This is my 2011 NFA Secret Santa story written for dewgoddess according to her requests and prompt. It is six chapters long and I will publish one every day or so if I can. I will be on holidays during this time and I can't count on internet access. If I can't use the internet, there may be a delay of up to 5 days between updates (it's a short holiday).

Much mention is made to Santa Claus folk lore and stories. The references are mainly wikipedia so feel free to look them up and learn more.

Title: NCIS: a very cracky Christmas
Genre:Gen, Adventure
Characters: As requested: Everybody! But primary focus on Abby, Ducky and Jimmy.
Rating: FR13
Spoilers: Nothing major – season 4(?)
Story Prompt:
Christmas Crack!fic with a dash of angst. The director (it doesn't matter who) sends the team to the North Pole to get a gift from Santa's workshop. Easier said than done...

Chapter 1: Elf yourself

The squad room was a very dull place to be on Christmas Eve, Tony reflected as he sat at his desk on that very eve. After years of indulging in wild NCIS Christmas parties, Gibbs' team had finally scored the skeleton staff shift. Not Gibbs himself, of course, Tony noted ruefully, he had headed off a week ago to "make some Christmas toys for kids."

Tony tried to muster a smile as the dancing NCIS Christmas elves jiggled their way, thunderbird style, across his screen. Sure it was funny the first time when he'd stuck pictures of himself, McGee, Ziva and Gibbs over the elfin images like green Special Agent bobble heads but now that he had 'elfed' everyone in the building, it was staring to get old.

Jimmy wandered into the squad room, his green scrubs festooned with remnants of the day's autopsy, and settled himself on Gibbs' desk. He too had been left to his own devices while Ducky began his holidays early – the advantages of seniority.

The raven haired Ziva, keen to involve herself in the culture of her adopted country, was merrily humming Christmas carols while methodically de-constructing, cleaning and re-constructing the vast array of weapons laid out on her desk.

McGee stretched and cracked his neck, breaking Tony's reverence and probably a few tendons at the same time. "I hate working Christmas Eve," he noted.

"I used to like it," Tony jumped in, desperate for some distraction from the dancing elves. "But that was back when people actually died at Christmas."

"Those were the days," agreed Jimmy, wistfully.

The elephant in the room shifted uncomfortably but the ugly truth was that ever since the Navy had abolished the rank of Petty Officer and Rock Creek Park had closed its mausoleum-like gates permanently, the number of Navy related deaths in the DC area had plummeted. The city's campaign to transform all the abandoned warehouses into trendy inner city studio apartments hadn't helped either.

The welcome sound of the Director's door opening made them all look upwards. As he descended the stairs towards them at a pace that would make glaciers weep, the four voiced their own personal Christmas wishes.

"Murder?" McGee guessed hopefully.

"Terrorist threat?" Ziva prayed.

"Multi-body massacre?" Jimmy urged.

"Heck, I'd go for petty larceny at this point," said Tony.

Vance remained silent until he had arrived at a point exactly in the middle of the room. He looked pointedly at Jimmy: "It's time."

Jimmy's face broke into a conspiratorial grin. "I'll get Abby," he said running for the elevator, a trail of sinuous human fibres in his wake. "We'll meet you in the car park."

When Jimmy was gone, Vance turned his attention to the rest of the team. "As you know, he began, "NCIS jurisdiction covers many things: criminal investigations, force protection, cross-border drug enforcement, anti-terrorism, counter-terrorism, major procurement fraud, computer crime and counter-intelligence as well as running the master at arms and military working dog programs. Part of this counter-terrorism work includes cargo being transported into the country via what is known colloquially as 'the White Navy' or the 'sleigh ship'."

"Sleigh?" queried Ziva.

"Specifically: Santa's sleigh."

"I'm sorry," said McGee, "I thought you said Santa..."

Vance barely paused. "I did. Think about it: millions of gifts being imported into this country without passing through customs. Santa's workshop is a prime target for terrorists hoping to plant a bomb or even a simple listening device into the homes of our top officials. Everyone with a child is at risk. We have 'agents-a-snow' assigned in the workshop."

"Now that would be a cool job," commented Tony. "No pun intended."

The Director shot him a stern look and continued. "Every year, on Christmas Eve, the NCIS skeleton staff team is entrusted with a unique task: to collect my annual Santa gift direct from the workshop. It's a Thank You from Santa for our help in securing his facility which I treasure all through the year."

"The North Pole!" said McGee. "In Christmas traffic?"

"Don't worry about traffic," said Vance. "Meet Abby and Jimmy in the car park and dress warm. You'll be there in no time."

Author note: the traditional NCIS victim is a Petty Officer found in Rock Creek Park. Abandoned warehouses are the conventional NCIS bad guy lair.