I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that I will fight
Until we're the special two once again.
Sirius turned over in his sleep, letting out a small moan as the rocks shifted under him. It had been years since he had had a decent nights sleep, and now, even when he was free, the sleep he felt he deserved was constantly troubled by dreams. Memories.
"Are you coming back?"
Sirius smiled, his hand on Remus' shoulder.
"I'll always come back."
There were only three things that Sirius thought of now. Harry, Peter and Remus. He tried not to let himself think of James and Lily. That was too painful. And nothing else mattered. Of course, sometimes he slipped. He was only human, after all.
"He's just a baby, Padfoot," James said, laughing as he held Harry out to his friend, who was grinning sheepishly. Sirius took the boy in his arms and stared down at him, sleeping peacefully in his blanket.
"Hey Harry," Sirius whispered, trailing his finger softly over Harry's cheek.
"I'm your godfather, Sirius. I'm going to be here in case anything happens to your parents. We've gotta be careful with those two. They're such bloody fools, mate. We'll watch them together, hey? Don't worry, mate. I'll always be here."
"And so will I, you stupid nutter," cried James, grinning at Sirius, "So will I."
It had been difficult, staying sane in Azkaban. People would say that it was because he was able to turn into his animagus form, and, of course, that was part of it. But the real reason he kept going on was for those four people whose lives he had both ruined and ended. Lily, James, Harry, Remus. And because of that person who had said he was their friend and had betrayed them all so badly. Peter. Their little Peter.
The four boys lay back on the grass, staring up at the stars. Remus slid his hand into Sirius's, making him smile luminously in the dark.
"I'm glad you're still all so nice to me," Peter said sleepily, and the other three laughed good-naturedly.
"You silly little sot," Sirius said, laughing as he ruffled Peter's hair, "that's what friends do. And you're our friend. You'll always be our friend. No matter what."
No matter what. That's a big thing to promise. Maybe somewhere deep inside, he would always be their friend. The friend who betrayed them, but still, their friend. Even now, Sirius could hardly believe that Peter was the one who handed them over. But he had thirteen years of prison under his belt to tell him that he was. So, whenever he thought of Peter, he couldn't help but be sad. And angry. He had trusted him with their lives. And he – they – had been betrayed. Of course he was angry.
"Pete! I've got to talk to you! Can you come over here?"
The sandy haired man turned to Sirius, smiling.
"What is it?" he asked, and Sirius grabbed him by the arm, pulling him into the empty hallway.
"Peter, I have to ask you something. You know that I would trust you with my life-"
"Yeah? Of course." Peter said, looking confused. Sirius stared into his eyes, trying to see anything that would tell him that this was a bad idea. Peter's blue eyes met his, clear and innocent. Sirius took a deep breath.
"Well, I don't know if Lily and James are safe with me as…as their secret keeper."
"You're the secret keeper?" Peter said softly, looking surprised. Sirius glanced at him, trying to see what was wrong. Something nagged at him. He brushed it off.
"Yeah. But, Peter, I dunno…I think they'd be safer with you as their secret keeper. What do you say?"
Something flashed in Peter's eyes, and Sirius looked intently at him, feeling the doubt rise up in himself again. Then Peter smiled and hugged Sirius, pushing away all of his hesitations. This was his Pete. His sweet, innocent little Peter, who would be safer for Lily, James and Harry than he could ever be.
"Sirius, don't worry about it. We'll go and talk to James and Lily about it tomorrow. You know that I'll be the best person for this job. I'm extremely trustworthy."
And then he smiled that little smile which would haunt Sirius for the rest of his life, and walked back into the living room.
And then of course, there was Remus. His beautiful Moony, who he had betrayed and he might never be able to apologise to. But he would. He would.
"I love you, you know?" Remus said, and he kissed Sirius slowly. The dark haired boy smiled at him and leaned up to kiss the crease of his eyelid.
"I love you too, you gorgeous boy." Sirius whispered, making Remus smile and hold him close.
"You'll never lie to me, will you Sirius?" he asked, and he looked at Sirius apprehensively.
"I'll never lie to you, Moony." Sirius agreed, grinning as he kissed the worried look off of Remus' face.
"I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you when you have a milk moustache – actually, I won't tell you, I'll just lick it off – and I'll tell you when you look illegally sexy and I think it is a good time to shag inappropriately in a closet…I'll tell you when the mashed potato on your plate-"
"Don't tell me," Remus said, grinning. "When the mashed potato on my plate would be having a better time being licked off of my body by a certain Sirius Black?"
