If You See Her
Chapter One
"Bella…we need to talk."
My heart started beating faster. I knew that Edward was my one and only. The past two years had been nothing but bliss. Away at college, free to spend as much time as possible with each other without having to sneak around the watchful eyes of our parents.
Last week, my best friend and her long-time boyfriend announced their upcoming nuptials. I wasn't ready to entertain the idea of marriage, yet, but I always knew that someday the time would come. After Jasper had proposed to Alice, I had started getting weird vibes from Edward.
A list had almost immediately began formulating in my head, of all the reasons why we should not change anything right now. After all, there wasn't any rush. My upcoming residency years were going to be demanding enough without any added distractions.
I prepared myself for his proposal, praying that he would understand the meaning behind my words. I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
I hear him take a deep breath, and then sigh. The words that come out of his mouth, however are not what I was expecting to hear.
"…I think we should take some time apart for awhile. College is supposed to be where you are free to experience new situations. We've been together since high school, Bella. It would do us both some good to see what else is out there…"
My brain felt like it was suddenly stuck in quicksand. I was dumbfounded. My mouth opened, but no sound came out. I simply didn't know what to say. I realized I was standing there like an idiot, trembling with silent sobs as my heart shattered. I could hear his voice asking me if I was alright. Somehow, I managed to find my voice long enough to answer.
"I just…that's not what…I don't…I have to go."
Edward reached out and grabbed my arm, but I flinched and pulled away. I couldn't let him touch me. I was afraid if I did, I would end up throwing myself into his arms, begging him to change his mind. Before I could make an even bigger fool of myself, I muttered something about needing to study for an upcoming exam. I stumbled out the door, desperate to get away. I was barely holding it together.
I only got a few blocks, when the enormity of what just happened, hit me. My knees buckled and I fell to the ground. My entire body was trembling. I felt as if I was literally coming apart at the seams. I barely managed to crawl behind some bushes before my mind and body began to lose it. The contents of my stomach erupted from my mouth, as agony ripped through my heart. My lungs were burning, trying to fight for the oxygen needed to keep me alive. Black spots began to appear in my field of vision. I welcomed the darkness, praying for any kind of respite from the scorching pain. One tormented cry and a pain-filled gasp was all that passed through my lips before the darkness engulfed me.
Images of Edward filled my thoughts. Memories of our time together, growing up in the small town of Forks, childhood friends and then high school sweethearts, flashed across my mind. I felt a warmth spread throughout my body as I recalled our first kiss. We both had felt the electricity. I thought we would always be together. A wet sensation prickled at the corners of my eyes. My eyes squeezed tighter, as I fought to get back to the pleasant memories.
The day we both received our acceptance letters from Dartmouth entered my thoughts. We must have both arrived home at the same time. After checking the mail, the first thought I had was to rush to Edward with the great news. Apparently, good minds think alike. We passed each other's vehicle on the road mid-way between both of our houses. I'll never forget how both of us slammed on our brakes, jumped from our vehicles and ran to each other's arms. We embraced, right there in the middle of the road. Both us were breathless, trying to share our fantastic news. When we realized we were both shouting the same thing, we just started laughing. We held each other tightly, celebrating our excitement at beginning our adult lives together. Everything was perfect and just how we planned it!
Alice and I were going to be roommates in the college dorms, while Edward was planning to move in with Emmett and Jasper. Ever since Emmett and Rose announced their engagement, Jasper and Edward had been talking about him taking Emmett's room. They would have to share for a short time, but since they were brothers it wouldn't be too awkward. Besides, Emmett was rarely there, spending most of his time with his fiancé. He and Rose were busy making wedding plans, as the big event was scheduled for the following summer.
Our time together was limited, as both of us had demanding schedules. I had decided to go pre-med, wanting to be able to help others the way Edward's father always took care of me. A barely audible laugh trickled past my lips, as I remembered how accident prone I was all throughout my childhood.
Edward was a music major. He spent most of his time composing and refining his craft. Determined to not let our relationship suffer, however, we discovered many ways to be together. Even though we were focusing on separate things, our study time was one of my favorites. I loved listening to him playing in the background. I found his classical music calming, helping my mind to relax and absorb the difficult material in front of me. He would always say how he loved working when I was with him, claiming that I was his muse.
