When Fairytales Go Wrong: Zeldarella.
Disclaimer: If I had a fairy Godmother, I'd wish for Gamecube to be out in the UK so I could buy it with my Christmas money; I'd wish for a Zelda game to play on it with the nice grown up Link instead of the weird cartoony one and I'd also wish that I owned Zelda because I don't. And I don't own Cinderella, not that it makes any difference because the guy who does is some randomer whose name we don't know and is propping up daisies.
A.N: I have a confession to make. I have mislaid the floppy disk on which Simple Wish and Hyrule Tournament are saved on. I hold my siblings solely responsible for its disappearance and they will be interrogated and then tortured until I find it. In the mean time, I thought I'd fill the void with this extremely odd snippet of a story that I thought up. OK, maybe it's been ripped off from a fairytale we all know and love, but my mother had me mopping the floor today so I felt in the mood for it...
The scene: A small, blank room with costumes hanging on the wall. Picture if you will, three girls having an argument or rather two girls picking on another one.
Ruto: It's not fair I wanted to be Cinderella!
Malon: I wanted to be Cinderella!
Ruto: Malonella? It sounds like some kind of food poisoning...
Malon: Well it's better than Rutoella!
Zelda: Has nobody actually noticed that the story's called Zeldarella?
A.A: If anyone should be Cinderella it's me.
All: Hunh?
A.A: Well think about it. What's my real name?
Ruto: Your Omnipotence?
Malon: Empress of the Universe?
Ganondorf: Mistress of our Humble Existences?
A.A: Ooh I like those. But no.
Zelda: It's Lucinda.
A.A: Yes, therefore Lucindarella. (Can't tell you how chuffed I was when I found that out!) Actually, if you want to get into something funny, I have the Cinder part in my name and my little sister has the Ella part so...
Link *appearing for the first time*: Can we get on with the casting please?
A.A: OK. Zeldarella will be Zelda.
Zelda: Told you!
A.A: Zeldarella's Evil and Nasty Stepmom will be...
Link: Julia Roberts!
Everybody: *snicker*
A.A: Um, no. Veran's going to be the Evil and Nasty Stepmother.
Veran: I see my true calling! I have shrugged off the bounds of evil and become a thesbian!
Malon: Nobody cares about your sexuality.
Link and Zelda: *snicker*
A.A: Riiight. Moving swiftly on, Malon and Ruto as the two Rather Unspecial and Spoilt Stepsisters Malonella and Rutoissmelly...
Malon and Ruto: Noooo!
A.A: Queens of Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land will be Kotake and Koume!
Kotake and Koume: At last, world domination is ours!
A.A: Prince Charmless will be...
Link: Thankyou, thankyou...
A.A: Ganondorf.
Link: Thankyou... WHAT THE HELL?!
Ganondorf: Tee hee hee, I'm the Prince!
Zelda: You have got to be kidding me.
A.A: The Fairy Oddmother is going to be...
Link: If it's me I'm not going to be a happy little elf.
A.A: Impa.
Navi and Tatl: NO FAIR!
A.A: Prince Charmless' Valet is Link.
Link *sarcastically*: Whoop de doo.
A.A: Postman is Kaepora Gaebora and the Coachmen are Rauru and Darunia with Mido and Random-Rock-Shagging-Kokiri as footmen and Epona, Impa's random white horse, the horse at the Gerudo Firing Range, Ingo's horse that lost to Epona and the creepy horses that the Gorman brothers rode as the carriage horses. I think that's it. Right then, with the casting set we'll move towards the production of:
ZELDARELLA!!
Well, let's just say that the in little kingdom of Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land, things were very, very peculiar. Possibly the most peculiar thing that had happened was that one of the nobles had been killed by being unfortunately sat upon by a rather bulbous fish man named Zora and the deceased's lands were passed onto the deceased's wife Veran, who had two rather unspecial and spoilt daughters named Rutoissmelly and Malonella. (Don't ask me how that happened, the physics and biology are mind-boggling) Now the deceased (for he had no other name) had a rather pretty little daughter named Zeldarella. Actually, her name wasn't Zeldarella it was Zelda, but for some strange reason everybody seemed to love to call her that. This was Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land after all. And actually, she wasn't rather pretty, she was what Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land's prince would call a total knockout.
Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land was ruled by a pair of bickering old sisters called Kotake and Koume, and they had but one son (Again, biology and physics are mind boggling...) named Prince Ganondorf. He was a right ugly poser and everybody in the kingdom called him Prince Charmless. Now, he was so totally repulsive and foul looking that the Queens decided that it was high time they forced some poor, wretched girl to marry him as they wanted him out of the castle and married with ugly little grandbabies to eat. Hey, they're witches. What did you expect?
Anyway, our story begins now...
Zeldarella can be seen mopping the floor... Or not.
Zelda: I refuse to participate in this! It's stupid!
A.A: Zelda, do you mind, we're kind of in the in the middle of the story...
Zelda: Well you can do it without me! I don't want to be Zeldarella.
A.A: Now don't start sulking...
Zelda: I'm NOT sulking! The only reason I agreed to do this was so that I could get a kiss from Link and now that's not going to happen because YOU made Ganondorf the prince! I QUIT!
A.A: Oi, c'mere. *Whispers in her ear*
Zelda: Ohhh...
A.A: Why else would it be called Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land?
Zelda: Well OK, but if I have to lance boils on Ruto's feet then I'm outta here.
A.A: Alright. Now where were we?
Zeldarella can be seen mopping the floor...
Zelda: Oh joy, I am mopping the floor. And I'm not getting paid for it. Whatever happened to Elfin Rights?
The doorbell rings.
Zelda: I wonder who that can be?
Opens door. Look boys and girls, it's our friend Kaepora Gaebora, and he has a letter!
Kaepora Gaebora: Owl Post!
Zelda: Um, I think you're in the wrong fic. Harry Potter is in the 'Book' section.
K.G (coz I'm too lazy to type it again): Um no. Her Omnipotence is borrowing the term for a moment. She is not claiming to own Harry Potter as...
Zelda: OK, save that for the disclaimer section.
K.G: What are you doing?
Zelda: It would appear that I'm talking to you.
K.G: Yes, but you have a mop in your hand.
Zelda: Well, I was mopping the floor. You see, I am now a servant in my own home without so much as a paid holiday or a coffee break. Where is that weirdo Hermione Granger and her House Elf Liberation Front when you need her?
K.G: Oh for the love of Mike, this isn't a Harry Potter story!
Zelda: It's not my fault Her Omnipotence is an addict...
A.A *stops humming Harry Potter theme tune and puts down Goblet of Fire*: What was that?
Zelda: Never mind.
K.G: Anyway, I have a letter for you.
Zelda: Thanks very much.
K.G: I've gotta fly, I have a date with Hedwig!
Zelda *mutters*: This is beyond ridiculous. *starts to read letter* Their Royal Majesties, Queen Kotake and Queen Koume, request the pleasure of your company at a great big sparkly ball that they are throwing for their son Prince Ganondorf... *shudders violently*
A.A: Could you do that again and not shudder?
Zelda: I'm sorry, it's just thinking about him gives me the creeps and makes me suddenly have a great desire to hurl.
A.A: He's supposed to be a mysterious and enigmatic Prince...
Zelda: And yet his subjects call him Prince Charmless...
A.A: Point taken.
Zelda: Well, I'll try and not shudder this time.
Ruto: When do I come on?
A.A: Soon.
Zelda: Their Royal Majesties, yada yada yada... Prince Ganondorf *shudders violently* Sorry, I can't do it.
A.A: Oh well. Cue Malon and Ruto!
Malon and Ruto: Oh Zeldarella!
Zelda: It begins...
Ruto: Oh pathetic one who is so much more uglier than I, who was at the door?
Malon: Now Rutoissmelly, you know that's not right. It's either 'is so much uglier' or 'is so much more ugly'.
Veran: Oi you, who was at the door?
Zelda: Owl Post.
Malon to Ruto: I didn't know this was a Harry Potter fic...
Zelda: Argh!
Veran: So, what does the letter say?
Zelda *reciting* Their Royal Majesties Queen Kotake and Queen Koume request the pleasure of your company at a great big sparkly ball that they are throwing for their son Prince Ganondorf...
Malon: Ooh he's sooo handsome!
Ruto, Zelda and Veran start to snicker. (let's count how many times I can put 'snicker' into this story...)
Malon: What? It's in the script!
