Disclaimer: Characters belong to their respective creator! They are in no way mine!
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Muzzle my Mouth
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Muzzle my mouth for it betrays me,
Steal my lips for left un-sealed they speak of you,
Slice my tongue less it spill the truth I feel…
"I love you," the words fell from my mouth before I knew what I was saying. It was no good… denial got me no where and admitting to it left a weighted burden on my shoulders I was not sure I could carry. But you were not there you did not hear my confession to the night sky so what did it matter?
You were home tucked away in the only bed in our shared apartment. 'What are you dreaming of?' I wonder to myself as I walk unsteadily home the stench of liquor on my breath. I can still taste the cheapness of the drink though the reasons I drank at all escape me… of course that's why we all knock back a few isn't it? To forget…
I forget many things when I drink, sometimes even my name… though tonight I am not so far gone. I should still be able to spell Sha Gojyo if I had ink and parchment. However, no matter how much I drink I cannot forget you. Even in the stupor of half sleep I can clearly see your face. Why is that?
Reaching the door to our home I move to go inside… crap... it doesn't want to open. Obstinate piece of trash! I kick it before remembering that you are asleep within. "Fucking hell!" Then recalling the keys in my pocket I fish around my jeans, '…I need to unlock it… ' The seemingly difficult task becomes much less complicated when reason is applied and the door clicks silently open and closes just as quietly behind me.
I wander back to see if the ruckus I caused has woken you… It has not… either that or you are pretending again. You pretend much more than I sometimes realize but watching the rise and fall of your chest I think perhaps you are truly asleep tonight.
Emboldened by the consumption of alcohol I approach you slowly leaning over the bed to peer at your sleeping face. You are not asleep, you know that I am here.
Just once I would like to watch you when you have no idea that I am looking, maybe then I could see past the mask you wear so tightly over the truth.
Heh, there is another funny thing, truth… But right now I do not care to think on it I am far to infatuated by the serene look on your face.
You sigh, a sign that I have overstayed my welcome and must leave before you waken further. But in the end I decide to disregard the warning and continue sitting by your side. Maybe tonight I can tell you… maybe tonight I can show you… prove to you…
I reach towards your hand which rests peacefully on a tattered and flattened pillow but shy away when your eyes open with a most excellent timing which you have always possessed.
You look up at me your green eyes sparking just a bit as the moonlight gleams through them.
I feel like a child who has been caught doing something wrong. I cannot move… I must move… If I move you might look away… If I don't move you might hate me… Which should I choose…? I don't know. My nerves and sensibility have left me.
Can I… let you decide? Staring back to find my answer I discover it has already been set in stone long before my mind had caught up.
You know I'm drunk, my reasoning gone, though if I might say so I do some of my best 'thinking' at times like these. A smile touches your lips and I understand what intentions you hold.
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'Ugh… my head…' I open my eyes and the sunlight hurts just a little more than usual as my drunken coma begins to wear off. I know what happened last night, I know you held me through the hours of sleep and I know that nothing more than exactly that occurred. But unlike the times this took place before your arms are still around me.
I want to turn and face you but I can taste the shit my breath smells like and I dare not subject you to it. Instead I flatten myself on my belly and pull your arm across my back hoping this can last a little while longer as I close my eyes and return to sleep.
Time passes far too quickly and when I feel your body rise from the bed I want to pull you back down but you have gone into the bathroom. The shower comes on and as the steam floats out the half open door I can feel the color in my face rise. '… No I shouldn't think about those things… nnn… why? Why do I always have such perverted thoughts?!'
Soon I've relaxed again but all the feelings of tension rush back tenfold when you walk into the room wearing only a towel around your slim waist. The water slips down your torso and I feel every need to leave as quickly as possible.
Rushing past you I stumble into the bathroom just in time to hide myself. "Nugh…" I fall ungracefully against tiled wall of the tub. 'This isn't fair… First my mind and now my body? Who will betray me next? Dear god, please make it end... I shouldn't feel this way, not about you… but you are so perfect, so amazing, handsome, smart… Shit, there I go again' Pressing hard I drive the base of my palm into my forehead.
I comeback down from my thoughts and turn on the shower, raising my face upwards to meet the liquid warmth I sigh through the soothing water. Gazing down my problem still boldly lives on. I cannot go back out there in like this…
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I fall to my knees in the shower barley missing the wall with my head. 'Mustn't make noise…' I bite down on my tongue silencing myself but despite my efforts a small groan escapes.
"Gojyo?" a soft voice fills my ears and fear swells within my heart.
Have I been discovered? Panic leaves me shaking under the downpour of slowly cooling water.
You approach the shower curtain your figure throwing a shadow revealing the silhouette of lean shoulders. "Hasn't the hot water run out yet?" Your long fingers reach out and brush the fabric that hangs between us.
I sigh a little too loudly as all evidence of sin washes away from me. "Yeah," indeed the shower has been running colder by the minute. Rotating the handle I watch the stream of water turn to a drizzle and finally it stops completely.
You open the curtain and toss a white fuzzy towel onto my head. Still on my knees I stand and wipe my body dry as prying questions are avoided. I raise my vision as I finish to find you in only a thin button-up shirt which still hangs open around your torso.
I turn away and pull the towel around my waist. "You should get dressed," the cracking sound in my voice echoes loudly in my ears. It's not as though I haven't before seen what's there but… it's you.
A short and gentle laugh comes up from your throat as you continue to look at me. I can feel the heat building in my cheeks and when you offer your hand to help me out of the tub I am shocked enough that I ignore it and walk quickly past you to get away from the situation.
My head is confused, damn it! I turn around and gruffly take your hand which has now fallen by your side. You give me an inquisitive stare and I frown looking away while a furious blush attacks my features. We stand there a moment as I contemplate what to do next. I did not take into consideration my actions after I had your hand in mine. I want something to happen anything to make this silent moment less awkward.
You squeeze my hand and grinning walk past me before yanking my body along with you. I swear sometimes you can read my mind.
I am closer to you now but in some ways that is worse. The odd sensation of slipping fabric reaches my fuzzy brain and I realize all too late that my towel is dropping to the floor. I release your hand and dive for it, unfortunately you don't let go. I feel the rug grind into the soft flesh of my palm and chin. You have fallen as well but being more graceful than I landed securely on your knees. Finally our hands depart and I roll onto my back staring up at you. Moving my now freed appendage I place my right hand over my brow as laughter bubbles from within. I laugh when I'm nervous, it always helps to distract from the true feelings of the moment.
You smile. Something that looks like understanding glows behind your green eyes and I fall slowly silent as I stare through my parted fingers into them. The foggy haze returns once more as you lean down over me and gently move away my hand before brushing sticky strands of red hair from my face. My heart halts within my chest and my mind finds nothing is of use in its analysis of the situation. Seemingly as a last resort my body takes over and pushes up to meet yours.
Our noses bump together and I pause inches from your face as the game of give and take continues. "…please…" The word slips between my parted lips as yours catch it on their short journey to meet mine.
Nothing in this world prepared me for this… I have fallen into you and cannot escape… my truest secret proclaimed in a kiss as my mouth joined the list of betrayers. To soon will follow the rest of me.