"Not Holding Back"
by: Setsuna-X

Summary: Tired of pretending, Kira decides to let everything out.
Pairing: Sakuya Kira x Setsuna Mudo
'Warning': boy x boy (BL, Shonen-ai, yaoi, slash, etc.)
Disclaimer: Angel Sanctuary and its characters do not belong to me.
A/N: I just decided that I wanted to write a soft Kira x Setsuna fic.

Chapter 1 - The Realization

"Do you love Setsuna?" asked the little ghost of Sakuya. Kira just stared at the broken glass in his hand, a bitter smile brushed onto his face.

"I do," he answered, his deep voice sounding low and dull to his ears. Ghost-Sakuya just let out a knowing grin and faded from the glass. Kira just stared down where Sakuya had been a stale, sad smile still on his face.

He knew he loved Setsuna. He hadn't realized how protecting the guy had evolved into a genuine friendship and from there into affection and love, and not in the brotherly fashion either. Kira let out a deep sigh, letting the glass that hovered over his wrist slip from his hands onto the carpeted floor.

A sudden urge to see Setsuna struck him. To hear his voice and ruffle his hair or even sling an arm around his shoulder; anything, just as long as he was able to be near him.

It was an odd feeling. There was always the tension between him and any of Alexiel's incarnations of a love-hate relationship. But this was a different feeling; one that he had wanted to go away, but the more he pulled back the more Setsuna's natural charm was able to snap him right where he began. For now, however, he knew that the one he wanted was Setsuna, not Alexiel.

Plan mentally set, Kira pulled on a black jacket over his white wife-beater, slipping into his shoes on his way out of the house. Normally he would call Setsuna out and they would hang out in a club or at the park at night, but this time he'd rather spend the night in.

On his way to Setsuna's place, Kira bought a 6-pack of beer and a new pack of cigarettes. Finally making it outside of Setsuna's home made him feel at ease and anxious at the same time. Kira buzzed the doorbell to the apartment Setsuna occupied, waiting patiently as he could to hear the other teen's voice. After waiting for a while and no response was forthcoming Kira could feel the lazy grin on his face fade, a mixture of anger and sadness filled him. He buzzed the doorbell once more, hoping against odds that Setsuna was inside.

"Kira?" questioned a sleepy voice from the video intercom. "What are you doing here?" questioned Setsuna, wiping the sleep out of his eyes.

To Kira, Setsuna's voice pierced the silent night, sounding more mesmerizing than it should have.

"Decided to come over and party," replied Kira, holding up the beer pack so Setsuna could get a good view of it. "Your old man isn't home, is he?" he asked belatedly.

"No," responded Setsuna, grinning. Kira could hear a different buzz that gained him entrance into the apartment complex. Kira made his way up three staircases before making it to Setsuna's apartment, the door being held open and Setsuna draped over the entrance. Kira ruffled that soft hair then proceeded to take off his shoes, leaving them at the entrance.

The hallway was as dark as the rest of the apartment as far as he could see. Setsuna locked the door and lead the way to his room in silence, Kira carrying the beer. In the room the bed was unmade, leading Kira to believe that Setsuna had rushed to the intercom. Clothes, clean and dirty, littered the floor randomly, making it look messier that it really was, while stacks of CDs toppled one another near a stereo system.

"So, what's up?" easily asked Setsuna as he sat on the floor, leaning against his bed. Kira slipped off his jacket and let it fall somewhere on the floor. He handed the 6-pack to Setsuna, watching the light-haired teen open up a can.

Sliding into place next to Setsuna, Kira answered. "Nothing. Just needed to get out the house and figured you could use some company," the black-haired teen grinned.

Setsuna rolled his eyes. "Uh-huh, sure. Like I needed your company, Kira," Setsuna said, taking on a playful, sarcastic tone. "Seriously though, got anything on your mind?"

Kira was surprised at how easily he almost said 'you' before he caught himself. Taking a can from the now 5-pack, Kira opened the can and took a long swallow. "Not really, like I said, just needed to get out of the house." Setsuna nodded.

"Yeah, I know what that's like. I'm glad that dad is never home. Did you want to go somewhere?"

Kira looked away from Setsuna, hesitating. It was harder than he thought it would have been to sit next to the flaxen-haired teen and not want to be closer to him. Instead Kira focused his dark eyes onto the wall ahead of him, taking another sip from his beer. "Naw, let's just stay here and relax. Last thing we need is more shitty drama we'd probably find out in the streets."

Setsuna let out a small, depreciating chuckle. "Yeah, guess you're right," and he took a sip out of his own aluminum can as well. "So, you wanna just sit in the dark like this? Just us?" Kira, unable to reign in his action, turned suddenly to look back at Setsuna. He could see a teasing grin spreading across that fair-skinned face. "Kinda cozy, ain't it?" the younger teen sniggered as he leaned his head against Kira's shoulder.

