:: Fade to Black ::

Gensomaden Saiyuki

Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: PG

Pairings: Goku/Sanzo

Warnings: post-series, fluff, angst, language, shounen ai, character death

Betaed by: Iapetus

Notes: Thanks to Nikki for helping me with some of the details, and to Iapetus for beta-reading this for me. I appreciate it.

This was vaguely inspired by Evanescence's "Hello," and the idea became a lot more solid after listening to "My Last Breath." Written for the 9/3 idea on the LJ community "Blondes N' Sarus," and thus why it's been released today. I'm toying with a sequel at the moment, but nothing's certain yet.

Constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.

It was the fear that jolted him awake. Gasping for breath as though he were a drowning swimmer finally surfacing, Sanzo clawed his way out of the blankets. His foot connected with warm flesh, making him give a soft, unintentional cry before he caught sight of the figure lying beside him.

Golden eyes blinked blearily; apparently his kick had woken the boy. "Mm... Sanzo?" Groggily the boy pushed himself up, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "S'wrong...?"

The shudders still hadn't died down. Momentarily mute, Sanzo shook his head weakly as he tried to regain his bearings. He couldn't even remember what had terrified him so badly; he just knew that there had been a lot of fighting and a lot of blood.

Yawning, the boy leaned against him, rubbing a warm hand against Sanzo's sweat-drenched back. "Were you dreamin' about the battle again?" He was beginning to sound more awake, more aware, and Sanzo had the distinct feeling the boy wasn't going to let him go back to sleep until he told him what was wrong.

Oddly enough, the boy's words made everything come back in a rush that made Sanzo's head ache. Grimacing, he nodded and leaned forward, resting his forehead in his hands.

It had been years since their final battle in Tenjiku, but the events still haunted him. There were times Sanzo forced himself to forget what had happened, and sometimes he was so successful that he would sleep peacefully for months. But then there were the times the nightmares came back, attacking him with full force. During those periods he would remember the bloodshed and carnage, could remember the scattered body parts littering the castle as they slowly made their way to the center.

He could remember his near brush with death. Falling debris, weapons flying all over the place; so many things had contributed to the chaos. So many things had caused the building to become unstable and collapse.

If Goku hadn't been there to shield him it was very likely Sanzo would have died.

The sweat covering his body finally grew cool; Sanzo felt his body temperature drop a little. Goku's hand continued rubbing along the muscles of his back, his fingers drawing little patterns that both soothed Sanzo and made him shiver.

"Feel better?" Goku's voice was still a bit high for someone his age, though Sanzo had long since grown used to it instead of cringing each time he heard it. Lifting his head from his hands, Sanzo gave a small nod. His lungs didn't feel constricted anymore, allowing him to breathe easier.

"Good," the brunette murmured, wrapping his arms around the man's shoulders. Used to the boy's affections by now, Sanzo allowed himself to lean against him, sighing heavily as he reached up to rub his eyes. The muscles behind them felt tight, his throat dry. He needed a drink, but Goku's embrace was too comfortable to leave right away.

Sometimes he wondered how he had gotten along without the boy for so long. While there had been many people who had made huge impacts in his life, Goku had been the largest, the most brilliant. There had been people who had made his life worth living before him, of course-- Master Koumyou and Shuuei being two of them. Then there had been those who had added more light and color to his life, who had intruded into his world and made him change his perspective on some things; some for better, some for worse.

However, Goku had been the one to make him appreciate all of that. Yes, he had realized what he'd lost when his master had died; yes, Sanzo had definitely treasured his teacher's memories more than ever once he was gone.

But Goku had done something different to him. Upon first finding the boy Sanzo had been dreading nothing but trouble. While problems had certainly come as a good portion of the package there had been something else that had unexplainably drawn him to Goku. Later on, once he'd had a moment to seriously reflect on his several years with the boy, Sanzo realized it was Goku's love for living that had held -- and still did hold -- him so fascinated.

