Emily Fields
777 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, PA
19147
Tel: (267)954-8712
Desire of the Soul
By:
Emily Fields
"I'm really drunk," Paige McCullers slurred.
A loud chuckle erupted from her partner as she stumbled to find her keys. "No shit."
The boisterous pair of teenagers had enjoyed a night of limitless drinks at a birthday party they had attended. At first, the night had seemed like a waste. Hanna Marin had thrown her boyfriend, Caleb, a surprise birthday party at another friend's lake-house. It was apparent that Hanna was out to win the badge of honor: "Best Girlfriend of the Century." As of late, the tall blonde was going over and beyond the call of duty as Girlfriend and it was sweet to see her trying. Having Caleb's presence around all the time had made things rather awkward the wholesome foursome: Spencer Hastings, Hanna Marin, Aria Montgomery and of course Emily Fields, or at least that's they were called at by their classmates.
As entertaining as her friends had been, Emily could only be enclosed with intoxicated raving kids for so long. And she had without a doubt reached her limit. She had struck up a conversation with a fellow Rosewood High School swimmer. Not just any swimmer was her acquaintance, but she was the one swimmer that was within a hairs length of taking Emily's anchor position on the team. After a few drinks and small talks nothing mattered to either of them. The competition they were nearly always involved in ceased for an evening.
The duo stumbled inside Hanna's home, helplessly fumbling for the light switch. Emily had been staying with her best friend for quite some time since her parents had moved to Texas. Her mother wanted to be closer to her father, who was in the military stationed at Fort Hood, and who was she to stop her from doing so. Hanna couldn't have been nicer about offering her a place to stay.
The tall brunette knew that Ashley, Hanna's mother, was out with Officer Wilden, and probably into the next morning. She had the place to herself. So there was no need to sensor themselves or even hide their drunken state. Not until morning.
"Do you want something else to drink?" Emily asked half jokingly.
The drunk, auburn-haired girl shook her head profusely. Her features were softer than the other girl was accustomed to seeing. A particular playfulness and tranquility was written on her face.
Paige scrunched up her face in disgust, because there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that she was drinking anymore. The thought of another drink was nearly enough to bring on sobriety prematurely.
The brunette led them to her room and mentally kicked herself. She'd forgotten to ask Hanna if it was even okay if the other girl slept over, but she managed to hide her miniscule anxieties. She was put at ease as she noticed her friend merrily stared around the room in amusement.
"No N'Sync or Backstreet boys?" Paige pondered aloud as she glanced around to see wall to wall posters of Destiny's Child, Britney Spears and TLC.
Emily blushed as she looked around, noting that there really weren't any of the boy bands or rappers that were popular hanging on her side of the room. "Guess not," Her best friend however had posters overlapping with hot boy-bands and guys with their abs showing. It had never dawned on her until that moment that she hadn't been fascinated with the same things as her friends.
Paige raised a questioning eyebrow as she noticed the other girl become apprehensive. Instead of letting her curiosity do the talking for once, she chuckled, "I never really saw the big deal with either of them really. I mean seriously who does that little curly sue think he is anyway? He squeals like someone is grabbing his junk."
"You mean Justin Timberlake?" Emily inquired, with a small laugh. "I don't know about all that but don't ever let Hanna hear you say that."
Paige clearly wasn't too bothered by any threat of Hanna, because her mind was elsewhere within seconds. "Do you have any..." Paige nibbled at her lip nervously, "umm... any weed?"
The question stunned the brunette and she couldn't conceal her shock. Paige the ultimate do-gooder, she even made Spencer Hastings look like a wild child in comparison- now stood before her asking for something that was so frowned upon, especially amongst the swimmers. There was a certain morality amongst the Sharks that made this sort of thing unthinkable, yet here she had crossed the murky water in asking.
"Maybe."
Paige's eyes opened wide in both shock and delight. "Cool."
Half an hour later the girls were laughing hysterically at everything and nothing at the same time. What inhibitions remained amongst the two had dissipated as soon as the first couple of hits were taken. Emily loved this side of the other girl. She was no longer trying to get the highest grades, the best swim times or being the best baker in home economics. She was now telling jokes. Jokes with punchlines not involving that of physics or calculus. The girl was telling actual funny jokes and stories. She was being the most genuine and open Emily had ever seen and it made her want to hear more with every word.
Paige had told stories of when she was a child, when things weren't so black and white for her. A time where it appeared she had been much happier. Though it was a long time ago, Emily couldn't help smiling and giggling like a school girl at the image of young Paige McCullers eating mud pies or cutting her cousins hair until the point there was nothing to do but shave the remainder of it.
"My cousin and I used to be a riot together," Paige smiled.
Emily smiled at the thought of little Paige getting into trouble, "I can't really see that."
Paige frowned playfully, "Well you better believe it. I used to try to set my cousin's fish free."
"Free?"
