sticky, green slime. He threw Jamie over his shoulder and yanked Morty onto his feet.
"The spaceship, Morty! W-we gotta get to the spaceship!" The two dashed through the doors and into the open parking lot as a swarm of cops began to chase. Already, Morty could spot governmental spacecrafts coming in for backup.
Once they reached the spaceship, Rick unlocked the doors, tossed Jamie in the backseat, and pulled Morty in with him. Rick lifted them all into the air and floored the gas. The ship rocketed away from the casino, but the cops were already on their tail.
"Morty, listen! I need your help! You listening, Morty?" Rick said hurriedly.
Morty couldn't help but be a little defiant. "Oh, y-you sure you need my help, Rick? 'Cause, you know, we brought the lifeless robot Jamie with us, a-a-are you sure you don't wanna ask her?"
"Morty! This is not the time to be vindictive! We're in a bad situation, Morty, and I need you to focus!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Rick. I didn't realize-"
"Shut up, Morty! Shut up and man the portal gun!"
Rick spat his orders is such a frightening tone that Morty suddenly realized how bad the situation truly was. He turned to the back of the spaceship to see hundred upon hundreds of space police catching up to them quickly.
"Uh-okay-Rick..." Morty stammered as he rushed to find the buttons on the dashboard labeled "portal."
"Listen to me: we can't use the same portal we came through because the bureaucrats will follow us back home! We're gonna have to go through a series of portals to shake them off, got it?"
On his last word, the spaceship flew through a vibrant red portal that took them to a dimension Morty had never seen. The entire planet was a sea of coursing lava that swelled and surged and fogged the windshield. Behind them, a group of police ships erupted through the open portal.
"Portal, Morty! Make me a portal!"
Morty pushed the button, which he saw was set to "random." Another portal, this one a more familiar murky green, was shot from the front of the spaceship, and Rick drove hastily into it. They arrived in a dimension that was upside-down, where the grass grew from the heavens and the clouds sat comfortably on the ground. Before Morty could take in the view, he heard the sirens of cop ships entering the dimension.
"Portal, Morty!"
Morty hit the random portal button again, and Rick flew them into whiteness.
"Rick, they're just gonna keep following us!" Morty quivered as he saw more alien spaceships enter the nothingness.
"You're right, Morty! We gotta close the portals before they can get through!"
"H-how do we do that, Rick?"
"Set the time-frame for an open portal to .15 seconds. Then set the portal to dimension C-137!"
"Point one five seconds? Rick, do you even know if we can get through in that time?"
"It's our only shot, Morty! Any longer, and they'll catch us in our own home! We gotta try, Morty!"
Just then, bullets came flying at the spacecraft. It jolted the ship to the left, which gave enough time for the police to catch up a little more.
"Do it, Morty! Do it!"
Morty obeyed. Just as he changed the time-frame to .15 seconds, a police ship bumped the back of Rick's vehicle. Morty let out a cry of terror as he found dimension C-137 and opened up a portal.
Seeing life in slow motion, he turned around to see their spaceship go through the portal completely and to see a police spacecraft barely penetrate the entrance before the portal closed and decimated the front end of the vehicle.
The debris fell to the Earth as Rick and Morty zoomed away, unscathed.
Morty yelped with excitement. "We did it! W-w-we're alive!"
"Yeah, we made it!" Rick exclaimed, equally happy to see the familiar dimension. "You did it, Morty! You got us home!" Rick tousled Morty's hair.
Morty flinched cautiously, but smiled.
Rick slowed down the spaceship as they approached their garage. The garage door opened with a click of a button, and he gently glided them into the safety of their own home. They sat in the vehicle for a minute, relishing in the absence of commotion.
"Gee, Rick," Morty broke the silence. "I-I-I'm sorry you didn't end up...robbing the government, you know? I-I-It was real close there at the end and - and I'm sorry you - it d-d-didn't work out."
"Wrong, as usual, Morty," Rick smirked as he unbuckled his seatbelt and reached into the back of the spaceship. "On the contrary, dummy, I robbed them for everyEEUURRGHHthing they had!" With a grunt, he hauled Jamie's body from the back, exited the spacecraft, and unceremoniously dropped her onto his work table. Morty had forgotten about her for a brief second and was thoroughly displeased to have her back in his life.
