Warning: Spoilers, crack, OOC, Yuki/Zero pairing.

"Muahahahahaha!" Kaname threw his hands into the air triumphantly, cackling like a mad person. "It was all part of my plan!"

Zero cocked the gun and aimed it at Kaname's head. "Ha. You didn't really think that you would get off so easily?" Kaname spazzed and threw himself on the ground, frothing at the mouth.

"Why yes, I did, actually," he spat. "But you'll never be able to pull that trigger; It would break Yuki's hea - !"

"STFUYFF."

Kaname turned to face Zero abruptly, still lying on the ground.

"What the fuck does that mean?" he frowned.

"Shut the fuck up, you fucking fucker." Zero pulled the trigger, and a power-loaded bullet planted itself in Kaname's cranium.

"Aaaaaargh!" Kaname screamed like a little girl, writhing.

"Hahahahahaha! You thought I'd never kill you because I'd never betray Yuki! But you were wrong!" Zero grinned widely, a maniacal glint in his eye. "Me an' that bitch – we just go back and forth with all kinds of crazy shit. One day, I'm tellin' her to kill me off, the next day I get high off her blood, today I'm shooting her boyfriend and savin' her from some bloodsucker creep on steroids. Tomorrow, she'll probably come find me and try to fuck me…"

"What does that have to do with – ?"

"Point is, you don' know how we operate, bitch. Now fuck off. Hurry up an' die."

"Noooooooooo!" Kaname clawed at his face, writhing on the ground some more for good measure, as his body turned to pixie dust and crystals – as all gay vampires do, – and fluttered away in the wind.

Yuki came running up and appeared from out of the trees somewhere.

"Kaname!" she screamed.

"Yuki!"

"Kaname!"

"Yuki!"

"Kaname!"

"Yuki!"

"Bye." She said, finally coming to a halt.

"Is that all you can say?" He exclaimed, eyes wild. "You've loved me for, like, ever, and I'm fucking dying, and all you tell me is bye?"

"Well what am I supposed to do?"

"You're supposed to run around screaming and crying, tearing your hair out, shouting my name to the heavens, goin' 'Baby! Baby please! PLEASE don't go!'"

"Bitch, I don't love you. I just kept saying that cause you were a fucking creeper and I was afraid you were gonna eat me – or worse!"

"Nooooooooo!"

"Now, let me drink your blood before you die."

"What?"

"Let me drink your blood."

"Why?"

"'Cause that's what we do! We're vampires – we can't kiss or fuck each other or nothing like normal people, so I have to do something dramatic to end the story."

"Hey, let me get in on the action, too," Zero interjected, "I can't kill anybody without sucking their blood right before they die." Kaname and Yuki stared at him. "What? Ichiru was asking for it, that bastard."

"Let's get to it, then," Yuki said, changing the subject. She and Zero looked at Kaname and grinned, stalking toward him.

"Noooooooooooooo!"

Hanabusa Aido smelled blood. And it wasn't just anyone's blood. No, it can't be! He ran toward the source of the stench, and ended up in a small clearing in the middle of the woods, not far from the school. He cried openly upon seeing the love of his life sprawled out on the ground, cold and unmoving.

"Kaname!" He kneeled by the fading body and clutched at its clothes desperately. "I never got…" he sniffed, "to tell you how much I love you!" He laid down on top of the body. "That's right; I'm gay for you! I always have been! All of us are – the night class, I mean – even Ruka, who's secretly a man. But I loved you the most, from the very beginning! Ever since I first laid eyes on you! Look," he took out a small, spherical object and waved it in front of Kaname's sightless eyes. "I even kept this little ball thingy you picked up for me when we were kids! I've always imagined using it to - !" Kaname sat up abruptly.

"Now that's just fucking creepy."

"We'll meet again in the future, Yuki, and when we do…" Yuki turned away, presumably to hide her face. Zero fingered his gun, "I'll kill you."

The brunette vampire spun quickly around to face Zero.

"That's a lie." Zero did a double take.

"What you say?"

"That's a lie, heffa'." Zero could only stare at the girl, mouth agape, utterly taken aback. "You're always comin' up with crazy shit like this."

"B-but…" he stammered.

"Didn't you say I could do whatever I wanted with your life a couple days ago?" She snapped.

"Yeah, but," Zero struggled to regain his composure, "that was before you turned into a vampire!" Yuki held up her hand.

"Don't even start with some shit like that mother fucker."

"But I can't help it!" he whined. "You're the one who goes back and forth between me and that other bastard – I thought you were gonna go with him… you know, before I killed him."

"As if I would ever follow around that incestual little dickmunch," Yuki scoffed.

"But we can't be together!"

"Why the hell not?"

"Because… because…" he struggled for words. "I'm a vampire!" he blurted.

"Bite me."

"Whaaa?"

"Stop being such a jackass! Hurry up and bite me so we can ride off into the sunset."

"You - ?" Yuki tackled him, cutting him off. What the fuck?

"Mmmm." Yuki hummed contentedly as Zero's vampire instincts took over. "Now that's what I'm talkin' about!"

A/N: I finished the VK anime and was like WTF, Kaname needs to die! Freakin' incestual creeper! So I just had to write this.

Yuki+Zero FTW!