A/N: Did you guys think I'd leave you like that? That I wouldn't try to write a fanfic that would fix the colossal (pun intended) crime that Isayama committed with that damn Chapter 105? Please, this is our favorite girl (and our ship) we're talking about here, so, enjoy :D
This story contains MAJOR SPOILERS for Chapter 105 (boo-hoo-hoo), as well as for the Marley arc in general, so be warned.
The title was a suggestion by fellow-Attack on Titan fan and very good friend T3lis, who is also a major Sasha Blouse fan :)
Disclaimer: I don't own the Attack on Titan universe and characters in any way
Life can be lost so unexpectedly, so suddenly. You think you're prepared for the loss, you think you've accepted it with the life you lead, when you don't know whether you'll be alive tomorrow…when you actually consider it a miracle that you've survived for so long, after countless battles, after travelling across the ocean, after seeing one destruction after the other.
Lies, all of it. Connie thinks now bitterly as he sits in the dark mess hall of the Survey Corps Headquarters, with only the lit candles on a candelabrum to illuminate the darkness, creating shadows on the walls that, combined with the agony and the horror, give a somewhat terrifying hint to the familiar environment. No one can be fully prepared for the loss and anyone who will ever claim that is lying to themselves!
He throws a side glance towards Jean, who's sitting next to him with that trademark emotionless expression of his, although Connie can see his friend's own impatient agony in the way his hand is balled in a fist and in that furious look in his eyes, as if he's barely suppressing himself from hitting someone to burst out everything he's feeling. They've been sitting here for hours now, ever since they arrived from Marley, waiting for any news that will give them some sort of information about Sasha's health.
Connie grinds his teeth together as he remembers how his best friend got shot by that goddamn Marleyan brat just when they thought their mission was a success. He can't chase away the image of Sasha falling down covered in her own blood, her trembling voice as she struggled to say a few words, how she fell unconscious and made everyone believe for a few moments that she had succumbed to her grave injury.
"We stabilized her situation…at least for now." Hanji explains, her healthy eye travelling from Connie to Jean and then to Eren. "It's up to her now when she'll wake…if she'll wake…I have to warn you, though, you must be prepared for the worst."
"What are her chances?" Eren wants to know, his voice barely heard due to his tears, like he's unable to handle the guilt of his suicidal actions, which led to this outcome. "Hanji-san, what are her chances?"
"Very slim, I'm afraid. Close to none. If you have anything open with her…you better go and say it now before you regret staying silent."
Jean leaves a sigh as he recalls Hanji's words as well. Their arrival here and Sasha being carried to the infirmary right away hadn't improved her chances at survival; the scientist had made it clear to them that it was already pure luck that Sasha had survived until now. The longer she stayed unconscious, the closer she came to never waking up. The young soldier sighs again and now he's filled with the regrets Hanji had warned them from…because he's such a coward that he didn't listen to her advice during their journey home…and now he fears he'll never have the chance to openly speak about everything he has in mind.
"As long as Hanji isn't coming, it means Sasha's fighting, right?" Connie's voice sounds broken and weak, since it's the first thing he's said ever since they exited their airship and entered their base. "It means we have reasons to hope."
"I never supported the opinion that no news is good news." Jean simply disagrees, but Connie understands immediately the hidden meaning of this sentence. It's torturing both of them, after all, this waiting, and they both wish that someone will have mercy on them and tell them what the hell is going on.
We can't stop hoping. We simply can't. If we stop hoping it will look like we're giving up on her…like we've condemned her already. Her chances are few, I know that, but we have to rely on these few chances until Hanji comes to us.
The shrieking of the door alerts the two men, who gasp startled at the noise, thinking that it's Hanji, although they lower their guard at the next moment when they see that it's only Mikasa, who sits silently across from Connie, blank expression, depressed gaze and looking almost ominous in the candlelight.
"Remember how I once accused Sasha of passing some gas when Shadis wanted to know why we were making such a ruckus? She pretty much yelled at me that night how I could do this to her, but then she dropped it, like it was nothing…like she deserved being accused or something." She starts talking and the other two look surprised at her, since Mikasa isn't usually one to start emotional conversations. "She treated me like always, as if it wasn't a big deal…and to think that I didn't even apologize to her."
"Sasha? Sasha! Please, don't go, you can't go, not now!" Armin cries out as the two of them kneel over her unconscious form, his hands on her shoulders and tears running down his face, confronting for once more the inevitable of pain and loss, the trademark characteristics of the Scout Regiment…the consequences of choosing to fight for humanity.
