I am always the one to cling to him. He walks ahead, and I hold onto his hand desperately, wanting and needing him to stay. He pulls me forward a very few steps, and then comes back and waits while I throw tantrums and eventually get used to this new place.
My Kaoru.
We get along perfectly well, though. Even when I'm pissing and moaning and being a spoiled brat, he stands beside me, patiently. Of course, I never get mad at him.
If I ever got mad at him, he might finally leave me behind the next time.
That's the thing. I struggle with every new thing, and he's like a parent, usually. I'm the older one. I'm the seme, when we playact for the girls. Maybe I'm the one that doesn't know how to submit and follow the other's lead.
I always follow him, in the end, don't I? After all the stubbornness and breaking things, I follow him.
When he follows me, it's as though he knows where I'm going already.
Why are we so different?
I want to stay here in our world where no one will take him away.
I'm not lonely. I'm not. I don't need the club, or Tamaki, or Hunny, or Mori, or Kyouya.
Or Haruhi.
But, as much as I don't need her, she's a nice girl.
So, as long as Kaoru's going to leave sooner or later, I have to get used to clinging shamefully to someone else.
My Kaoru, I want to be able to let you go. I want you to be free to walk that path before you without pause.
Send me a postcard when you get to wherever you're going.
I feel loved when I am near him. No matter how empty the world outside is, he is with me. I didn't have other friends until the club. I didn't want them. Everyone hates us, the snotty twins that insult everything around them.
He doesn't hate me.
My Hikaru.
I can see him trying to grow up. It's not easy for him. I show him the way, and he gets upset, and I stay with him just like he always stays with me.
He keeps hold of me, as though I'm going to vanish. His grip is the grounding point. I know where to come back to, so long as he holds on.
If I ever strayed to far… If he ever let go, where would I drift to?
I can feel that grip loosening. And I knew that it would come, because I'm the one that showed him how.
Here is the artery, right here in my neck. There is the knife, can you see it, my Hikaru? Pick it up and press it down and watch as I finally leave you in peace.
He is attaching himself to Haruhi. I can watch it, day by day. He talks to her and his grip slips a little bit more.
My Hikaru. You need this, and want this, and I'm trying to help you. Because, now that you need something else, you don't need me.
I'm going to die when you let go, but you don't know that yet.
Before you get confused, let me be clear; No, Kaoru is not going to kill himself when Hikaru lets go. It's just figurative.