Sirius feigned shock. "Why, you naughty, naughty boy! I was merely going to say that the mashed potato on your plate should be in smaller portions because you had a bit of a tummy! But your idea was much better."
He grinned mischievously and kissed Remus, whispering "Don't worry your pretty little head about it, Moony me lad. Your body will be perfect for me no matter what it looks like. But I tell you one thing, gorgeous; you've got the Michelangelo's David look down to a fine art at the moment."
Remus smiled, pulling Sirius into his arms again.
"That's good to know, Sirius. It really is. All of those body image issues I have had in the past are completely over now that I'm with you. Anyway, I promise that I'll never lie to you either."
Sirius nestled into Remus' arms, sighing happily.
"And I promise I'll never lie to you. I promise that I will tell you everything. And to prove that, I'm going to tell you right now that you are the most lovely person I have ever met – boy, girl, werewolf – and I want to be with you for ever."
Remus smiled. "And I want to be with you for ever, Sirius. Just never lie to me."
"I won't. I promise I won't. Not about anything."
And then, of course, he had. And he hadn't seen Remus since. But he would get Remus back, because they belonged together. And no-one could deny that.
And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.
He had had a long time to think about what he had done to all of them. Even now, Sirius still felt a tearing in his chest when he thought 'what if?' Of course, he couldn't completely blame himself, although he tried. Why was it, anyway, that Dumbledore never said anything to anyone? He knew that Sirius had swapped with Peter. So why had Sirius stayed in Azkaban all that time for a crime he didn't commit, but sometimes wished he had? The insanity of the situation was quite clear in Sirius' mind, and it hurt him. All the time, he was hurting. And bleeding, burning, crying for Remus, his Remus, his Moony, his love. They had promised each other that they would never love another – they would never need to. They were Romeo and Juliet, Captain Smith and Pocahontas, Dumbledore and Grindelwald, Liz and Richard. They were special. Nothing could come between them. That's what they told themselves. That's what Sirius believed.
"Here, Moony. Just reach up and we can get it together."
Remus smiled as he put his arm around Sirius' shoulder, reaching up into the velvety night sky for the tiny diamond stars that were scattered across the darkness.
"No, no – not the stars, I can buy you one of those. Let's reach for the moon."
Sirius leant his dark head against Remus' and kissed him swiftly on the cheek.
He put his hand into Remus' and they reached up together, their fingers seeming to catch at the disc above them. Sirius pulled their hands back down and presented a little orb of light to Remus.
"What's that?" Remus asked, holding it carefully as he looked at Sirius.
Sirius smiled and pulled Remus down onto the grass beside him.
"It's the moon, Moony. And it's my heart when I see you."
Remus smiled and kissed him.
"Fantastic, Sirius. Present me with my greatest fear as your heart."
Sirius twined his fingers into Moony's.
"No, see, it's to tell you that I'll help you fight your fears, and we can hold it together. We'll only need each other, Moony. We can bleed together. You're my moon, you're my stars, and you're my sky. You're my everything, and we'll have each other for ever. Nothing can come between us. We're the special two. We don't need anybody else to tell us that. I love you."
Remus laid his head in the little hollow in Sirius' neck.
"And you know that I feel exactly the same. I love you utterly, completely, particularly. Now, please, kiss me."
And they had believed each other. They did. And that was why it hurt so much.
I remember someone old once said to me,
That lies will lock you up with truth the only key.
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.
Those thirteen bodies. And two more. His best friend. His wife. James. Lily. God, what had he done?
"You think you're so damn good, don't you, Sirius?"
Regulus, sitting in their living room. So angry.
"I tell you what, Regulus, that's pretty damn rich coming from you!"
Sirius, standing over him. Even angrier.
"You don't get it, do you Sirius? This isn't school, this is a war. And we're in it, whether we like it or not."
"Whether we like it or not? Regulus, do you hear yourself? Do you hear how stupid that sounds?"
His younger brother stared back at him, cold.
"If you don't join, you're not a Black."
"Oh, really? Well that's a coincidence. I've already decided I don't want to be. I decided that years ago. Let's move on to the next topic of conversation. Why are you doing it, really? Is it because of mother?"
Regulus glared at him, hateful.
"Of course it isn't to do with mother. We have to join. It's our duty as one of the finest pureblood families! You cannot deny your heritage, Sirius."
"Really? I rather thought I already had."
"You're being ridiculous. This isn't about your silly little Gryffindor loyalties any more. This is about family, honour. This is about war and freedom."