"Her again?" Morty said, hastily getting out of the ship and marching over to Rick. "W-w-what, you miss her already? Y-y-you gonna have a - have a funeral for her, or something?"
"What? W-what are you rambling about, Morty?" Rick took out a screwdriver from his lab coat and dug it into Jamie's eye. He began to take her apart piece by piece, sorting out her remains.
A little disturbed by the grotesque nature of Rick's actions, Morty asked, "W-w-what are you doing, Rick?"
"Didn't you hear those bureaucrats, Morty? This is state-of-the-art governmental technology! The latest and - quote-on-quote - 'greatest'! All of their secrets to building hack-resistant sentient robots, right here! I've robbed them of their security systems! I've robbed them of their safety, Morty!"
"S-s-so, you weren't in it for the money?"
"Jesus, Morty, w-w-what do you think I am? An urban rapper? It was never about the money, Morty. Look at what I've scored! All of their security systems and overrides exposed! I-I-I can dissect this entire robot to find every flaw and every weak spot of their design!"
"W-wait," Morty scratched his head. "Y-y-you knew she was a robot the whole time?"
"Duh, dingdong," Rick said, sneering. "What kind of high school chick carries bottles of Uranium Titrate in her desperately passe backpack? Plus, th-those walkie-talkies she gave out had the bureaucratic logo on the backside of the circuit board. Y-you'd have to be an idiot to miss that second one."
Morty pursed his lips into a 'w,' knowing fully well that he would have never caught that piece of information. "S-s-so, if you knew she was a robot, why didn't you just take her apart at the beginning?"
"Christ, Morty! Do I have to explain everything to you? Each governmental robot has an emergency self-destruct in case it's hacked. I had to wait until those idiots at the casino safely turned her off in order to preseEEURRGHHrve her full system."
Rick had fully dissected her head until there was nothing left but a mechanical skull with nuts and bolts scattered over the table. It was a haunting sight to Morty, but Rick seemed indifferent. He took a few swigs from his flask and dribbled a bit onto his lower lip.
"Look, Morty, yEEURRGHHou gotta take this, Morty," Rick handed morty a CD that he pulled from one of the sorting piles on his desk. "And yEEURRGHHou gotta destroy it."
"Destroy?" Morty didn't like the sound of that word. "W-w-what - w-why?"
"I-I-It's the robot's memory CD, Morty. I-It's what the bureaucrats were gonna use to turn me in. I-I-I-It's got all the illegal shit we did, a-a-and it reveals where we live, Morty. The sons-a-bitches EEURRGHH couldn't make an interdimensional tracking device to put on her, but they figured they could analyze my location from her memEEURRGHHory."
Morty held the CD in his hands. All of Rick and Jamie's adventures, all of their successes at the local casinos, all of their drunken laughter... Before Morty could pitch another jealous fit, he looked up to his Grandpa, who had found a half-full beer bottle and was downing it hard while he immersed himself in his work. For the first time, a little empathy nibbled at Morty's toes.
"A-are you sure you wanna destroy it, Rick? Y-y-you don't wanna keep it for - for memory's sake, you know?"
"Didn't yah hear me, MEEUURGHHorty? That thing's proof of all the crimes I've committed! It's gotta be destroyed! Y-y-you want me to go to interdimensional prison, Morty? Y-y-you have no idea what prison is like there!"
"Gosh - okay, okay!" Morty said. He still cradled the CD in his hands. "I just thought... I dunno, it seemed like you liked - you were good friends, or something... Might wanna, you know, cherish the memories..."
"Friends?" Rick sounded disgusted. "Morty, she was a governmental...crazy...spy robot! Not to mention, she was like, really pervy. I don't know how you didn't notice. It was real - it was real creepy. Always...sayin' shit...real creepy. Now will yah just destroy the fucking thing?"
"Alright...Rick. I'll go...get rid of it...or something..."
Before Morty left the lab, he turned back to see Rick, who was now nose-deep in the kneecaps of the robotic being, prodding around with his screwdriver. Morty watch as his upper back raised and fell, as if letting out a small sigh.
Morty pondered how to destroy the CD. He thought about microwaving it, flushing it down the toilet, cutting it with scissors... He settled on burning it, and walked toward the kitchen for some matches. On his way, he passed through his empty living room where the TV was still on, but showing static.