Hours later, I was still lying on my side next to my vomit. Unknowingly, I had aspirated some into my lungs during my episode. My breathing was labored. Fortunately, my body decided to keep fighting even though my mind had basically shut down. It was just enough to keep me alive.
"Bella? On my gosh, Bella. Hang on, sweetie. I'm calling the ambulance."
I recognized the friendly voice. It belonged to Angela. She was in some of my classes. I think she was working on her nursing degree. She sounded so worried. I tried to focus long enough to tell her I was okay, but I couldn't seem to pull myself back together.
It felt like I was floating. I was surrounded by a blanket of white. Chills spread throughout my body, as I felt a cold breeze brush gently across my face. Warm and comforting fingers grazed down my arm. I took a deep breath. It felt like I was trying to fill my lungs for the first time. Sharp pains stabbed at my chest.
"It's okay, Bella. Just take it slow. Try to relax, sweetie. You're going to be okay."
My eyes started to focus. I was staring directly into a kind and gentle face. Something about her smile, encouraged trust.
I glanced around me. Nothing looked familiar.
"Wh…where am I?"
My voice was scratchy at best, and hurt to talk.
"You are in the emergency room. You passed out on the sidewalk. You are lucky I was taking a shortcut through the neighboring yard. I almost fell right on top of you when I stumbled into your still form. When I knelt down next to you and heard the wheezing from your chest, I knew you needed medical help. I hope you aren't upset with me for calling the paramedics."
My eyes closed as I shook my head slightly. I was grateful she saved me. My heart was broken and my life was a total mess right now, but I didn't want to go out with my face buried in vomit.
"Th…thanks for…"
She squeezed my arm. I looked up and saw her smiling back at me. A kinship was instantly formed. She remained by my side while I rested. After a few hours and an entire bag of IV fluids, I was released to go directly home with instructions to rest. Angela arranged for transportation and then accompanied me back to the dorm.
As I exited the vehicle, my breathing hitched. How could I enter one of the places where I had spent so much time with him? How was I going to face his sister? Would she already know?
My steps faltered. Angela put her arm around my waist for support.
"You okay?"
I didn't trust my voice, so I just nodded. That's pretty much how it went back at the hospital, as well. Angela didn't pry and I didn't offer. I think she knew that there was more to my suffering than a simple case of the flu.
With each step closer to the dorm building, my former symptoms began to reappear. By the time we were walking through the doorway, the bile was, once again, in the back of my throat. I barely pushed by Alice's worried stance in time to reach the bathroom. I could hear Alice speaking softly to Angela, trying to get the details of what had happened.
A soft knock at the door, announced the arrival of the moment I was dreading. Alice would want to know all of the details. The problem was, I wasn't sure I understood it myself. One minute I was rehearsing how to tell the love of my life that we should wait awhile to get married, and then I was collapsing on the concrete, my mind reeling from the words he had said.
"Sweetie…I was so worried. Why didn't you tell me you were sick? I can't believe you were in the hospital…wait…where's Edward? Why isn't he with you?"
The mere sound of his name, sent sharp pains directly into my chest. A whimper escaped my lips as I grabbed the sides of the porcelain bowl and heaved again. My body started rocking back and forth on the hard tile floor, as I tried to hold myself together. A glass of cold water was placed into my hands.
"Don't swallow, just rinse."
I followed the instructions. I was grateful to have the bitter taste washed out of my mouth. After completing the task twice, I slumped back against the bathroom wall. I was too weak to even crawl to my bed. I could feel the trembles starting up again. A cold compress was being pressed to the sides of my face and the back of my neck. It helped relieve the nausea.
I vaguely recall Alice pulling me to my feet and guiding me to my bed. I lay there, staring at the wall. The light of day came and went. Alice tried to get me to eat something, but I had no appetite. When she insisted that I get up and shower, I just curled in on myself more. I could hear another voice speaking to me, but I didn't recognize it. Her strong fingers squeezed my shoulder, trying to get me to roll over. I flinched when the contact was made with my skin.
I just wanted to be left alone. I couldn't allow myself to become aware. I was too frightened. I knew that the debilitating pain was just waiting for any sign of life. Then, it would most assuredly attack. I wasn't sure I could make it through another battle just yet.