Sirius snorted, kicking the chair on which Regulus sat, composed and cool.
"This isn't about any of that. It's about a madman who has decided that he would like to take over the world, and people are actually helping him. It's madness, Regulus, that's all it is. It's about him promising you things, things he will never be able to give you. Freedom! Ha! This has nothing to do with freedom, nor honour. It's about purebloods thinking they're better than everybody else!"
"We are better than everybody else."
Sirius grinned humourlessly, baring his teeth. Regulus shrunk back into his seat.
"Oh yes. Look at yourself, Regulus. What are we ruling? Dirt. That's all. The empire of dirt."
Regulus drew a hand over his eyes tiredly.
"I can't be bothered fighting with you about this, Sirius. You'll join, I'll join, and we will win. You can't say anything to that."
"I know that they promise you a lot." Sirius said abruptly, turning away from his brother.
"They promise us everything." Regulus murmured, staring at the floor.
"They will promise you Heaven, Regulus. But what they give you…Merlin, you'll be lucky if what you get is a one way ticket into Hell."
"And you will be lucky if, when you don't join, you end up lifeless in your bed."
Sirius laughed jadedly.
"That would happen either way, Regulus. I'm going to tell you one last time, and you had better listen to me. Nothing good can come of your joining. If you come with me, we can fight for the right side in all of this. I'll keep you safe, like I always promised. I'm begging you. Don't join him."
"I have to, Sirius, I don't have a choice."
"There is always a choice!"
"Not for me. Not any more. Sirius, join us. I don't want to have to kill you."
Sirius turned away, opening the door.
"Too late, little brother. You already have."
And what had he achieved by doing that? Absolutely nothing. Just the same as every time.
"Fuck, Sirius! What did you think you were doing?"
James paced the floor madly, pushing his hair out of his face every few seconds.
Sirius watched him from his chair, wishing he could just curl up into a ball and cry.
"I wasn't thinking, James. It was an accident."
"You're damn right you weren't thinking! How could you do that to Remus? You love him for god's sake!"
"I know." said Sirius miserably. "I never meant to hurt him. I wasn't thinking."
What a weak thing to say. No excuses for what he had done.
"If Moony had hurt Snape, what do you think would have happened? He would have been taken away! It was so damn lucky that he didn't! I can't…Jesus, Sirius. I just can't believe you would do this."
He stared out of the window unseeingly, his hands curled into tight fists.
"This isn't a bloody prank, Sirius. You have got to grow up."
Sirius stared at his knees, wondering if James would get even angrier if he cried.
"I just…I don't know what to say to you. This is a total betrayal of Remus' trust. Of our trust. I don't think you understand how serious this is."
Sirius put his hands out pleadingly.
"I do understand, James! I do! It was awful, awful, I don't know what I was thinking – I wasn't thinking – I'm so ashamed of myself, there's nothing…"
"Merlin, Sirius." muttered James, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
"I just…what are you doing? I don't know if…can I…I don't know who you are, any more. What happened to you?"
Sirius looked at his hands, feeling despair well up inside of him.
What was he now? The cruelty of his actions…everything he had ever done…the cruel streak which ran through everything he did, said…the Black streak. He was a Black. He was a monster – and, worse than any of the other monsters in his family, he had gotten people to trust in him. And that was why the betrayal hurt so much more. Because that was what it was. Betrayal by monster. Sirius Black; fully equipped to hurt everybody that he loved.
Everything was ruined forever. He didn't deserve their trust – not any of them. So why did they all forgive him? Well, he had topped that one now, it seemed. There was no way they could absolve him now. But if, by chance, Remus ever did forgive him for what he had done, he would make sure never to let him down again. Not again. He couldn't stand to do that.
And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...
'cause we're the special two.
And now there were only dreams and memories.
They breathed in time as the night closed around them, and they held each other close, knowing that the morning, and thus, waking, was far away.
Remus murmured in his sleep and Sirius drew his arms around him, whispering into his Moony's hair.
"I don't want this moment to ever end, when everything is nothing without you."
And Remus turned in his arms, his eyes still closed, and sighed "In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life. You are nothing short of my everything."
And that was true, and that was it. Sirius leant his head on his arm and closed his eyes again, welcoming the memories in. The sting in his heart was nothing to the aching joy he felt when he saw his Remus' face. Even if it was only a memory face.
I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
For something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...
What can you say, when you look over yourself and even you can't stand what you see? Surely there is nothing that can be done for you then.
Maybe, Sirius thought, there is a reason I have done all that I have done.
