Road to Nowhere

by XanderB

Songfic to The Road to No Where by Ozzy Osbourne. Look for more stories on mediaminer or adultfanfiction under angel of innocence.

The Road To Nowhere

Warnings: Duo POV, angst, mentions of violence, past sex, and drug abuse as well as past death, YAOI (maleXmale), possible LEMON, some spoilers, etc.

Disclaimers: I do not own any characters in the fic besides the ones I made up and there is no profit intended to be made on this fic or any others of mine. Also, do not own the any songs used in thes fics. This song rightfully belongs to the Ozzman himself. I'd never even dream of taking it.

Pairings: HeeroXDuo, TrowaXQuatre, WufeiXOC.

LYRICS

I was looking back on my life

And all the things I've done to me

I'm still looking for the answers

I'm still searching for the key

(Duo Flashback)

I held the needle close to my skin, about to plunge it into the large purple vein winding through my pale arm. I flung it across the room. What was I thinking? I shouldn't be doing this. I couldn't give in to the addiction. I wanted out of this sick web of twisted guilt and fogged memories. I got up off the bed. I felt sick. I looked at myself in the mirror.

I saw a scrawny thirteen year old drug addict. My body looked frail and pale, my veins showing clear through the transparent skin. My hair was untied and there was cum stuck in it. I hadn't washed it in days. I didn't have the time, I'd been looking for a fix. My eyes were sunken in and my lips were chapped. Old makeup ran under my eyelashes, blending with the dark circles resting on my cheekbones. I looked much older than my meager thirteen years. What had happened to me?

What would Sister Helen think if she saw me now? What about Father Maxwell or Solo? Would they look away from me in shame? Probably. I could barely stand to look at myself.

I looked around the seedy hotel room. I'd given the owner a blowjob in exchange for the night in the room. I climbed into the shower and used the cheap shampoo and soap to clean myself up. I could barely keep ahold of the soap with how bad the shakes were. I threw up three times right after I got out of the shower, but there wasn't much to throw up. I pulled on the cleanest clothes I had and threw all of my drugs away. No temptation. Heroine was nasty stuff. Fucked me up right well, that shit did. I glimpsed myself in the mirror again. I almost looked normal, though the dark circles still sat under my sunken eyes and I still shook uncontrollably. I just needed a few good meals and a good night's rest and I'd be all right. I just needed some cash.

I got money the only way I knew how. I blew three strangers and let one fuck me for 600 credits that night. My ass was sore, but I didn't care as I scarfed down the hamburger and fries I'd bought at a somewhat decent diner. I ignored the looks I got from strangers as I ate. I didn't really care less what they thought of my trampy clothes or the smell of sex that was around me. I didn't give two shits, I was actually eating food, real food. I even spent the night in a decent hotel that had nice soap and clean towels and sheets. I slept peacefully for the first time in nearly six months. Oh how I'd fallen in those six months. Drugs, prostution, death, and alcohol. Thirteen years and I'd seen more than most adults in their entire lives.

The next day, I walked out of that hotel, out of that life and into Professor G's waiting arms. G helped me, I guess. I mean, he got me to think more before I acted and he gave me a goal in life. I won't say the bastard was nice to me 'cause he sure as hell wasn't. He hit me plenty and screamed at me. I never really cared. I was used to it. Then I went out into the war. That's where I am today, well sort of. The war is ending, I think.

Ah, the war. That's where I met my comrades, well I guess they're more like brothers in arms, like family almost. I love 'em all dearly. I like to think we'll all stay together forever and we'll grow old together, you know. We could be like those old men that have been friends all our lives and play chess in the park while we remenise about the good 'ol days back in the war. Hm, I guess that's a dream of mine. Shh, don't tell anyone, especially Heero. He'd probably say that dreams are a liability...

I remember when I met Heero. He was trying to off Relena. I should've let the bastard while he had the chance, but stupid me, I saved her. She didn't even want to be saved. Stupid braud. I nearly killed Heero 'cause of her. Then, I got to play knight in shining armor when Heero was in that facility and those stupid doctors were proddin' and pokin' him, trying to figure out why he was so invincible. He actually put his own leg back into place after that little excursion and smirked the whole damn time while I nearly upchucked my breakfast and lunch. Then he went so far as to steal my poor Deathscythe's parts. The bastard. I could've killed him, if I hadn't been thinking of how much I wanted to have sex with the sexy asshole. I had a major lust crush on him for like six months while we worked together, then I began to worry about him and stupid shit like that. I actually wanted to spend time with him rather than fuck him. It was weird. I started to think about the future and the future is a dangerous thing. I'd never thought much about love in the present let alone the future. It just was never that important to me after most of my loved ones died. Sex, now that I knew, but love, that was an entirely different ballgame. Love between friends, family, sure, but love between lovers, soldiers and comrades at that, that was just something I didn't know how to handle.

I became best of friends with Quatre at the time and he was madly in love with Trowa. It was so funny. He was so embarrassed. I'll never forget when he asked me about sex. He wanted to know how to do it and what it was like. It was the most hysterical thing you've ever seen, Quatre stuttering about blowjobs and anal sex. I nearly pissed my pants, I was laughing so hard.