"Yeah, every time he'd come home from the fair with one of his girlfriends he'd have some new Goldfish when he returned home each night. So every day while he was at school I was on a mission to return them to their natural habitat."
A snort arose from the brunette, "So I assume you flushed them down the toilet to set them free into the ocean?" Paige nodded giddily at her friend. "You do know that the toilet doesn't run to the ocean right?"
"I know that now but back then I thought they'd have a better chance of meeting Ariel and Sebastian than me if I set them free," Paige pouted.
Laughter filled the room.
Emily rolled on her side to have a better look at the other girl. Ms. Uptight was now lying on her bed with a glimmer in her eyes and a smile reaching her ears, yet most would never believe her if she told them. Paige's smiled faltered and she stared at her friend incredulously, as if becoming self conscious at the intense gaze she had been receiving. Emily had been defeated in her struggle to conceal the thoughts that resounded loudly in her head. She had known the girl was attractive, she had even thought she was beautiful, but before her was someone that grown far prettier than anyone she'd ever seen. The brunette didn't know if it was because of the influence of marijuana or booze, but whatever was making the girl so happy she wish it would go on forever.
"What?" Paige apprehensively asked.
Emily shook her head, "Nothing."
Paige bit her lip nervously, "No what."
"Nothing I just..." Emily squirmed as she searched for the right words, "I just... well..." She exhaled deeply in frustration. There was no possible way to describe how she was feeling. No longer did she attempt to formulate any words. Instead she leaned forward and place a small kiss on the auburn-haired girl's lips. She didn't know what had motivated her to do so, she didn't have time to think through her actions because the other girl pulled away as if she was on fire.
"Whoa! Fields, what are you doing?"
Emily pulled back from her haze and realized what she'd done. There was no turning back.
"I'm sorry... I just..." the brunette tried to make sense of the situation. "I don't know... you were talking and I..." Ashamed she looked down at her hands seeking comfort in them. "You just looked so beautiful..."
All the ice began to melt from the other girl's face once again. "I did?" Now it was Paige's turn to be at a loss for words. Never had anyone made her feel so warm and if she didn't know any better, desired.
"You always do."
As if the last 60 seconds hadn't occurred, Paige leaned forward and placed a kiss on the smaller girl's lips. It was timid and definitely the shortest kiss Emily had ever received, but she felt her lips begin to tingle. One kiss became two, than three as their tongues became tangled in one another. Each kiss became more heated than the last until Emily was fully covering a shivering Paige beneath her. The brunette was the first to pull back for a moment. Nervously she starred at the girl below her who began timidly tracing circles on her back. Hazel eyes filled with longing and need met hers.
A shutter went through her body as Paige slowly began to tug at the bottom of her shirt. She swallowed hard at the feeling. "Are you sure?" Emily asked nervously, almost as to give herself an out.
Skittishly Paige placed another barely-there kiss on the brunette's lips. A smile involuntarily formed and a new found courage crept to surface. Emily leaned in for a deeper kiss and this time she knew there was no way she was stopping. She needed this more than anything else. She finally learned what people talked about in the books. It wasn't what she'd had with Ben nor even with Alison. In that moment she realized she'd just been waiting for Paige McCullers to come along.
Paige was the first to wake, the early bird always caught the worm as they say. In the McCuller's house there was never time for sleeping in or time to sit around. No, as her father would always say, those are times for the lazy, and McCullers were never allowed such. To be lazy was to ultimately lead to failure, something that was just not even considered.
She couldn't help but sneak a few glances at the sleeping girl who's body was barely covered. Tan legs were exposed just enough to nearly set the previous night's events back in motion, but she'd have to restrain. It was Saturday morning and that meant that she and her father were going university shopping, as he called it. Campus after campus had been visited over the past six months of her junior year. She couldn't even imagine what would lay ahead for the twelfth grade, nor did she want to. No. she just wanted to sit and wait on the brunette girl to wake. She was so peaceful as light snores expelled with not a care in the world. Paige couldn't even imagine what that would be like, not having the weight of the world resting on her shoulders. It must be nice.
"Good morning," Emily whispered, "How long have you been awake?"
Paige shrugged, wishing she hadn't been caught staring so hard, "I don't know, maybe 10 minutes?" In truth it had been closer to an hour.
"You should have woken me."
As if suddenly becoming aware of her nakedness Emily modestly covered herself. Emily turned her back to the other girl nervously as she put her shirt over head. Less than 12 hours ago she loved having the girl look upon her. Now she was ashamed and wanted nothing more than to hide herself away. The thought amused her.
"Do you want to go see a movie this afternoon?" Emily asked.
Paige shook her head sadly, "I can't. I have things to do with my dad today."
"Oh okay, well what about next weekend. N'sync is playing in the city. I know they're cheesy and all but Hanna has an extra ticket maybe you'd want to go? It'd make things a little easier to endure if you'd maybe come..."
