The Wreckage
By: FalseAlarm
Summary: Lily liked to just lay there, staring at the stars and dreaming that maybe just maybe if they stared hard enough, that maybe they would just be able to leave. To fly away and join the twinkling heavens above and not have to worry about dating, grades...life. Anything.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in the story. They're J.K.Rowling's characters. The song is by Vanessa Carlton.
XXX
He kisses her and it's always hard, full of lust. His nails dig deeply into her waist to hear her breathy gasp. Her lips are always chapped, scratchy and red raw by the time they're done.
And Lily always comes back for more.
It doesn't matter that it's wrong, that it's secret. It's gives her a thrill in a way it only would to a seventeen year old girl foolish enough to believe it meant something, that lust meant something.
His eyes are always clouded over, swirling into an abyss full of gray and hidden mysteries. When he looks at her, that's all she ever sees. A overwhelmingly handsome man, closing off the world and everyone in it. But he always knows what to say, what to whisper in a girl's ear seconds before a kiss or at the end of a date. He charms everyone with a smile, and it wasn't unless you knew him that you could see the truth behind it.
Sirius Black was always absolutely perfect and absolutely broken.
He was tragedy and beauty and a permanent addiction that no one could ever get rid of.
They used to sneak out as soon as it was midnight, and Sirius would bring James' invisibility cloak so they could go out by the lake. No matter how cold it was or how tired Lily was, he always forced her to come out by the lake.
And that was their only real time together.
During school, it was rushed kisses in dark corners, or pushed entrances into broom closets.
But at night, by the lake, all alone, they were able to share something.
And Lily always anticipated those nights, no matter how cold it was or how tired she was.
It wouldn't look special if anyone happened to stumble across them, thankfully no one ever did. But they didn't have teary moments, and they didn't share intimate details with each other.
Lily liked to just lay there, staring at the stars and dreaming that maybe just maybe if they stared hard enough, that maybe they would just be able to leave. To fly away and join the twinkling heavens above and not have to worry about dating, grades...life. Anything. It wouldn't matter that Sirius didn't know what family love was, or that Lily didn't know where she fit in, because they could just be. They'd shine forever, burning and sizzling with so much energy until they died. A beautiful death.
Once, she asked Sirius what he thought about every night with her, and he had told her that it didn't matter. He wondered impossibilities and longed for what he couldn't have. And then he turned his head, looking into her eyes and being so close and Lily actually hoped he was wishing for her. Wishing to be something more with her, to be able to tell James, to love her.
But he turned his head away, continuing with the silence which had turned into a solemn veil over her heart.
Because, of course, Sirius always kissed her hard, he always gripped her tightly. For sixteen years he lived in a house with parents who frequently berated and pounded at his heart. For seventeen years he had never officially had a girlfriend to buy flowers for on her birthday, or go on a date with for Valentines Day. Sirius Black didn't even know what love was.
He hated when she asked her questions like that.
Lily could never figure out why.
They were the only questions she liked to ask.
XXX
"Lily Evans, I swear, if you go back to that blasted school, I won't have you in my wedding, I won't send you any letters, and I'll never acknowledge you as my damn sister ever again!"
It had taken years of pent up bitter jealousy for Petunia to finally shout those words, so full of hate, that she seemed to be surprised and a little shocked at herself. But she stood her ground, tall with arms crossed and eyes narrowed, she stood her ground.
And with just as much pride, Lily had walked out the door and caught the Night Bus back to Hogwarts.
It was Christmas Eve. She had been alone with her sister at home, and now she was alone at Hogwarts. Not exactly an improve when you have teachers and the few sparse students left giving you pitying sympathetic looks.
She's hurt. God, she's so hurt that crying doesn't seem even remotely good enough. So she doesn't. She is pathetic. She does deserve those sympathetic looks.
Lily was damp and muddy and she was so so cold.
But she left her trunk in the common room and set her cloak out to dry by the fire.
Then she headed up the boy's dormitory to visit the person she knew for a fact hadn't gone home.
"Evans?" Sirius slowly opened his door wider to let her in.
