Jesus Chronicles or Something to That Affect
By SmellsLikeCarcass
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the mentioned personalities, celebrities, or prominent figures. Everything you will read is entirely fictional. Any similarities to any living person is completely coincidental.
Chapter One
Jesus dated Santa for 10 years before Jesus decided that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship. Jesus shortly afterward met his current boyfriend Jerry Springer through mutual friend Joan Rivers. Jesus and Jerry have been dating for the past 8 years. Jesus has also recently started having an affair with Aaron Carter, who is currently dating Jesse McCartney. Aaron and Jesus met at a party where Aaron was promoting his album. Jesus was really drunk that night so naturally the two hit it off.
Jesus fears that Jerry Springer is cheating on him. Jesus is indeed correct. Jerry Springer is having an affair of his own with Bob Saget. Jesus has enlisted the help of the show Cheaters to catch Jerry in the act.
Meanwhile…
Santa is doing everything in his power to win Jesus back. Santa has missed Jesus ever since Mrs. Claus left him for Jack Frost. Santa has begged Jesus to go on the Maury Show so that they can work out their feelings but Jesus has loyalty to the Jerry Springer Show so he refuses.
Jesus has been asked to appear on an upcoming episode of Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen. Santa has bought a ticket to be in the audience so he is waiting to make his move until then.
During his appearance on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen Jesus announces that he is pregnant with Jerry Springer's baby. Jesus in fact has no idea if the baby is Jerry's or Aaron Carter's.
Santa upon hearing this news screams "You Bitch!" and flees the set in tears. Everyone at home takes a sip of their alcohol because the secret word was bitch.
Jerry Springer meanwhile is watching the show from Bob Saget's bedroom. Jerry Springer and Bob Saget exchange a look, and Bob Saget places a hand on his protruding stomach. Bob Saget is pregnant with Jerry Springer's baby.
Jesus comes home later that night to an empty home and a box of chocolates from Aaron Carter sitting on his kitchen table. There's a card attached.
Dear Jesus,
If the baby is mine, I'm here for you.
Love,
Aaron Carter
After reading the note Jesus bursts into tears.