Some Things Money Can't Buy. For Everything Else…
Summary: Sakamoto has a plan to help out his old friends on Earth. Also known as: the origin story of Elizabeth.
Disclaimer: I own only the portion of this that is complete and utter crack, which is all of it. No really, I claim nothing of anything mentioned below.
"Do you know what this is costing us? Almost a full year worth of cargo! Do you ever think before you act?" Mutsu grumbled. She turned and shouted at the crew, "Watch how you lift that thing! It's made of high-grade plutonium, if you drop it it'll go straight through the deck! And you've bumped one of the chains lose. Yes, I know there are five layers of locks, now fix the one you screwed up!"
"Ah, I am undeserving of your flawless competence," Sakamoto told his first mate.
Mutsu rolled her eyes. "You most certainly are. If that monstrosity breaks out and eats the ship, it's coming out of your own wallet, not out of the company funds."
This entire operation was coming out of Sakamoto Tatsuma's own wallet. He knew that Mutsu's aggravation was only an expression of concern for him. He also had no doubt that if this went horribly wrong, she'd never let him forget it.
There was an ominous rattling from within the enormous box, as if something was slamming against the three feet thick metal walls. Sakamoto reminded himself that the thing was in complete hibernation, and it was only the handlers' unsteady lifting.
Mutsu was still glaring at him, waiting for an explanation. Sakamoto knew that "I have this old friend and I've forgotten a few birthdays" might cut it with the rest of the crew, but not with her.
"Kintoki-"
"You mean Gintoki. Your friend with the bad perm."
"Right. I stopped by the other day—we were just drinking and talking about old times—and he said he'd met Katsura again. Then he said that Katsura had tried to frame him for a bombing."
Mutsu raised an eyebrow. "And this made you decide to give him an expensive present? Has your friend Gintoki been annoying you recently? Borrowed any money from you?"
"You know it's not like that. It's just, he sounded, worried about Katsura."
That was what had scared Sakamoto more than anything—Gintoki of all people, worried. Gintoki did not get worried, not when he was surrounded by a thousand uninjured Amano with superior firepower, and certainly not over a mild brush with the law in another life-threatening situation. If Gintoki was expressing any kind of concern over Zura, then that meant his old friend was probably one push away from going funny-farm insane. Sakamoto couldn't let that happen without trying to help. Not when he already had too many old debts and bonds and regrets were his friends were concerned.
Money? What else did he make money for? It was more than worth it, to save Katsura from himself, and to keep Gintoki from worrying.
Sakamoto explained to Mutsu, "All of my friends can be a tad—difficult. It takes drastic measures to get through their thick skulls. And you have to admit one of these is pretty much the most drastic measure money can buy, hah-hah."
They had been designed in a special laboratory kept a hundred trillion years in the future orbiting the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. They had been created using a frame from a robot known as the "Terminator," programmed with the obsessive loyalty to duty of the extinct species the Daleks, spliced with DNA from a race known as Kryptonians, given the digestive track of bioengineered creatures called biomeat, raised eating a plant known as the Devil Fruit, partnered with a zanpakutō that was forged in the breath of the Last Dragon, imbued with the power of the Philosopher's stone, grown from the roots of the Yggdrasill Tree, and powered by the Silver Crystal of the Moon Kingdom.
They were intended to be marketed as bodyguards, until the little incident that ended with the entire lab dead. But Sakamoto had confirmed that on the job they were perfect; they were only a tad homicidal before they found a master.
This one had been thoroughly sedated. Sakamoto had also already imprinted it on Katsura using some hair as DNA. Alas, it was also proven to be a bad idea to be around one when the designated master was not present, so the cage was a temporary necessity.
He attached a shipping label to Katsura's last known address—hopefully it was accurate. He'd have to personally deliver it to make sure, as Tokyo was a lovely city and he didn't want to be responsible for its destruction.
As the cage was loaded on to their ship, Mutsu said, "I get that all of your friends are insane. At least tell me one thing. Why the duck costume?"
Sakamoto shrugged expansively. "Katsura likes ducks!" Zura tried to keep it secret, but he used to sleep with a duck plushie back during school. "It has to be something he won't just throw out."
Mutsu shuddered in horror, probably at the thought of something worth that much money being thrown out. The potential destruction of Tokyo, on the other hand, didn't bother her as much as it did Sakamoto.
There was one more thing that needed to be done before this could be delivered to Katsura. Sakamoto carefully peeled off the price tag, and the label. It read, "Attack Unit Code Name: Elizabeth. Guaranteed to last until the heat death of the universe or full money refunded."
Yes, Sakamoto knew, there were some things that only money could buy. If Katsura managed to get himself killed in spite of this, then he'd eat his own plutonium-diamond cage.