A/N: Another unbeta'd RPS. Louis/Harry again. I'm slightly ashamed, but still writing them. That says something about me that I'd rather not contemplate.
At first it's not a big deal, the restrictions that are being put on them. They have to be careful of how often they touch. They have to be careful of how long they look at each other, how they smile at each other. It is a little difficult, Louis will admit, but manageable. Everyone's got it wrong anyway; there's nothing going on between Harry and him. Until… well, until there is.
It's not something Louis' ever thought about before, being with another boy. But, there's Harry and he's just so… Harry. And honestly, Louis doesn't think he ever stood a chance. Harry's eyes are too green, and his smile is too wide, too bright. Louis' probably been half in love with him since the first time he laid eyes on him.
It happens suddenly, but it feels like the most natural thing in the world. One night they're playing cards, just the two of them. Harry gets up to get them a drink, and when he comes back, he sits Louis' glass beside him. Louis looks up to say thank you at the same time Harry leans down to wrap him in a quick hug. They end up in the situation by chance, but what happens next is no accident.
There's a moment when Louis thinks Harry will pull away. They've been close to the edge before, but something always seems to stop them from leaping. But, Harry doesn't move. He's breathing raggedly, staring intently into Louis' eyes, and his lips part just a bit. Louis' heart tries to jump out of his chest when Harry's gaze falls to his mouth, and his tongue darts out to wet his lips. That's all it takes: Harry's pink tongue poking out and a heated looked. Then they're snogging. Harry straddles him, holds his head, moans into his mouth, and rolls his hips enticingly.
The cards are forgotten on the table as Louis leads the way to his bedroom, walking backwards, his lips attached to Harry's the whole way. There's no rush; they have all night. But they still tear at each other's clothes, frantic to feel skin. Louis moans into Harry's mouth when the barriers are removed and they are finally naked against each other. Harry gasps when Louis drops to his knees and sucks him down to the root.
It should be weird afterwards, but it's not. He and Harry are still best friends, and if they're now lovers as well? Well, that's a bonus. A great bonus as far as Louis is concerned, because he's waking up every morning next to Harry Styles, and the only place Louis ever wants to be is next to Harry.
Louis tries so hard to keep it off his face, away from the cameras, interviews, and screaming fans. He has to hide his love, has to keep it trapped under layers of lies, so that the fans can cling to their illusions. But he knows he's failing, more and more every day. He can't keep his eyes off Harry, can't keep his hands from reaching out to him. Every day there's a new photo, a new video, more speculation. Every day he gets closer to just shouting it out to the world. And, every day management comes down on him harder.
But there just isn't enough time. They don't have enough hours in the day, and every minute they're awake, they spend in front of other people. So Louis has to take what he can get when he can get it. Usually that comes in the form of Harry's thigh pressed tightly to his during an interview. Or gazing at Harry longingly between answering question. Or his arm slung over Harry's shoulders or around Harry's waist. And sometimes, they dare to cuddle, always covered with goofy smiles and silly jokes. Louis tries to cuddle with the others as well, tries to touch them as often, but he never seems to balance it right.
The others try to help, terrified of what would happen to their success should it come out. Liam is good at breaking in with little lines here and there to interrupt Louis and Harry's flirty banter. Zayn will distract Louis if he's been staring at Harry for too long. Naill bursts out with spills of laughter when the tension becomes too thick. But still, it isn't enough. Still, everyone knows, even if Louis and Harry haven't admitted it. Even though 'girlfriends' are shoved at them left and right. Even though photos of sweet little intimate moments with the girls are posted and tweeted every time they've gone too far. None of it is enough.
Louis just can't contain himself. He's never felt like this before, never loved someone so much. He'd almost give it all up. He'd almost walk away from his old dream in order to claim to his new one. And that's what Harry is, Louis' new dream. There's nothing more important to him than Harry. Nothing. That's why Louis doesn't leave it all behind. Harry wouldn't follow him.
It isn't that Harry doesn't love him. It's because Harry is convinced they can have it all. He's sure they could come out and not lose everything. The only thing that's holding him back is Louis' reluctance to break the rules. Oh, Louis' never had a problem skirting the edges of acceptability. And, he's most certainly never had a problem going against the grain. Breaking a rule or too here or there isn't an issue either. Or, at least not when it's his own ass on the line. But, it isn't just himself he has to worry about anymore. He's no longer a solo act, and he has to consider the well-being and futures of four other people.