I'm not really sure when I realised I was in love with Heero like Quatre loved Trowa. I think it was when he came to kill me after I was captured by OZ and I thought he was really gonna do it and then he didn't. I was so damn scared that he'd do it. I think I knew it then.

And now I'm in a bit of a jam. I've been searching all my life for answers just like he has and I'm still searching for the key to my freedom from guilt and the life destiny picked out for me. And I know Heero's searching too, I just don't know what for, his emotions maybe. I hope he finds them. I wish I could be the one to help him on his quest, but I know he'll get Relena to. He deserves the life she can offer him and she's not really a bad person, just not very bright. I dunno what to do, like I said the war is ending and I'm still searching. I wanted Heero to help me find the freedom I crave, but there's no chance of that, so I guess I'll just keep wandering and searching 'til I find what I'm looking for.

The wreakage of my past keeps haunting me

It just won't leave me alone

I still find it all a mystery

Could it be a dream

The road to nowhere

Leads to me

(End Flashback)(Present)

Through all the happiness and sorrow

I guess I'd do it all again

Live for today and not tomorrow

It's still the road that never ends

You know, even though my past is filled with shit I'd rather never think of and some mixed happiness and even though I know my dreams of being with Heero will never be anything more than that, I think I'd do it all again. It's depressing to think I can't ever be more to Heero than his friend, but I wouldn't trade meeting him for anything in the world. I love him more than anything and I'd relive my past any day just so long as I get to meet him over and over again.

I mean look at it this way, I may have had shit for life before this damned war, but even though it still kind of sucks at least I'm not alone anymore. I have Quatre and Trowa, Wufei, Hilde, Howard, and... Heero. I've decided to live for today and not tomorrow 'cause I don't know if I'll make it to see tomorrow. I'd rather just wait and see instead of dreaming of something that may never come. Its kind of a morbid way to look at it I guess, but it keeps me sane. And safe...

Sometimes my mind wanders to the future. A future I know won't be so, but it's still fun to dream about sometimes. I dream of owning a big, old farmhouse with a chicken pen and an orchard of cherry and apple trees. I dream of children's laughter and night's in Heero's arms, warmth and comfort. I dream of gardening and a black and white dog named Shelby. I dream of blue skies and the ocean. I dream of millions of stars and matching wedding bands, but most of all I dream of being free. Free from the cage I've locked myself in. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be free from the torment I put myself through in my own mind?

The wreakage of my past keeps haunting me

It just won't leave me alone

I still find it all a mystery

Could it be a dream

The road to nowhere

Leads to me

"Duo? What are you doing in here all alone?" Heero's voice startles me out of my reverie. You know, he's the only one who can manage to sneak up on me without my knowledge.

"Nothin'. I was jus' daydreamin'. What's up?" I reply. He sits on the edge of the bed and watches me. I'm surprised that he enitiated the conversation. He's not really much of a conversationalist, but apparently today he feels like one.

"Duo, the war is ending," he's talking again. I watch his mouth move with the words and listen to his beautiful, accented voice as he speaks. He watches me watch him and I nod to his words, encouraging him to continue. "I don't know what will happen to us tomorrow when we go on this last mission. Its a big one and if anything does happen, I want you to-"

"-Tell Relena that you're sorry and you love her." I interrupted. I couldn't stand to hear him say it. I guess I just didn't want to let go of that little fragment of hope that i was still clutching onto for dear life down in the deepest corner of my tattered soul. He looked puzzled. Then he did something I've never really heard Heero do. He laughed, like a real, true laugh. He laughed so hard, he actually snorted. I was in shock. What on earth or the colonies was so damn funny and why wasn't I in on it? Did I miss something?

"No, Duo. I want you to know that you are my best friend and I don't want to regret my life. Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm not very good with words. I want to-to show you how I feel." he said after he finally collected himself enough to speak again. I nodded.

"Okay. You can show me." I replied. Heero moved across the bed, to the edge where I was sitting on a chair, tipping it back. He reached up and put his hand against my cheek. His fingertips were cool against my burning cheeks. My heart nearly jumped out my throat when I saw him coming closer. If I woke up from this dream, I would kill myself. Heero closed the last few centimeters between us and pressed his lips to mine in a hard, chaste kiss. It wasn't romatic or soft or magical, but it was real.

I kissed him back until I forgot to balance the chair and fell off of it onto my ass. Heero stiffled a laugh and I blushed.

"I wanted you to know that I loved you, if I died I mean. And now you know. I've been searching for a long time for the key to my heart and my trapped emotions, Duo, and you hold it in your pocket. You turned it and dusted the cobwebs away from my emotions and set them free. Thank you, Duo and I love you." he finished and then he was gone.

O-oh O-oh

The road to nowhere's gonna pass me by

O-oh O-oh

I hope we never have to say good-bye

I never wanna live without you, yeah

We completed the mission just fine, I guess. The war really did seem to end. There were no more missions for us and the government rounded up the last of the OZ soldiers. We were finally free. I was so very happy. We'd all made it through, although Heero was in the hospital for a bit. I was still happy, at least we'd all made it out alive. And now I could finally show Heero that I felt the same. I never wanted to say good bye...