"I can't..." The brunette's timid smile faltered, and the sight alone nearly broke Paige's heart.
"Look Em..." Paige shyly looked at her hands, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but I just can't."
"I wasn't asking you on a date or anything...I just thought maybe you'd want to hang out, and if you didn't want to you could have just said you didn't want to instead of making up excuses."
Paige shook her head, "I wasn't Emily, my dad has me on this tight leash. But..." It was her turn to be modest and look away. "I do really like you."
A small smile formed on Emily's face. She felt her heart pounding out of her chest, "I like you too."
"That isn't enough... though." Emily's face dropped once again. She was killing Paige each time. "I could never be out with my dad, he'd kill me! And not to mention we live in two different worlds. You have your friends and I have mine. The only thing we have in common is..." She scrunched up her lips trying to find away the best way to get her feelings out. "Is this."
Emily had heard people talk about this feeling. They often compared it to a million bricks falling on you at once, but now she finally knew what they meant. It was like her insides were caving in and she needed to breathe. She needed oxygen to revive herself but she was already dead. She didn't know that the best night of her life was supposed to be followed by the worst day. Paige McCullers stood before her pleading desperately and silently for something that Emily would never know. She took a deep breath and proceeded to the door, opening it for the other girl.
Emily felt her eyes become heavy from the tears threatening to spew over. The tears that she would never let Paige see.
"Fine...didn't happen."
And with that it didn't happen.
"Fancy seeing you." Paige McCullers joked as she looked at the other girl, "Can I buy you a drink?"
Both girls chuckled for what felt like moments. They hadn't seen one another in months and they were able to just speak as though they hadn't been apart at all. Sometimes one is lucky enough to come in contact with people that time has no depreciation on the foundation on your friendship with them and others it deteriorates with time. Seconds become too long, moments feel like an eternity and years become unfathomable. Emily and Paige had the kind of bond that could withstand the hellish of times and soar high beyond the best of them.
"Why not?" Emily shrugged confidently, though inside she was turning into mush. Oh how'd she missed her friend. It had only been 5 months but it felt like an eternity, yet not nearly long enough. "I'll have whatever you're having."
A double shot of jack and coke was exactly what the doctor had ordered.
"So what's brought you to these neck of the woods," inquired Paige.
"Life."
And that was the only answer needed. College hadn't been a walk in the park for either of the two. It wasn't the parties they were promised, nor was it the constant swimming competitions they thought they were entitled too either. It was just college.
"Want to go for a walk?"
Emily chuckled, "I'm not sure if we should in this state, but why the hell not?"
The streets of Philadelphia weren't that kind at night; however, neither girl seemed to care that night. The world seemed like a lot less scary of a place with each other in tow. Paige politely held the door open for the brunette as they exited the bar. Both girls walked several blocks without speaking. Emily was pulling her jacket as high as possible to hold back the wind from her face. The other girl chuckled inwardly at the sight. One can always depend on Emily Fields to dress for style and not practicality.
"So are you seeing anyone?" Emily asked, in an attempt end the silence between them and to receive an answer for the question that had been looming over them the entire evening.
A small chuckle escaped her lips, "Not really."
"What does not really mean, Paige?"
Emily wondered if she was seeing lots of people or no one at all. The answer was too ambiguous for her liking.
"I've been occasionally going out with someone, but it's nothing serious." She shrugged her shoulders at the thought and became very quiet. "I think we both just have different ideas of what a relationship should be like."
The brunette waited quietly for the other girl to elaborate.
"They think it's better to have someone that you're comfortable with and that you could share everything about yourself with, and while that's great... I'm just looking for more. I want to be able to not breathe when they're away for too long. I want to truly miss their presence in my life, and not just the void of having a companion. I want that kind of passion where you can't keep your hands to yourself, and you can just never stop thinking about them..." Paige stopped her rant for a moment and looked at the other girl who was clearly hanging on to her ever word, "Something you have with Maya, right?"
Eyes opened wipe, "You know?"
Paige nodded, "Of course I know. I've known since you two started dating."
A blush crept upon the brunette's cheeks, and an "oh" formed upon her lips but no words were spoken. Momentarily she must have forgotten the two had been friends, gone to high school together, had majority of the same classes, and were both on the same swim team. Or she merely had thought that Paige hadn't seem them together all those times. She didn't know which was worse, but regardless of which was true, the whole situation made her feel pretty daft.
"You two are perfect for one another."
Quietly Emily responded, "Yeah... we're great." She fiddled with her hands nervously, "My place is only a few blocks from here,"she let out a huge sigh, "Want to come in and have another drink?"
"Sure."