Mikasa doesn't plead like her childhood friend does, but she can't stop her own tears as she stares at Sasha and yells her name…the name of someone who's been through thick and thin with her, who comforts her at nights when she has a bad dream…and she can't believe that they're one step before losing her forever, the light of the Survey Corps.
"Please, if there's anyone here who deserves to be Number One in treating her badly it's me, or don't you guys remember how often I laughed at her and called her names when we were cadets? And I never told her how sorry I am either, but she never held a grudge against me, quite the contrary, she acted like she had forgiven me, just like that, like she simply wanted to put everything in the past and move on." Jean laughs sadly and avoids his friends' gazes, unable to meet their pity or their forgiveness…in fact, right now he can't even handle the fact that Sasha herself forgave him so easily…without once reprimanding him for his past behavior…and simply teasing him back in those precious moments of happiness in the midst of this freaking war.
He looks at her face, at how calm she is, her expression not betraying the fact that right now she's struggling for her life despite the fact that everyone has pretty much doomed her. She's almost like a little girl now, like the twelve-year-old girl he met when he joined the military and she was so reckless that she managed to irritate Shadis from the first day of training already. And after everything she's been through…to die like that, with the battle already over…
"Wake up, Potato Girl, damn it! You can't leave us like that, not now…Just, just wake up and I'll treat you your favorite meal, I'll make everything better…" He whispers with a small laughter, her peaceful silence tormenting him even worse, that stoic look of hers. His one hand is squeezing hers and the other is lightly pressed against her cheek, as if he hopes that he'll manage to reach her through some gentle touches and give her a reason to open her eyes.
A few years ago he would never be so openly emotional. It was her, her jokes, her smiles, her compassion that taught him that it's okay to show emotions, that it's not weakness, that he has people who care about him, that he's not as alone as he thought he was. She had managed to break the walls he had built and he had allowed her to, opening up to her like it was something totally normal. If she goes now, he'll practically lose his reason to smile and be open again.
There are so many things he wishes to tell her, apologies and confessions he needs to express…and yet he can't, not under these circumstances. She doesn't deserve that, she doesn't deserve words whispered when she's fighting for her life. No, she'll wake up and then he'll talk to her about everything.
"Are you two serious right now? Are you actually freaking serious?" Connie yells and hits his fist on the table, making Jean and Mikasa look surprised at him, being caught off guard by how genuinely furious he's sounding. "We don't even know how she is and you're talking like you're already practicing your speeches for her funeral, damn it! Shut up, just shut up, stop…stop talking like she's dead already…" he concludes, the anger dissipating from his voice and leaving only sadness behind, as he fights with all his strength in order not to start crying.
"You're right, buddy, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to sound like that. T-This is Sasha we're talking about, right? She's survived serious injuries before, there's still a chance she'll live through this one too." Jean briefly squeezes Connie's shoulder as he lowers his head, not wanting to make his friend feel even worse than he already does.
He exchanges a look with Mikasa, the black-haired woman sighing and shaking her head as if she wants to say that such hopeful wishes don't have any sense now, not when Hanji has warned them to be prepared for the worst outcome. Still, no matter how hard he tries to stay realistic, optimistic thoughts is what Jean and Connie need more than anything. It's something Sasha has told them, from the very first moment: that good things and positive moments exist even when the whole world has turned against them, like small fragments of color when they're engulfed in this dark mess the war has thrown at them ever since they were younger.
A war with absolutely no sense, people fighting and killing people…and for what? For some goddamn Titan powers that will only be used as further weapons to destroy and murder.
This vicious circle of tragedy will never end, Connie mentally states, remembering what Jean had wondered when he was one step before eliminating the Cart Titan and that young Marleyan warrior had jumped in the middle, begging the Scout not to do it. The same Marleyan warrior who had followed Gabi into the airship and had tried to prevent her from shooting Sasha…Falco, Connie believes his name is.
Their morbid thoughts are interrupted with the sound of the door opening once more and Hanji entering the mess hall. The woman almost stumbles as she approaches them, tiredness clearly written on her face and how she barely stands on her feet and the candlelight only making her pale face even paler. But when she sees Mikasa's eyes widening in fear, Jean jumping on his feet with a terrified expression and Connie walking towards her with quick steps, her tensed shoulders relax visibly and she even offers them a tentative, comforting smile.
"She made it. She's going to survive…I thought it was impossible, but she found the strength to live." She whispers, her smile widening, as if she only now realizes what exactly she's saying. "She'll need plenty of time to recover, of course, and I'll need to examine her again, but the danger is gone, she'll be in her previous healthy state."
