Beca pulled the phone away from her ear to check the caller ID while dodging the crowd in downtown LA. Yup, she was losing her mind.
"Hey Beca." Two words and her world upended, her stomach getting that too full, almost queasy feeling at hearing two simple words spoken by someone she thought she would never hear from again. She stopped dead in the middle of the busy sidewalk, forcing the stream of people to part around her.
"H-hey Chloe." She went for nonchalant and stumbled messily at the opening. Words were never easy for her and this was no exception. Beca expected an awkward pause, because she was the definition of an awkward pause, but the brunette should have known better, Chloe was always able to dance to her rhythm, and this time was no different.
"I heard your song." Chloe's voice was quiet, older, huskier and god help her sexier than she remembered. She had given up the idea that her visceral reaction to that voice would ever lessen.
Beca almost responded 'Which one?' but realized that would be her pretending to not know what Chloe was calling about. She told herself she was past pretending. Instead she grunted noncommittally.
"It was about me, wasn't it? About us?" Beca barked a laugh devoid of humor.
"There is no us Chlo." Beca kicked herself at shortening Chloe's name, she didn't deserve the term of endearment. She was slightly satisfied hearing the sharp intake of breath on the other end that meant Chloe wasn't as calm and in control as she was pretending.
"There's always been an 'us' Beca." Chloe sounded tired and hurt and Beca grimaced, then squared her shoulders, she wasn't tripping down this rabbit-hole again.
"Yeah is that what you told whathisface? How is he by the way? Pretty sure I just saw you guys on the cover of People." Beca realized she was standing in the middle of a busy LA sidewalk waving her arms. People were starting to notice and despite her beanie pulled low with oversized sunglasses in place, she couldn't rely on going unrecognized for long.
She ducked into the parking garage weaving through the cars in search of her car while she listened to Chloe snark back, "How's the Disney Princess? Or did you go back to the Hustler girl?"
Beca sighed, "She was a model, Chloe." The grunt of disbelief almost made Beca smile despite her anger. The sound made a memory surface of Chloe making that same noise when a confused Beca tried to explain her uncharacteristic behavior around the Amazonian lead singer of Das Sound Machine. Chloe's voice broke her out of that pleasant memory
"Who 'modeled' for Hustler, I'm sure she had a winning 'personality' Beca." Beca pinched the bridge of her nose, huddled in the corner of the parking garage while a family of four walked past laughing and on their way no doubt to be tourists. Chloe continued, "And you don't read People, Beca."
"I grocery shop, Chloe." Beca huffed. It was true she did occasionally shop for groceries, or what passed for groceries for her. Macaroni and Cheese and cans of Redbull for the late night studio sessions were a staple of life.
The silence stretched out and Chloe broke first, "I left him." She left the statement hanging between them.
Beca paused, closing her eyes and dropping her head trying to tamp down on the possibilities her brain insisted on running through. Her and Chloe together making music, her and Chloe on the patio of her condo eating some godawful salad that Chloe would insist was good for her. The thing was they weren't possibilities so much as memories. Painful memories of what they had and what they had thrown away.
"Yeah, sorry." Beca's tone said that she was anything but sorry.
"No you're not." Chloe didn't sound judgmental, just tired.
"No, I'm not." Beca gave a half-smile and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching, but thankfully she was alone.
Chloe wasn't all soft and fluffy, that was something Beca had realized after their break-up. The woman had claws and they were out now, "So the Disney princess, how did she like the song?"
"Chloe." Beca drew out Chloe's name and cringed at her pleading tone wondering where it came from.
"Or did you tell her it was all about her?"
Beca looked around, wondering why she was even having this conversation. But Chloe always had a way of making her say more than she wanted to.
"She left me. Happy?" Beca had reached her car, a beat-up old Honda that her manager told her she could afford 50 of and would she please by a goddamn car more suited to being a rockstar?
"No Becs, I'm not happy. Are you happy?"
Beca switched the phone to her other ear as she struggled to get the door open. It was always stuck and she yanked hard grunting a bit as it finally gave with a groan of metal. She stopped for a moment leaning on the door and breathing out softly, unable to lie to this woman to save her life, "No Chloe, I'm not happy."
She heard movement on the other end of the line, a rustling and then a clinking of ice in a glass. "I want to be happy Beca."
Beca looked at the cement ceiling of the garage as if praying for strength, but truth was she had given up praying after her parents divorced and she had ceased believing in much after she walked out on Chloe after Tom went with her to the Oscars, Chloe telling a heartbroken Beca she had to keep up appearances.
"You're an Emmy award winning actress Chloe. What would America's Sweetheart have to be sad over?"
"You know why."
"Me?" Beca hooked a thumb to her chest even though Chloe couldn't see the action. "I'm just an emotionally stunted woman-child who hides behind my music, and wouldn't know happiness if it crawled up and bit me in the ass, remember?" Beca was breathing heavier now, throwing Chloe's words from their last argument back at her.
"I'm sorry I said that Beca, I was angry. You also know I was right." Chloe's voice held a hint of waver in it, like she was fighting back tears and Beca felt like an ass.
"Doesn't change anything Beale."
"What if we could?" Chloe's voice sounded small yet hopeful for the first time.
Beca sighed, "We'd still be us Chloe." Not willing to let Chloe worm her way back in Beca pushed back, "Besides you left me this time."
Chloe let a little heat show in her tone, "Maybe I just wanted to beat you to it for a change."
"Whatever you want to tell yourself, Beale." Beca was trying for angry, but it came off as resigned. She felt the weariness in her bones and the want for the woman on the other end of the call was still real and raw.
"I want to tell myself we still have a chance."
"I can't do this Chloe." Beca slid into the ancient car, pulling the creaky door shut and leaned her head on the steering wheel. "I can't."
"Beca, is it because of Kelly?" Beca sat up, Chloe had never called her girlfriend by her name, even at their most polite détente of trying to be friends again.
Beca didn't want to tell her that Kelly had left her when she heard her composing the song late one night in her home studio. She had packed her things that night and left not wanting to compete with a redheaded ghost.
Beca didn't tell her that her dreams always included Chloe. Until she didn't believe in dreams anymore.
Feeling safe behind the shield of her phone and forgetting why she ever pretended differently at one time, she opted for honesty. "It was never about Kelly. She left when she heard me composing the song."
"Beca." One word, so much said and unsaid with just one word. All the hurt, all the longing, the sleepless nights with her guitar and mixing board were rushing back at her.
If Beca was honest she owed much of her success to her crippling attachment to a certain blue-eyed muse who filled her with every emotion. Outside of her Beca thought she didn't feel much, but when it came to Chloe, her emotions were in Technicolor and Dolby Surround Sound.
The songs were all about Chloe – even the ones that weren't about relationships were still saturated with Chloe in some way, born of a memory or a look or a shared secret. It killed her to walk by the platinum records on her wall and know what they represented. The rare person that visited her condo always remarked how humble she was to have them tucked away in a guest room. Beca never corrected them.
Beca wasn't sure how long the silence stretched with just their breathing coming across the line.
"I wish…"
Beca didn't let Chloe finish. "Yeah well this isn't a Disney movie. Wishing won't change anything."
"Hear me out Beca." Now it was Chloe's turn to plead.
"I won't be your dirty little secret Beale." There was no venom in Beca's voice, just a mournful sadness.
"You're not my secret Beca, you're my happiness." Chloe paused while Beca breathed in trying to hold back a sob at finally hearing Chloe say that. "And I think I'm yours."