Emily flipped the light switch and waved her hand around showing her place. It was a tiny, nothing like Paige had expected. She couldn't see any girl other than herself from Rosewood in a small 450 square foot place, all the same Emily Fields had managed to totally surprise her. The place was small and ever slightly rundown but it still had that eloquence about it that radiated her personality. Around it were pictures on the walls of the wholesome foursome, as they were called by their classmates: Spencer Hasting, Hanna Marin, Aria Montgomery and of course Emily.
"So what made you decide against on campus housing?"
The brunette shrugged, "I wanted to be able to hear myself think."
The answer must've appeased the other girl because she wondered around the room and looked at the pictures. She was surprised to find that there were none of Emily alone and relatively few of her with her girlfriend. There were pictures of New York City plastered around her as well as some of random subjects: such as windows, traffic lights, grass, and other objects that many wouldn't take a second notice to. Suddenly trepidation had taken over as she realized she had now breached the walls of Emily Fields. She was seeing inside her mind and seeing the creativity that was just waiting to be unleashed. She was no longer standing in front of her friend from school, nor the swimmer she had swam with for years.
"These are some really amazing shots," Paige praised, "You majoring in photography?"
Emily shook her head, "No I'm doing International Business."
"Why?" Emily's eyes opened wide causing Paige to realize her voice had gotten a bit louder than she'd expected, "Sorry didn't mean to sound so harsh. I just mean I don't understand why because you've clearly got an eye for detail that others don't."
"Photography won't be paying any of the bills, neither will writing."
A quizzical eyebrow rose, "You write too?"
"Short stories, some lyrics, but nothing worthwhile."
Paige shook her head, "Hey don't belittle yourself! You need to take a chance and do something."
"I don't have time between my basic classes and swimming. I don't have much time for anything really."
"Bullshit!"
The brunette was once again caught off guard by her friend's candidness. She had no response and Paige offered no apology or remorse for her outburst.
"You can do anything as cheesy as it sounds. Don't sell yourself short." Emily opened her mouth to defend herself, but she wasn't allowed the opportunity. "Just stop being chicken shit and let yourself follow your heart for once in your life. Stop using your head because I'm telling you from experience that will not get your anywhere but unhappy."
"I know but times are very tough right now to find a job. I have to find something substantial. Maya is right. I need to look for something more economical."
Annoyance was not a feeling Paige hid well; however, it wasn't like she concealed any emotion well, but any sort of irritation was the hardest to even attempt.
"Maya doesn't know anything! You have a talent and you don't need to downplay it! You have raw talent! Who cares what Maya has to say about?"
Emily looked down, "She's still right."
"Fuck Maya!"
Before a word was spoken, lips had covered hers in a kiss that hadn't been expected. Emily found herself wanting to pull away, but there was something not allowing her the choice. She deepened the kiss and drew the other girl closer to her. Every touch was more satisfying than the last, but not nearly close enough, if there was even a such thing. The sensation of having Paige McCuller's wondering hands on her body was enough to send her into a coma. It was something she hadn't realized she'd missed until this particular moment.
It was also something she knew she shouldn't have.
"Paige I can't do this!" Emily exhaled exasperatedly, raising her arms in the air and pointed to the picture on the wall. The largest picture she and Maya St. Germain had taken on their first trip to New York City together before all the chaos of September 11th. Maya insisted that she join her on her tour of Columbia University. It was the night that the two stopped playing cat and mouse and decided to become an item. It was the night that Emily realized that she couldn't keep her feelings any longer at bay and if anyone didn't approve of her, well they'd just have to go fuck themselves.
'Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter' Dr. Seuss.
Lips remained on her neck, working their way to her lips before she turned her head away.
"I'm with Maya."
Paige pressed her harder against the wall, "I know."
"She'll be home for Thanksgiving next week."
"I know."
They both knew but neither of them were stopping their actions and for once Emily Fields stopped thinking with her mind and used her heart.
Seconds later tan legs were out of her pants in no time and it wasn't long before Paige followed suit.
Piles of clothes lain on the floor, sunlight peered through the windows waking them from their somber. The auburn haired girl was the first to wake. She couldn't help but watch the sunlight hit the brunette's face. There was something so peaceful, almost childlike in the way she slept, but the mirage quickly came to an end as the sunlight irritated Emily's eyes. She let out a deep sigh of frustration before totally becoming aware of her surroundings.
"This..." Emily pointed between the two awkwardly, "You know..."
Paige sighed unable to hide the hurt, "It didn't happen."
Once again it didn't happen.
"What are you doing here?" A meek smile crossed Emily's lips as the auburn-haired woman walked towards her.
The smile was matched, "Spencer invited me, of course."
After years of being off and on Spencer Hastings and Toby Cavanaugh had finally tied the knot. The ceremony was nothing over the top but it wouldn't be a Hasting's if it wasn't the most eloquent thing one had ever seen. Spencer's dress was the best part of it as it was the perfect fit for her. It wasn't a puffy princess dress. The tastefully narrow white dress only added to her naturally beautiful figure. The train was still rather long; however, it only accented an already beautiful dress. The wedding couldn't have gone any better, but there was never a possibly of anything short of spectacular while in Nantucket.