And it's as if the room is suddenly filled with light, like new hope penetrating the darkness, overwhelming them with fragile joy, like they're still afraid that this isn't true. Connie leaves a sob of happiness as he engulfs Hanj in a spontaneous hug, thanking her for saving his best friend…Mikasa sighs in relief and even gives Connie a hug of her own, like she wants to tell him that it's over, that everything will be well…And Jean slumps back in his seat as all agony abandons him and is replaced by contentment while covering his eyes to hide the small tears that appear in them.
You stupid Potato Girl, had to go and scare the living daylights out of us, eh?
"Is she awake, may we see her?" Mikasa wants to know, releasing Connie from her hug as she addresses Hanji, her face marked by a rare, genuine smile now that she knows her friend will be okay.
"Of course! She's exhausted, but she's asking for you!"
"Hey, Jean, you hear? We can even see her right now and scold her for terrifying us like that!" Connie exclaims with a laughter, his voice now holding none of the previous despair and hopelessness. He pats the other man on the shoulder, noticing his distress and he smiles kindly. "Come on, man, I know you were worried, but you heard the news."
"Yeah. Yeah, I know it's just…I almost lost the chance to tell her everything I had in mind." Jean tells him while raising his head and Connie can see the qualms and the fear in his expression; it's still there, a dark fear chasing him, the What-if's a torment that's not leaving him alone: What if Sasha hadn't come out of this alive?
"Then let this be a lesson for you." Connie tells him seriously, wanting to make his point clear; he almost lost his best friend, damn it, and he's determined not to let a single opportunity pass by again. "See it as a new hope, as another chance…Tell her everything now, don't make the same mistake."
It's still a fresh hope, of course, and he knows a long time will probably pass before the angst goes away. It's only a faint whisper right now, until reality settles in and they process the fact that Potato Girl will stay with them. But, whisper or not, it's here, it's true and it would be their fault if they don't use it and enjoy it, especially when they came so close to ruin.
"Connie is right. You two should go to her, I'm sure she'll be very happy to see you." Mikasa nods and now she's wearing her usual expression with that permanent anger lying underneath. "Tell her I'll visit her tomorrow, okay? There's something I need to do first."
When Falco notices the black-haired woman approaching the cell where he and Gabi are held captive, he throws a concerned glance towards his comrade, who's been walking up and down for hours now, fuming and cursing under her teeth. He's worried that the Scout has come to announce them the exact accusations against them and maybe tell them about Blouse's demise, the one Gabi shot. His suspicions become stronger when he sees that it's the Ackerman woman who's paying them a visit and he automatically shrinks in his mattress in fear, bringing his knees close to his chest. He may not know what relation exactly she shares with Levi Ackerman, Humanity's Strongest, but after seeing her in battle he's come to respect her abilities and fear her as much as he fears the Captain of the Survey Corps.
"Ms. Ackerman." Falco addresses her nonetheless, preventing Gabi from speaking first and worsening her position, mentally rolling his eyes at his reckless and suicidal friend; after everything, she hasn't shown a single hint of regret and that's made everyone hate her even more.
It's clear that the polite way with which she's been addressed surprises Mikasa, although she still inclines her head towards Falco. She knows that the kid has gained a more objective point of view after witnessing the conversation between Eren and Reiner and this, combined with the fact that he tried to stop Gabi when she shot Sasha, has made her more willing to recognize his limited responsibility compared to his friend. Still, Mikasa can't stop but think about the irony of everything as she stares at them…two twelve-year-old combative soldiers—warriors—that want to change the world.
When she and her friends were twelve years old, they joined the military to fight Titans, believing back then that these creatures were the true enemies.
Gabi and Falco are twelve years old and already so brainwashed that they considered the Scouts the demons of Paradis despite being Eldians themselves…without seeing what damage the nation of Marley has inflicted on all of them.
"It seems that you're luckier than we expected, at least in the accusations that will be made against you." She speaks to Gabi, who is the one who'll answer for way more things than Falco. "And, quite probably, much luckier than you deserve in the first place."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Gabi bellows while staring at Mikasa as if she's an annoying insect. "Came here to scold me for killing your precious little friend? Do you expect an apology or something?"
"No. No, for the simple reason that you didn't kill her. My friend, the woman you shot and thought you killed, will survive and recover without any permanent issues to her health." Mikasa replies coldly, not holding any feelings of pity towards the younger girl, who's ruthless even now. In fact, it's the very first time in four years she can almost sympathize with Reiner, whose life as a warrior and as a soldier messed him up and the regrets drove him crazy.