It was Goku's voice that brought him back to reality. "You're still tense." Calloused fingers rubbed over Sanzo's taut shoulders, pressing into certain pressure points that made Sanzo gradually relax. "You need anything?"

"Maybe a drink," Sanzo finally croaked. He cringed and rubbed his throat, swallowing in attempt to rid himself of the discomfort.

He knew Goku was smiling without having to look over his shoulder. The brunette's touch finally slid away, though he did pause long enough to pat Sanzo on the back before untangling himself from the sheets. "I'll be right back, then," the boy promised, slipping out clad in only his shorts.

Sanzo shook his head slightly, wondering why he kept calling Goku that in his mind. It had been nearly five years since Gyuumaoh's defeat; Goku had been well into his twenties by then. He was most certainly a man now.

Yet for some reason Sanzo thought he looked exactly the same. It was as though age couldn't touch the young heretic. His eyes looked as wide as the day Sanzo had found him, still glinting with the same mischief and naïveté.

It's like he hasn't changed at all, the blonde suddenly realized. Goku was exactly the same as he had been during the journey. Something should have changed; the final battle should have at least made some sort of emotional impact on him. After all, Goku had nearly been crushed to death protecting his savior. That had to make some sort of dent in his behavior. It wasn't possible for someone to go through that and walk away without emotional or mental scars.

Yet Goku had. Sanzo realized he was disturbed by this acknowledgement

He glanced up without thinking, seeing Goku pad barefooted back into the room. The sliding door was shut behind him; he walked to the bed and sat on the edge, handing the blonde a glass of water. "You look worried," Goku remarked with a frown.

"It's nothing," Sanzo lied, gratefully accepting the drink. The water had no temperature; it wasn't cool or warm, but the liquid helped ease the tightness in Sanzo's throat. He finished half the glass before setting it aside on the nightstand and leaning back against the wall with a sigh.

Goku hitched across the mattress with him. "You sure you're okay?"

Sanzo nodded, his eyes lapsing shut. "Yeah." He felt Goku's warm hand rub his bare arm a few times as though he were still soothing the man from his nightmare. Then Goku slid his hand down, slowly tangling their fingers together. Used to this behavior, Sanzo allowed it.

Goku relaxed beside him, resting his head against the man's shoulder. Sanzo felt the mattress shift again with the boy's weight, then heard a soft snort. "You remember how this started?"

"How what started?"

Continuing to toy with his fingers, Sanzo sensed Goku was smiling again. Eerily enough he felt as though he were on the outside looking in, seeing them both curled up on one end of the bed. Cool white moonlight streamed through the nearby window, highlighting the blanket and their legs as well as the side of Goku's face.

"You know," Goku murmured. "Us. It took forever for you to just let me sleep in the same room as you, never mind share the same bed."

Sanzo scoffed. "As well as other things."

Once again he had that uncomfortable feeling he was having an out-of-body experience. He could see his own wry expression even with his eyes closed, as well as the impish grin that touched Goku's lips.

"Yeah, that too," Goku agreed, pressing his leg closer to Sanzo's. "You remember?"

Sanzo fell silent for a few moments. He remembered. Most clearly he remembered the setting, the night before their expected arrival in Tenjiku. They wouldn't have stopped, anxious as Sanzo was to get things over with, but Hakuryuu had been worn down as much as he could tolerate, and Hakkai had refused to push him any further.

It had been a cheap inn, the walls as thin as paper and the windows rattling precariously in even the lightest breeze. The floorboards had creaked when you put pressure down with your big toe. It had been easy to detect Goku's arrival because of that, not to mention the door's squeaky hinges.

---

"Ack." Sanzo turned in time to see Goku cringe, quickly shutting the door behind him. "Geez. It's like they haven't seen any customers in years."

"Maybe they haven't," Sanzo said dryly. He was itching for a cigarette but didn't dare open the window. From the looks of it the pane would have stuck even if he had managed to muscle it open. He had been getting ready to step out for a smoke when Goku had come inside.