Ruto: I'm sorry, somehow drooling over Ganondorf isn't quite the same as drooling over Link.
Malon, Ruto and Zelda: *sigh in a happy, daydreaming kind of way* Ohh Link.
Veran: Argh! Link! Ooh wait til I get my hands on that creepy little...
A.A: Veran, all disputes are to be settled after the play is over.
Veran: Oh alright.
A.A: Guys, could we try not to say the 'L' word when Veran and Ruto are about?
Malon: Why not when Ruto's about?
A.A: Cause she's drooling all over Zeldarella's clean floor.
Zelda: Oh crap! Do you have any idea how long I'd been cleaning that floor for?!
Veran: Right girls, let's get ready for the ball and go shopping.
Malon and Ruto: Yay!
Veran: One of you two will become Queen of Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land!
Malon and Ruto: Yay!
Veran: And Zeldarella won't be coming to the ball cause she's a big fat nobody!
Zelda: Yay! I mean, oh drat, what a pity. I am so upset that I think I am going to cry.
While Zeldarella is left mopping up Rutoissmelly's drool, the scene changes to the castle, where Ganondorf should be bitching to his mothers about the ball. But he isn't.
A.A: What's wrong now?
Link: We're on strike.
A.A: Oh for crying out loud... What's wrong now?
Link: Ganondorf refuses to wear tights.
A.A: And?
Link: I refuse to be his dogsbody.
A.A: Well, maybe if I told you this... *whispers in his ear*
Link: Ooh, interesting...
Ganondorf: I'm not wearing these tights!
A.A and Link: Get over yourself!
Ganondorf emerges wearing puffy pantaloons, a blue sparkly jacket and pink tights, as well as black shiny shoes with buckles and a cauliflower wig.
Ganondorf: How am I expected to have people quaking in fear when I'm dressed like this?
Link: You don't when you're dressed normally.
Ganondorf: Well you're hardly intimidating yourself Pixie Boy.
Link: At least I look good in tights.
Malon, Ruto and Zelda: Mmm Hmm.
A.A: Get back to your scenes!
Ganondorf: I am so not enjoying this.
Link: I dunno, it's kinda fun.
Ganondorf: I suppose I do end up having a tongue sandwich with Zelda.
Zelda *offstage*: EWW!
Link: OK, really nasty imagery here.
A.A: Tell me about it.
Link: Well you wrote it!
A.A: If you don't stop being so mean to me then I'll not let that thing that I told you about happen.
Link: OK. I'm shutting up now.
A.A: Thankyou. Ganondorf, unless you start behaving yourself in this then you will be made to dress in drag and take Veran's part.
Ganondorf: Eep!
Link: Oh Prince Ganondorf, Prince of all Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land, weren't you just complaining about your mothers to me?
Ganondorf: I was? Oh yes, I was. Do you know that having two mothers is really bad? I mean, I have no idea what to buy either of them at Mother's Day and their birthday is a nightmare...
Link: Yes, but what about the ball?
Ganondorf: The ball? What about it? I think it's a really good idea. I want a wife and what better way to get one than to have a ball with all the hunnies running around with their boobs all pushed up in those corsets, know what I'm sayin'? Heh heh heh!
Link slaps hand to forehead. Scene changes to Rutoissmelly and Malonella getting all dolled up in outfits that wouldn't look out of place in a Tarts and Vicar's Party (yes, I have watched Bridget Jones). They're little bodice/corset things like in Moulin Rouge but each have defining features: Rutoissmelly's is made of red PVC and Malonella's is white and fluffy so that she has become a Bunny Girl.
Ruto: Nobody's going to be able to resist me in this, it's pure bondage material.
Zelda: I don't see why you just don't go naked? You walk around with no clothes on half the time anyway...
Malon: Oh no, mine's much better. I have a fluffy bunny tail and these cute little ears and my fishnets are way nicer than yours.
Ruto: Don't say that word, you know it gives me nightmares!
Malon: What, FISHNETS?
Ruto: AHHHH!
Zelda: I think I'll be going downstairs now...
Veran: OK, and you can do all this washing and ironing and cooking before we get back.
Zelda: Oh lucky me.
Now the scene changes again and Zeldarella is sitting in front of the fire in her PJs, reading Cosmopolitan.