Finally within arm's reach of one another, the pair leaned forward in a small embrace. The tiniest gasp was released from them. Paige pulled back with the biggest smile and Emily returned the grin tenfold. "She said you might be needing a date too."
Emily groaned, "And apparently she doesn't know any other lesbians, right?"
She couldn't fault Spencer for looking out for her. Even on her wedding day she still had everyone's best interest in mind.
"Probably not, but I'm pretty sure it's easier to ask her neighbor's daughter to come anyway than some random," Emily smiled broadly, "I'm glad anyway. Free champagne and food. What else could be better?"
Emily glared playfully, "You're a horrible date, the wedding is over and you only show up for the reception."
"I was here I couldn't find you earlier." The brunette gave a disbelieving look, "Scouts honor."
The two had danced for what seemed like an eternity before Paige had to get a breath of fresh air. Emily was thankful because she was long overdo for a smoke. So they both walked outside to the terrace.
"How've you been Em?" Paige asked as she sat her champagne glass on the terrace railing. The commotion surrounding them inside had become too much and both needed a breather. Neither Spencer nor Toby would notice anyway with the other guests ambushing them with pictures and desperation of being noticed by the now wedded pair.
Emily took a moment and looked up at the star filled sky as if to ponder the inquiry.
"We've been great. I've been working on my book at home, and Maya has been hard at work with the election going on. She lives for this sort of thing. You should see all the Obama memorabilia around our place. It's crazy, but she's like a kid in a candy store so I can't say much."
Paige nodded, "That's great. I'm glad things are great with Maya, but I didn't really hear much about you in that answer."
"I'm great."
The response was barely above an whisper. If not for the nearly silent atmosphere the shorter woman would have never heard her.
"Enough about me, how've you been?"
The question must've alarmed Paige because she took a several seconds to answer, "I've been doing alright. Work has been stressful, but other than that, I've been good."
"Your residency still not going so well?"
Paige shrugged, "The hours are long and none of us residents are taken seriously or treated with any respect." Paige sighed and continued with a sardonic expression, "Other than that it's going great."
"Anything else?"
She looked like a deer caught in headlights. "I started sort of seeing someone but I don't know if it'll go anywhere."
If Emily was shocked in any way she didn't let it show, "That's awesome what's her name? How'd you two meet?"
The taller woman treaded lightly, because she wasn't sure if this was really a discussion they should be having. She watched other woman's face to see if there was a hint of anything saying she shouldn't and found none so she decided to continue.
"Her name is Kathleen, we met at this coffee shop that I frequent. She's working on her Masters so she's always there studying." She searched the brunette's face once again but found no reason no not to finish. "It's nothing serious yet but I really do like her. We've only gone out on a few dates, but I don't really have time to breathe much less date."
"That's awesome. You should totally keep dating if you really like her."
Paige smiled, "I just might."
Several dances and glasses of champagne later they once again found themselves outside. The sky was darker and the stars were brighter. The big dipper was very easy to find and despite being slightly harder to see, the little dipper was easy as well. Emily lit a cigarette as she maintained her gaze above but was well aware of the pair of hazel eyes on her. She hated the way she could feel them penetrating every wall of defense.
"I think she's having an affair." Emily finally stated as she inhaled her cigarette's fumes, "I don't know for sure, it could really just be work but I definitely have an inkling."
Paige sadly shook her head, "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know." And she really didn't know. "It doesn't hurt like it should."
Emily had seen some of her friends destroyed by infidelity, yet the possibility of it in her own marriage didn't even register on her radar. She imagined not having Maya in her life was probably the hardest part of the situation. She'd have to learn to stand on her own once again. She'd done it before so it certainly wouldn't be the most difficult thing she'd ever had to endure. It just wasn't something she'd wanted to do nor had she expected to have to do so 3 years after she'd made a promise of forever to the woman she loved.
"Then you have your answer. You know what you have to do."
Neither was certain how they'd ended up back in Emily's room or how they were now engaging in some familiar activities. Maybe it was the alcohol or perhaps Eleanor Roosevelt had been right. Absence did in fact make the heart grow fonder, and both women's hearts were beating faster than normal as lips crashed upon lips. Fingers were drawing across skin causing a trail of goosebumps in their wake.
"You deserve so much better," Paige whispered as her lips made their way around the other woman's neck. "So so much better."
Emily couldn't take much more. The sensation was too much to handle and the sweet words were not something she wanted to hear. She shoved the other woman against the wall and kissed her deeply. There was nothing soft about the kiss as she dug her teeth into lips. A small moaned erupted only giving her more courage to further herself.