She watches the two children carefully and can't help but observe their different reactions. Falco sighs in relief, as if he's glad that his friend won't have the stigma of murdering a member of the Scouts' elite squad. Gabi, on the other hand, seems angrier than ever and she places her hands on her waist, her eyes practically burning.
"You know, when I said you're lucky that Sasha survived, I meant it. The blood of your victims never leaves your hands, it's something you carry with you forever." The young Ackerman confesses, thinking, with a bitter smile, that she was even younger than Gabi when she killed her first person. "And you're lucky for another reason. If Sasha had died, I seriously wouldn't guarantee you how the others would react…and I'm not sure I'd hold them back if they attempted to avenge her by attacking you."
She knows she's cruel, but she's honest, recalling how everyone reacted when Hanji told them that Sasha didn't have many chances. Eren's guilt, Armin's pleas, her own tears, Connie's devastation and Jean's shock…how would all of them be if the unspeakable had happened? Eren is facing accusations about his suicidal tactic already…and Gabi will surely be blamed for attempted murder…but how would things look like if they were mourning a close friend right now?
"Spare me your pity and your threats and execute me already, because you're in danger for as long as I live! I am a warrior of Marley and that's what I'll always be!" Gabi shouts, pushing Falco away when he attempts to calm her, lost in some kind of delirium that reminds Mikasa of Reiner's rambling when he revealed his true identity. "That she-demon freaking deserved to die like a pathetic worm, just like you, Ackerman, just like Jaeger and all of you demons! And you, you…you traitor," she turns towards Falco, "how dare you speak to her so calmly, didn't you hear her threats, her—"
"Shut the hell up, Gabi, don't you see you make everything only worse? You almost killed a Scout in cold blood, what did you expect, congratulations?" Falco yells at her, Mikasa's presence now forgotten, something the nineteen-year-old understands as she takes her leave.
No matter how many years will pass, she'll never understand what kind of brain-washing and guilt-tripping all these Eldian children are going through…to the point of considering their fellow-Eldians their true enemies.
It's just like we realized back when we found out that we're not only fighting Titans. Humans, people, can be way worse monsters than the Titans ever were.
Being alive feels so heartwarming and at the same time so surprisingly odd, Sasha thinks as she's lying down, unable to sleep, hazel eyes travelling all around the infirmary room. It's like she's reborn after all that struggle, like she's discovering the world from the beginning…like she's noticing details she hadn't noticed before, like the wax from the candle on her bedside table, the worn out cotton from the blanket covering her, some pieces of wood missing from the window frame, the soft material of her white nightdress. And the sounds…the wind howling outside, Connie's light snoring—the guy always had a restless sleep—Levi barking orders downstairs without caring how late it is, restless steps from the room next to hers, a cat mewing at the moon.
She tries to sit up lightly, but she only manages to steady her head against her pillow before she leaves a painful groan, her stitches stretching as she moves. Hanji has warned her that her wound will hurt her even with the slightest movement for several days and therefore she needs to be lying down for some time, resting and eating properly and avoiding any kind of stress. Still, sensing her wound is like a physical reminder of what she went through and her eyes travel towards Connie and Jean's sleeping forms; the two of them insisted on staying with her tonight and had even brought their sleeping bags to be more comfortable.
If what Hanji's true and she barely survived…she came literally one step before death, with odds worse than the ones when she got injured in Shiganshina four years ago. Sasha is unable to process all that…her precious life almost lost…she feels so small right now, so weak, so vulnerable with the large bandage around her, her hair tied in a side ponytail to not disturb her, unable to move to reach the medicine on the table. And her friends…after she woke up, Hanji told her that they were all in great agony for her and she had asked to see them immediately.
"Sasha! Thank God!" Connie exclaims as he bursts into the infirmary followed by Jean, approaching her and closing her in his embrace within seconds, taking care not to hurt her even more. He closes his eyes, trying not to cry again, and smiles when he senses Sasha hugging him back; weakly due to her state, but still a hug, a living proof that she hasn't left them.
Soon enough, all three of them are engulfed in a group hug, with Sasha between them, like a silent agreement Jean and Connie have reached to stand by her side, help her recover and protect her from any future harm. It makes Sasha feel warm, safe, like she's only now realizing what she could have missed and what she'll continue to have now that she's still alive.
"So, is it my turn to say that you two are special?" She whispers with a giggle, repeating Connie's words when the mission in Marley was declared a success, evoking a chuckle from both men.
"Cut the sentimental stuff, Potato Girl."
As she recalls the scene of approximately an hour ago, with her sleeping friends next to her, with the pain of her wound still existing and with a light fever bothering her, it's like Sasha's confronting her mortality stronger than ever. She can't hold it back, everything she could have lost with her death, the hope to see her father, the mission to fight for humanity, the small moments of happiness and even hidden tenderness…It's too much for her and she bites her lips as warm tears run down her cheeks, expression of relief for being alive and of fear for what could have happened.
