One year.
One year since she said "not now", since she saw his face fell and put the ring back on his pocket with no words, since he didn't get up from his knee for about ten minutes and she ran her fingers through his hair, since he pushed her away and left her alone in their swing set.
One year since the last time they've spoken.
One year since the last time he met her.
All he knew from Esposito and Ryan was, she went to DC. That if he asked her to not go that day, she wouldn't. If he stopped being a coward that day and give her another chance, she wouldn't go. If he stayed, she wouldn't go. They also told him that she was waiting for him at the airport to stop her from going, but nothing came up, so that was it – she left.
She called him. 30 times a day at the first three months, 10 times at the seventh month, yesterday he received only 5. There were voicemails he never had the gut to hear. His mother would hear them, and at one point after listening to it she slapped him.
She said that he was being a jackass. That a Rodger wouldn't does something like this to woman. That it was their Katherine they were talking about.
His daughter still contacted his almost fiancée. He knew it, but he just didn't care anymore. Kate was great on Alexis, and she deserved the way her daughter loved her. It was the same way for his mother.
But, no. Not his love. Not anymore.
He was a complete invalid since. He hadn't written a word for Nikki Heat, because he loved words, and the beauty, meaning, and depth of every single word reminded him of her. He didn't play games with remote-control anymore because it reminded him of the prank she threw him that night. He didn't even attend the sci-fi convention he was so excited about, because Kate loved sci-fi, and the whole thing was just reminding him of her.
God, he missed her so much. And maybe his Mother was right - he was a jackass.
Just like her.
He felt her daughter pressed her lips to his cheek, and he smiled. The only smile he hadn't faked in the last three months, because everyone lied to him, time doesn't heal, the longer he was away from her, the most it hurt.
Maybe there was hope after all.
"You'll be okay, Dad?" Her red hair was longer than he remembered, and she changed her hairstyle. She now has a bang, just like old times. The only differences were, she was more mature, taller, more beautiful, and she…she didn't ask his permission, not even told him that she had a new hairstyle anymore right now.
He laughed at himself, at the universe, mostly at him, how much things had changed at everyone he cared about and how it felt like he was just watching the whole changes without being a part of it.
Like he was invisible.
"Dad?"
"Yeah?"
Alexis frowned in concern. "You okay?"
He quickly nodded, didn't want her daughter to ask any more questions, because, damn it, Alexis, I love you so much, but please leave me alone in this, eventually time will heal, or if it doesn't, eventually I'll forget.
"Yes. Yes. I'm good. I'm fine."
"Good," she leaned again the walland sighed, "See you next month, Dad. Oh, and do you want to join?"
"Join what?"
"I don't know, I just feel like watching The Amazing Spiderman 2 with my dad. In fact, I have the tickets already." She raised an eyebrow, challenging him. She saw his dad's blue eyes lighten up.
"And when is that?"
"Hmm, let's see," she looked at her watch. "An hour from now?"
"An hour from now?!" He repeated her words and jumped to his room.
"I'll be back!"
Maybe he could live again.
"Why don't we buy some popcorn, pumpkin?"
Alexis shook her head. "We don't have much time left."
"But you love them."
She didn't respond. "Nachos?"
"Don't feel like it. Come on, Dad, there are people behind me. Don't move too slow."
"Okay, okay, no need to be scary," He walked faster, "where are we sitting?"
"Three rows from here."
"Left or ri-"
"Find the one with Kate in it."
Castle's eyes widened. "Did you just say Kate?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"You didn't say-"
"Dad, move faster, the person behind me kinda pushed me." She whispered to his ears.
They were finally settled, and Alexis was in the middle of her dad and Kate. None of them decided to break the silence, none of them decided to use the very little time of the commercials before the movie started, and so they just stared at the screen as the light started to fade.
Kate had bought caramel popcorn earlier, she told Alexis, and that's why they didn't buy any. He now understood that. But somehow, somehow he didn't smell the caramel as he always does.
He only smelled cherry.
He was so thankful of how much Alexis loved the superhero, and how her eyes never leave the screen as the movie started. It was dark, but somehow he could catch a glimpse of her – Kate Beckett – and then it stabbed him to the heart how her green eyes was watching the heroic scene at the screen yet they're so empty, how pale she looked like when the screen was bright enough so he could see her face, and how he was the cause of all of that.
He once swore on his life that he would never forgive any man, any person who hurt her, physically, emotionally, or even worse – both.
And yes, he would never forgive himself for this.
They would've been married right now, if only he didn't run. Maybe today she would tell him she was pregnant, maybe today they were planning their wedding, or just simply waking up to her beautiful face – so many things. But then he made a decision, the wrong decision, and he regretted it.
And then he realized – the last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder – if only.
The movie ended before he knew it.
AN: I know I should be working on "Break", but I swear I almost done with the 4th chapter and I can't let go the idea of this one. Oh, and sorry for the grammar errors, I don't speak English. Should I continue?