Shrugging his agreement, Goku made his way over to the bed and sat down. "Say, Sanzo... mind if I sleep in here tonight?"

Sighing, Sanzo shook his head. It wasn't in a negative gesture; more like exasperated, as he dealt with this sort of thing often. "Aren't you a little old to run into my room when you have nightmares?" he asked, not bothering to hide his annoyance.

Goku shot the man his own irritated look. "I didn't have a nightmare."

"Whatever. What do you want?"

"Weren't you listening? I wanna stay in here with you." Goku scooted back further on the bed, drawing his knees up to his chest as he finally took his eyes off his master. After an elongated silence he added in softer tones, "Maybe I am a little scared."

The admission took Sanzo aback. He eyed the boy skeptically, not sure if he had heard correctly.

As though feeling Sanzo's gaze on him, Goku continued. "We've just gotten this far and... I dunno. It's like..." He made a face, as though trying to search for the right words to explain himself. "I guess I kinda feel that all our battles were just exercises until now. We're going up against the real thing, Sanzo. We..." His voice dropped a few noticeable decibels. "We might really lose this time."

The solemnity Goku was taking on was both contagious and worrisome. Sanzo sighed softly, turning his head to look out the window. He heard the bedsprings squeak.

"Are you regretting this?"

He knew Goku was advancing on him and made no move to reject him when lanky arms wound slowly around his midsection. He turned slightly so Goku's embrace wouldn't feel uncomfortable. Cold metal pressed into his collarbone through the fabric if his shirt.

"I don't wanna regret anything," Goku finally said in a surprisingly strong voice. "If I'm gonna die, I won't die with regrets."

Sanzo wished he could say the same thing. He didn't want to regret anything, but he still had a lot in his past he couldn't forgive himself for. At the very least, perhaps he would just try to regret as little as possible.

"Sanzo?"

Understanding the unspoken part of the question, Sanzo nodded. The kiss Goku drew him down for was brief and chaste, somehow soothing him. He felt Goku relax; he seemed to feel the same way.

When he trusted his voice to work properly, Sanzo spoke again. "Just for tonight."

Relief showed in Goku's smile. "Thanks, Sanzo..."

---

Realizing Goku was still waiting for his response, Sanzo nodded. "I remember," he said quietly. "It's kind of hard to forget."

Goku made a soft noise of agreement, nuzzling against the man's shoulder. "You were warm," he murmured. "Always were... always are." He smirked, drawing back slightly. "Even if you still sometimes are a bastard."

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "Bad habits die hard."

Chuckling, Goku nudged Sanzo's leg with his knee. "I like this," he said. "When we talk like this. Sometimes I get the feeling you don't wanna take me seriously."

Sanzo shrugged. When he did he couldn't feel the wall beneath his shoulder blades, which struck him as odd. Come to think of it, neither could he feel the blankets beneath them even though he knew they should feel warm. He tried moving his foot and realized he couldn't really feel the blankets at all. He knew what it was by looking down, but if he closed his eyes he honestly couldn't tell by touch alone if he was on the bed, the floor, or the middle of the air.

When he looked over at Goku his chest suddenly felt tight again. There was something wistful in the boy's expression, something that told him that told him things were about to go very, very wrong.

"I like this, Sanzo," Goku repeated in a strangely small voice. "I'm going to miss it."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sanzo demanded, instinctively drawing away from the boy. Panic was making it even more difficult to breathe. Sanzo felt dizzy.

Shaking his head, Goku drew back a little. "I'll miss it," he said again. "I'll miss you. And this world."

When he was scared Sanzo immediately fell into a defensive anger. It made him feel a bit more in control even though he knew otherwise. "You're insane," he snapped. "What the hell are you going on about, damn it?!"

Tilting his head, Goku asked, "Doesn't it seem weird that things are so calm?" He spread his arms. "What's outside of this room, Sanzo? Do you even know?"

"Of course I do," the blonde said through his teeth. "The temple. We're back at the temple."