Until she feels a wet cloth against her heated forehead, a pleasant sensation that cools her sweat almost immediately and helps her breathe more calmly, followed by an awkward and yet kind caress on her cheek that wipes the tears away. Between her quiet sobs, Sasha can't help but chuckle because she knows exactly who it is: between Jean and Connie, only one would want to make gestures of kindness and be totally embarrassed at the same time.
"Shhh…Hey…Hey, don't be afraid…You're here, you'll be okay before you know it…"
"S-Spare me…Spare me the comfort, Jean, you were always a realist." Sasha hisses as another sob escapes her lips. "F-Feel so weak right now…afraid to fall asleep, thinking I'll die…w-who knows, maybe…maybe this is it for me. Maybe I don't have any heart to give to humanity anymore."
"No, no, no, Sasha, don't do this to yourself! You just came out alive from a very harsh battle…you have so much strength in you, believe me…See it…See it as a new chance, as…as a new hope for you."
What makes Sasha's sobs cease and the young woman turn towards Jean isn't so much the gentle tone of his voice, but how broken he sounds, and she leaves a loud gasp at the sight of his distraught expression and his amber eyes glistening with unshed tears. She feels so guilty right now and she wordlessly takes her hand in his as a silent apology…he's right, instead of being happy that she's alive, she's drowning in alternative scenarios of horror.
The hug he gives her now is similar and yet so different to the hug they shared with Connie earlier, caring and desperate at the same time, like they truly want to pass a message of hope to each other. Sasha's grip around him tightens instinctively; after being surrounded by a dark void all these days of unconsciousness, this hug is exactly what she needs, a breath of fresh life, a motive to continue the battle.
"I missed you, you know. All these days, watching you struggle, unable to help you…And you made it, all on your own…God, do you know how proud I am?" Jean whispers and tentatively kisses her; it's soft, gentle and comforting, not wanting to let the chance go like he did in the past and he smiles when he senses Sasha reciprocating, sweetly and full of gratitude.
It's new hope, evident and clear, now no longer a mere whisper. It's like all negative emotions disappear automatically. There's no fear of death right now, no anger at all those responsible, no guilt at what everyone could have done differently. Right now there's only tenderness with a hint of despair, like they're two children who lean on each other in the middle of the storm.
"Get some rest, Sasha. There's nothing to be scared of. I promise you, you're going to be just fine."
When Sasha wakes up the next morning, her fever has fallen slightly and, although she still feels very weak, she feels more optimistic about the future than last night—especially when she is tackled into a hug the second she opens her eyes, courtesy of Mikasa.
"You little minx, do you have any idea how much you scared us?" Mikasa chuckles, having abandoned her angry demeanor for once and only focusing on her friend.
"'M sorry…M-Mikasa…Trying to breathe here." Sasha replies with a soft giggle, since the other woman's strength can be felt in her hug as well, especially due to her recovering injury. At that moment, though, her stomach growls so loudly that everyone in the room can hear it, making Connie laugh loudly. "U-Um…Is by any chance breakfast ready?"
"Alright, alright, got the message, ma'am, at your service." Jean salutes and laughs, in a much better mood himself now that he sees Sasha more cheerful, although he glares at Connie and Mikasa, who are smirking ironically. "Hey, what are you laughing at, you morons, your cooking sucks, do you wanna poison the girl? I'm afraid we might be out of potatoes, though."
"Wha—Potatoes? Jean, I've told you already, I have no idea what you're talking about, I've forgotten about this stupid stuff." The patient complains, although her sly wink and her wide smile indicate that she hasn't exactly forgotten about this stupid stuff; that she's only continuing a game that started four years ago and that she enjoys that she's there to go on with her jokes.
"And I've told you that the rest of us remember and will continue to remind you."
Of course, now that Jean thinks about it, under the new circumstances, this sounds more than a childish promise that he'll remind her of some teasing between teenagers. This sounds more like a promise that he'll remind her, in her bad moments, that she has reasons to fight, to stay alive, to be proud of herself for everything she has accomplished, including staying alive when everyone was pretty much ready to say their goodbyes.
Judging from the way Sasha squeezes his hand and mutters a "Thanks" before he leaves, she gets the message as well.
A/N: Ooookay, my dearies, that was it for now, hope you liked it :D Oh, man, I still can't believe what has happened, thanks a lot, Isayama -_- Well, stay tuned for more fics, love you all :)