Summary: Rebecca Curd, Penelope Trimble, and many others are returning to Hogwarts. But what's this? A new school for witches and wizards has sprung up in Britain? Yes. Boarwilds aims to absorb Hogwarts, and already students are transferring. But proud students like Rebecca and Penelope aren't letting Hogwarts die so easily. With a new headmaster – sorry, headmistress, as well as a batch of new professors that range from awfully strict to seriously deluded, they're ready to do battle. Raging hormones and reawakened prejudices only add to the madness!

I do not own any part of Hogwarts/Harry Potter – that's all thanks to J.K. Rowling, of course. Lucky woman! (And Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging, as well as the rest of the Confessions of Georgia Nicolson series, belongs to Louise Rennison.)

Chapter One

A New Year

Sitting on her trunk, Rebecca Curd let out a groan. The massive stack of books (some for school, most for her own pleasure) simply refused to fit inside with her uniforms, casual clothing, and other necessities. She climbed off of it, and the second her weight left, the lid sprung open, burying her feet in brightly coloured stockings and one lacy pink brassiere.

"Oi, put that away!" someone snapped from behind her. It was her lanky older brother, Roderick, who was presently eyeing the brassiere with horror. "Really, Becky. Seeing a girl's bra is one thing, but seeing your sister's..." He shook his head sadly.

Sticking her tongue out, Becky attempted to shove everything back into the trunk. She succeeded only in knocking a few books onto the floor.

Roderick sighed. "Why don't you just get Mum to shrink 'em down for you?"

As they were both still under seventeen, they couldn't perform spells outside of school. As if on cue, Mrs. Curd sauntered into the room, wand held high. "Yes, yes. I'll do just that. But first, let's make sure you actually need all of this..."

Becky held her breath as her mother dug through the trunk. Roderick snickered as the pink brassiere was once again in sight.

"It seems like you don't have too many useless knickknacks in here, but honestly..." Mrs. Curd held up a series of nine books. "Must you bring Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging with you? This is not only senseless drivel, but Muggle lit!" She proceeded to examine the other books in the series, muttering things like, "What in the world are nunga-nungas?"

Roderick slipped stealthily out of the room, knowing the beginning of Bicker Fest when he saw one.

"Please, Mum!" Becky whined. "I could use the series as an ice breaker! Any girl who likes those books can easily be a friend of mine. I'll just show them to the girls in my dormitory and let them read them and-"

Her mother cut her off. "The second one mentions Sex Gods! Rebecca, if this is some sort of bodice ripper, I-"

"It's not! Honestly, Mum!"

The Bicker Fest continued for a few more minutes. Fortunately for Becky, the entire series was nicely shrunk, along with the other books, and her trunk latched shut.

"Alright, dear..." Her mother paused. "Merlin's beard! We're going to miss the Hogwarts Express if we don't get out of this house right now!" She dashed out onto the landing. "Roderick! If you know what's good for you, you'll be outside with the portkey!"

The sound of the front door opening and slamming was a good enough signal that her brother knew exactly what was good for him. Becky was pleased that her trunk didn't weigh way too much for her to carry, and she rushed after her mother, the shrunken books bumping around noisily.

Mrs. Curd grabbed her children roughly by the shoulders. "Oh, my dears..." she began, her eyes watering. Then, with a loud snorting noise, she fixed a more determined expression on her face. "Make sure to send me a post the very moment you get a chance. Becky, I set a timer on the shrinking charm, so your books will grow to their normal size tonight. Make sure your trunk is open before you go to bed, or it will seriously explode."

"There'll be bras and knickers everywhere," Roderick put in, ignoring Becky's sharp jab to his side.

With another snorting noise, Mrs. Curd broke down and embraced her children tightly, rustling their golden hair. "Good luck, my dears." She stepped back and smiled sadly.

Becky blew her a kiss and quickly strapped her cauldron to the top of her trunk. Roderick followed suit, and together, the Curd siblings grabbed onto the portkey. Today's portkey was an old Muggle magazine, its cover plastered with some bloke named Daniel Radcliffe.

The last thing they saw was their mother's beaming and tearstained face.

