Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: the Last Airbender. I also do not own the subtitle bit, because it belongs to Flyleaf from their song So I Thought.
Notes: This, this is the story of my life. No, really. This is therapeutic writing to help me work through issues with Real Life, except it turned out pretty good and fits what I think Sokka and Toph could be like. Also, I use the word chickenshit in excess. It makes me happy. Haha.
Suggested Listening: First Love or Love Hurts by Yiruma.
Polaroids
say to those who are in love: it can't be true, 'cos you're too young
Toph gulps down the word vomit―protestations and questions and snarky comments and false wisdom and god-knows-what-else―that is threatening to come spilling out in a rush. The words are pressing against her, pounding at her heart until the beat says "i love you i love you i love you iloveyou iloveyou iloveyouiloveyou" and she feels like the rushing in her ears and the rushing in her heart and the rushing in her mind are all conspiring to make her faint like the silly little girl she really is.
It confuses him, she knows. The thought of him, face screwed up in confusion, makes her want to both smile and hug him. She restrains that feeling though too. The words and the desire to touch him war with each other, desperate for release. And god, god she wants to release it all. Just let it all come rushing out like water from a broken dam.
"I…" she says. The word feels like it's tripping off her tongue, stumbling and unsure in the face of his too beautiful voice and too beautiful body and just too beautiful… "I think that maybe…" And she should stop being a chickenshit, she really should. She should spit out that she thinks that maybe this is the closest to love she's ever been.
"i love you spit it out i love you spit it out" is thrumming through her mindbodysoulheart.
She waits for him to growl, to urge her impatiently. Waits and waits and waits because she cannot say the words and every second that she stands here pathetically while he simply looks at her makes her fall more and more in love with him. And she really cannot deal with being more in love with him than she already is. Madly, passionately, stupidly, obsessively, ridiculously, truly in love.
The seconds tick, he blinks again. Slow, deliberate. Her heart speeds. Ohgodgodgod she cannot handle this anymore.
And the words spill forth. Like a river escaping a dam. Like a storm breaking. Like a million things. "You already know, I think, I'm pretty sure. And I know that you probably don't care. It's not stupid but it feels like it. Just, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" The words spill forth like a river, like a storm, like a million things and she's still a chickenshit. God, she doesn't want to be a chickenshit anymore. She wants to be brave.
So she screws up all her courage, every single ounce that she can even think of mustering. And most of it is imaginary, but she's going to ignore that. "Just…I like you, a lot. I have for a long time. So would you go out with me?" Oh, that was not what was supposed to come out. Not what was supposed to come out at all. Except, now, she's sort of glad it did.
The air feels incredibly awkward. With a sinking heart, she realized that if he could flee, he would. "Um, I don't know if I could be your boyfriend or anything but…okay." A rejection of sorts, but he is too nice to outright say no. Toph's heart both sinks and lifts; but she just smiles and thanks him and runs away like some excited little girl when really she's running because she feels like any second she's about to collapse from the war of excitement and heartbreak that consumes her very soul.
And when she makes it to the girls bathroom, she cries. Cries and cries and cries until she has no tears left to cry. Because she is happy, and because there is a sinking feeling in her gut that says this cannot last.
Almost a year passes.
They break up two (or maybe three, for some reason she can't remember which it is) times. Because of him. Because of space and time and age and insecurities and a thousand other things. She rolls her eyes every time, tries to be his friend, and secretly dreams of punching his lights out while calling him unflattering names till she turns blue. Still, they survive and every day she tucks a new fond memory into her heart. Except then they break up. A final time, she wants to believe. (If he comes crawling back, she promises herself that she will not take him, but heaven knows she's damn weak willed when it comes to him.)
This time it's because they are no longer "natural". And she understands, she really does. Which is the sad part. And when she cries herself to sleep for the ninth night in a row, she tells herself that this is okay. He is her best friend, her protector, her shining and utterly oblivious white knight, and…her villain, her bully, her heartbreaking bastard. And she is the princess who was too much of a chickenshit to save herself. So much, she thinks bitterly, for Happy Ever Afters.