Then Heero escaped from the hospital. He was gone for months. There was no trace. I moved to an apartment on the east coast by myself. I was lonely and I tried to fill my life with work and gardening and sports, just about anything to keep my thoughts away from Heero. Quatre had to run his father's company for a bit and Trowa went to the circus for a while. I just waited. I didn't really know what I was waiting for, but I waited non-the-less. I wouldn't believe that Heero wasn't coming back, even after nearly a year went by.

Then the Mariemeia incident happened and Heero showed up and saved the world again. We destroyed our gundams and I went back to my little apartment and god knows where Heero ran off to. I had money, but nothing to do with it. I was lonely and depressed. The hope I'd been clutching to slowly seeped away and left me bitter and cold inside.

Imagine the surprise I felt when he showed up on my doorstep in a manner of speaking, its more like showed up at my apartment door. I'd promised myself that if he ever came now that I was cold that I wouldn't throw myself at him, but I couldn't help it. All the time I'd spent waiting for him melted away and I hugged him and kissed him and he hugged and kissed me right back. He told me what he'd been doing.

He'd been travelling to the cities we'd destroyed during the war and helping to rebuild them out of his own pocket. Why hadn't I thought of that? I understood and I still loved him as much as I had when we were 16, if not more now.

The wreakage of my past keeps haunting me

It just won't leave me alone

I still find it all a mystery

Could it be a dream

The road to nowhere

Leads to me

That night, I coudn't help myself, I jumped him as soon as we were in my room. I'd missed him so much and I told him so. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I showed him.

"Mmm, Duo." Heero moaned as I flicked his nipple with my tongue and palmed his erection. It was a sexy sound and hearing it made my own hard-on ache with need.

"Duo, I want to be inside you." he said, half-moaning, half-growling. I felt my cock jump. I kissed him and let him flip our positions, him now on top of me. He tortured me for a few moments, licking my nipples and fondling my erection. I gasped and moaned loudly. Then I felt the intruding finger. Heero pushed the finger into me slowly. I bit my lip. I hadn't done this in years, not since my hooking days and it bloody hurt. It was like bein' a virgin all over again.

Heero pushed in two more fingers before he decided I was ready to take him. I looked at his cock. I wasn't so sure I was ready for it, but it didn't matter now. Heero pushed forward, just the tip sliding in. I yelped and bit my lip to try and ignore the pain shooting through my ass.

Heero pushed in more and more until he was fully seated in me. The burning sensation soon dulled and Heero began to move. I began to cry out. I told him over and over that I loved him and to never leave me. Heero's thrusts grew harsher and quicker with every word I whispered to him. I was practically screaming when I came and Heero wasn't far behind. If you ever have truly mind-blowing sex, you'll get what I'm talking about here. I felt like I was gonna pass out from the sheer ecstasy of the orgasm that quaked through me. Oh, and the feeling of Heero coming inside of me, I nearly died. It was incredible. I couldn't get enough. I felt like I was drowning or suffocating or both, but damn I wanted more. It was like a drug and you only had to take it once and you'd be addicted for life. I was most definitely addicted.

I actually did pass out soon after and so did Heero. We were so exhausted after that long day and night. We'd talk in the morning.

The road to nowhere leads to me

The road to nowhere leads to me

You got-ta-got-ta-got-ta lead to me

In the morning, I woke to the feel of someone playing with my hair. I remembered the night before and realized it was Heero. I sighed and stretched. I yawned and opened my eyes to see his bright blue ones staring back at me. I smiled lazily.

"Mornin'." I said. Heero smiled then. He had such a beautiful smile.

"Good morning. How are you feeling?" he asked. I glared at him. My ass was sore and my abdominal muscles were cramped and aching, other than that I felt just peachy.

"Proud of yourself, are you?" I asked. Heero ducked his head.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. I was going to respond, but he continued. " I'm sorry for everything Duo, I never meant to take so long. I don't even know why I came back at all now. I have nothing to offer, no money, no nothing. I'm like the road to nowhere..." He said as he bowed his head. I grabbed his chin and made him look at me.

"I don't care about any of that, I just want your love, I have all the money I need for the both of us. I love you. Don't you dare ever leave me again. Ever." I said very seriously. I kissed him and then a thought stuck me.

"And Heero, just to let you know, that road to nowhere, it leads to me." I said. Heero just smiled.

The road to nowhere leads to me

You got-ta-got-ta-got-ta lead to me

You got-ta-got-ta-got-ta lead to me

Oh, The road to nowhere

Owari

So, what did you all think? I liked it, myself, but what do I know, I'm just the authour-ess sweatdrop. I really like this song. Its called 'The Road To Nowhere' by Ozzy Osbourne and I've wanted to write it for a while now, so I hope you all like it. Let me know what you think. Thanx. Much love!

Angel

P.S. I will be updating other stories soon, just to let all my fans know.

(Fate's Plan, Eternity Reborn, Darkness Rises, and a new sequel to the Fingerprints series)