*****

"Platform nine-and-three-quarters," Penelope Trimble whispered to herself. Her trolley rattled along the stone floor of the station. "Platform nine-and... and..." Her voice trailed off as soon as she caught sight of the brick wall between nine and ten. Tightening her grip on the trolley handle, she set off toward the wall at a brisk pace -

- And crashed into someone with the same plan. "Ow! Bloody 'ell!" cried out the owner of the second trolley. His cat carrier toppled to the floor, and the animal it contained began screeching a volley of cat curses.

"Oh! Oh! I'm so sorry!" Penny tried to peel herself off the cold floor, but her wavy chocolate locks were caught underneath the wheels of the other trolley. "Um, I..."

The newcomer managed to get to his feet. "I don't believe we've met," he said calmly, peering down at her in her sorry state. The fluorescent light shining from the ceiling blocked his face from her view.

Yes, thank you for helping me up, Penny wanted to snap. Miraculously, she held it in. "Nor do I," she agreed. "Penelope Trimble. Gryffindor. Sixth year." She didn't know what else he needed to know, so she shut herself up.

He brightened. "Same here," he announced. "Well, the sixth year part. I'm really in Slytherin. And my name is Gilbert Malfoy."

Penny frowned. Malfoy, she mused. Where have I heard that name before...?

Gilbert finally pushed his trolley off of her, and then held out his hand. "Here." As soon as Penny was vertical, she could see his face. He was handsome, she supposed, but he had an air of overconfidence. She liked his strawberry blonde hair, though. Cute.

"Well," she said with a sigh. "Perhaps we'd best be getting to the Express. If I miss it..." She grimaced. "... There'll be hell to pay."

"Same here!" Gilbert said again. "Hey, do you want to..." He bit his lip. "Never mind. See you at school." Without further ado, his picked up his cat carrier and hastened through the wall with his trolley.

Confused, Penny gathered her own belongings and followed. But once she'd reached the Hogwarts Express, he had disappeared into the crowd of students.

*****

"Ah, Cassius..." Professor Marcell sighed at his own reflection in the mirror hovering in the air before him. "You are a sexy beast."

He allowed the mirror to float gently down to his desk. With a dramatic swish of his robes, he stood and pranced delightedly to the window. "Cassius! In a few hours, all the students will be arriving! All the pretty little witches in their cute uniforms..." The sky, for once, was free of clouds, and the professor beamed into the sunlight.

His image in the window wasn't enough. "Narcissus," he whispered with a flick of his wand, and the window shuddered and became a temporary mirror. "Honestly, my friend! You really are gorgeous." The professor ran a hand through his chestnut hair.

A cough from behind him interrupted his preening. "Cassius? Are you available?"

Professor Marcell saw the headmistress behind him in the window mirror and whirled around. "I... Yes, yes, Headmistress!" She didn't hear the sexy beast part, did she?

"Good," she replied calmly, gliding gracefully toward him. Her eggplant-hued robes made a soft hiss on the polished wooden floors. "You are to be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. I should think that one of that title should not be partaking in vanity, one of the darkest arts imaginable!" She chuckled quietly and raised an eyebrow, not stressing the age on her face but instead her wit and strictness.

Professor Marcell's face reddened alarmingly. "Forgive me, I didn't know I was being watched. I promise to keep it to myself. I simply can't help it." He grinned warily, hoping he hadn't spoken out of turn.

The wise old lady smirked. "Very well. But I must warn you, I have seen far more handsome wizards than yourself. This could be a wasted hobby."

If the professor's face could have gone any redder, it would have then.

"Ah, I am being a nasty girl, aren't I? You may not be the most handsome, but you've got something going for you, at least." She patted his cheek and, in an act that surprised both of them, stuck out her tongue.

"You are too kind," Professor Marcell mumbled, blanching now, "I haven't known you to be so free with compliments, Headmistress McGonagall."

She laughed. "Too true, Cassius, too true. This is all you'll get from me." She turned away from him swiftly and practically floated to the door. Stopping there, she glanced back and smiled deviously, her eyes twinkling good-naturedly. "'Sexy beast' may be a bit much."

He gasped with horror, she cackled with mirth, and something in a cage squawked with utter delight: "Sexy beast! Sexy beast!"

*****

Three different people. Three seemingly separate lives. But in a few hours' time, these three - and more - will meet. Fates will be inextricably entwined. And madness (both the good and bad kinds) will ensue! As usual.