She feels ugly. She's wearing jeans and a stupid tank top, and she feels dumb because Sirius is a pure blood wizard and is probably wondering why she's looking so ugly. She's damp and muddy and cold.
Speaking doesn't feel good enough, so she doesn't. He doesn't. The door closes and they're left in darkness, suffocating silence.
For once, she doesn't feel like mentally goading Sirius to ask if she's alright, or if there's something he can do, or anything that would sugarcoat anything because she's hurt and she wants to keep it bitter because some things are best left that way. Bitter and unresolved.
"Petunia kicked me out," Lily offers shortly. She looks up, thinking that Sirius knows what it's like to be turned against. Sirius knows all about family betrayal. There's no need for words and speaking because Sirius knows.
But he doesn't.
"Petunia?"
He doesn't. And that hurts all the more. And now she's crying and breaking and hoping that maybe if she's possible to hurt this badly that maybe she'll finally be able to fly away because it's so unfair. It's so unfair that she's the one that has to endure this kind of hate from her sister, this kind of disconnection from the boy she loves. This kind of pain.
Lily kisses him. Hard. With her arms tightly wrapped around his neck and forcing his head down, she crashes her lips against his. This is what she needs. It's all emotion and passion in the worst possible way, and yet it's the only thing stopping the destructive thoughts running through her head so she kisses him and doesn't let go. And he kisses her back.
This much he has to understand, she thinks.
She starts tugging at his shirt and it's then that he seems to slow down, breaking their kiss. Maybe he has a conscience, she thinks. Maybe he's finally gained some sort of conscience. But there's no need for a conscience tonight, so she kisses him again, and this time he's the one tugging at her clothes.
They end up entwined naked on the bed, hours later, and as Sirius sleeps Lily stares at the ceiling. She's such a stupid girl, she thinks. Her first time wasn't supposed to have happened like this, she thinks. It hadn't been gentle, and it hadn't been anything besides sex.
But it had been better than crying.
She's such a stupid girl, she thinks.
XXX
Lily's so thin. Lily's face is so pale. Lily has messed up.
Her friend had died. A letter had been sent to the school, and Dumbledore had told her the news. They had offered her time off of school, a chance to go home, scheduled times with a counselor. Lily was forced to take them all, but it didn't matter. Her friend had died.
Amile Wells had shared a dorm with Lily for 7 years, and now all that was left was the sunken spot in her bed where she slept every night.
People spoke about her in hushed tones. No one ever asked why she died or how it happened. They knew Lily wouldn't answer. Amile hadn't fought death eaters or refused Voldemort or been a martyr. She had been playing with a muggle gun and accidently shot herself. She hadn't even known it was dangerous.
And Lily's grades dropped. She did horribly on her Transfiguration exam. The possibility of a career as an Auror was over.
James Potter, the polite and caring man who tried to help her through it all. Lily told him it helped her when he brought her supper every day and offered her help on her homework. "Yes, James," she'd say. "It helps." But it didn't.
She spent numerous nights with Sirius. Each time grew more perverse, more twisted, as Lily and him moved from dorms to classrooms to closets to walls. He was always there for her, Sirius was, in his own way. Lily hated him. She hated how the only person she felt alive with was honestly as depressed as she was.
She feels dirty, and no showers can scrub off the guilt she has that oozes out of her every breath.
They went out to the lake one night, a tradition they had abandoned a while ago. And Lily watched the stars as she used to, and she hated Amile, because she had left her all alone. Amile had just left her and she was probably shining brightly, blissfully able to just be. Amile had pulled the trigger and ended the life that Lily desperately wished she had the courage to do, and wished Amile hadn't.
"I love you," Sirius whispers, his hand trailing over hers.
It was the first time he had ever said it. It was the first time Lily wished he hadn't.
But she closes her eyes and inhales the crisp air, trying to remember the low purr of his voice as he says "I love you."
Trying not to remember that he doesn't, that he can't, and the even though she knows she loves him, she always knows that she doesn't, that she can't.
Flying
Flying in slow motion
Wind through my hair
And ripping through the scenery, oh, the wreckage
It is my secret need
XXX
So...the end. Please review. Please:)