"Huh," Morty mused aloud. He strolled over casually to turn it off, and noticed that the DVD player was also open. Before he could close it, he had an idea.
Morty ran to the entrance of the living room and checked around the corner to make sure no one was there. Then he skittered over to the glass doors and peered through to see if anyone was outside. Once he was sure he was all alone, he popped Jamie's memory CD into the DVD player.
"WOOOAHH!" the TV was set to a deafeningly loud volume which almost threw Morty against the couch. Morty rushed to turn it down before Rick heard it from his lab. Once the volume was soft, but not muted, Morty began to watch.
The first memory on screen showed Jamie handing Rick pieces of crystal and certain tools to help Rick fix his portal gun. Morty remembered this event, but he wasn't there to see it all unfold. Not much dialogue was between the two on the TV, but their teamwork was smooth and efficient. In a minute or two, the portal gun was lit up and running, and Rick smiled widely.
The next memory showed Jamie and Rick descending stairs into a rowdy, smoke-filled club. Bass-heavy music played and burly men sat around tables flinging coins, cards, and curse words at each other.
"You ready to tear these assholes bigger assholes?" Rick turned to Jamie and tapped on his ear. Morty concluded that they had made the transmitters by now.
"Only if we can do yours next," she giggled mischievously.
The video cut to a new memory where Rick and Jamie were flying in the spaceship. By the sound of their laughter, Morty assumed that both were pretty drunk.
"Oh-ho-ho... We got 'em! Oh, we got 'em so good..." Rick held up his beer bottle in a toast. Jamie tapped her glass to his and laughed.
"We really...hic...fucked 'em" Jamie slurred gleefully.
"Y-y-you know, y-you really shouldn't be drinkEEUURGHHing, Julia" Rick raised an eyebrow. "W-what are you, like, 12?"
"It's Jamie," Jamie snootily corrected. "And I don't give a fuck." Just then, she vomited a bit on herself.
"S-s-see, that's what I mean," Rick laughed at her. "Y-you can't - y-you're like...12." He took another sip from his bottle.
Morty felt a little bit of jealousy coming back, but he tried to keep it down.
The video cut again to show the two of them in the middle of a rather intense poker game.
"What, you're gonna fold again?" Jamie teased a timid looking, very round man who sat to her left. "Did you play this game so you could lose your money one dollar at a time?"
The timid man's eyes darted back and forth as he tried to hide his face in his cards. "I - I just ain't been havin' good cards..." he mumbled.
"Take a risk, for once!" Jamie pushed again. The man chewed his lip.
"Al...alright," he sighed as he pushed all of his money to the center of the table.
Rick laughed, "And Humpty Dumpty takes the fall!" as he splayed out his perfect 21 hand and collected the poor man's dough.
Jamie cackled and the round man shoved his head in his hands.
"Smooth tEEUURGHHalking there, Jannet," Rick burped, counting his money.
Jamie leaned close to his ear and whispered seductively, "Wanna see me do it again?"
Morty had been able to ignore most of Jamie's repulsive sexual advances, but Morty couldn't ignore was how outrageously drunk Rick was. Sure, he always burped and stuttered, but it seemed like with each new memory, Rick was far more intoxicated than the last.
The next memory cut to Rick's lab again, but this one was familiar to Morty. The layout of the room, the positions in which the two were sitting... Just as he realized when and where they were, he saw himself fuming in the doorway.
"Oh, really, Morty? Now who's leaving who, huh? Y-y-you're a hypocrite, Morty! Y-y-you're a little hypocritical...hypocrite!" Rick shouted.
Morty watched as the Morty on screen stormed away. He almost felt ashamed of how immature the whole experience was.
"Whatever. Let's roll, Jasmine," Rick walked toward the spaceship.
"Jamie."
Jamie buckled herself into the passenger's seat and watched Rick drink an entire bottle of alcohol in a few quick gulps.
"Good God," she said, almost sounding impressed. "How are...hic...you not dead by now?"
"Oh, y-y-you'd like that, wouldn't you, Morty?" Rick sarcastically replied.
Morty froze. What did he just say?
"Okay, that one wasn't even close,"Jamie suppressed a drunken laugh.
Rick turned his head with an eyebrow raised. "Huh? Oh." His eyes darted to the ground, and then he took a swig from his flask.