Zelda: Ice cream? Now why didn't I think of that? I should suggest some of these for the sequel to Hyrule Tournament...
A.A: Now you've spoilt the surprise! And why are you reading Cosmopolitan?
Zelda: Felicity left it here.
A.A: DON'T SAY THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE! SHE IS THE OFFSPRING OF SATAN, GANONDORF AND ANNE ROBINSON ALL PUT INTO ONE PERSON!
Zelda: Sor-ry. Man, I hope she doesn't read this after what you just put.
A.A: No chance of that happening. I'm a freak remember, nobody cares about my stories. *sniff*
Zelda: Maybe you should read this, it's got some very interesting suggestions...
A.A: I'm not sure whether or not a lemon is going to be appropriate in a story involving invading serpent warriors... I shouldn't have said that.
Zelda: Well, maybe you should just finish Hryule Tournament.
A.A: I can't find the disk. I swear Eleanor knows more than she's letting on...
Zelda: We have company.
A.A: Oh. Right, carry on.
Zelda: Oh boo hoo, I am left here all alone while my stepsisters are dancing with that studmuffin Prince Ganondorf *shudders* Don't look at me that way, I just can't do it!
Impa: Ding dong, Fairy Oddmother calling!
Zelda: But you don't look odd, Fairy Oddmother who looks just like Impa...
Impa: No? Well I'm not a Fairy, that makes it pretty odd.
Zelda: True.
Impa: Well Zeldarella, with the aid of my magic Ocarina that I stole from the Skullkid, who stole it from Link who you gave it to after he gave it to you after you gave it to him after...
Zelda: I get the picture.
Impa: How much do you want to go to the ball Zeldarella?
Zelda: About as much as I want to get my period on my wedding night.
A.A: I'll warn you with what I warned Link...
Zelda: Oh OK. I want to go to the ball more than life itself!
Impa: Well in that case, allow me to play the Song of Making Dreams Come True.
The Fair Oddmother plays what sounds remarkably like S-Club 7's 'I've Never Had A Dream Come True' and Zeldarella is transformed into a really gobsmackingly beautiful dress, just like a proper Cinderella dress with big puffy skirts and three-quarter length sleeves that have lacy bits at the end and bows and a tight corset that gives the wearer a decent cleavage. I'm sorry, I really love those big costumes.
Zelda: Oh WOW! Oh this is so COOL! And I don't have a cauliflower wig!
Impa: And if you look outside, you'll see that I have for you a carriage that I stole from Romani Ranch, six horses that I have borrowed for the night, two fat coachmen and two Kokiri kids as footmen.
Zelda: How is the carriage going to move if Rauru and Darunia are in it?
Impa: Hey, how did I transform your PJs into a beautiful dress by playing S-Club 7?
Zelda: Point taken.
Impa: Well, get going! But be back before midnight otherwise you'll be left dancing in your undies.
Zelda: I somehow doubt Ganondorf that is going to disapprove of that.
Right, now we move onto the castle, and everybody is dancing and being merry... Kotake and Koume are looking depressed as Ganondorf dances with Rutoissmelly.
Kotake: I hate fish, too many bones.
Koume: Ooh, me too, and they smell. I don't like the look of Ranch Girl either, too chickeny.
Kotake: Why can't he find a nice fat girl and have nice big fat grandbabies for us to eat?
Link is looking extremely bored as every girl is looking at him and are unable to contain their drool.
Link: *singing* One day I'll fly away...
A.A: Link, quit singing and look interested.
Link: Look, I'm bored. I am so bored. I might even start peeling back layers of my own skin so that I can stop being bored.
A.A: Ick.
Link: Where's Zelda?
A.A: You mean Zeldarella?
Link: No, I mean Zelda.
A.A: I left her with the Fairy Oddmother.
Link: This story is so weird that I am scared of you.
A.A: Be thankful that I'm not Misty Dawn, then things really would be odd with a capital O. (I'd like to say that all of Misty Dawn's humour stories have me laughing my butt off and if this fic was even close to being funny as all hers I'd die a happy anime animal. If you haven't read any of them, then do! Just do it!)
Zeldarella enters. Everybody stops and stares at her.
Zelda: Hello, I'm here!
Ganondorf: Oh wow, I have to contain myself or part of me is going to spontaneously combust and I'm sure you don't need to know which part that is...
