"So many times in life, we stand in chains, never realizing that we hold the key."
Disclaimer: I don't own the quote above or anything from Grey's Anatomy. I don't own the song, which is Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch. (Great song, if you haven't heard it.) I do however, have a soul, and I think that it needs this.
A/N: Ok, I worked all day on this to make sure that it was ready before the premiere. Since we're going to know how all this works out, this is more of a snack to temporarily kill the craving that is GA. As of right now, 2 MORE DAYS! And this is a one shot, since it will be fulfilled in TWO DAYS! Anyway, read and review! It's my first time to post on here, so be helpful please!
Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
Addison hadn't hesitated. She'd just gone to the closet and started taking her things out. It was mindless, robotic. She wasn't really thinking. She probably would have been alright if she'd left without any of her things again. But she didn't want to leave, just yet, so she needed an excuse.
She finished taking her clothes out of the closet and went to the bathroom to get her things in there.
Tears from behind my eyes
But I do not cry
She couldn't decide how she should feel. How should she feel? It's not like she was completely innocent. In a way, she'd brought this upon herself. Her situation had been so utterly hopeless, and it was still that way now. The tears stung the back of her eyes, but they didn't come, which angered her. She couldn't even cry.
It's not like she didn't know this was going to happen. In a way, it even seemed inevitable that something like this would happen. Derek had told her he was still in love with her. Addison knew, and she was pretty sure that deep down, Meredith knew. They'd all known, but they didn't do anything, because Derek had an obligation. Addison was the obligation, and for some reason that was even more unbearable than the fact that he loved someone else.
But worse was the fact that, despite everything, she couldn't hate him. She couldn't hate Derek for what he did. What could he do anyway? He was in love, and she knew (probably better than anyone else) what that was like. In a way, he didn't have a choice.
She couldn't hate Meredith. Meredith had gotten into this, not even knowing what she'd been getting into. Any idiot could see it in her eyes, whenever she looked at him or when his name came up. Addison had watched as she'd tried to self-destruct. It had hurt Addison to see her like that, when Meredith could just as easily have been her, even if Addison was stronger than she was.
The fact was that, above all, she didn't hate them.
She hated herself.
Counting the days that past me by
Day by day she'd tried to work it out with Derek. The situation had seemed so utterly hopeless, and she knew it was, deep down. Just when she was about to call it quits, he would come over and look at her, or touch her, or kiss her, and she'd have this tiny bit of hope that it might be true. It wasn't, but she'd hoped. If anything she should hate him for that, but she couldn't. Maybe he was trying. Maybe he wasn't. She wasn't even sure anymore. She wasn't sure of anything anymore.
I've been searching deep down in my soul
She zipped the toothbrush into her bag and turned to leave. She looked at the trailer. She hated it because it stood for the new Derek. The one that didn't need her anymore. She hated that, being blatantly dismissed. She felt worthless and helpless. Which one was worse?
She was walking toward the door when he came in. Him. Derek.
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
"Addi," he said, a confused expression on his face. That angered her above everything. Didn't he KNOW? Didn't he CARE? He took her for granted.
Silently she held up the small piece of black lace that hung from her fingers.
"Addi."
"No. I don't want to hear it." She couldn't yell, but when she spoke, every word shot out like a daggered piece of glass. She could picture them flying towards Derek. This strengthened her for some strange reason, and she went on.
Looks like I'm starting all over again
She laughed, hollowly. "So, here we are again, Derek, but now I'm the one on the outside looking in. Are you happy now?"
He was at a loss of words, so she went on. "We just can't get it together. And you knew that more than anyone else, but you didn't quit. You didn't quit because you didn't even care enough about me to do that." Her empty words reverberated off the walls of the cramped trailer.
"You didn't care."
The last three years were just pretend and I say
"You said you tried, but you didn't really. Your heart wasn't there. I am not your charity case. I am a person, and no human deserves what I went through. Affair or no affair. Our marriage meant nothing to you. Admit it! It meant nothing. That's fine, but for God's sake WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP IT?" She paused again, gathered all her inner strength. She felt stripped of everything, but ignored it.
"You know what? You win. I'm leaving." She pushed him out of the way and walked out the door. He hadn't moved.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
So this was it. It was truly over.
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
As she got into her car, Addison felt strangely lightheaded, like the person who'd just said those things to Derek wasn't even her. She felt like a spirit, an innocent bystander. It hadn't sunk in, what she'd done, but she knew that she'd done the right thing. The only thing she could think of was to get away from the trailer and drive—anywhere.
She couldn't think, and until she could she would drive. There was still something bothering her.
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right
That was it. She knew it, deep down, that despite everything, she still loved him. That's why it had hurt her so much, and she had a feeling that if back there in the trailer he had reached out to touch her, to say something to her, she would have been powerless. She would have melted, just like Meredith had probably done. He had power over her. He didn't use to, but now, seeing his face, all her anger had melted. That's why she was angry. She had lost herself to him, and she didn't know how to get herself back.
That's when she broke down. She pulled over first, then sobbed, all the anger and frustration of the last few months coming back to hit her full-force at the same time.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
But that made no difference. She would break away because it was the only thing she could do. Derek and she may not have been meant to be, but she doubted that. She believed it with every fiber of her being. But maybe he was meant to be with Meredith now. Maybe she had to move on too. It's not like this had been a complete shock. She should have known. He had blinded her, hadn't he? Or had she blinded herself?
Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
What did she want? She wanted Derek, but she wanted him to be happy. She wanted to be happy, and maybe she couldn't do that with a man who held her in chains. This time, she would break away. She would not give in for the sake of her former self, who had been so strong. The person she had been wouldn't have put up with this for so long. The person she had been was happy and confident, and as much as she had wanted her happy marriage back, she realized that she missed her former self more.
She pulled back onto the freeway.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
She pulled into the bed and breakfast, knowing that she could afford it. She could stay anywhere she wanted. She was a surgeon, after all, and an incredibly good one at that. A smile flashed across her face and caught in the rearview mirror. Addison was surprised. When was the last time she had smiled? She didn't know.
A few minutes later, she had checked into the bed and breakfast and had put all her stuff away. When she sat down on the bed, the thoughts came flooding back, so she got off and went out to the balcony. The stars shone brightly, rare for rainy Seattle. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. The night was dark but clear. Her wedding ring caught the light and she held it up. It looked just like a star, blazing along in the sky. She took it off and put it into her pocket. Baby steps, right?
She didn't know what would happen tomorrow, or the next day. All she knew was that she'd gotten through the tunnel. The light was ahead and it looked hopeful. So she didn't know what the future held, but she knew where she was right now. She had inadvertently been freed from the chains of her past. She knew that now.
And for the first time in a long time, despite everything, Addison felt at peace with herself.
We the stars fall and I lie awake
You're my shooting star