I know if ill be good or not when I wake up. As soon as I wake up I know. I know by my tounge. Most days my tounge feels heavy and I feel like theres a cloud in me. Behind where my eyes are. Some days though Im ok and I can talk better. Not as good as other ponies but better than how I do all the other days. Those are good days but they dont happen a lot. On good days I can do almost all the letters and sir is very happy. Once I did all the letters and I had never done that before and sir said I didnt have to work the day after I had done so good. I havent done all the letters after that but I keep trying. Its hard on the bad days though because the cloud makes it hard to remember where to put the letters. Some times I even forget to bring the bag with me and have to go and find it again. Sir is not happy when I do that but he says its ok because he knows I dont mean it. I like sir. When I do good sometimes when he gives me my coins he gives me an apple as well. I use the coins he gives me to get food. I buy lots of apples and if I have money after I buy them I get a cake from mr and mrs cake. Once I went and asked for a cake and after they had given me it I realised I didnt have enough money but they let me have it anyway.
After I get my food I always go to raritys house because it is very important. She says that she depends on me a lot. She gives me lots of coins and I have to get lots of food for her. She cant do it because she cant see. I wouldnt like that to happen to me and I feel sad when I think about rarity. She looks tired every time I see her even when shes just stopped sleeping. One day when I was getting her food for the first time she tried to give me coins after I gave her her food. That was a good day so I said no because you should always help ponies who need it and not want to get things out of it. If it was a bad day I would have taken the coins. I do a lot of things I shouldnt do on the bad days. One bad day a very long time ago I went right into somepony as I was doing the letters. She was very angry and I got scared and ran away and left the bag behind. Sir got angry at me and I got scared again so I went home and didnt go to work for a few days after that because I was scared. I didnt have enough coins so I didnt eat anything. After a few days sir sent a letter saying I should come back to work because he was worried about me and it was alright because the pony had given the bag to sir after I had ran away.
Im glad this is a good day because if it was a bad day I wouldnt be able to write this good. The doctor said I should write a lot and it might make the good days come more. I dont listen to a lot of what the doctor says because I dont understand it but he looked very sad this time so Ill do what he says. Once I asked the doctor why I have the bad days and he said something wasnt good with me. I couldnt remember what he said but I asked him to write down so I could put it in here. He said I have a severe degenerative cerebral trauma leading to an impairment in reason and communication which may lead to complete loss of mental faculties. I dont know what most of the words mean but I feel ok most days so it cant be bad. When I go to the doctor he looks at my eyes a lot and shines a light in them which makes me cry. Except its not crying he said because I dont feel sad. After I cry he gives me a sugar lump most times. One time he gave me a whole cupcake because he said I was very brave on that day. On that day a pony with a horn was in the doctors room and I didnt know who she was. She was all purple and pretty. I got scared but the doctor got me to calm down. He asked me to lay down and make my head very still. I couldnt do it though because I move a lot so the doctor got out a metal thing and put my head in it and then I couldnt move my head at all and I got scared again. He calmed me down and said they were going to do a test. I said will it be a hard one. He said no. I said I cant do the numbers one Im sorry I cant. He said its not that kind of test you dont have to do anything. I said ok.
The pony with a horn didnt say anything just looked at the doctor and he nodded. Then she got down until her head was in front of my head. Then she put her horn in the middle of my head right in the middle. It hurt and I tried to get away but I couldnt because of the metal thing. The doctor told me to stay calm because this was very important. He said he could give me some sugar that would make me go asleep if I didnt want to feel anything. I said no because that was a good day and if I went to sleep I didnt know if it would be a good day or a bad day when I woke up. Then the pony with a horn put her horn back on my head. Her horns started to go blue and make a sound. I got scared but didnt move because the doctor said not to. Then her horn made a big noise and the cloud wasnt behind my eyes anymore it was in front of me and it was everywhere and I was floating in it. I couldnt feel anything and I couldnt think at all. After a while the cloud started to get noisy and bright and it hurt my eyes and then I got more scared than I ever been before because I didnt know what to do and then it went all black.