Link: Why have you made him such a gutterminded pervert?
A.A: I thought it would be funny.
Zelda: OK, so I'm here. And it's dull and oh crap Ganondorf is walking straight towards me.
Ganondorf: Hi gorgeous. Where have you been all my life?
Zelda: For most of it I wasn't born.
All: Ooh.
Ganondorf: Y'know, heads turn when they see your face.
Zelda: And stomachs turn when they see yours.
All: Ahh.
Ganondorf: I haven't been able to take my eyes off you.
Zelda: I know, I just found your eyeballs in my cleavage.
Link: Zelda 3, Ganondorf 0.
Ganondorf: You knock me dead with your looks.
Zelda: You knock me dead with your breath.
Kotake and Koume: Ouch.
Ganondorf: I want to give myself to you.
Zelda: I'm sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Ganondorf: OK, I can see I'm going to have to call in the heavy artillery.
Zelda: Bring it on.
Ganondorf: Fancy a quick one?
Zelda: What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
Link *snickers*: Buzz off creep!
Ganondorf: How about you and me get together sometime?
Zelda: I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Link walks up to her as she walks away from Prince Charmless. They pause and look at each other. Violins strike up. The clock strikes twelve and as she is running away, Zeldarella's glass slipper falls off her foot. Ganondorf runs up to the shoe and sniffs it.
Link: You need help.
Malon: Undoubtedly.
Ganondorf: Ah my little snookums who I am in passionate and unrequited love with, where have you gone?
Kotake and Koume: Ganondorf, just try the Goddam shoe on every girl in this room and find a wife so we can eat our grandbabies.
Ganondorf: And so I shall!
Link: I'll go look for her...
He runs away very quickly. Everybody tries on the shoe.
Ganondorf: Ew, you have webbed feet!
Ruto: I'm a Zora for crying out loud! I'm an amphibian!
Ganondorf: Ew, you have ginger hair!
Malon: Speak for yourself!
Ganondorf: Ew, you have the feet of a woman who overcomes the bodies of helpless Oracles and Queens!
Veran: You can tell that just by looking at my feet?
It's now six o'clock in the morning. Everybody is shattered. Ganondorf is double-checking everybody's feet.
Ganondorf: Wait a minute, where's Link gone?
Malon and Ruto start drooling at the use of the 'L' word and Veran looks like she's going to explode.
Ruto: We must find him!
Malon: Yes, our future happiness is at stake here!
Ruto: Then let us quest until we find our beloved!
Malon: Agreed!
They set off in search of their one true love with Ganondorf looking for his. They walk past a big velvet curtain and it suddenly starts to giggle.
Ganondorf: Sweetie pie!
Malon and Ruto: Link!
Ganondorf: Let me draw back the curtain and set my eyes upon my beautiful snookums!
Malon and Ruto: Oh sweet mother of pearl!
Link and Zeldarella are making out behind the curtain.
Zelda: Do you mind?
Link: Kind of busy right about now guys...
Ganondorf: Snookums! Nooo!
Ruto and Malon: Linky-winky! Nooo!
Ganondorf: But why? Why would you want him?
Zelda: Because he's hot.
Link: The feeling is more than mutual.
Ganondorf: But I'm a Prince!
At that moment, who should appear boys and girls but our old friend Kaepora Gaebora!
K.G: Zeldarella, I have great news!
Zelda and Link: What?
K.G: You are actually a Princess, who has a highly successful videogame series named after her and it looks like you are now the Queen of Hyrule as your father was sat upon by King Zora!
All: Gasp!
Zelda: Well, I guess that settles it. I'm a Princess so I don't need to marry you Ganondorf! I'll marry Link and live happily ever after!
Link: Hooray!
Malon, Ruto and Ganondorf: NOOOOOOOOO!
THE END
A.A: Well now, aren't you glad that you weren't the Prince?
Link: Very.
A.A: And aren't you glad that you were Zeldarella?
Zelda: Very.
A.A: So what are you going to do now?
Zelda: We're going to go and try out some of the new things I learnt reading She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's Cosmopolitan.
Link: Because I've been a very bad boy.
A.A: Oh Lord. I had better not tell them that I might do another When Fairytales Go Wrong story if I get enough reviews asking for it...
All: WHAT?!