"What do you mean…you aren't coming over? You heard me say she is very sick, right? She went by ambulance to the hospital…no, she isn't eating yet…I'm afraid she might be on her way back there…better off? What happened between you two?"
I couldn't handle listening to anymore. I could guess who was on the other end of the line. I knew Alice meant well, but she didn't know what I did. He wasn't coming over. Why would he? We weren't together anymore.
I dove beneath the pillows and blankets, praying that the sounds of my agony would become too muffled for Alice to hear. I had to let it out. Keeping it inside was how I wound up in my own pile of vomit.
As the screams vibrated from my throat, I thought about how he was too busy seeing what else was out there to come and check on his childhood friend. Why wasn't I good enough? What was I missing?
Some time in the middle of the night, my mind finally came to terms with what had happened. I had always felt inadequate next to Edward. He was so talented and amazing and beautiful…I shouldn't have been surprised that this happened. I was just in blissful denial.
The next morning I forced myself to get out of bed and back to school. I hoped that the regular routine would distract me enough to keep the horrific emptiness at bay. I still couldn't speak to Alice, knowing that once the floodgates were allowed to open again, they would never close.
Her pitiful stares and sighs, soon became too much to bear. I spent less and less time in our dorm room. I tried to make sure that I ate at least once a day, but it was easy to lose track of things like that. I didn't realize how much weight I had actually lost, until my jeans began to slide right off my hips.
I tried to find ways to distract myself, in hopes of getting a break from the suffocating pain. It didn't take long, however, for me to realize that everything I used to do somehow included him. I couldn't go hiking like we used to. Classical music was no longer a soothing experience, but instead, was accompanied by a searing pain in my chest. Every night was filled with images of Edward being ripped away from me. Every morning I would wake up with tear stained cheeks and him on my mind. My thoughts were constantly haunted, knowing that he was close by. I was afraid if he saw me now, he would see how pitiful I had become. What did I do? How did I make it so easy for him to walk out of my life?
"Isabella…Isabella…I'd like to speak to you after class."
Someone next to me shoved an elbow into my side. I realized that the professor was speaking directly to me. Was I lost in my own thoughts again? It had been happening a lot lately. Ever since…
"Um…you asked to see me?"
His strong, fatherly hand came to rest on my shoulder. I tried not to flinch, but he saw it. A deep sigh vibrated from his throat and he shook his head minutely.
"I do not presume to understand what you are going through, Isabella. But, I am concerned. You were one of my top students. Now, you will be lucky to pass my class. Is there something I can do?"
What could I say? I'm so tired. I wish I could just get away. Being here…with him still on campus…living with his sister...he was my whole life…his presence surrounds me, torments me…it won't leave me alone. I realized then, that if he needed to spread his wings, so did I. My broken voice uttered the thoughts from my head.
"I need to leave…I can't stay here."
My professor misunderstood. He thought there must be a family emergency, and that I meant I had to return home. He began to speak of alternatives.
"I would hate for you to drop out of the program, Isabella. You have a rare talent in the way you observe and process. I know you will make a great diagnostician. Have you thought about what area you would like to specialize in?"
I was just beginning to research the various disciplines, when Ed…suddenly it felt as if a dagger was plunged into my chest. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to hold back the tears. I desperately tried to fill my lungs with the air necessary to survive, knowing that it would soon be cut off. I had felt the attack of sorrow many times over the past few weeks. I tried to talk myself down from the pain.
"Breathe…"
His kind eyes softened, recognizing my difficulty in speaking. He motioned for me to take a seat in the nearby chair. I sat down, trying to focus on gaining control of my body's functions. I watched as he typed on the keyboard of his laptop. After a few minutes, he printed a few sheets and brought them over to me.
"There is a great respiratory program at the University of Washington. That is close to your hometown. I went to school with the director. I am sure that with a glowing recommendation from one of your professors, you would have no problem transferring."
I looked up, and saw the surety in his eyes. The tears began to flow freely down my cheeks. He was offering me a way out of this pit of sorrow. I stood and embraced him softly.
"Thank you."
A/N: Let me know what you think…