disclaimer: FF13 trilogy&characters © SQUARE ENIX
warning: LRFF13 end spoilers.

love

In your life, you probably lack one thing. It's painful; you see how everyone has this one thing, but you're just left standing there, waiting for that one thing to come to you.

But it doesn't.

So you search.

.
.

You say to yourself: maybe it's her.

But you know you're wrong. Like, come on—

.
.

You see her fall, so you run.

"Vanille!" you call to her.

You run to her and you pick her up.

(The first time touching her)

You have the urge to hold her but then you see Fang coming.

"Vanille!" she yells.

… so you let go.

.
.

You reject apotheosis, yet you take on the role of a death god.

What is wrong with you?

You become a death god, you accept your fate, but you are afraid to get left behind.

What is wrong with you?

Do you think yourself a hero? That just because you have no one waiting for you, you can just throw your life away?

And yet, "Please don't leave me…" you cry, pathetically.

What is wrong with you?

Your indecisiveness seeks the alternative; you choose to destroy the universe of the gods, and then you create one without them—hoping that you, humans, can finally find salvation.

… hoping that she can find salvation.

And she does—they all do—just… not yourself.

.
.

So you travel the world to find your share of salvation.

You continue your search for that one thing.

.
.

You board a train that takes you far, far away from Serah and Snow. They beg you to stay, but you insist; because your stay would just hinder them. They already have each other.

Why would they need you?

Who would need you?

…

You don't know, but you hope that whoever it is, exists.

.
.

"Lightning!"

The happiness in that voice jingles in your ears. You spin around and flash of orange throws itself onto you, latching onto your neck and you can't see who it is because she's holding onto you so tightly.

But you know.

You drop your luggage.

You wrap your arms around her.

(The second time touching her)

"Vanille…!"

She smiles. "Yes! Yes, it's me! Oh my goodness! How long has it been?"

You pull back slightly—only to turn red when you realize that you are so close to her. She asks you questions before you can even respond,

"Are you travelling alone?"

alone

… the word stings you like poison.

You try to answer,

"Yeah,"

That's actually all you wanted to say, but then the voice inside you speaks up,

"Who would want to travel with me anymore, after all that's happened?"

It is just a second—but her expression flashes something that resembles sympathy. She resumes smiling at you nonetheless.

And you just want her to hug you again.

.
.

"Y'know, Light," the woman speaks loudly through all the voices in the bar, "You literally are the creator of this world?"

You place your drink down and smirk. "Then would that make you, Fang, my servant? You did help me out."

The raven-haired woman chuckles.

"So,"

You shift your eyes at her.

"What now? How long are you going to travel for?"

You avert your gaze, and easily caught sight of a girl with bright, red hair, approaching with more drinks in hand.

"I don't know,"

She sits beside Fang—smiles at her first before turning to you. "Hey, what are you guys talking about?"

"Nothing about you," Fang teases.

She pouts.

And you just smile.

"I don't know."

.
.

"Sorry for dragging you into this, Lightning…" she places the grocery bags onto the ground and brushes the water off her bare arms.

You do the same, except you worry more about your hair. "It's the least I can do. I am living at your place for free."

Vanille giggles.

The sound makes your heart jump.

"You're surprisingly polite and humble. It's very unlike how you used to be!"

Flustered, you look away.

You two are standing under a bus stop—hiding from the sudden downpour.

Then something comes in contact with you. You turn to it, and she is dabbing a handkerchief on your cheek.

(The third time touching her)

"You know what, Lightning? You're actually really pretty!" Vanille remarks gingerly.

You forget how to breathe.

.
.

Why are you even staying here?

You suffer at night.

The sounds they make together in the next room, it makes you cry.

Your tears stain the pillow.

So, you cover your ears. That's what you're best at.

Pretending.

.
.

But then there is a limit to everything.

One day, you finally snap.

"… Vanille."

"Hmm?"

She greets you with a smile, but you are expressionless. You get straight to the point, "Do you think I'll ever find someone who will love me back?"

Vanille sulks. "Lightning, you're saying it as if you've never experienced love!"

You look at her and try your best to smile.

And she understands in an instant. She runs to you and hugs you.

(Fourth time touching her)

"You'll find it," she soothes.

Close your eyes, because you want to believe.

"… you'll find love."

.
.

No.

Don't do it.

Those two have dragged you to a party, hoping that you'd find what you're looking for. Ironically though, they're the ones who get drunk. Took some effort, but you manage to get both home safely.

(Fifth time touching her)

Don't do it.

You've set her down on the bed, and now you're on top of her, unwilling to look away.

She is conscious, but very much inebriated.

Don't do it.

"Lightning…" she whispers.

Only she can make you feel like this, you realize. So vulnerable, weak, and not alone—all at once. You lean into her.

Vanille snakes her fingers to the back of your head pulling you close.

Just slightly, your lips touch.

"…"

But that was all you needed.

"Vanille…" you whisper, "… I've found it long ago."

The girl looks at you sadly.

You smile at her. "But I don't think it'll ever find me."

And then you walk away.

.
.

"Light… are you really leaving?"

You stop and put your luggage onto the ground.

"Yeah." You reach a hand out to her, "Thanks for everything."

She takes it and holds on more loosely than you'd imagined—it's like she doesn't want to hold on.

Then you turn to Vanille. You do the same thing, reaching a hand out, but instead of taking it, she throws her arms around your neck.

(You no longer count)

The suddenness pushes you a few steps back, but you maintain balance.

"Vanille…?"

She holds on tightly, and you look at Fang.

The taller woman shrugs, clueless.

You hold onto her shoulders, feeling that it is necessary to push her away, but then she speaks up,

"It has found you, Lightning."

Her statement stuns you.

Vanille looks at you. "In fact, everything has."

Your body loosens as she smiles tenderly.

"But you just move too fast—they can never catch up."

You breathe out with amusement. "Should I slow down?"

Vanille shakes her head, and you can only focus on her smile. "If you do, then you aren't Lightning, and if you aren't Lightning, then there's no reason for it to chase after you."

You take a few brief moments to take her words in, and then you nod. You pick up your luggage and step into the train—a train that takes you far, far away.

The train whistles, but before it departs, you turn to her one last time.

"I won't slow down, but I will wait."

Her smile widens.

And you have it—that one thing.

You had it all along, you just didn't know.

.
.

a/n: I don't really know what I'm doing. I just feel LR's ending is so unsatisfying that I MUST add some closure (that involves Vanille). Interpret this however you like, but if you are still confused like crazy, I can always respond to your reviews :3

(LRFF13 is by no means a bad game, though. I quite enjoyed it.)