"Why?" Goku asked simply.

That made Sanzo hesitate, but only briefly. "We had nowhere else to go."

Goku laughed; it sounded so hollow that it made Sanzo shiver. "That's stupid," Goku said. "We could have gone anywhere. We could have settled anywhere we wanted. You hated this place; we both did. We had no ties to it. Why would we come back?"

He had a point-- quite a few of them, actually. Air fell out between his lips as Sanzo ran a hand through his hair, frustration catching up with him rapidly. "I don't know," he admitted. "But we're here."

The boy smiled again, though it didn't reach his eyes. He touched Sanzo's knee, rubbing him soothingly. "It's okay, Sanzo," he said quietly. "It's fine."

"How the hell can it be fine if I don't know what you're talking about?" Sanzo demanded, aware his voice was rising to a near shriek. "When the hell did you get so cryptic?!"

"If I tell you, you won't believe me," the boy said. "So I'm trying to help you figure it out." He lowered his eyes, not removing his hand from Sanzo's leg. At last he murmured, "Was the water cold?"

The bad feeling was getting worse. Tersely, Sanzo said, "I don't know."

Goku nodded, his fingers tensing on Sanzo's leg. "What about when you see yourself? Don't you think that's weird?"

"Astral flight," Sanzo said automatically, even though he knew it was too far-fetched an idea. "It can happen."

The look Goku gave him was a mixture of sadness and disappointment. Sanzo knew the boy hated the fact his savior was trying to avoid the truth, but he didn't think he wanted to know it. Goku must have noticed that. Even so, he said, "Sanzo... can you honestly say that just once you've felt anything other than me? If you really think about it, aren't we the only things that feel real to you?"

It wasn't so much that things went dark as they simply disappeared. Sanzo knew he was suspended in thin air, but he didn't feel weightless. Their surroundings had no color or feel, but Sanzo could see Goku perfectly fine. He had another out-of-body experience that told him he was perfectly visible as well.

Goku's grip on his knee tightened; his knuckles were white. "Don't you dare die," he said hoarsely. If Sanzo didn't know better he would have said the boy was on the verge of tears. "I'll never forgive you if you die, Sanzo."

It took him a few moments to think of something to say. "Where are you going?"

Shrugging, Goku let his hand fall from Sanzo's knee. "Back to the earth, I suppose," he murmured, leaning forward to press his lips against his savior's. Sanzo allowed it, responding without thinking. His body tilted forward as he intended to deepen it, but Goku drew back. Reluctant, Sanzo fell back as well.

"Promise you won't do anything stupid."

Sanzo snorted even though the sinking feeling in his stomach made him feel sick. "That's usually my line, you brat."

Goku merely smiled.

---

The first thing he felt upon awakening was the heat. After that was how damn heavy his head felt and the pain it caused him simply to lift his eyelids. Things were unusually bright and blurry, wrenching a soft, coarse groan from him before his eyes shut again.

"Holy shit." The words sounded distant but Sanzo somehow knew the voice wasn't that far away. He heard the sound of a chair scraping against wooden floorboards. "Hakkai! He seriously moved this time!"

What...? Sanzo's head hurt horribly. He wanted to move his hand, but that felt heavy as well. This time it was a physical weight, not something that had to do with a headache. A cool hand touched his forehead, a familiar voice reaching his ears. Before Sanzo could comprehend who it was he began to feel lightheaded again.

He must have passed out, because when he woke again the weight on his arm was gone. He was also able to open his eyes without wincing too horribly; this time they adjusted to the bright light. The room seemed to be empty.

Laying there for a few minutes, Sanzo took the time to slowly sort his thoughts out. The last thing he remembered was the ceiling at Houtou castle collapsing; he remembered clenching his eyes shut and hearing an agonized scream before he was struck on the head. When he had woken up his entire body had hurt.

Now he felt all right, though his eyes were beginning to sting and he realized how thick his tongue seemed in his mouth. He gagged softly, trying to roll over on his side but finding his limbs didn't want to cooperate. After a struggle that only managed to drape his arm over his stomach he finally gave up.