A long silence followed. Rick stared straight ahead, as if Jamie weren't even present. Jamie looked at her hands in her lap, twiddling her thumbs. Morty felt the awkwardness just watching... He couldn't imagine how it really must have felt at the moment.
Jamie looked out the windshield which revealed that Rick had already sped away from the house but traveled low to the ground, just above the tree tops. A few more seconds of awkward silence made Morty severely uncomfortable.
"Hey," Jamie said quietly, breaking the quiet. Morty was almost happy to hear her speak. "Do... Do you think Morty was serious?"
Rick didn't respond. He kept his eyes on the trees beneath him.
"...Rick?"
"Look," Rick snapped. "If Morty wants to bail, then EEUURGHH that's his choice!" His sudden sharp tone made Jamie jump, but she didn't look away.
After another swig of whiskey, he glanced to Jamie. She was still looking at him, almost expectantly. Morty felt himself looking at Rick the same way.
Another long silence followed. Jamie did not break her stare. Rick swished around the flask, deciding if he should take another sip. He paused for a beat. Then, with a heavy sigh, he put down the flask. "M-Morty's a good kid, what's-your-name. H-h-he doesn't deserve to be put in danger."
Morty felt his eyes swell. Jamie continued to look at Rick.
"You really care about him, don't you?" she said, as if stating a fact instead of asking a question.
Rick continued to keep his gaze on the windshield.
"You want to protect him, but you don't want him to leave your side."
No response.
Jamie looked down at her hands again.
Morty silently begged her to look up.
"You just don't want him to end up like you."
Jamie finally looked to Rick, whose eyes were welled with tears. He clamped them shut and bowed his head, hands shaking on the steering wheel.
"Look, Jamie-"
"RICK, LOOK OUT!" Jamie wailed, pointing to the oncoming trees that Rick was unknowingly flying into. Rick screamed as he turned hard on the steering wheel, sending them both flying to the right, but successfully missing the trees. Rick pulled up on the spacecraft and they dove into the dark night sky.
The video cut and ended.
Morty blinked at the black screen he saw before him. He looked down at his shirt to see that the bottom of it was damp with tears, and his cheeks hung heavily from his face, spongy and wet. He rubbed his eyes gently and bit his quivering lower lip.
Shakily, Morty ejected the CD from the player and turned it over in his hands. Then he moved solemnly to the kitchen, grabbed some matches, and lit the CD aflame in the living room's fireplace.
5
Around midnight, after Morty watched the CD dissolve in the flames, Morty snuck away from his bedroom down to the garage.
Morty stepped softly up to the door and leaned his ear against it. At first, everything was quiet. Morty closed his eyes and focused harder. Eventually, he heard a faint grumbling from inside the lab. With a smile, Morty quietly opened the door.
"OoooEEURRGHut," Rick slurred. "Y-you lil'...piece a sh...pieceashit..."
Morty walked over to his Grandpa, who was worse off than usual. His head was laid uncomfortably on the desk while his hands desperately tried to continue their work on the robot. His back was arched and his neck was craned and he reeked of alcohol. He seemed almost black-out drunk.
"Rick," Morty put his hand on Rick's shoulder. Rick tried to register who he was talking to, but his eyes couldn't focus. "Rick, it's Morty."
Rick paused. "M-M-Morty?"
"Yeah, Rick. Your grandson."
"M...Morty," Rick used all of his energy to lift his head from the desk. "M-M-Morty w-whadahell 're you...d-doing awake?"
"Oh, you know, I-I-I just wanted to know if you - if you wanted any help, is all."
Rick looked at his mess of a desk, confused by his own work. "H-help-"
"Yeah, I wanted to, you know, help out. 'Cause, w-w-we haven't done a lot together recently, and - and I-I-I thought maybe I could...help you out? A little?"
Rick stared at his grandson without response.
"I-It's just that were - you know, Rick and Morty, you know? A - a hundred years, you know? O-over and over?"
A small spark of light flashed in Rick's eyes.
"Y-y-you wanna EEURGHH help y-y-your Grandpa?"
"I-I sure do, Rick."
Rick placed his hands on Morty's shoulders and looked him warmly in the face.
"O-okay," he nodded gently. "O-o-okay you lil'...lil' pieceashit."
Rick blacked out and fell off his chair, toppling down overtop of Morty.