I was dreaming but not like I dream all the other times. I cant remember what I dream when I wake up but I did this time. I dreamt a lot of things. First I dreamt of when I was young and I was home before the bad days started. Where I lived when I was young had a lot of trees and not many ponies. We lived a long way away from any shops so we grew a lot of our food in our garden. I like where I lived when I was young because it was nice. In my dream I was trying to fly because I was very young. It was night because I had been trying to fly all day and my parents had gone inside the house. In my dream I started to fly but couldnt control it and I went very fast forwards when I wanted to go up. There were a lot of trees where I lived when I was young and I flyed into one and it hurt a lot. I was on the ground crying for a long time before my parents came and saw me because they hadnt heard me hit the tree because they were inside. When they saw me it took even longer to go to the town and find the doctor I had when I was young. They say thats why I have bad days more than I have good days because it took so long to go to the doctor. My parents were very sad about and said they were sorry to me a lot but I wasnt sad because it wasnt their fault we lived a long way away from the doctor.
After I dreamt that I dream I was in a bed with my mother. This was in a different house because we had moved because we had to be closer to a doctor. I slept with my mother because she didnt want to leave me alone at night. And it was ok because there was enough space in the bed because my father had gone by then. In my dream I woke up when it was dark and I shouldntve woken up. My mother was still asleep and I got out of the bed and went downstairs. I dont know why I did that. Then I went out of the house and it was very cold. I walked around for a long time not knowing where I was going. After a while I wanted to go back to the bed with my mother but I didnt know where my house was then. I shouldve had a piece of paper with my mothers name and where the house was on it so if this happened I could ask somepony for help and I could get home but I didnt have the paper with me because it was night. I walked for a long time and started to cry because I was scared that I wouldnt see my mother again. Then I heard sounds and ponies talking very loud nearby. I went to the sound because I thought one of the ponies could help me. I shouldntve though because the music was from one of the places where ponies drink bad stuff and I am not supposed to go to. There was a pony outside the place and I asked him for help. He told me to go away so I did because I was too scared to ask anypony else. Then I got very tired and went asleep on the ground and it was very cold. I thought that if I got cold enough I would turn into ice and wouldnt have bad days any more so I was ok with it being cold. In the morning after that it was a good day so I could get home before my mother woke up and it was all ok. After that I always lock the door to the house and put the key somewhere hard to find so I cant get out as easy.
I only dreamt one more thing after that but it was the worst dream of all of the dreams. This wasnt like the other dreams because it hadnt happened to me. In my dream I was in a strange city like Manehatten but a lot bigger. I saw a photo of Manehatten once and it was very big but the city in my dream was much bigger and it was black also. All the buildings were black and looked bad. The sky looked like grass but grass thats dead. I was all alone in the city and I couldnt find a way to get out of it. I walked around for a time being scared because I wanted to wake up but couldnt. It felt like I had gone so cold I had turned into ice like I wanted but I still was scared and the ice just made it hard to move. It made it so hard I couldnt move at all and I was stuck in one spot forever. Then all the buildings fell into themselves and some of them fell on me but I didnt get hurt and when they had done there was nothing left but me and the ground and the sky.
Then I woke up and my tounge wasnt heavy. I was on the floor of the doctors house and the doctor and the pony with a horn were looking at me very serious. Thank celestia for that shes awake the doctor said. He asked if I was ok and I said yes. Then he made me go out of the room and he talked with the pony with a horn. I was just next to the door so I could hear what they said but I didnt understand it. Then the doctor let me go into the room and the pony with a horn talked to me. She said she was a princess and that she was very sad about my bad days and good days. She asked if I would like to come to her house far away where we can talk about them. I said is it nice there and she said yes. I said ok and she said somepony would come to my house and take me to her house.
I asked if I could go home because I was very tired which was funny because I had been asleep and they both said yes.
When I got home I started writing this and it has taken a long time. It is hard to think of the good words to say but this is ok I think. I hope the pony with a horns house is nice. The pony wholl take me there will be here soon. Im excited. I felt like the pony with a horn knew what it was like having a cloud behind your eyes. I think Ive write enough for the doctor so I will stop now. Ill write what the pony with a horns house was like when I come back. Bye for now.