When the door opened Sanzo had no idea how much time had passed. He glanced to his right, barely able to make out the figure watching him. With a faint smile his guest shut the door behind him and walked over to the bedside.

"How are you feeling?" Hakkai asked gently.

Sanzo grimaced, making a strangled noise to show he couldn't speak. Understanding immediately, Hakkai helped the man sit up before getting him a glass of water. He had to hold it to Sanzo's mouth; Sanzo ended up choking on the liquid, some of it dripping down his chin as he nearly doubled over coughing.

Hakkai rubbed his back until the coughing fit had passed. Feeling weak and nauseas, Sanzo couldn't find the energy to sit back up. Hakkai helped him lie down again.

Trusting himself to speak, he said in a ragged voice, "How long...?"

Pulling up a chair, Hakkai sat down beside the bed. "Six months," he said in a low tone. "We had a difficult time digging you out of the rubble." His eyebrows stitched in an expression that clearly spoke of regret. "Gojyo and I were in the other room, so we didn't catch the brunt of that particular collapse. You broke quite a few bones-- and your arm just finished healing today, in case you're wondering."

Sanzo nodded; that explained the lack of weight on his arm. The cast must have been removed. Something didn't quite seem in place. He took his time thinking about what was missing, and Hakkai seemed more than willing to be patient.

At last it hit him. "Where's Goku?"

Hakkai's lack of response was unsettling. Sanzo closed his eyes, hissing softly as pain suddenly flared in his ribs. He weakly clutched at his midsection, shuddering as his body started to realize other limbs that also hurt.

He dimly heard Hakkai get up, but he didn't realize why until something stung his arm. Cringing, Sanzo tried to pull away, but Hakkai held fast. With his body weakened there was little Sanzo could to do put up a fight, so he accepted the shot without further protest.

It took a while for the drug to set in, and when Sanzo started to feel numb and groggy he realized it was anesthetic. He mentally cursed Hakkai, too exhausted and emotionally weak to open his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Sanzo."

---

This time it wasn't an out-of-body experience when he looked at the room. He was aware of whom he was, where he was, and that it was far from real. It was a rare state in which he could control his dreams.

Sanzo walked around the room, silent and contemplative as he experienced freedom his physical body currently couldn't feel. He traced his fingers over the nightstand without feeling it, the half-empty glass of water still there from his last visit. The blankets were still rumpled where he and Goku had sat. The room was an ideal place for him, something he had wanted to have subconsciously. It was a world where only they existed, where they could treasure their feelings for each other forever.

It wasn't real. Sanzo bitterly hated the room now, even with all the false memories he still retained of it. He knew that this time when he woke he was going to remember everything he had dreamed here, everything from Goku's laughter to the rough but loving touches beneath the sheets.

False memories. They had simply been dreams conjured by his unconscious mind, enough of them to fill in for the six months he had been in a coma. It explained why they had never aged, why Goku had always looked as Sanzo remembered him before the final battle-- because that had been his most recent imagery of him.

This was going to be his last visit here. The night before their big battle Goku really had gone to his room, had said he wanted to go into Houtou castle without any regrets. With his mostly wordless confession -- and his ultimate sacrifice -- it seemed he had. Sanzo was jealous of him for getting to die without any regrets in his life, especially now that he would have to live his own burdened with regret.

Without thinking he grabbed the glass, throwing it against the wall. It shattered upon impact, as he expected, but the water soaked nothing. Pieces of glass littered the floor, not a single shard wet or damp.

It definitely wasn't real. As much as he didn't want to, Sanzo knew he ought to leave his memories of Goku here along with the shattered glass.

He paused, giving the bed another glance. Their final talk flashed by in his mind. Somehow, even knowing it wasn't real Sanzo didn't want to lose that memory.

Deciding he could visit another time, Sanzo closed his eyes before returning to the real world. The anesthetic had worn off.