"God it's been too long." Emily mused, "Far too long." The other woman's shirt was now tossed across the room. "Just as beautiful as ever," She stated as she stared at Paige's bare-chest. A blush displayed on her cheeks. She rolled her eyes playfully to hide her mild embarrassment. In the past she had many girls and women look upon her and she'd gathered some of the same responses, but only Emily Field's had this effect on her.
"Will you pass me a smoke?" Emily asked while trying to regain her breath.
Obediently her request was fulfilled, but not without a disapproving groan.
"Those things kill."
Emily shrugged, "So do so many other things."
"Does Maya care that you smoke?"
Crestfallen the brunette got off the bed, walked over to the chair where she'd left her robe hanging, and put it on before walking out on the balcony. She closed her eyes and took in a breath of fresh air. The lingering smell of salt filled her lungs and she opted to get rid of her cancer stick. After putting out the cigarette she tossed it over the balcony and watched it fall. She was only on the fifth floor, but watching the butt hit the ground made her suddenly feel as though she was on the top of the world looking down. Everything that had happened in her life seemed so miniscule in the larger scheme of things. No mattered what good or bad things occurred in her life, those things didn't change how the universe worked.
"I'm sorry."
Emily didn't look back, "You don't have to be sorry for anything," she closed her eyes tightly and exhaled, "I'm the one that should be sorry. I have been so set on making her happy that I don't know where I end and she begins,"A timid hand reached hers and squeezed it lightly. "I'm broken, Paige."
"You are not broken! I don't ever want to hear you say those words, Emily Fields. Your life is a mess, you don't know which way is up or down, and things haven't gone the way you'd expected, but you are not broken." Emily tried to interrupt but she wasn't allowed the chance. Paige dropped her hand, and starred at her, "Life's a fucking bitch sometimes, but you have to pick yourself up again and get your shit together. You do deserve better in life! You deserve to be happy!"
Like a scolded child for stealing cookies, or having too many pieces of chocolate Emily retreated in her robe. She pulled it tightly around her and looked away from her friend. Her shameful gaze fixated on the water.
"Stop looking like that" the irate woman chided, "You have nothing to feel guilty of because you have done nothing wrong!" She slammed her hand on the rail, startling the brunette, and hurting her hand in the process, but she ignored the pain. "I am the one that has something to be ashamed of," Emily turned once again to face the other woman, confusion written all over her face, "I preach and preach about doing the right thing, about being honest and I've been lying for years."
Emily opened her mouth to say something, but she was silenced before the words were spoken.
"I have cared about you since we first met!" Emily's eyes widen, but she says nothing, "I was freaking out all day about tryouts for high school swimming, and you were in the hall with the wholesome foursome plus one. You were wearing that hoodie that you wore all the time in 8th grade from Penn State and Alison was being a bitch as always. She was picking on Lucas about something or another. In all the madness you looked up at me and smiled. I don't know why you smiled, but you did and you just said- "
"I said good luck today, you got this Paige."
The other woman nodded, "Yeah that was it. It wasn't anything major but from then on I tried to get closed to you, when I realized being your friend wasn't an option," Emily frowned at the thought of how she'd been in high school, "I started competing with you and going out of my way to piss you off because back then that was better than anything." Paige shrugged, "After our first time, I coward away once again, I thought being you friend was good enough, because I was too chicken shit to be anything else."
"It's alright," Emily mused, "I was with Maya anyway."
"I pushed you towards her if I'd just" she groaned, "If I'd just dealt with things back then we wouldn't just have this," she pointed to the hotel room, "we'd have a life together." burning tears threatened to spew over, "I could make you happy."
"I have to do that for myself first."
"I know but I could love you."
And they both knew she could, but they knew she'd never have the chance.
The following morning Emily woke up with a smile on her face. Memories of the previous engagement still fresh on her mind. Glaring sunlight peered through the open sliding door. Kisses beneath the moonlight caused a shiver to rush through her body and she reached over to continue where they had left off, only to find that the sheets were cold.
If it weren't for a small piece of ripped paper was placed beside her cigarettes she would have assumed the entire night had been a dream.
"It didn't happen."
"So McCullers-Smith or Smith-McCullers?" Emily asked, both last name possibilities causing a chuckle to erupt, that then turned into a full on laughter.
Her friend was none too amused, but as they say laughter is contagious. Paige found herself laughing soon as after.
Paige and Kathleen had sent Emily an invitation to their wedding within the year. The invitation stated that she and a companion save the Date, though there was no date. It was bit peculiar but Emily had decided she'd just black list the whole calendar until she'd known more details.
"Maybe you should go with Smith-McCullers." Paige scrunched up her face in confusion, "I mean it is after all S&M," The brunette winked at her friend before tossing another drink back. "Paige S&M has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
Paige shook her head, but laughed despite herself.
