I do not own Doctor Who, Secret Diary of A Call Girl, Day and Night, or Girlfriend.
"Rose! Clara! Jack! Come see this!" Yelled the Doctor. He was jumping up and down in excitement.
"What, Doctor?" His old 2 old companion (one of who was his girlfriend) and his new-er companion asked, appearing from a side door.
"This is the best thing since we got Rose out of the parallel universe!" He said, his bow tie flapping up and down as he jumped. "Actually, it's part of that, like a brilliant part of a brilliant end of a terrible event! The brilliant silver lining in a really bad, really big cloud! The jam in a Jammie Dodger, because it hurts me to say it, the biscuit isn't as good as the jam!"
"What is it!?" Clara and Jack asked/shouted. Rose, realising what he was talking about, groaned. Clara turned to her "you know?"
"Well, I think so, see, in a parallel universe, killing Cybermen for the government doesn't pay. At all. I needed an excuse to travel the world without causing mass panic. And I had one or two other talents that I used to do that... Is that what you're talking about?"
The Doctor just nodded eagerly, still jumping. Then he missed his landing and fell. The three companions laughed. Rose helped him up, not seeing Clara walking over to the scanner. Her eyes went wide. "Oh. My. God! Rose, what are you wearing?"
"I- I can explain."
Then Clara pressed a button on the console and the sound came on.
I know it might sound strange Do you have a girlfriend?
But I pictured us alone
And you're kissing me in ways I can't tell
(No)
If my thoughts of you are true
Then I wanna get with you
So I'll step in while I'm given the chance
(Yeah)
(Do you have a girlfriend?)
You're looking real cool
(You're looking real cool)
Can I have you're number?
(Can I have you're number?)
You don't have a thing to lose
Rose leant over and switched the scanner off, her face red from embarrassment. Jack and Clara were both staring at her. Then Clara spoke "wow. That was interesting. You're a good singer, Rose." If it was possible, Rose went an even deeper shade of red. "I needed the money, since not-quite-my-dad's company went bust."
Jack was staring at the now blank scanner in shock. Then he snapped back to attention. "So, Rose," he grinned.
"Don't start." She warned. She let go of the Doctor, and he walked over to his chair, watching the comedy unfold.
"What else did you do while you were in the parallel universe?" Jack continued, an innocent look on his face.
"A few other songs, a couple albums, Y'know? Some acting... A few lead roles... Stuff like that." He face, which had gone back to normal by now, went red again.
"Acting?" Clara asked. "What roles did you get?"
"Quite a lot. I played Hero in a BBC version of Much Ado About Nothing,"
"Awesome." Clara nodded.
"I was in Mansfield Park as Fanny Price..."
"I'm saying nothing," Jack held his hands up in mock surrender.
"And I starred in... Secret Diary of A Call Girl." She muttered.
"I'm sorry, what?" Jack smirked.
"SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL, OKAY!" She yelled. "I played the... Call girl."
Clara and Jack started laughing. "What was your character's name?" Clara asked.
"Belle."
The Doctor looked annoyed. Seeing this, Rose went to do some damage control. "Look, don't freak out, I wasn't actually having sex with the people. The most I did was rub myself against someone. While in lingerie. It meant nothing, although I did have to talk in euphemisms a lot. And pretend to have threesomes. And I wasn't fully clothed most of the time. And I said sex a lot. I'm not helping myself here, am I?"
"Nope." All three said in unison.
She looked at the guy next to her. "Is there any way I can make this better?"
"Yes." She gulped at his smile. "Sing me a song."
She blinked. "What?"
"Sing me a song. And the dance that goes with it." She bit her lip until a small smile came onto her face.
"Get me some washing powder."
He came back less than a minute later. "Here you go." She set it down on the table. Then she started singing.
All of the day, all of the night
You do the things that make me feel so right
My shining star, my guiding light (my shining light)
And that's the day and night, babe
I just ain't the same when you're away
You are my inspiration
I'm hanging on to every word you say
'cos you are my motivation
You make me feel so right
Every day and night
'cos the only time I think of you
Is every day and all night through
Whenever I breathe you're on my mind
Every day and night, babe
All of the day, all of the night
You do the things that make me feel so right
My shining star, my guiding light(my shining light)
And that's the day and night, babe
I need you tonight, but you're not around
I need to hear your voice, baby
Something feels strange, there's not a single sound
I wish you were at my door, babe
You make me feel so right
Every day and night
'cos the only time I think of you
Is every day and all night through
Whenever I breathe you're on my mind
Every day and every night, babe
All of the day, all of the night
You do the things that make me feel so right
My shining star, my guiding light(my shining light)
And that's the day and night, babe
Gotta let me know, oh, yeah
When you're comin' home (when you're coming home)
You know you make me feel so right
Every day and night
All of the day, all of the night
You do the things that make me feel so right
My shining star, my guiding light (my shining light)
Day and night, babe
'cos the only time I think of you
Is every day and all night through
Whenever I breathe you're on my mind
Every day and night, babe
All of the day, all of the night
You do the things that make me feel so right
My shining star, my guiding light (my shining light)
And that's the day and night, babe
She finished the song with a pose. Then she heard Clara and Jack laughing behind her. New voices were coming out of the speaker
"Fuck me. Fuck me hard." That was her voice.
"You dirty, dirty, dirty goat! Tell me you're a dirty goat." Said the man's voice.
"I'm so dirty. I'm a goat." Her again.
"Say you're a cock hungry chicken." Jack and Clara were in full out hysterics.
"I'm a cock hungry chicken!" The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her.
"Say you're a dirty ewe!"
"I'm a ewe, you, you what?" That was enough. She reached across to turn off the scanner, but Jack batted her hand away.
"Female sheep. Bleat like a sheep!"
"Baaaa! Baaaa!" Rose reached across and switched the scanner off.
"That's enough of that, thank you." She said.
Then the questions started.
"How big was that guy?"
"Was there real money in that envelope?"
"What's Sploshing?"
Rose blushed, but answered anyway, "I don't know. No, it was monopoly money. And it depends what you use. We used various foods and it turned into a massive food fight."
"Okay..." No one really knew what to say after that. They all dispersed eventually.
THAT NIGHT
Clara was lying in bed with her pillow over her head, silently screaming. Cursing her luck. Why did she have to get the room next to the Doctor and Rose? She heard a banging on the wall, and then groaning. She hit the wall, too. "Shut up!" She screamed. No one heard.
THE NEXT MORNING
"Morning, did you sleep well?" Captain Jack asked as he walked into the kitchen.
"Fuck off." Clara groaned, her head resting on her arms.
"Clara, language!" The Doctor chastised, walking into the kitchen with Rose, her head on his shoulder.
"We slept very well, thanks," Rose replied.
"Surprised you got any sleep, considering what I heard last night." Clara muttered.
Rose blushed.
"I know, right! It was so much fun! We-" The Doctor said, suddenly animated.
"Doctor" Rose cut in, her voice calm and carefully measured.
"And let me tell you something-" He continued, regardless.
"Doctor!" Her voice was deadly, now.
"Learnt some things-"
"DOCTOR!"
"What?" He asked, bewildered.
Rose walked out, her face burning. The Doctor followed, leaving Clara and Jack laughing behind them.