He had to know. There was no other way. Even if he hadn't deciphered it in the way he was forgiven, time and time again, it was so obvious. Sammy knew. Hell, Bobby knew. So theres no way Cas didn't know. No way.
But Sam was nothing if not persistent, constantly trying to get him to go for a fairytale confession. Which, in his opinion, was just stupid. Cas had to know, and he let their friendship be, letting him keep his stupid infatuation to himself. What they had was good, brilliant even, so why mess it up by reiterating what they both knew was irrelevant?
Because his heart still sped up, and his chest filled with a reverent want when he thought of what they could have. Sun dappled kisses on hunts or moonlit moments, being able to twist their fingers together, wrap his arm around Cas's waist...
That was what was making sitting here so damn challenging. No matter how much he told himself it was stupid, he still wanted to try. Just in case. And hell, it would be awkward for a few days, but after that they could settle back into the rhythm of mutually ignoring what he felt. He glanced at where he knew Cas was, where he was every morning and afternoon, his silhouetted figure causing a familiar ache in his chest.
Which led to Dean picking up two beers, and sitting next to Cas on the porch of the rundown house in the breathtaking sunset. The view of the fading light playing the shadows of Cas's face caused the hunters breath to catch; he collapsed next to Cas and he tried to get back the elusive determination he set out here with. With a half smile, he passed the extra bottle to Cas, accidentally brushing their fingers together, before returning his gaze on the horizon. (And focusing on regulating his breathing) They watched the hues of red and orange forced down by the ever increasing vastness of the dark sky, until the tip of the sun disappeared. Dean set aside his empty bottle, glancing at Cas, who was barely halfway through his. With a steadying breath to tighten his resolve, he dove in.
"Hey Cas? I know this is stupid, and just going to make things awkward, but..,' Don't wimp out, damn it Winchester, just say it, "You know I...I love you right?" Carefully avoiding Cas's eyes he forced past the stutter that always accompanied 'love' when he tried to say it. "Like, holding hands, get married and grow old together love." Now wait. You can get through this.
The pause lasted so long, too long, when Cas's throaty voice toned out, "I cannot grow old. At least, I do not think I can." Dean choked out a laugh, and his pulse quickened more, because that was not a rejection, he wasn't being rejected that sounded like
"Cas, I don't want to pressure you, but that sounded like, like you wanted the same thing as me." Cas caught his eyes and Dean desperately tried to read something in them, but then Cas was angling his head to the side and pressing his lips against hid and he couldn't process it but Cas felt warm, and soft, and he was leaning back way too soon. Dead chased his lips and reconnected the kiss, gently coaxing Cas into a proper kiss. Hesitant, but learning quickly, Cas responded.
Dean desperately tried to ignore the slight burning behind his eyes that meant he was tearing up, keeping the droplets from falling by sheer force of will, because this moment was perfect, and he wouldn't ruin it by sobbing. Cas wanted him too, he did, he wanted this too!
He eventually tore his lips away from Cas's perfect mouth, and leaned their foreheads together. Huffing out a small laugh, he gazed into Cas's oceanic orbs.
"I ain't complaining, Cas, but...why now? I mean, I was pretty obvious about my..feelings, so why now?" Cas stared at him for a small eternity, before opening his mouth to respond. The hunter dragged his eyes from the angels mouth, determined to avoid distraction.
"I didn't know you wanted this. I thought you were...I thought you solely sought companionship in a platonic sense." Dean hummed in sympathy, treasuring their closeness. Taking pleasure in that if he wanted he could smooth Cas's hair, or ask him nonsensical questions. He turned Cas's hand over into his, entwining their fingers. A giddy feelings twisted around his chest and he couldn't stop the smile from stretching his cheeks. The silence stretched on, until the hunter voiced another question.
"How long? Have you lo...liked me, I mean." Cas batted his eyes cattishly, and tilted his head to the side.
"I don't understand the question." He replied finally, brow creased in confusion.
"How long have you wanted this?" Dean clarified, curiosity now warring with fond amusement.
"I've never thought of it," the angel answered slowly, "But I'm willing to indulge you, since you want it." A chill seeped into Deans body, crawling up his spine. He delicately extracted his hand from Cas's and made a brief space between them.
"Cas..do you...Are you...Are you doing this only because I want this?" Please deny it, please please please no. Breathing was coming harder now, like something was taking up all the space in Deans lungs.
"Its no trouble, Dean. I don't mind it." Cas's face was calm and blank of any misgivings, which was wrong, wrong, wrong, not when Dean had just...just molested him.
"Oh god. Cas, Cas, you cant...I..." The tears threatened more now, but a different, disembodied resolve overtook, and he gasped in a deep breathe. You can breakdown later, he promised himself, but you need to fix this.
"You should never, ever allow people to take liberties from you, Cas, or force you to do things. I know things are different in that cookoo angel walnut of yours, but I need you to promise me this. You wont do...this, this or anything, with anyone unless you want it. Can you...promise me that? Only if you want it. I don't want you to..indulge them, or...just, only if you want it, it." Cas's sapphire orbs pierced him mercilessly, but the hunter met them. He had to do this, before his angel had some other douchebag molest him.
"I don't mind , De-" and that thought pushed him over, because he was worse than a fucking worm for pushing Cas into that, when hes practically a baby in the human world.
"You should! I fucking...just. fucking christ, don't let anyone molest you. Thats what it is, ok? So I need you to indulge me on this ' he felt sick he needed to leave but he needed Cas to understand, " Please Cas. Promise me."
Cas stared solemnly into his eyes, at his soul, before nodding, slowly, like he didn't fully understand still, but was willing to let out a harsh sigh that threatened to turn into a sob, and stood, stumbling back to his feet. He stopped at the doorway and whispered, voice cracking,
"Thank you, Cas."