Emily had taken it upon herself to set up a meeting with Paige to congratulate her in person when she'd heard she was Rosewood to spend time with her family. Spencer may've forthcoming with the information without even being asked. As soon as Toby and Spencer had seen Paige on the McCuller's lawn she called Emily right away, thus, that is how Paige McCullers ended up in her apartment an hour away in Philadelphia. Emily had bought a bottle of congratulatory wine, but Paige had other ideas in mind. She wanted Tequila. Lucky enough for the two, Emily had some stashed away. Truthfully, she had no idea when she'd be drinking it, because what professional 31 year olds still drank the Mexican party drink?
Either way she had been convinced by the shorter woman, and the two had now had 4 shots under the belt. Paige was certain she could drink the brunette under the table, but only time would tell. Emily was not going to go down without a fight.
"You know every time we're together, we're drinking," Emily mused, and once again went into a giggling fit.
"Most definitely, now bring on some more shots."
Two more shots later the pair were standing wobbly around the island of Emily's 2,500 square foot apartment. Paige had first pointed out that this place could fit her very first studio in it several times and still have room to breathe. It was true, but Emily hadn't solely decided on the place because of the size. In the loft was a small room that couldn't have been more perfect for a dark room. Though film developing had become all but extinct, Emily still loved taking black and whites and then developing them. The smell of the chemicals and the feeling of total solitude was something that Photoshop and Canon printers could never replace.
"You know despite everything, this is all so weird," her face scrunched up, "well not weird. I don't know what I mean but until you and I had happened, I always envisioned walking down the isle with a man. I thought we'd have 2.5 children and live in the suburbs. Instead I am marrying another woman, who knows when we'll have kids because of my work, and we'll live Manhattan."
"Truthfully me too, but I think most of us are like that. I mean I fully place the blame on Beauty and The Beast, Cinderella, and other Disney movies though."
Paige chuckled, "You're right I guess."
"Of course I am, I mean seriously go back and watch one of those movies. They're all woe is me! I must find a man. At least in Mulan she was kicking ass and then found her man." Emily placed her hand on her chin, and pretended to ponder, "I should have realized that while other girls may have wanted to be Mulan, I wanted her!"
"I can see that though between you and me, I was always more of a Jasmine girl. I should have known there was a reason I wanted to be Aladdin, lucky bastard."
"Hopefully soon enough the cartoons will show it's okay for the girl to get the girl or the boy to get his loverboy." Emily sighed, her tone becoming serious. "But who knows I mean we just got a black princess, how sad is that?"
"Tragic," Paige agreed. "Our time will come one day though."
"Now less serious stuff and more drinks!"
Paige couldn't be happier to oblige. Such a discussion would sure to put a damper on her wedding planning and mood.
"Yes ma'ma!"
Several Tequila shots later the women were on the floor giggling like school girls. The brunette's foot had fallen asleep and tried to walk it out. She inevitably landed on the floor, so they'd decided it was more comfortable there anyway. Who needed a big comfy couch when there is plush carpet available anyway?
"First crush?" Paige inquired, "And don't say Britney Spears because she doesn't count."
"Damnit." She pretended to consider the question before shrugging, "Alison."
Paige couldn't suppress her utter shock, "DiLaurentis?" Emily nodded her head, "Wow I can't exactly say I saw that one coming. Though you have always had a thing for ballzy women."
"What about you?" Emily asked, not wanting to continue in this direction.
"Truthfully," She hesitated while trying contain the blush that was waking it's way over her cheeks, "Mrs. Montgomery."
Emily couldn't hold back her laughter. Ella Montgomery had been one of her best friend's mother and the thought of Paige having crushed on her was too much to bear. She had been to their house on many occasions for dinners, sleepover, movie nights, and just there for moral support for Aria, but her mind had never wondered in that direction. Not that Mrs. Montgomery wasn't an attractive woman, because she she was beautiful, but that was just something couldn't comprehend considering. It was Mrs. Montgomery after all.
Once able to contain herself Emily asked the most adolescent question of all. "First kiss?"
Another blush formed on the auburn-haired woman's cheeks, "You."
"You mean?" Paige nodded, "The first night we?" Once again Paige nodded, "Wow."
"Yeah."
Emily couldn't hide her complete surprise. She was more than certain that she was Paige's first partner though they hadn't discussed the matter, but she hadn't expected that all in the same night Paige had given all of herself to her. A smile was reaching from ear to ear causing the shorter womanto swat her arm in an attempt to wipe the boastful grin from her face.
"Not funny."
Emily shrugged, "It is a little." She gained another hit on the arm, "Ouch woman, fine I'll pick something less embarrassing. "What's your biggest fear?" She asked giddily, "I can't stand spiders, those nasty fuckers just make my skin crawl."
The brunette's small faltered as she watched the other woman's demeanor change. She was no longer joking when she looked deep into Emily's eyes. There wasn't any hesitation nor an ounce of playfulness in her voice, "I'm absolutely terrified," she exhaled deeply, "that I'm going to mess this all up."