"Yeah….cozy…" responded Kira, but his mind seemed far away. He could not believe this was happening. Did this mean that Setsuna also… he didn't dare complete that thought. There was no way that Setsuna could ever feel the same way as he. Sara was the only person in the world who Setsuna would ever love. No matter who got in his way, no matter if Sara rejected him a million times, no matter how many filthy names he was called or how often his mother would beat him for it, Setsuna would always love Sara. Kira didn't notice before just how envious he was of that. If only Sara knew how deep Setsuna's love for her ran, then that would be something else he would have to get over.

Kira slipped his arm around Setsuna's shoulders, holding the smaller body tightly against his shoulder. Even if Setsuna loved Sara, that wouldn't stop the feelings he had for the light-eyed boy. It was strange, this feeling. Decades of chasing and protecting and looking over all of Alexiel's incarnations all paled in comparison to this one. He doubted Setsuna knew the whole truth about himself and about him. It was better that way. Kira wasn't sure if he would be able to handle a full rejection if Setsuna knew everything.

"Kira?" a small voice by his ear began. Kira just hummed, letting Setsuna know that he was listening, even if his mind felt like it was being ripped apart like a whirlwind. How could he have just come here without even thinking about the fact that Setsuna loved Sara!?

"Are you sure everything is okay, man? I mean, no matter how sappy this shit is gonna sound, I just want to let you know that I'm here for you, okay?" finished off Setsuna as he lifted his head up from Kira's shoulder and looked into the older teen's face.

"Alright, you got me," confessed Kira as he sighed dramatically. He might as well let the other teen know what he was feeling, but just withhold the 'who' part of that confession. Maybe Setsuna would finally give it a rest. Setsuna looked at him silently and expediently. "There's someone I really care about, but I'm pretty sure they don't feel the same way. There, I said it," sighed out Kira.

Setsuna just looked at his friend as if had grown an extra head. Did Kira, his Kira-senpai, just confess to loving someone romantically?! The idea itself boggled the mind. Kira---in love? But with who? And why wouldn't the person love him back? Kira is a great guy!

"How do you know they don't feel the same way? And who is this person anyway? Have I met her?" Setsuna asked in rapid succession. Kira just blinked at him before letting out a sad grin.

"I'm sure they don't feel the same way. I'm positive they're in love with someone else. And do you really think I was going to tell you who this person is? Ha!" Kira answered, holding back a sneer. He was suddenly angry. Not at Setsuna, but at himself for even coming over. This was a giant mistake. Normally he wouldn't give shit like this a second thought and would be able to tell the person that he wanted them, but this was completely different. Much more was at stake in this conversation and he didn't like the odds that were stacked against him. It was unfair really, coming here and expecting something. But there was nothing else he could do with what he had been feeling.

That had to be the crux of the matter. He was feeling. For as long as he had existed Kira hadn't really felt many human emotions at all, and if he had they were fleeting and shallow. Yet, things were different now. The only difference with the situation that he could discern is that Alexiel's incarnation was Setsuna. Somehow this male teenager had been able to capture him in a more profound sense. It was a frightening feeling, and a warm one, but he still expected more pain then pleasure from this revelation.

"Oh, come on! How can you know for sure unless you ask them straight out?" asked Setsuna in an outright fashion staring directly into Kira's eyes. The raven-haired teen let out a deep sigh.

"I just know alright. It's fairly obvious and it's the one thing this person keeps going back too. Nothing - nothing is going to change that," finished off Kira bitterly. It made it all more real when said aloud. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything at all; at least that way he could still delude himself into thinking that he might have a chance. "Anyway, I told you my problem so let's just drop it and get as smashed as we can on a mere 6-pack."

"You know we aren't going to even get a decent buzz going with this amount," chuckled Setsuna. Kira let out a small chuckle as well to that comment.

"Seriously. I should have bought out that whole liquor store before coming here." 'I didn't actually think I'd need it though…' trailed off Kira's thoughts.

"Well, if you need to get a little more wasted then you're in luck. My old man has a few bottles of stuff lying around. I'm sure he won't notice if we crack open a few," Setsuna said as he sharply grinned at Kira.

Kira let his eyes roll. "Probably not a good idea. Besides, I really don't feel like getting completely smashed. Just need a buzz or something to make part of it go away."

Setsuna took another swig of the beer then placed the can on the floor. He swallowed sharply and leaned in closer to Kira. Kira, unwilling to let the moment pass, tightened his hold once more as he gently pulled Setsuna closer.

"You wanna go to sleep?" asked Setsuna. Kira had forgotten that he had most likely awoken the other teen earlier.

"You sleepy?"

"Hmm… not really. Just thought that the day might have seemed too long for you."

"I'm good," responded Kira. He looked at the silver, aluminum can with some distaste, but ended up chugging the thing anyway. Setsuna looked over at him with wide eyes.

"You alright there?" he asked, concerned. He had never seen Kira act like this. Was the person he was into really that special? Setsuna could see the worry lines on Kira's forehead and the frown he was sporting on his face was very obvious at what he was feeling. This wasn't the Kira he knew, and it left a strange feeling in his chest.

"Yeah. Hand me another beer, would you?" Setsuna frowned but did as asked anyway. Setsuna opened the can and handed it over. Kira looked into its liquid darkness, let out a small shrug and began drinking again. 'This really wasn't what I had in mind when I came over here,' he thought to himself.

TBC