FEAR! What is fear?
Being scared of spiders, snakes, heights or people. No one truly understands fear until they are confronted by their own mortality. I was in that situation now. And boy was I scared. I always laughed when they screamed like girls at the sight of an insect or mouse. Always bragged that I had no fear. Well…did I not learn?
My life had been brief and very full. I had experienced more that most my age and a lot that others never had. I had loved and lost, given away things that I would never be able to get back. Been to hell and back but never thought that the day I died would make me this scared. I had always said that I was never afraid of death or dying, but when the crunch came – I wanted to run screaming like a girl!!!! Most of the time I lived with this indestructible feeling and that no challenge was to great and boredom was my way of saying that I'd had enough of a particular thing or person. I was a butterfly – floating from one thing to another, never settling long enough to actually justify the flight.
I had always had an idea of how I would die and it never frightened me. Until now.
They say your life flashes before your eyes the last few moments, but that's not true. I was aware, more aware than any other time in my life as to what was going on around me and more importantly to me. Maybe if I closed my eyes for a few seconds, like a scared child, it would make the bad things disappear…
When I opened my eyes I was walking through a forest, with the most beautiful light filtering through a canopy of green over head. As I looked around I noticed that I could hear every sound ten times more clearly and identify each one, the song bird, the rustling of the leaves in the breeze which I could not feel but could smell and the roll of waves. As I walked I saw things more clearly and remembered the lessons of life that I had learnt. I remembered that people that had touched my life and whose lives I had touched in return.
As the path meandered up I came to cliff and the view to say the least was breath taking – I could see for miles and miles – Heaven? I saw the gold beach below me and the sparkling ocean ahead, and a lone figure sitting with their back to me on an enormous black rock. As I found the path down I was assaulted with the smell of the ocean, as I remembered it from my childhood – salt and sand.
When I got closer I could see the person was a man. I felt at peace as I climbed up and sat next him. He turned and smiled at me.
"It's not your time yet, butterfly" he said in the voice which I longed to hear for so many months.
"Why not?" I asked with a crack in my voice
"You need to learn a few more things and I need to show you why you need to go back!" was the answer he gave me.
We sat for what seemed like hours; with the sun was setting over the ocean. In complete silence he told me more than he had said to me in my few years.
As I looked at the beach beside me, I saw my husband and a child laughing and throwing a ball on the beach, I didn't have any children yet, we had been trying. The picture changed to the day of a wedding – such beauty had I never seen. Another flash was me holding my first grandchild. I closed my eyes and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
"I'm dead, I can't have that!" I cried.
He put his arm around me and held me for a while.
"You can and will, but you need to go back!"
"NO, I want to stay with you; I've missed you so much!"
"I know, I've missed you all so much but my time was up." He answered. "Remember that I lived many lives in a my one life and you guys were my greatest pride and joy, not matter how cross you made me or what you got up to. I had that and now it's your turn."
I closed my eyes again and when I opened them we were standing on the beach with the water lapping against our ankles. I looked up at him and put my hand in his and stood as the sunset over the ocean in a spectacular ray of oranges and pinks.
"You always had such a stubborn streak. Let me go and go back to your family and when the time is right I will be waiting for you again, but this time, to take you with me. I choose her especially for you and now you want to throw it away because of me. Don't. You will always be my little girl!" he said. My stomach clinched with fear and I was scared again, here I didn't hurt and everything was okay. I didn't want to go back and be in pain and heartache again.
I closed my eyes as the sun shot a ray of light over the ocean. When I opened them I heard the sounds of the monitors in the ER.
"She's back!" someone said. I could hear what sounded like the thrumming of a drum.
"The baby's fine as well, a healthy little heartbeat." Baby? But I wasn't pregnant, was I?
"A strong little one at that, to survive that, they have to be" someone else said. Survive what?
What was going on? All I wanted to do was close my eyes and be on the beach again.
I now understood fear, in all its glory and mayhem. I had to make a choice and I had. One day, when the time was right I would tell my child of my experience and hope that they take the lesson and use it well. Don't give up to easily or you will regret your decision. You may be giving up to much for little in return.