"Mess what up? It's just a stupid question are no right or wrong answers, Misses Know-it-all"
Emily did know what the other woman was talking but it was just easier to pretend the rainbow elephant wasn't looming over them. That the impending date didn't exist, at least for a few hours while they consumed all the alcohol they could without being sick the next morning. She hoped her response would be enough to disarm the inevitable conversation, but it was to no avail because her friend was now looking at her with both annoyance and absolute trepidation.
Emily offered a reassuring smile, "You'll do fine. Kathleen is a very lucky woman."
"I'm not so sure."
"I am Paige," Emily took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and exhaled before opening her eyes to meet two starring intensely back at her.
"I mess everything up."
Emily's arms reached around the shorter woman's neck and pulled her close. Resistance was futile as the brunette held her ground and wouldn't let the shorter woman out of her grasp. Neither were sure who had let out a soft moan, but they both separated just as quickly as it had occurred. Paige decided to take the couch while the brunette still preferred the floor, or really she just wanted some distance between herself and the other woman.
"You're going to be amazing, Paige."
"That's not even possible."
Emily shook her head adamantly, "You are." She took a deep breath, "You are going to be the greatest wife in the world and you're going to make Kathleen so happy."
"You can't be so sure."
Eyes closed tightly, "Yes I can be, because I love you, Paige."
The auburn-haired woman's eyes open wide, but no words come out.
"I am going to always love you."
Still stunned Paige's mouth remained open, yet nothing was formulating.
"I have always loved you, and that's how I know you're going to make an amazing wife."
One syllable, one word, one sound was all that resounded in shorter woman's head.
"Love?"
"Yes Paige, I love you, but none of that matter's now."
"How can you say something like that and it not matter?"
A sad smile forms on the brunette's face, "Because it just doesn't. It's irrelevant."
"We have spent the last 15 years waiting for this, and suddenly it just doesn't matter?" Sullenly Emily nods her head, "How can it not matter?"
"Because what matters now is your happiness, and I could promise you now to make you the happiest woman on the planet, but those are just words. I still haven't fixed me. I've gotten better, but I am in no place to take care of someone else. I have to find my happy place before I can think about someone else, regardless of how I feel. I can't have you put your life on hold because mine has stalled."
Tears began to form in the brunette's eyes, attempting to rid herself of them she closed her eyes, but that only worsened her state. The tears streamed down her face, "It's my turn to be fair to you. You deserve to be happy, and Kathleen is that." She sniffled, "I have to let you go."
Paige brushed the tears from the brunette's eyes, but they continued to flow as she gently caressed the other woman's cheek. Nothing ceased the soft whimpers coming from the brunette. She leaned forward and brushed her lips to Emily's lips. Both women are startled by the auburn-haired woman's actions. The pair are fully aware of the consequences to follow and aware of their conversation moments before, but they can't contain themselves.
"Paige we can't."
Paige knew she couldn't. They had been here before, many times, and there were a million reasons why this should not happen, yet that didn't seem to matter. Once again they were at a fork in the road.
"I know." And she did know. She knew that they shouldn't.
Every nerve ending in Emily's body exploded as she reached her climax and she fell exhaustedly on the bed. Silence filled the room. It wasn't as though words were needed. Definition was something they'd thrown out the window over a decade ago. Instinctively Paige reached over to the night stand where the brunette's Marlboro's remained and handed them to her.
Emily removed the lighter she'd often hidden in her cigarette box and lit it mechanically. She was smoking less these days, but it was still a vital part of her life. A cigarette when things were great, another when her environment was overtly stressful, when things were life changing, and after mind blowing love making. She'd hit the superfecta and had never given much thought as to what she was supposed to do if that ever occurred.
"This is it, isn't it?" Emily whispered, to herself and to the other woman. She hadn't really expected an answer nor did she need one, but she knew it was the end.
Paige sullenly nodded, "Scary isn't it?"
"Terrifying." Her crestfallen expression left nothing to the imagination.
Both women remained quiet for what seemed like an eternity. Words weren't needed. The simplicity of being together for what little time they had together was enough for them. The end was nigh and the pair wanted to bask in the comfort of one another for just a few more hours. Come morning Emily knew Paige would be long gone.
A life without Paige McCullers had become a life she wasn't ready to accept, but one she'd always known in her heart she was destined to live. Emily Fields ran her fingers through her long brown hair. As they'd learned before desire never ended up in the novels with the happiest endings. No, stories like theirs ended up in a place discarded far on the shelf of what-ifs, maybes and never a fighting chance in hells. She inhaled the poisons into her lungs before sighing in resignation. She'd finally realize that after all these years Paige had been right on the first night they'd spent together. This was just something that didn't happen.
AN: I hope you guys really enjoyed this as much as I did writing it.
Disclaimer: I own nada. Not the character (I wish) nor the basis of PLL. Nothing. Don't sue me. I'm poor.