He looked to his right, staring unseeingly at the bodies on the sidewalk.
Those lifeless packets of flesh, bleeding all over the concrete – that was his doing. His fault. There wasn't a way to cure your hurt if you bought it on yourself. Not just bought upon yourself, welcomed. That was his little monster, sitting on the edge of his shoe, laughing at the destruction he had caused. Ah, yes. Once a Black, always a Black. Toujours Pur. Little monster. Cruel streak. Black streak. His fault. What can you say to yourself when you know that it's your entire fault? And Remus. He would never forgive him. Never. Sirius didn't even want his forgiveness. That was the worst part.
When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
'Cause we're the special two.
Sirius turned over in his sleep, letting out a small moan as the rocks shifted under him.
It had been years since he had had a decent nights sleep. Maybe he didn't deserve it, anyway. Someone was punishing him for everything, and Sirius thought that maybe, just maybe, he deserved all that he got.
Remus slipped his hand into the other boy's, twining his fingers in. They gazed out at the lake, their shoulders close against each other.
"They'll come back, soon." Remus said softly, and Sirius smiled, still looking straight ahead as he squeezed Remus' hand.
"I know. And we can tell them."
Remus leant his head against Sirius' shoulder, his gaze on the sun as it slipped over the horizon.
"What do you think they'll say?" Remus asked, a little anxiously. Sirius squeezed Remus' hand again.
"Probably 'yeah, we've kind of known since we caught you snogging in the bathroom'."
Remus stifled a chuckle. "I thought you said they only heard something, and you were able to explain it away?"
Sirius smiled. "I'm not entirely sure if they bought my 'well, Moony was choking on his tonsils, so I had to fetch them out with my tongue' line. And they may have seen a tiny bit more than I let on. I'm pretty sure that James' phobia of bathrooms has a little less to do with tiles than he lets on, anyway."
Remus ran his hand through Sirius' dark hair, smiling as he did so.
"Well, whatever happens, I'm sure they'll be understanding. If you were all ok with my being a werewolf, I'm sure they'll be ok with us liking each other."
Sirius feigned hurt. "Liking? Remus, you said you loved me!"
Remus grinned. "I don't think it would be a good idea to tell them that just yet. They'll be weirded out enough by the fact that we like to share spit, I'd wager, without us telling them that we're also in the raging throes of passionate love."
Sirius grinned back, throwing Remus to the ground and pinning him between his legs.
"I reckon we should tell them from this position, don't you?"
He leant down to kiss Remus, and they both became distracted by the activity. So much so that they didn't notice it when two pairs of feet came clomping up the hill and then promptly stood stock still, watching their two best friends. The voice of one James Potter, however, did give them a hint as to there now being company.
"Er, care to tell us what's going on, Padfoot? Moony? Have you choked on your tonsils again?"
Sirius and Remus looked up sheepishly, rolling off of each other and dusting themselves down as they stood up.
"Er, hello James, Peter. We, uh, wanted to tell you something."
James raised an eyebrow at Remus as he spluttered ineffectually.
Sirius took over energetically, putting an arm around Remus.
"Yes! We're in the raging throes of passionate love!"
James rolled his eyes as Peter looked between them in astonishment.
"Yeah, I've kinda known since I caught you snogging in the bathroom." James said, sitting down.
Sirius pointed at Remus, exclaiming excitedly "Aha, aha, aha! I told you he'd say that!"
Remus sat down next to James, shaking his head as he grinned at Sirius, who was dancing around Peter and singing "I'm oh so happy, I'm oh so fine! I'm oh so glad that you're all so nice!"
James turned to Remus, smiling as he put an arm around his shoulder.
"I'm happy to see that you have finally admitted it to yourself. It was kind of embarrassing seeing you mooning over him for months and not doing anything about it."
"Oh, I was doing stuff about it. You just didn't see."
Sirius pulled Peter down next to him.
"Yes, you told me about that. You found a picture of me-"
Remus slapped a hand over the other boy's mouth, laughing.
"No need to scar our good friends, Sirius."
Sirius pouted, shaking Remus' hand off.
"Well, where's the fun in that?"
James and Peter looked at each other, and then away again, grinning.
"Once a Black, always a Black, eh Padfoot? You've just gotta scar us all, eh?"
Sirius poked his tongue out at James, then let himself fall back in Remus' arms.
"Too true, too true. It's my little monster."
-
AN: PLEASE review! What do you think? Shit? Great? I don't know unless you tell me! So tell me!