It's killing him though. Normally Louis isn't a jealous person. But, normally Louis doesn't have to hide his relationships. Normally anyone who touches his significant other knows that person belongs to Louis. It isn't like that with Harry. He can't kiss Harry in public. He can't dance with Harry, can't hold him like he wants to. So it eats away at him, every time Harry hugs someone else. When Louis sees the pictures of Harry with his 'girlfriend' it makes Louis heart clench and his blood boil. Louis really tries not to hate her. The poor girl has no clue. Harry isn't too keen on that, lying to her, but their managers made the decision, and Louis won't let Harry go against them. As much as he hates it, Louis has to do it. He has to protect Harry. He has to protect them all, even if it means pain for himself.
They start to get really sloppy. Louis doesn't mean to end up serenading Harry; it just happens. Louis gets lost in Harry's eyes, finds himself trapped by Harry's gravitational pull. And the next thing he knows, he's singing directly to Harry. There are people outside with cameras; he knows it. So does Harry. Louis gets lost in the moment, in Harry's smile, and he leans in for a kiss. Harry, suddenly the smarter of the two, spins Louis before their lips can touch. Harry places a quick kiss on Louis' neck as his hands grip Louis' chest.
"This is going to be all over the internet in a few hours," Harry whispers into Louis' ear. It's stupid. Monumentally stupid, on both their parts, but Harry is unapologetic.
Later that night, they're lying in Harry's bed, covered in sweat and completely sated, when Harry says, "We should just do it. The next interview or show, just let me kiss you."
Louis sighs, standing up to get them a washcloth. They've had this conversation so many times. Louis wants to come clean; he wants everyone to know. But it just wouldn't be good for them, not right now.
Louis tosses the cloth to Harry and slides back under the covers.
"You know we can't, and you know why."
Harry sighs in defeat and Louis's pulse quickens. Harry always argues this point with him, but not tonight. Tonight he merely nods and drops the cloth to the floor. When he leans back against the headboard, he looks resigned and the air in Louis' lungs threatens to choke him. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Louis is supposed to say no, and Harry is supposed to spend the next few hours telling him they can do it, that they'd survive it.
So, Louis prods, desperate for Harry to reassure him, "You know it would be the end of One Direction. It would be the end of everything we've worked for, Harry."
But there's no reassurance from Harry, and Louis can't handle it. Harry has always been the one to have too much faith in their relationship, put too much trust in their fans. Now though… now he's just sad and his eyes aren't shining nearly as brightly as they used to.
"What? Did you finally realize I'm right?" Louis is angry now. He's mad at himself for putting Harry through this, and he's mad at Harry for not standing up to fight for them, like he always does.
"No, Lou. I'm just tired. I'm so fucking tired. No matter what I say or do, it's not enough. I can't do this anymore. I just… I need a real relationship. I need you to be my boyfriend, whether we're in here or out there. I need you, Lou, and you're always just out of reach. I can touch you, but I can't hold you. I can smile at you, but you don't smile back, not really. I feel like I'm putting it all on the line, but you refuse to do the same."
Louis hears everything Harry says to him, but what keeps playing on repeat in his head is the 'I can't do this anymore.' When Harry says that, like he's finished with it all, finished with Louis, Louis' hands clench in the bed sheets, and his heart stops.
He's spent all this time trying to imagine what would happen if they came out, and he's never once imagined what might happen if they broke up. Either way, it would be the end of the band. But, if Harry leaves him, it will be the end of him as well.
"What are you saying, Harry? Are you… are you breaking up with me? Are you leaving me?" Louis' voice is hoarse, dry, broken, and he sits up straighter, tries not to fall apart at just the thought of Harry walking away.
"No. God, Louis. I'd never leave you. Never. But… maybe I should leave the band. Then we can be together, and it won't be such a big deal, right?"
Harry's naivety is laughable, but Louis only finds himself relieved. His body relaxes and he reaches out to pull Harry closer, to hold him tightly.
"You're not leaving the band, Hazza. You're our little curly-headed heartthrob. Without you, I daresay, we'd fall apart. Besides, it wouldn't make a difference either way. I'd still have to play at being straight. It's bad enough to take away one guy for the girlies to drool over, just think what would happen if two of us were no longer obtainable."
Harry buries his face in Louis' chest, pressing a series of gentle kisses into the warm skin.
"God, why can't it just be about the music? That's all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be able to do what I love. Now, I can do iwhat/i I love, but not iwho/i I love and I hate it."
Louis pulls Harry closer, and when he feels this first tear land on his chest, he winces. Harry's pain is his, and suddenly he doesn't want any of it anymore. He doesn't want the money, the fame, the screaming fans who think they own them… All he wants is Harry. Soon, he'll have to come clean. Soon, they'll all know. Because he's terrified that if he doesn't give in to Harry, he'll lose him. And that is not acceptable; no matter what happens, he can never lose Harry.