Kuga Natsuki. It was as though her name had shaped her very nature, the harsh consonants and the brief abruptness of it transmuting into a cold, unforgiving demeanor.
But the truth is that it was not her name that shaped her. It was her fear. She was terrified, paralyzed with fear at the thought of losing another person she held dear.
Rather than deterring me, this only spurred me on. I wanted to help heal her, to remind her that love is a necessary part of every person's life and to be a source of that love for her.
Said like that, my motives seem pure and noble, but the truth is, they've always been selfish. Everything I've done has been driven by my love for her.
Once, I thought love was a sweet, benevolent force. A wonderful treasure. The greatest thing in this world.
I still believe that love is the greatest thing in this world, but there is so much more I understand about it now. It's a sort of desperation, a fierce need, like a thirst that can never be slaked no matter how much one drinks.
I know this because I have drunk of her, and drunk of her, and it is never enough.
At first, it was almost enough to watch out for her, to do what I could to ensure her safety. To watch her from afar and know she was well.
Then it was almost enough to spend time with her on those occasions when she came by the Student Council Room. To feel the surprised flutter in my heart when I opened the door and saw here there, working at my computer. To gently flirt with her and see her blush.
And then I touched her, knowing it would not be enough. Saw my chance and took it, though I knew it was risky, that I would lose everything if she found out. I was powerless to resist.
I never intended to touch her... I take comfort from that fact, sometimes. That my love for her was pure, once. That it was harmless.
It is harmless no more. I have violated her, and that is something that can never be forgiven. But it's all right, I assure myself, she will never suspect. I am good at keeping secrets, good at being careful. Things will continue as they have been, and I will indulge whenever I get the chance, in secret.
It's better that way.